Help Need a sanity check.

[Think About It...]

This is my first post but have been reading it for some time. I've also read the book. I believe that my husband has BPD but my couples therapist doesn't believe me. I didn't come out and say borderline but described the way I live with my husband's other irrational side. He basically told me that it was me that had the problem and was making it up in my head and that I must have had some sadistic character in my life to project these feelings onto my husband. Now I'm questioning everything about myself. Is there anyone out there that can help me with this :'(

[Ruth99]

This is my first post but have been reading it for some time. I've also read the book. I believe that my husband has BPD but my couples therapist doesn't believe me. I didn't come out and say borderline but described the way I live with my husband's other irrational side. He basically told me that it was me that had the problem and was making it up in my head and that I must have had some sadistic character in my life to project these feelings onto my husband. Now I'm questioning everything about myself. Is there anyone out there that can help me with this :'(

[Caribou]

Hi Ruth99

Couples therapy can be tricky if one of the parties has BPD.  Many times the therapist will approach the counseling with the attitude that each person must take responsibility for 50% of the problems in the relationship.  Beyond that, the therapist will avoid saying things that will make it appear that they are siding with one or the other in the relationship.  This can be very frustrating for the Non and the BPD alike.

You might consider seeing a individual therapist yourself and describing what is going on.  The individual therapist can validate your feelings and help you sort out what is really going on in your relationship.  It is important to get feedback from someone who is uninvolved to avoid losing perspective. 

[been there]

 

   Hey Ruth,

   Welcome to BPDFamily, make yourself at home and feel free to post and ask whatever you feel.

   Most of us have probably questioned oueselves over time, and some of us have found things to work on(especially me). But don't second guess yourself about the things you can see with your own eyes, us partners know more about what is really going on in our relationship, than a couples councilor, our SO's can be very convincing to those outside the relationship.

   Mark

   

[John Galt]

Hey Ruth99,

The problem is is that lots of these therapist are just idiots ,and do not understand most of these mental illnesses anywhere near how WE understand BPDs.

Also they hate for you or I to come in off the street and tell them anything.

They have 5-10 standard lines that they use for all there patients and they continually spoute the same bs to everyone.

That being said,when you throw into the mix that lots of couples do come in and fabricate stories about their spouse,and also that they see you for an hour a week,how can they totally ''grasp'' it all anyway.

Ruth,get yourself another therapist,thats my advice,if you think that your husband has a problem and your therapist says you're the problem,its a waste.

Marc

[rachel]

I don't even know where to begin other than Hang in there!  The therapists I have seen with my BPD husband have really not helped at all.  Once my husband pointed a pretend gun around the house shot pretend people calling it "bunny practice" and scared the heck out of me.  (This was some how a "discussion" on why gun control was rediculous?) The very next day I described the situation to the therapist.   After listening she spend the rest of the time discussing reflective listening!  Ok a fine skill, but my husband had been in a rage, etc, and no amount of "listening" would have made a bit of difference.   Anyway, because my hubby looks and acts normal to most people so far we have not been able to get any help.  I hope you are able to find someone who can listen and beleive in you.  As for me I am going to start seeking a therapist who I can work with on how to deal with this stuff.  If hubby then wants to come, great.  If not I have to learn how to deal with him when he is like this.
Good luck.

[John Galt]

Rachel,

Thats real good advice because this passive aggressive stuff is very difficult to deal with.

My wife during a rage once said very quietly

''hmm,  Karla Homolka got only 12 years in prison,not bad''  For those who do not her, K.H. raped and killed numerous young girls with her then husband,here in Ontario.

When I told this to her therapist (psychiatrist actually) he said ''why did you say that'',and she said'' Oh,I just read the book'',and he said ''where did you get the book'',and my wife said ''Marc bought it''.

Then he looked at me like the whole thing was justified because I bought the book,which I actually bot 10 years earlier or something ?

I only saw the beginning of the light when I saw someone myself first.

I think that any therapist must totally understand BPD before you could even imagine them to see your spouse with you.I would also say that you must see the therapist a few times at least first before a spouse should be introduced.

Cunning ,maybe but I believe important nonetheless.

Marc

[Baloo]

Hello all,
I have been for 25 years to therapist after therapist after therapist with my BPD wife. 
She happens to be VERY beautiful and her attractive ways always fools the therapist at first.  For the first maybe ten sessions i am definitely the bad guy to the therapist.  Then the truth starts to unfold, the double messages, the lies to protect the BPD behavior, and the therapist starts to understand.  It always helps that she cannot be consistent or diciplined and she always forgets to attend a session or two and i have a few minutes with the therapist by myself.  Not in a blaming way, but in explaining my experience, how i am affected, the therapist begins to see.  This is when the true help begins.   The only time a therapist has not understood at all was one she saw the therapist without me or rarely included me in her sessions.  In this way she was able to "dupe" the therapist into discrediting everything i was saying instead of seeing through her lies.  I have discovered that with a BPD it is like a game of cat and mouse...when the therapist begins to see the truth then "it's time to change therapists" and she refuses to go to that therapist.   This has occurred again and again and is about  to happen next week in our lives again.  This time i understand the game and will require that we both sign a release of information so the new therapist will be able to communicate with the most recent one.    We have changed therapists for a variety of reasons outside of our control as well...such as moving to a new state...changing insurance etc.  We have had at least 10 to 15 therapists and psychiatrists.  What drama we live in...good luck.
Bryan

[wojah]

Definitely find another therapist that you're more comfortable with.  Also, it may be worthwhile for you to find some good books or read up on setting healthy boundaries in relationships.  Before you can even begin to deal with a BPD spouse effectively, it is important that you seek help for yourself first.  It may be even worthwhile for you to just get counseling for yourself for a while before you even begin going to "couples" counseling.  Hope you find a good counselor soon.

[At_Bay]

Welcome to BPDFamily! I'm sorry you had to sit through that session with the therapist and as I've read here, sometimes a therapist just misses the mark and one has to change, sometimes it isn't the right one for you and there are a few that should be doing other work. Yours sounds unable to help you much, and when that happens, don't give up because there are well-qualified professionals that can make such a difference. My therapist said that individual therapy should always be sought by someone with a personality disorder. Individual therapy for you is good to because you can talk without being interrupted or contradicted. The defensiveness of a bp creates a situation where they fear being wrong more than anything else. Takes a very long time to make them want to change.

At Bay