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[Starry]

I want to draw your attention to the below mentioned sites:

http://www.prionline.eu/pri_en/rediscovering_the_true_self.htm

http://www.prionline.eu/pri_en/index.htm

I've read the book "Rediscovering the true self". It has helped me a lot in finding out with what defence mechanisms I try to protect myself from (supposed) attacks from the outside world. Now that I can clearly see what I'm doing when using these thoughts followed by specific behaviour, I can feel the pain that's underlying. And (try to) stop it. I can see now that I wasted so much energy with my own behaviour, that is not necessary anylonger.

I try to protect myself from the attacks of people in my life (e.g. BPD, but also others), but in fact they are nothing but some kind of a trigger that reminds me of things that happened in the past.

For example: I ask my friend what she thinks of my new clothes. My friend doesn't like the clothes I wear and tells me. I get extremely mad and want to start calling her names. In fact, she has a right to tell me what she thinks and I'm not life threatened by her. I'm overreaction (like BPD's do so much). She is only the trigger that remind's me of my mother always critizising every thing I do or don't. When I start to feel the underlying pain of being emotional neglected in my youth, my rage is gone and I feel tears coming up. I can start to heal.

I can also see others using this defence mechanism to protect their true self, when my behaviour triggers them and reminds them of things that happened in their past.

The book is written by Ingeborg Bosch and she was inspired by the work of Alice Miller and Jean Jenson.

I tried to explain a bit about this book, but feel my English is not sufficient. I hope y'all will take a look at her website and read the book.

Thank you for your attention.

Starry

[ForeverDad]

What Dads Can't Do
by Douglas Wood with illustrations by Doug Cushman



Book Description

This sweet and silly look at dad behavior from a kid's point of view explains that there are lots of things regular people can do that dads can't. For instance, dads can't cross the street without holding hands. They can push but they can't swing. And they can't go to sleep without checking under the bed for monsters or getting a good-night kiss. But no matter what, a dad can't stop loving you. Perfect for reading aloud (because dads can't even read a book by themselves), this book evokes a tenderness that will make parents and kids want to share it again and again.

With the target audience being preschoolers and those children beginning to read, it reinforces that parental bond.  The mothers here aren't overlooked as the author also wrote What Moms Can't Do.

# Publisher: Simon & Schuster Children's Publishing
# Pub. Date: May 2000; mini edition, 2005
# ISBN-13: 9780689826207 (hardcover, softcover, mini (9781416901976) editions)
# Age Range: 3 to 7
# 32pp
# ~ $10-15

[gingie]

Have any of you read or in the process of reading "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle?

It is the book that Oprah is running the interactive discussions on.

(Im not some huge Oprah fan, but appreciate her.)

Anyhow, this book is so far wonderful.  I am about 3 chapters in.

[MIDreaming]

Understanding, Assessing and Treating Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse

This is an excellent resource for clinicians. It provides reviews and summaries of studies designed to identify risk factors associated with adjustment disorders with a section on BPD. I borrowed a copy via interlibrary loan and picked it up yesterday. It may provide NBP spouses a better understanding of the childhood abuse factors involved for development of BPD.

Product Description

This important book identifies the adult adjustment disorders that are associated with childhood abuse and explains why various forms of abuse lead to specific adjustment difficulties. The authors provide clinicians with guidelines for assessment and treatment modalities that have been shown to be highly effective with specific abuse-related disorders.

About the Author

Ofelia Rodriguez-Srednicki, Ph.D., is Assistant Professor of Psychology and Director of the School Psychology Department at Montclair State University. Since 1990, she has been a biligual school psychologist consultant. She maintains a private practice in Upper Montclair, New Jersey. James A. Twaite, Ph.D., Ed.D., is an instructor at the School of New Resources of the College of New Rochelle. He is also director of research of Neurodynamics, Inc. and maintains a private practice in Tenafly, New Jersey.

Product Details

    * Hardcover: 376 pages
    * Publisher: Jason Aronson; 1 edition (June 28, 2006)
    * Language: English
    * ISBN-10: 0765703939
    * ISBN-13: 978-0765703934
    * Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6.2 x 1 inches
    * Shipping Weight: 1.3 pounds

[JoeHope]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

I have just finished this book and it has helped me tremendously after reading 3 books on BPD including: Stop Walking on Eggshells, Tears and Healing, Meaning from Madness.

This book helped me see how I have been verbally and emotionally abused by my BPD wife and has helped me "face the facts". I knew I felt bad for a reason, but never really thought of it as emotional/verbal abuse until I read this. This book describes why the abuser abuses, what forms it takes and how to combat it.

The reasons for abuse are similar for BPD... childhood issues. To me it just clarifies what the BPD does to us. My only issue with this book is that it is written only from the perspective that the male is the abuser and the female is the partner. The author only spoke with women that were abused. So if I just changed he and she around, it made complete sense to me.

Have any others read this book? What are your thoughts?

[Bricolage]

TeaAmongRoses recommended this:

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans, 2002


I can't recommend it highly enough.

I read this book before I knew MIL was probably BPD. Reading it enabled me to see that a PD was probably what we were dealing with. I saw my uBPD MIL on almost every page, and the entire family's various responses and interactions to her.

[billybragg123]

Siren’s Dance is by Anthony Walker, MD (not his real name). For those of us with a BPD person in their lives it will be a hard book to put down. Siren’s Dance is the first narrative book that I’ve read that is written by a NonBP about his experiences.

The story is a simple one. Boy meets and falls in love with a "crazy" girl. Boy and girl have several rather explicit sexual encounters (this book is NOT for children and could form the basis for an R movie which is apparently in the works!--stay tuned). Boy’s friends and professional colleagues warn him of the ultimate ’bad end’ that is the only realistic outcome of such a relationship, which Boy of course, ignores. Boy thinks love will ’fix’ it. Boy’s parents wish he could think clearly, which clearly he cannot as who can when you are so much in infatuation or "love"?

It is typical in that the NonBP even with all his training, (he’s a doctor, training to be a psychiatrist), even with all the emotional distance he has now, even with more than a decade behind him, the author is still minimizing, rationalizing and defending this, the love of his life. Who among us has not been there?

It’s typical in that the Non is presented as someone with a savior complex, always wanting to help the weakest and most injured things. It’s typical in that the borderline had the Non wrapped around her finger almost instantly (although it doesn’t go deeply into the reflection of the NonBP’s personality that so often occurs in these situations.) Sex clearly played a large part in this story, as it does for many of these kinds of relationships. However, it is just as common for sex to be extremely bad or extremely infrequent as it is to be exciting as in this relationship. He states, "It was dangerously exhilarating, like a joyride on a roller coaster in the dark after the park had closed for the day."

The story was typical, in that it was a whirlwind relationship. They went from meeting to engaged in three months, married in six, despite him planning to have a one year engagement. "Manipulation" played a large role in how fast things went, although he is most willing in the story.

Perhaps the most typical part of his experience was the wedge that she purposefully drove between him and his family and friends. The take home message seems to be that you can’t love someone with this disorder enough and still have a good relationship with your family or your friends. This is probably about as universal as splitting and raging amongst those with the disorder.

The author’s wife, who has the disorder did not deal well with being separated from her support system, and manipulated herself back into her comfort zone with amazing speed. She displays lots of object constancy issues if you are looking for them. She creates a number of classic (and brilliant) double bind, no win situations. She uses emotional blackmail with amazing results. Eventually tho he gets some emotional distance and begins to reclaim his life.

The author is courageous in admitting that he lost it on several occasions, vandalizing her property and at one point actually slapping her in the face (in self defense). He admits to having acquired some fleas, although probably not as many as a longer experience would have brought out.

The author clearly expresses the feeling that he ran out of emotional gas. This is one of the most instructive parts of the book. As he created emotional distance, his BPSO’s behaviors decreased. This is the point where typically the BP would instinctively "feel" something was amiss and begin the re-engaging process.



Observations
This book does show the importance of how essential strong boundaries are, and it demonstrates the process and results of emotional distance. His coming out of the fog and recovery from his experience after the separation are an important part of the book. His initial recovery was relatively quick, although there are clearly lingering effects to this day. His unbounded hopefulness, his minimization, his rationalization, and being smitten with this creature all still haunt the author.


Two Questions:
He never said whether he found love again. I hope that he did. It seems a strange thing to leave out if he did have a successful relationship after this experience, but maybe he just got married to his work. It’s hard to say from the book alone.

Perhaps the biggest unanswered question is what would have happened had he gotten his stated with to have had a child with this woman. Certainly the parting could not have been so clean. Certainly there would have been more effective and sustained re-engaging. Thank heavens for all involved that this particular borderline had the rare insite to realize that that she would not have been a good mother!
 

This story has no clear hero, and no clear villan. Both parties made mistakes. In this respect, at least, it is the story of all of us.

[theomorphic]

What are your favorite books that have helped you understand yourself and others?
Here are my current top ten reading!

1)   Malignant Self Love      -                         SAM VAKNIN

2)   Take me to truth  Undoing the Ego   -        Nouk Sanchez & Tomas Vieira

3)    He's Scared  She's Scared     -                 Steven Carter & Julia Sokol

4)     Journey of Awakening     -                       Ram Dass

5)   How to be a help  Instead of a Nuisance   -  Karen Kissel Wegela

6)   Beyond Assertiveness     -                          John Faul   David Augsburger

7)   Healing Grief     -                                        James Van Praagh

8)  Higher Creativity     -                                   Willis Harman & Howard Rheingold

9)   The Enneagram     -                             Helen Palmer  (a lot of good books on this subject)

10)   Faith in the Valley    -                           Iyanla Vanzant (all her books are Great!)

[HeartOfaBuddha]

I read this book over the weekend.  It is easy to read, easy to understand and I found it's recommendations  extremely useful for coping with my BPD partner of over 20 years.
I highly recommend this book and the approach it suggests.
Peace,

THE OTHER SIDE OF BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER - Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance for Non-Borderlines, A.J. Mahari

http://www.phoenixrisingebooks.com/othersideofBPDsales.html

This ebook, is 116 pages of insightful must read information that will help Non-Borderlines free themselves emotionally from the chaotic and painful roller coaster ride of loving (or having loved) someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.

This ebook consists of eight chapters that will enhance the journey of anyone who has (or has had) a borderline in his/her life. A.J. writes insightfully about how Non-Borderlines can free themselves from the chaotic painful drama of the borderline in their lives through the practice of Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance.

When a non-borderline is lost in the tumultuous world of a borderline it can cause untold pain and suffering. A.J. outlines 3 reasons why non-borderlines often remain hooked into the borderline's drama. A.J. also outlines the 3 main roadblocks to the practice of Radical Acceptance for Non-Borderlines as well as describing what keeps non-borderlines trapped in their own pain and suffering.

[Skip]

Borderline Personality Disorder, Alex Chapman, PH.D - Audio
Listen here (36 mins)

[db]

Review of Anxiety & Depression Workbook for Dummies
Authors: Charles H. Elliott, PhD and Laura L. Smith, PhD
Copyright 2006,  Wiley Publishing Inc.
Soft cover, 280 pages
ISBN 0-7645-9793-0
List price 19.99 US
              23.99 Cdn
A self-help workbook written in very clear terms with exercises to teach using cognitive therapy. It goes straight to the point without lengthy explanations of basic concepts.
The knowledge can be applied immediately towards how to think, behave and feel to reduce emotional distress.

I found that the recommendations help for cope in a relationship with a BPD family member. I do not suffer greatly from depression or anxiety, but the book was recommended by a therapist friend as a tool to enhance relationships, improve communications, examine behaviours, core thoughts and assumptions.

Its a good starter book, and I use it for guidance and as a refresher when faced with life challenges such as the turmoil fall out from a high functioning BPD mother.
db

[LtL]

Two more book recomendations.

Safe People and Avoid Those That Aren't
Dr Henry Cloud Dr. John Townsend.

Boundaries in Dating,
By the same authors.


P.S.
Don't mean to steal your post...
I will check this book out, Boundary Issues.

[Gravityworks]

I just finished reading a book that seemed to hit the nail right on the head. We talk about missing the red flags and staying in relationships that are abusive and destructive, why?  Carl Alsko's book Emotional Bullsht, The Hidden Plague that is Threatening to Destroy Your Relationship and How To Stop It! discusses the ideas of denial, delusion, and blame, what he calls the toxic trio. We are most susceptible to the toxic trio when we are experiencing frustration, anxiety, fear and pain. Here is a link the book review by the San Francisco Chronicle:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/01/25/LVHT15CQ53.DTL

[Deb]

I am just finishing reading "The Gaslight Effect" and it is good. It teaches you how to cope with gaslighters. Very useful when dealing with a borderline.

[Breakable]

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
Harriet Lerner
http://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/006074104X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242642685&sr=8-1

has anyone read this?

I was think it might be another good book to consider directing my mother towards... no mention of BPD whatsover, as far as I can tell. And she's recently been reading a book 'Anger Management' so she knows she has it!

[Neal]

A Woman's Way to a Better Life: A Guide to Happier Living for Women
  by Don Johnson

http://www.amazon.com/Womans-Way-Better-Life-Happier/dp/1439230331/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242643857&sr=1-3

A Guide to Happier Living for Women - Exploring eighteen of the most common issues brought into a psychotherapist’s office by women and written by a practicing psychotherapist; the book avoids textbook language and uses everyday conversational style. It covers women’s depression and guilt, grief, panic attacks, PTSD, ownership of feelings, anger management, self-esteem issues, problem solving, life planning, decision making, sleep problems, problems with memory, getting along with others, communication, how the men’s and women’s brains differ and what that means in everyday life, loving vs. being in love, why people fight over nothing, raising a teenager, and how to develop a partnership.


Commentary, not a proper review:

  This book is focused upon providing tools and insight for women. I am not unbiased, having read versions of it from the earliest stages. (No, I am not the author.  ). My step-mother and my 16 y/o daughter have read it and the latter is on her fifth or sixth read; the first few being pre-published versions . It has helped my daughter tremendously in daily life and has improved our communication as well. It has just recently gone to print and my step-mother, having had merely a few weeks, has not finished reading as of yet so the usefulness to her cannot be gauged at this time. Although it is intended for women only (per the author), I found the book to be personally invaluable at re-enforcing therapeutic tools. Indeed, I would credit the book for improving my own mental health tremendously. It is a very easy read and well worth the time for anyone.

[Dolphin]

I also just read Siren's Dance: My Marriage to a Borderline, A Case Study, by Anthony Walker, M.D.  I'm a little curious that the first reviewer gives a different name to the wife and the story is set in a different location.  But all are supposed to have been changed for privacy, anyway.

Briefly, a medical student (planning to become a psychiatrist) meets a young woman who has just been hospitalized for a suicide attempt after her last boyfriend left her.  He is struck by her beauty, gets to know her in order to present her case at a case conference (and completely botches the job), she initiates a relationship through her mother, draws him in, they get married within a few months (a year earlier than planned), she follows him to his internship, doesn't last, they move back to near her parents and he resumes a different internship, but the demands of his work continue to be a point of conflict because she wants him entirely to herself, ideally that he would have no outside relationships, no other demands on his time.  He gets out of the relationship after the end of his internship, although he actually gives her options, so in a way, it's she that chooses out.  It takes him another two years to get himself more or less back together.

Interestingly, his practice now includes a high proportion of borderlines, and he believes that he has become a better therapist because of his early experience.


I thought the book shone with compassion, overall.  Yes, some of it was not pretty, but I appreciated the insight on why someone might get into a relationship like this, and why they might stay, or if they didn't, what it would take to leave.  It was amazing how much of himself the relationship sucked out of the author.  And yet, he was perceptive enough to analyze the situation and find a graceful way out of it.  It is noteworthy that the relationship ends with a whimper rather than a bang.

[byeborder]

I happened upon this book: Kiss Mommy Goodbye, by Joy Fielding.  It's fiction, about a woman married to an abusive borderline who eventually kidnaps her children.  I wasn't overly impressed by the second half of the book, but the first part of the book included some lengthy BPD circular arguments.  The dialog and "logic" could have been written by the guy that I married, and brought back to me exactly why I finally left.

Here's the link to Amazon.COM:

http://www.amazon.com/Kiss-Mommy-Goodbye-Signet-Fielding/dp/0451155068

[innerspirit]

Hi -- THE DANCE OF ANGER is great, as are the other books Harriet Goldhor Lerner has written.  (I think she has a new one out now too.)
Yeah I know what you mean about feeling like a bit of a traitor.  It's a very weird situation -- it feels like the most obvious thing to do would be to find a copy of STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS or I HATE YOU DON'T LEAVE ME and leave it on the kitchen table for the UBPD to find -- as if it were a helpful new resource for someone who may have issues with diabetes or blood pressure.
But we're aware of the volcano that would erupt and the defensiveness that would put things further back than Square One.
So it's yet another double life -- knowing at least intuitively that BP behaviors are there and resisting the impulse to blurt it out.

By the way, as an apology (I guess), my X went out and bought for himself etiquette books about how a well-ordered man should behave in public.  I didn't know whether to laugh or throw up.  It was only when one on one with me when the gloves were off.
Well at least now he knows what fork to use for his salad. 

[survivorof2]

If You Had Controlling Parents How to make peace with your past and take your place in the world by Dan Neuharth, Ph.D.

Fool-Proofing Your life An honorable way to deal with the impossible people in your life by Jan Silvious.

These next two books are written by Leslie Vernick, who has completed her postgraduate work in biblical counseling and cognitive therapy. She has also written: The Emotionally Destructive Relationship


The first book about controlling parents is very helpful to me in how to heal from being raised by uBPD parents and then being kidnapped by them (along with my infant son and toddler daughter) and being held hostage by them until almost 6 years ago when I finally got away when the police came and helped me get away.

The second book is very practical in how to deal with "fools".

The two books by Leslie Vernick are the most practical of all: Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy! and Defeating Depression real hope for life-changing wholeness.

Here is a quote from Defeating Depression that was VERY helpful to me: "...women are relational beings who function best when they are well connected with others...the central organizing feature of a woman's development and sense of self is her connection to others. We women define ourselves in the context of human relationships and base much of our sense of worth on our ability to make and maintain positive relationships. One of the essential elements to good mental health is having loving connections with others...the consequences of disconnection and broken relationships is often depression...I've often discovered that beneath a woman's depression was a relationship difficulty that was denied, unresolved, or not being addressed in a godly way. I also found that women often struggled with depression because they and/or their loved ones lacked the skills to make or keep an authentic, supportive relationship with a loved one. Because a woman naturally defines herself in the context of her relationships, difficulties and losses in relationships affect her core identity and sense of well-being, thus making her more vulnerable to depression".

Sorry for the long quote 

This book was so helpful to me as it wasn't until I read it that I realized I was severely depressed last Fall (during Thanksgiving and Christmas). I went NC with uBPD parents almost 6 years ago and they responded with deafening silence. My ensis (2 of them) quickly followed and also my 2 nieces and 3 nephews. Then my daughter went LC, son moved back in the uBPD parents (after we had left uBPD parent's home with police help).

The great news is I remarried my ex who I was forced to divorce when uBPD parents kidnapped me. I lost 75 pounds, have my own home now, and I will not break NC with uBPD parents unless they agree to come to a counselor and then I will only meet them at the counselor's office, no where else.