Bad Evening

[Think About It...]

Sorry in advance for long post...

My gf was over on sat night to spend night to introduce her kitten to my cat to see if they'd get along. She mentioned yesterday morning (sun) that she'd stay another night because taking cat back so soon would take away from our mission in cats...

My gf wanted to be productive yesterday but plans kept falling thru. Her best friend didn't want to get together because husband had gotten sick, her father wasn't in a good mood to get together, we didn't get out of bed as early as we wanted due to being up late with a cast/show (Rocky Horror) we are both part of, the pet store was closed by the time we got out there to get something for her kitten. And there are some other things I can't remember. I take the attitude that "hey, it didn't work, the day was still good for other reasons, etc" She takes the attitude that the day was lost, etc...(Being BPD she has tougher time "seeing the light")

So, another friend called and wanted to hang out to watch a tv show that she's addicted to and wanting me to catch up on. My gf's friend and I are friends but obviously my gf has known her friend for some time more than I have known her. My gf has a hard time saying no to people, as do I. Sometimes she's not up front with what she wants and responds to me with "I don't care what we do" or "it's up to you" or usually just something that isn't straight out what she wants (leaves a lot up to me and when something doesnt work out or something goes haywire it comes out that she didn't want that something in the first place and tries to make me look bad)

So, when she didn't want her friend to hang out, she handed the phone to me to leave me talking to her friend. She did this before and I made the move last time to tell her friend no, that I was tired and so was my gf, that we'd post pone it another time. This time however, I was put on the spot again but also laid back in plans, (didn't care in general) and told her to come over, that we'd watch some of that tv show to catch me up...(I didn't think my gf wanted friend over again but again she handed phone to me and said "I don't care") Her friend can be pushy and "not take a hint" as I'll explain later...I could have told my gf no, that I wasn't going to talk to friend because she needed to be up front. I didn't however and that was where I needed to be up front. I get frustrated that gf stresses out over unnecessary items and in turn I get brunt of it...

We met her friend out at a fast food place, which was outrageous and I forgot my debit card (add to frustration of gf) but she was ok with it, etc... She owed me money and didn't mind paying she just spent more than intended on the place in general being expensive (I found out later that it wasn't where she wanted to go really, but she told me that she didn't care...again she's not up front with me)

So we eat and go back to my place. I get tired while watching tv show and fall sleep off and on while gf and friend watch show. Things are going fine, etc...
I mentioned to my gf earlier that we needed to get her car from her house, that she had no way to leave my house in morning (I have work) if she was going to stay night (unless I dropped her off in morning before work) she said she didn't want to make me late in morning, that she wanted her car. I tried to make a few suggestions on getting car, but she said we'd get it later after watching tv show (she's on vaca from college this week).

It was getting late and my friend from work called for a ride to work this morning who lives a block from gf house. So I suggested that she go home in morning, leave more time for cats, and I needed to get my friend for work in morning anyway. She seemed ok with this (she had told her father and best friend that afternoon that she was staying here for a day or so to give cats more of a chance to get aquainted) Little did I know that she really wanted to go home, but wanted to be nice (not up front once again with me)

Her friend had mentioned that she wanted to watch another show on tv around 10:00. My gf told her that we'd prolly be sleeping by that time, but that she could do what she wanted. I again didn't mind so I agreed with what gf said and told friend that she could do whatever, stay there and watch tv show or go home. She said she'd stay (Friend can't take a hint to go home, me being more laid back, gf frustrated big time over friend not going home and thinks I should tell friend to go home)...(gf again not happy with this but not saying anything) She felt that it was my place to tell her friend to go home since it was my house. Gf was tired one and didn't make move to tell me to have her friend go. She expects me to "mind read" a lot I've noticed. I tell her this and she tells me she drops hints. If I don't catch these hints or move on these hints I get burned. I've told her many times that it's not fair to me that she gets angry when I don't pick up on something, that I'm not a mind reader...

So, we were there, I was half sleep and she was laying on me. We had not taken showers that day because we were lazy and laying around. She was kidding with me I guess that I smelled bad by sniffing me on my shirt and neck. I told her to stop it. By that hour I was grumpy and half asleep and she knows that I get that way when someone tries to mess with me while half sleep (as does she) So, I guess she tried to kiss my neck (I took it as continuing to sniff me because "kisses" were so light they sounded like sniffing noises) and I told her to  please cut it out. Immmediately she stormed off into the other room by herself and left her friend and I there watching friends other tv show. (She later said she was trying to be cute because I was frustrated with her and she knew it. I told her I don't downshift that easy after she's hurt me with actions on "smelling bad", that sometimes just letting things like my frustration, roll off her back, and not getting so defensive when I tell her to knock it off when she's doing something to me I don't like)

I know that sometimes she needs 5 min to assess the situation herself and relax and calm down away from me (that way she doesn't rage and I don't feed into it) So I give her time. I went out 5 min later feeling awkward that friend was there, roomate was in livingroom on computer, and gf had dissapeared. Her friend didn't realize what was going on I don't think at first. I went out to livingroom and immediatly got "I want to go home, take me home" and I was like, what happened to staying here and me taking you home in morning. Then she went on to tell me she felt trapped and wanted her car that I had promised to take her for her car all day. I said, I mentioned that earlier prior to phone call from work friend and her telling me that staying night at my place was ok. She said that she wasn't ok iwth it. So, I left livingroom, went into bedroom, and watched more tv. 20 min went by and I was in and out of sleep on bed while friend watched end of show. GF was now in room gathering up stuff and said that either I take her home or she was calling cab or a roomate. Now friend knew something was amiss. I told her to settle down and take 5 min away that I knew she'd be ok in a few min. She told me she felt trapped with no car, roomate in livingroom, and her friend in my room...that she wanted to go home...By this time, I was frustrated with her for storming off and that she was being inconsiderate to myself and others, that she needed to calm down.

I myself being frustrated went outside for a walk and came in. By this time it was 11:15pm at night. I had to work at 8am. I had intended on her friend staying for little while, leaving and us having some time together and getting into bed early. Neither of us could tell friend to leave because we're both nice and friend won't take hint from us (I guess I'm guilty of "hints" also because I'm sometimes too nice, I need to be more up front) However, I fear looking like bad person to friend of gf...

So, her friend left finally (I walked her out... gf came out and gave her quick hug, scooped up kitten and went back into bedroom) I felt like telling gf to have friend take her home because she was being ridiculous and I had to get up early in morning, but I knew that I'd never hear the end of it if I didn't take her. I had to be not only in city to take her home tonight, but again to get friend in morning now (meaning I had to be up at 6:30)

So I sucked it up, told gf that she was being inconsiderate of fact that I had to work in morning and that I had to go into city twice, but that I'd take her home because I knew that she's be upset if I didn't. She told me that if I would have just listened to her and took her home earlier to get car we wouldn't have this problem that it was my problem now. I told her that she needed to be more up front with going home, that she was hintig around about it, I had mentioned it once, and she told me later on in evening, and then it came down to her going in morning after phone call from work friend a block from her (wasn't problem until I told her to knock it off when she was sniffing me and she got defensive and stormed out of room).

We proceeded to get into all the things that frustrated her that day (not being productive, friend, money on meal, etc) When we argue we're both defensive and stubborn which is never good combo. We fought about fact that she hurt me.  I couldn't understand why she didn't understand that and go so defensive without considering my feelings. She said she felt slighted because she was trying to kiss my neck to kid with me and make it all better. I then told her I don't downshift that easy  all the time, that I didn't think she was kissing but that it felt more like sniffing. So, fight turned to me not trusting her word. I told her I was half alseep that maybe I was wrong and maybe she was kissing me. Well, maybe wasn't good enough. She flew off handle telling me that I didn't trust her, and she never had a gf telll her to knock it off when she was trying to kiss them, that I didn't love her because love was based on trust, that I wasn't considerate of her being tired, her friend coming over and me not telling friend to leave, etc...

We fought for a while and she kept pushing my buttons telling me I was so stubborn, which makes me feel like if she's that unhappy with my stuborness then why not stop dating me...I made one big huge mistake last night however which I apologized for and went overboard on because she had me at the end of my rope. At that point I need to learn to turn away and sometimes I can but last night I didn't. I called her a stubborn butt when walking out of the room because she was defiant in my wishes to get into my jeep so I could take her home. Then she started crying...This was 12:00, she doesn't have classes today and I have to work (I've been telling her she's inconsiderate) she pushed me to the end and I snapped and I tried to take it back. I apologized and she said I hurt her, which I know it was wrong of me to say. I'm very very unconfrontational and don't like to argue unless someone pushes my buttons and I tend to get more defensive than I should.

I took her home, we talked for a while in car. Didn't come to solution. I told her I was sorry for calling her stubborn butt. She then told me that it didn't matter as much as me not believeing her that she was ksssing my neck and not sniffing it . She apologized for being defensive and said that she understood my hurt. She also told me to get over it that she was kidding, LOL. I told her she does same thing however. I couldn't come to an absoute on the whole kissing/sniffing thing...I thought that I would have known if she was kissing me and I told her that. She kept stubborn on fact and put me on the spot with "yes or no" questions (which she knows I hate) because I feel like I'm being interrogated. I didn't want to succumb to what she wanted because I felt I was gving in to her and didn't feel I was wrong. Maybe I am stubborn and wrong. I honestly could not tell her for sure if it was kissing or sniffing. It felt like sniffing to me however, but I couldn't be sure. She told me I had issues in trusting her, that why couldnt I just stop being stubborn and agree with her that she was kissing me and put trust into her, that I must not trust her word on things, etc... I feel it was more an "misinterpretation of action" and " we could agree to disagree" more than it being a trust issue. She's brought in the "trust issue" card before along with the I Love You card, all in same complaint.

She got out of my car last night more frustrated than ever because I didn't give into her, slammed the door (back door wasnt unlocked because car was in drive) so she hit the car window with her hand when she couldn't get it opened (I was pissed and told her to knock it off) she then thru my purse from back seat to front seat as she getting cat out of backseat) and I told her she was getting physical that I didn't like it...I wasn't sure how to take that and told her it was very uncalled for...

All I wanted was to go half way and call it misinterpretation and end if there. I was thinking nothing along the lines of trust whatsoever. I trust her and I love her. She has problems with reassurance also. I try often to make her feel valued and she tells me she does and that she's extremely happy with me. I often want to "work things out" and help her out with her BPD by asking what I can do to help her get thru her rages and issues. Even last night when we both told each other again that we're both stubborn, she was taken back (in a good way) that I responded with "how can we fix this so we're both not so stubborn to the point where we're not hearing each other" In the past her ex SO didn't know how to treat her and only fed into the BPD, which can be easy to do. I find myself feeding it sometimes, kinda did last night. Sometimes I'm really good with not feeding into it. We all slip however...

She also told me that she walks on eggshells around me? I don't understand this...

Usually I'm good at being there and not taking things to heart as much. I find myself getting frustrated with her at times. I know I need to walk away but I get that "ego" that I don't have to back down because I like to get my point across also. She's told me that if I just let her go, and have her time, and cool down. That I can tell her my thoughts and feelings when we're both calm. I get defensive and I know it's not good when being with someone with BP...How can I better control this?

Anyone have any suggestions...
Thx for reading, I know it was long, my apologies...

~ CAPE ~

[CapeCod1]

Sorry in advance for long post...

My gf was over on sat night to spend night to introduce her kitten to my cat to see if they'd get along. She mentioned yesterday morning (sun) that she'd stay another night because taking cat back so soon would take away from our mission in cats...

My gf wanted to be productive yesterday but plans kept falling thru. Her best friend didn't want to get together because husband had gotten sick, her father wasn't in a good mood to get together, we didn't get out of bed as early as we wanted due to being up late with a cast/show (Rocky Horror) we are both part of, the pet store was closed by the time we got out there to get something for her kitten. And there are some other things I can't remember. I take the attitude that "hey, it didn't work, the day was still good for other reasons, etc" She takes the attitude that the day was lost, etc...(Being BPD she has tougher time "seeing the light")

So, another friend called and wanted to hang out to watch a tv show that she's addicted to and wanting me to catch up on. My gf's friend and I are friends but obviously my gf has known her friend for some time more than I have known her. My gf has a hard time saying no to people, as do I. Sometimes she's not up front with what she wants and responds to me with "I don't care what we do" or "it's up to you" or usually just something that isn't straight out what she wants (leaves a lot up to me and when something doesnt work out or something goes haywire it comes out that she didn't want that something in the first place and tries to make me look bad)

So, when she didn't want her friend to hang out, she handed the phone to me to leave me talking to her friend. She did this before and I made the move last time to tell her friend no, that I was tired and so was my gf, that we'd post pone it another time. This time however, I was put on the spot again but also laid back in plans, (didn't care in general) and told her to come over, that we'd watch some of that tv show to catch me up...(I didn't think my gf wanted friend over again but again she handed phone to me and said "I don't care") Her friend can be pushy and "not take a hint" as I'll explain later...I could have told my gf no, that I wasn't going to talk to friend because she needed to be up front. I didn't however and that was where I needed to be up front. I get frustrated that gf stresses out over unnecessary items and in turn I get brunt of it...

We met her friend out at a fast food place, which was outrageous and I forgot my debit card (add to frustration of gf) but she was ok with it, etc... She owed me money and didn't mind paying she just spent more than intended on the place in general being expensive (I found out later that it wasn't where she wanted to go really, but she told me that she didn't care...again she's not up front with me)

So we eat and go back to my place. I get tired while watching tv show and fall sleep off and on while gf and friend watch show. Things are going fine, etc...
I mentioned to my gf earlier that we needed to get her car from her house, that she had no way to leave my house in morning (I have work) if she was going to stay night (unless I dropped her off in morning before work) she said she didn't want to make me late in morning, that she wanted her car. I tried to make a few suggestions on getting car, but she said we'd get it later after watching tv show (she's on vaca from college this week).

It was getting late and my friend from work called for a ride to work this morning who lives a block from gf house. So I suggested that she go home in morning, leave more time for cats, and I needed to get my friend for work in morning anyway. She seemed ok with this (she had told her father and best friend that afternoon that she was staying here for a day or so to give cats more of a chance to get aquainted) Little did I know that she really wanted to go home, but wanted to be nice (not up front once again with me)

Her friend had mentioned that she wanted to watch another show on tv around 10:00. My gf told her that we'd prolly be sleeping by that time, but that she could do what she wanted. I again didn't mind so I agreed with what gf said and told friend that she could do whatever, stay there and watch tv show or go home. She said she'd stay (Friend can't take a hint to go home, me being more laid back, gf frustrated big time over friend not going home and thinks I should tell friend to go home)...(gf again not happy with this but not saying anything) She felt that it was my place to tell her friend to go home since it was my house. Gf was tired one and didn't make move to tell me to have her friend go. She expects me to "mind read" a lot I've noticed. I tell her this and she tells me she drops hints. If I don't catch these hints or move on these hints I get burned. I've told her many times that it's not fair to me that she gets angry when I don't pick up on something, that I'm not a mind reader...

So, we were there, I was half sleep and she was laying on me. We had not taken showers that day because we were lazy and laying around. She was kidding with me I guess that I smelled bad by sniffing me on my shirt and neck. I told her to stop it. By that hour I was grumpy and half asleep and she knows that I get that way when someone tries to mess with me while half sleep (as does she) So, I guess she tried to kiss my neck (I took it as continuing to sniff me because "kisses" were so light they sounded like sniffing noises) and I told her to  please cut it out. Immmediately she stormed off into the other room by herself and left her friend and I there watching friends other tv show. (She later said she was trying to be cute because I was frustrated with her and she knew it. I told her I don't downshift that easy after she's hurt me with actions on "smelling bad", that sometimes just letting things like my frustration, roll off her back, and not getting so defensive when I tell her to knock it off when she's doing something to me I don't like)

I know that sometimes she needs 5 min to assess the situation herself and relax and calm down away from me (that way she doesn't rage and I don't feed into it) So I give her time. I went out 5 min later feeling awkward that friend was there, roomate was in livingroom on computer, and gf had dissapeared. Her friend didn't realize what was going on I don't think at first. I went out to livingroom and immediatly got "I want to go home, take me home" and I was like, what happened to staying here and me taking you home in morning. Then she went on to tell me she felt trapped and wanted her car that I had promised to take her for her car all day. I said, I mentioned that earlier prior to phone call from work friend and her telling me that staying night at my place was ok. She said that she wasn't ok iwth it. So, I left livingroom, went into bedroom, and watched more tv. 20 min went by and I was in and out of sleep on bed while friend watched end of show. GF was now in room gathering up stuff and said that either I take her home or she was calling cab or a roomate. Now friend knew something was amiss. I told her to settle down and take 5 min away that I knew she'd be ok in a few min. She told me she felt trapped with no car, roomate in livingroom, and her friend in my room...that she wanted to go home...By this time, I was frustrated with her for storming off and that she was being inconsiderate to myself and others, that she needed to calm down.

I myself being frustrated went outside for a walk and came in. By this time it was 11:15pm at night. I had to work at 8am. I had intended on her friend staying for little while, leaving and us having some time together and getting into bed early. Neither of us could tell friend to leave because we're both nice and friend won't take hint from us (I guess I'm guilty of "hints" also because I'm sometimes too nice, I need to be more up front) However, I fear looking like bad person to friend of gf...

So, her friend left finally (I walked her out... gf came out and gave her quick hug, scooped up kitten and went back into bedroom) I felt like telling gf to have friend take her home because she was being ridiculous and I had to get up early in morning, but I knew that I'd never hear the end of it if I didn't take her. I had to be not only in city to take her home tonight, but again to get friend in morning now (meaning I had to be up at 6:30)

So I sucked it up, told gf that she was being inconsiderate of fact that I had to work in morning and that I had to go into city twice, but that I'd take her home because I knew that she's be upset if I didn't. She told me that if I would have just listened to her and took her home earlier to get car we wouldn't have this problem that it was my problem now. I told her that she needed to be more up front with going home, that she was hintig around about it, I had mentioned it once, and she told me later on in evening, and then it came down to her going in morning after phone call from work friend a block from her (wasn't problem until I told her to knock it off when she was sniffing me and she got defensive and stormed out of room).

We proceeded to get into all the things that frustrated her that day (not being productive, friend, money on meal, etc) When we argue we're both defensive and stubborn which is never good combo. We fought about fact that she hurt me.  I couldn't understand why she didn't understand that and go so defensive without considering my feelings. She said she felt slighted because she was trying to kiss my neck to kid with me and make it all better. I then told her I don't downshift that easy  all the time, that I didn't think she was kissing but that it felt more like sniffing. So, fight turned to me not trusting her word. I told her I was half alseep that maybe I was wrong and maybe she was kissing me. Well, maybe wasn't good enough. She flew off handle telling me that I didn't trust her, and she never had a gf telll her to knock it off when she was trying to kiss them, that I didn't love her because love was based on trust, that I wasn't considerate of her being tired, her friend coming over and me not telling friend to leave, etc...

We fought for a while and she kept pushing my buttons telling me I was so stubborn, which makes me feel like if she's that unhappy with my stuborness then why not stop dating me...I made one big huge mistake last night however which I apologized for and went overboard on because she had me at the end of my rope. At that point I need to learn to turn away and sometimes I can but last night I didn't. I called her a stubborn butt when walking out of the room because she was defiant in my wishes to get into my jeep so I could take her home. Then she started crying...This was 12:00, she doesn't have classes today and I have to work (I've been telling her she's inconsiderate) she pushed me to the end and I snapped and I tried to take it back. I apologized and she said I hurt her, which I know it was wrong of me to say. I'm very very unconfrontational and don't like to argue unless someone pushes my buttons and I tend to get more defensive than I should.

I took her home, we talked for a while in car. Didn't come to solution. I told her I was sorry for calling her stubborn butt. She then told me that it didn't matter as much as me not believeing her that she was ksssing my neck and not sniffing it . She apologized for being defensive and said that she understood my hurt. She also told me to get over it that she was kidding, LOL. I told her she does same thing however. I couldn't come to an absoute on the whole kissing/sniffing thing...I thought that I would have known if she was kissing me and I told her that. She kept stubborn on fact and put me on the spot with "yes or no" questions (which she knows I hate) because I feel like I'm being interrogated. I didn't want to succumb to what she wanted because I felt I was gving in to her and didn't feel I was wrong. Maybe I am stubborn and wrong. I honestly could not tell her for sure if it was kissing or sniffing. It felt like sniffing to me however, but I couldn't be sure. She told me I had issues in trusting her, that why couldnt I just stop being stubborn and agree with her that she was kissing me and put trust into her, that I must not trust her word on things, etc... I feel it was more an "misinterpretation of action" and " we could agree to disagree" more than it being a trust issue. She's brought in the "trust issue" card before along with the I Love You card, all in same complaint.

She got out of my car last night more frustrated than ever because I didn't give into her, slammed the door (back door wasnt unlocked because car was in drive) so she hit the car window with her hand when she couldn't get it opened (I was pissed and told her to knock it off) she then thru my purse from back seat to front seat as she getting cat out of backseat) and I told her she was getting physical that I didn't like it...I wasn't sure how to take that and told her it was very uncalled for...

All I wanted was to go half way and call it misinterpretation and end if there. I was thinking nothing along the lines of trust whatsoever. I trust her and I love her. She has problems with reassurance also. I try often to make her feel valued and she tells me she does and that she's extremely happy with me. I often want to "work things out" and help her out with her BPD by asking what I can do to help her get thru her rages and issues. Even last night when we both told each other again that we're both stubborn, she was taken back (in a good way) that I responded with "how can we fix this so we're both not so stubborn to the point where we're not hearing each other" In the past her ex SO didn't know how to treat her and only fed into the BPD, which can be easy to do. I find myself feeding it sometimes, kinda did last night. Sometimes I'm really good with not feeding into it. We all slip however...

She also told me that she walks on eggshells around me? I don't understand this...

Usually I'm good at being there and not taking things to heart as much. I find myself getting frustrated with her at times. I know I need to walk away but I get that "ego" that I don't have to back down because I like to get my point across also. She's told me that if I just let her go, and have her time, and cool down. That I can tell her my thoughts and feelings when we're both calm. I get defensive and I know it's not good when being with someone with BP...How can I better control this?

Anyone have any suggestions...
Thx for reading, I know it was long, my apologies...

~ CAPE ~

[wojah]

From what you described, it sounds like both of you have issues with setting healthy boundaries.  Both of you will be stuck in this unhealthy dance of communication unless one or both of you gets help to do the hard work needed to be done in order to improve your communications.  You admitted that you don't have the courage to say "no" either.  Realizing you both have a problem is good thing and you're half way there to personal growth.  The second half requires ACTION, DISCIPLINE and PERSEVERANCE to practicing doing the right thing.  And doing the right thing is very hard to do sometimes and oftentimes it takes us out of comfort zones.

Honestly, I don't think both of you are ready for a real, intimate, loving relationship. I suggest that you both take time out to work on yourselves and start from ground zero again in just being FRIENDS.  You both will need to succeed at just being friends and improving your communication skills before taking on the challenges of the next level of intimacy. Have you both considered couples counseling?

Good luck...hopefully one or both of you will make the commitment to change for the better and putting forth the effort towards that end.  God bless you both. 

[JoannaK]

wojah said it perfectly, cape cod.  As I read through your account, I see lots of issues in both of your camps.  Please see if you can't back up a bit and perhaps start again as friends.  This whole argument was really much ado about nothing... kissing vs. sniffing?  You need to learn how to derail such goofy fights, cape cod.

[CapeCod1]

I agree that I need to derail such fights...Anyone have suggestions?
I need to learn boundaries? Where is a good place to start? How do people go about doing this?
In the past we haven't fought about something so stupid and I told her that.
It wasn't the "sniffing vs. kissing" but the context of supposedly me having no trust in her.
I mean, should I have just given in with this situation and declared myself wrong?
I don't know.

[wojah]

There are plenty of great books and reading material out there regarding boundaries. Dr. Henry Cloud has written numerous books on setting boundaries. You can do a google search under his name or visit this website that he speaks on during their daily "New Life Live" radio broadcast at: www.newlife.com

Best of luck to both of you. 

[CapeCod1]

Thank You! We have since talked this out and a majority of it is me being so stubborn and not seeing her issue of trust.
Love is built on trust and it's not that I don't trust, but I don't like being attacked and told that "Im wrong" flat out...
I get defensive and the walls go up. I need to learn to work on that. We need to learn to meet each other half way.
The fight was by far a very dumb one in context of "surface" reasons. Underlying however she felt I was questioning trust of her...
I need to look into more things. I fear reading into things too much because she's not "extreme" and is "highly-functioning"
She says that she wants me to read but is scared that I'll read into things more than I should in terms of "her" as a BP.
I told her I'd keep an "open-mind" when reading.
Ok gang, hope all continues "steady"
PEACE
~ CAPE ~

[jtonline30]

Cape.  Dude.  Is there a Cliff's Notes version of your post? 

Just kidding - I'm up to the part where the friend comes over to watch TV.  Gonna catch up on the rest now !

[jtonline30]

Cape, my gf and I are a lot like you guys in that we get into the "I don't care" or "whatever you want to do" mode.  Trust me - long term this is baaaaaaad.  What it really means is that the other person isn't comfortable expressing their needs or wants to you.

Sometimes the reason is fear of rejection or conflict.  The feeling is that if you don't put yourself out there, you can't be rejected.  Other times it's baiting.  You let the other person stick their neck out so you can cut off their head.

Try expressing to the other person the things that matter to you.  The things you care about.  The whole kissing vs. sniffing fight resulted from the fact that neither of you are ever clear about your true motives.  As a result you spend all of your time thinking about "what does this really mean" or "what do they really want?"  You interpret her kisses as a subtle way of annoying you.  She interprets your misinterpretation as a lack of trust.  Both of you are conditioned to believe that the other person isn't really saying what they mean.

Start being honest with her.  I know it's frustrating as all hell when you ask someone to tell you what they reaaaaaaaaaly want.  But start with yourself.  Put her in a position where she has to say not to you or express her needs.  It's a start and should help cut down on all the second guessing and reading in between the lines that the two of you are doing.