I need strength tonight-advice please

[Think About It...]

OK, warning - this will be sort of long, which I don't usually do, but I need to give the background and then sincerely ask for your help to give me strength...

A few months ago my uBPDh told all of his friends that this year, he was inviting ME on his annual hunting trip.?  We have a lovely forest in Southern Illinois that is full of deer, and the past 3 years he has gone south to hunt, inviting many of his guy buddies along.?  Each year he has been disappointed because they are "rookies" and violate the rules of the hunt -- getting too drunk, pointing their shotguns at each other, not pulling their weight at the cabin with daily chores like splitting firewood and cooking.?  He told me I was his first choice for a hunting companion, and even though I would never kill a deer, I could use a stand and practice nature photography with my new digital camera, etc. etc.?  

I looked forward to it for months.?  He bought me a stand with padded seat and side saddlebags for camera, books, water bottles, etc.?  

About a week ago, he started dropping hints that I was not going to like the trip.?  Things like:?  "You better not think about going to the neighborhood bar because too many crude and drunken hunters will be there."?  " I just want to warn you that there will be guys at the cabin and they will be drinking, swearing, and carrying on."?  And the biggie.?  " Oh, by the way, you can't get up in your new stand with your camera, because that will just scare the deer and you have 50 weekends out of the year to use it so you aren't going to use it during hunting season."?  

Then, when I professed dismay that I had thought I was a welcome companion, he proceeded to tell me that I was only invited as a decoy to keep his unwanted unskilled buddies from horning in again this year.?  Friday was a big argument about this and the silent treatment on Saturday.?  At the end of the Friday argument, I said, "by God, I'm coming anyway.?  It is my place too, and I want to enjoy our beautiful retreat."?  His reply?  " If you come, you will only be trying to RUIN it for me!"

He was civil on Saturday as if nothing had happened.?  Probably wanted my help--which, of course, I gave--codependent idiot that I am.?  So, all day Sunday I helped him get ready, washing his clothes in some kind of scent-free detergent, packing his coolers, assembling his stand, getting gas for his 4-wheeler, etc.?  I shipped him off Monday (4 days before the season starts) wishing him a great hunt and telling him I would see him on Sunday.?  Meanwhile, I have looked forward to (and enjoyed) the peace and quiet of him being gone. (see the "alone" thread on Committed board.)?  

He has since been calling three times a day (more than I talk to him when he is home) telling me how much he loves me, giving me the blow-by-blow about the deer he has seen, the stands he has placed, etc. etc. ad nauseum.?  He asks briefly what I have been doing, and when I start to answer, he changes the subject back to the Big Hunt and all his daily preparations.

Tonite after our third daily call, he called back. He said, "by the way, I meant to ask you--what time will you be here on Friday?"?  I said I was not coming. He said, "Let me try this again, what time will you be here Friday?"?  After going back and forth like this for about 5 minutes, he said he had reconsidered, and even though it would not be safe for me out in the woods, he wanted my companionship at the cabin.

Now, a little aside.?  I bought this place with my father's inheritance, as something we would own and work on together.?  It is our home away from home.?  He built the cabin, but in many ways it is mine more than his.?  I contributed every bit as much blood sweat and tears to the construction of a lovely getaway as he did.?  Whenever we have been there together have been the best of our relationship.?  

I want so badly to go.?  I am a nature girl myself.?  I looked forward to this for months.?  When he blew it and revealed that he really didn't want me there (AT MY OWN PLACE) it was devastating.?  And now he acts like all he has to do is have a change of heart and I will come running.?  

I need so badly NOT to go.?  I need this for me.?  I need him to know there are consequences for his actions.?  I'm not sure how clearly I have explained how he hurt me, but it was a cutting blow.?  

Help me have the strength to say no.?  I told him I would think about it and let him know tomorrow.?  Please help me gather the courage to tell him to (literally) take a hike.?  I want this nightmare to end, one way or the other.?  

Guess what--I am loving being alone.?  Help me believe that I can resist this RE-ENGAGEMENT and the price I will pay if I give in.

 

[optimistic]

OK, warning - this will be sort of long, which I don't usually do, but I need to give the background and then sincerely ask for your help to give me strength...

A few months ago my uBPDh told all of his friends that this year, he was inviting ME on his annual hunting trip.?  We have a lovely forest in Southern Illinois that is full of deer, and the past 3 years he has gone south to hunt, inviting many of his guy buddies along.?  Each year he has been disappointed because they are "rookies" and violate the rules of the hunt -- getting too drunk, pointing their shotguns at each other, not pulling their weight at the cabin with daily chores like splitting firewood and cooking.?  He told me I was his first choice for a hunting companion, and even though I would never kill a deer, I could use a stand and practice nature photography with my new digital camera, etc. etc.?  

I looked forward to it for months.?  He bought me a stand with padded seat and side saddlebags for camera, books, water bottles, etc.?  

About a week ago, he started dropping hints that I was not going to like the trip.?  Things like:?  "You better not think about going to the neighborhood bar because too many crude and drunken hunters will be there."?  " I just want to warn you that there will be guys at the cabin and they will be drinking, swearing, and carrying on."?  And the biggie.?  " Oh, by the way, you can't get up in your new stand with your camera, because that will just scare the deer and you have 50 weekends out of the year to use it so you aren't going to use it during hunting season."?  

Then, when I professed dismay that I had thought I was a welcome companion, he proceeded to tell me that I was only invited as a decoy to keep his unwanted unskilled buddies from horning in again this year.?  Friday was a big argument about this and the silent treatment on Saturday.?  At the end of the Friday argument, I said, "by God, I'm coming anyway.?  It is my place too, and I want to enjoy our beautiful retreat."?  His reply?  " If you come, you will only be trying to RUIN it for me!"

He was civil on Saturday as if nothing had happened.?  Probably wanted my help--which, of course, I gave--codependent idiot that I am.?  So, all day Sunday I helped him get ready, washing his clothes in some kind of scent-free detergent, packing his coolers, assembling his stand, getting gas for his 4-wheeler, etc.?  I shipped him off Monday (4 days before the season starts) wishing him a great hunt and telling him I would see him on Sunday.?  Meanwhile, I have looked forward to (and enjoyed) the peace and quiet of him being gone. (see the "alone" thread on Committed board.)?  

He has since been calling three times a day (more than I talk to him when he is home) telling me how much he loves me, giving me the blow-by-blow about the deer he has seen, the stands he has placed, etc. etc. ad nauseum.?  He asks briefly what I have been doing, and when I start to answer, he changes the subject back to the Big Hunt and all his daily preparations.

Tonite after our third daily call, he called back. He said, "by the way, I meant to ask you--what time will you be here on Friday?"?  I said I was not coming. He said, "Let me try this again, what time will you be here Friday?"?  After going back and forth like this for about 5 minutes, he said he had reconsidered, and even though it would not be safe for me out in the woods, he wanted my companionship at the cabin.

Now, a little aside.?  I bought this place with my father's inheritance, as something we would own and work on together.?  It is our home away from home.?  He built the cabin, but in many ways it is mine more than his.?  I contributed every bit as much blood sweat and tears to the construction of a lovely getaway as he did.?  Whenever we have been there together have been the best of our relationship.?  

I want so badly to go.?  I am a nature girl myself.?  I looked forward to this for months.?  When he blew it and revealed that he really didn't want me there (AT MY OWN PLACE) it was devastating.?  And now he acts like all he has to do is have a change of heart and I will come running.?  

I need so badly NOT to go.?  I need this for me.?  I need him to know there are consequences for his actions.?  I'm not sure how clearly I have explained how he hurt me, but it was a cutting blow.?  

Help me have the strength to say no.?  I told him I would think about it and let him know tomorrow.?  Please help me gather the courage to tell him to (literally) take a hike.?  I want this nightmare to end, one way or the other.?  

Guess what--I am loving being alone.?  Help me believe that I can resist this RE-ENGAGEMENT and the price I will pay if I give in.

 

[mark]

i'm sorry he hurt you so badly with this. 

're-engage' usually means being sucked back into the relationship after you have ended it.  i'm not trying to over-analyze or anything, but are you asking for support to end the relationship entirely?  if it is simply (for you) about the hunting trip, then you can say, "no, i'm not going because you hurt my feelings when you tried to talk me out of going."  he'll probably find some way of blaming you for his trying to talk you out of going, but at least you will have spoken the truth. 

i wish you the best.

[optimistic]

Mark, you know what?  You probably hit it.?  I am looking for a way out.?  I don't know if this is it.?  But I feel it coming.?  I want it to come.?  This hurt is just one of so many over time, but I feel somehow like it might be my exit if I can find the strength.

I guess I misused the term re-engagement.?  In a way, I have always thought of it as them getting back into our good graces after a blow-up, sucking us back in with their sweetness and light.?  

I posted somewhere else that I set the boundary recently...if he could not find his way toward celebrating a pleasant holiday season with my family and his, he would be telling me that it is over.?  He seemed to appreciate knowing the bottom line.?  I just didn't foresee this incident?  occurring so close to the official start of the holiday season...

I need to get a grip -- and fast.?  As with so many here, before I lose myself even more...

[Sapphire]

Optimistic, my ex used to pull stunts like that too; make me feel like I was wanted & needed and make plans for us, then turn around and take it all away. And then he would play the "phone game" too; "I really wish you were here...I miss you"...crap like that.

It's all about control; they want to see how much you'll put up with, and how much they can get away with. My ex told me more than once he had to have control, and he wasn't kidding. I didn't realize how serious he was till after the fact. And he hurt me more than once b/c of his desperate need to have that control...

If your SO is causing you pain, it is up to you to stop it. I know how difficult it is, but if you are unhappy with him and his antics, it is time for you to move on. You sound like you are ready to put a stop to it, and if you are I wish you the best. It isn't easy, but it sure beats the hell out of spending your life with someone who isn't treating you well, and who is making you miserable. If you do indeed want out, it's up to you to take the first step...

I wish you well, and I hope you find the strength & courage to do what is best for yourself.

God bless,
~SD~

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[optimistic]

SD, you are so right, it is and always has been about control...he has told me many times he feels that he has no say, that I make all the important decisions, etc.?  Even though I always consult him... but as we know, just because they are consulted and we jointly make a decision, we can't count on them to stick to it (or even remember it!), so many times I just have to go ahead and do it myself.?  ?

And you are right, it is up to me to put a stop to it.?  I certainly will not be going south, and it will be very predictable what will happen...he will no doubt not speak to me till he gets home Sunday, and then the s*** will hit the fan because I disappointed him, don't love him or respect him, don't need him around, blah blah blah.?  

But as Mark said, at least I will have spoken the truth.. and as you helpfully remind me,?  "it sure beats the hell out of spending your life with someone who isn't treating you well, and who is making you miserable."?  I know I will feel better that finally, finally, even though this is a small incident in the grand scheme of things, I stood up for me.?  If it is the beginning of the end, it is long overdue...

[mark]

good luck, op'.  we'll be here.

[Sapphire]

Optimistic, be prepared for battle, b/c once you stand up for yourself and he realizes he's lost his control over you, he will retaliate. And you will hear all kinds of crazy things coming out of his mouth.; he will try to make you feel quilty, and project all his crap onto you. My ex did that when he realized he lost his hold over me, and then he was out for blood. But don't let his crap affect you too much; I know how hard it is not to, and I know how hurtful it is, but you have to keep in mind that he will say and do just about anything so as not to lose his control. Because when they lose their control, they feel like they are losing a piece of themselves, and it terrifies them. But you can't let his issues affect you any longer; he has an illness, and his illness is affecting you. You have to do what is best for yourself, and if leaving him is best, you need to do it, as hard as it is. He will probably accuse you of being selfish and of only thinking about yourself, but I think you know that's bullsh*t. Like I said, he will do anything to not lose his control.

But if I can do it, so can you. My ex left me with basically nothing (more than once), and it has been hell trying to get back on my feet again. But it sure beats the hell out of being with him and living in misery for the rest of my life. He beat me down, but I refuse to let him keep me there... ;==

You can do it too; we are all here for you... :-*

Hang tough,
((Hugs))
~SD~

[optimistic]

Thank you so much SD and Mark for both the truthful and the supportive words...no one but me (and BPDFamilyies) know what he is really like, so having a place to come and let it all hang out, not to mention getting good advice from people who really really UNDERSTAND -- priceless!

He finally called a couple of hours ago.?  After a little small talk, he was in a pretty good mood.?  I told him I was not coming.?  There was a short pause and then "Fine.?  OK.?  No problem.?  Have a great day. Talk to you later.?  Click."

So, we shall see...whatever transpires from here, just standing up is a good good feeling.