Is this a lie?

[Think About It...]

Ok, I just had a major situation w/ my wife regarding a "lie" I told over the weekend.  I finally ended up apologizing for it, but I'm not sure I should have.  I need some advice on whether this is or is not a lie.

Wife:  Did you finish all your homework for the week?
Me:  Yes (thinking that I finished the homework for the 2 classes that I planned to do over the weekend)

Doesn't it count what I am thinking?  According to my wife, apparently it doesn't.  This set her off, and it got even worse when I tried to clear up what I thought was a simple misunderstanding.  Like I said, I finally admitted to lying, but I'm not convinced that I did.

What do you think?

[jimfly]

Ok, I just had a major situation w/ my wife regarding a "lie" I told over the weekend.  I finally ended up apologizing for it, but I'm not sure I should have.  I need some advice on whether this is or is not a lie.

Wife:  Did you finish all your homework for the week?
Me:  Yes (thinking that I finished the homework for the 2 classes that I planned to do over the weekend)

Doesn't it count what I am thinking?  According to my wife, apparently it doesn't.  This set her off, and it got even worse when I tried to clear up what I thought was a simple misunderstanding.  Like I said, I finally admitted to lying, but I'm not convinced that I did.

What do you think?

[wojah]

Sometimes BPDs get real picky on wanting "specifics" when it comes to communication. It's not a lie of what you said but it isn't exactly the 100% truth either.  If she is BPD, then it would not be in your best interest to be VAGUE in your answers.  Do yourself a favor and be more direct and precise in your responses to her if you want to save yourself some grief. God knows there will be plenty more BPD dramas for you to deal with that won't be instigated by you.  Try to limit those dramas by not giving her any reason (on your part) to inflame those episodes.  Being vague only feeds the BPD's insecurities, so don't go there.  As a general rule, being clear in communication is the best way to go to avoid any misunderstandings.  People should not be expected to read other people's minds.  So "thinking" doesn't matter if your speaking doesn't match your thinking.

Hope things get better for both of you. 

[CasaG]

Jimfly,

Why was she asking about your homework?  Was she trying to plan her schedule and wanted to know if you were going to be available? 

I have a different point of view than wojah.  BPs have the need to control everything around them, and in my experience the more I allowed my BPH to control, the more control he needed, and it got to the point where I was smothered completely.  You are an adult, and this is your homework for your classes.  Unless your study time will interfere with something specific your wife wishes to do, I believe that you owe her no explanation at all.  A simple "I'm working on it" or "Pretty much" would suffice.  My advice is to give her NO specifics at all; otherwise you will find yourself consumed with "explaining yourself" all the time.

And, no, I don't think you lied.  You thought you had completed everything you needed to do.  If something else came up, then you simply made a mistake, not lied. 

IMHO, of course.

[jimfly]

Thanks wojah and CasaG.  Your different replies are actually very helpful.  I suppose there are probably good times to use both methods.  Sometimes it is better to be very specific and clear, while others it could be best to be vague (esp. when the purpose is to gain control over me).

In this instance, I don't see any reason why my wife needed to know about my homework.  She claims that she was excited when I said I was done, since this would mean we could spend more time together this week.  However, I feel like it's more just to know what I am doing and if she should nag me to do homework.

Ironically, as it stood before the fight this morning, I was poised to have ALL my homework done at school this week, leaving our evenings free for together time.  However, now that I had to go home in the middle of the day to apologize to her, I am behind on my homework for tomorrow.

Life is nuts!   :-\

[JoannaK]

Boundaries are about you...  what you will and won't accept in your life.  If your homework is yours, then whether it is done or not is not your wife's business.  But you need to make that clear to her.  If this has been a hot item for you... she wants time with you and you need to do homework, then perhaps you can discuss on a weekly basis approximately how much time you have for homework and how much time you have for her. 

I agree with wojah that talking about things in very concrete terms is important when dealing with someone with BPD, but I also agree with Casa that a BPD person may wind up controlling every minute of your life if you let him/her.  That's where the boundaries come into play. 

You need to make it clear to her that your homework is your business, tell her in advance about how much you have to do, and, should she bring it up, ask her why she wants to know.  About the fight here...  This is where boundaries are important.  You should apologize to her simply and quickly...  "I'm sorry; I thought I was done.  I certainly had no intention of lying to you."  Then drop it.  If she escalates, she is veering into the area of verbal abuse.  Again, repeat that you thought you were done and you had no intention of lying to her.  Don't repeat it any more and don't be drawn into any prolonged argument.  Hang up the phone; leave the house. 

Now...  unless she is committed to recovery from BPD; she's in a good treatment program and she's sticking with it, you can assume that things will just get worse between you.  You probably need therapy for yourself to figure out what you can and can't deal with, and you need to seriously consider how much of your life you want to spend living in the Spanish Inquisition.   Boundaries are for you... but they don't necessarily mean that the relationship with the BPD person will get any better.

[jimfly]

Wow JoannaK, that is wonderful advice.  See, this is where I went all wrong.  I told her initially that I did not mean to lie to her.  She ended up screaming and getting mad over the phone at me, and hung up.  I tried calling back, but she hung up again.  I then emailed her and said that I was sorry, and I would work hard to finish my homework so we could have the evening together.  She immediately emailed me back and with "Wrong choice!"  So I rushed home, and apologized to her, catering to her every whim.

I shouldn't have gone home.  I tell myself this every time.  And every time I vow not to do it again, but I just don't seem to find the strength.

Luckily, I am in therapy, and have been for a few months now.  I am in the process of figuring out why I am still with her, what I want from my life, and what I am willing to take.  She is in therapy also, so that is a start.  However, she still blames me for most of the problems we have.  I'm no saint, but I'm also not the devil.

Thanks for the advice guys.

[Ladynay]

Hi, just read through this post and wanted to put in my voice.

I have been with my BPD Husband for 3 years. I was also asked questions about randon things and if I did not give the "right" answer I was in trouble. For 1 1/2 years I kept trying to explain myself to get out of trouble. The more I opened my mouth to clarify an issue, the worse it got. I finally saw the desructive pattern that was going on. I did  not like the feeling that at 42 I had to explain myself and justify my actions. I felt like I was treated like a child. I started to give brief explanations when asked and then let it go. If H pushed for more specifics, I would not engage. I would say that I am an adult and am responsible, and he was not in a position to act as my father. I had to take this aproach as I did not want to keep trying to get out of trouble for things H thought I did. I learned you can't defend yourself on something that has never happened. In your case, I do not think you lied. You are an adult and gave an adult answer. In my situation the more explanations I gave, the more H would ask and in reality H was never satisfied with the answers.

Do what works for you. You can't please eveyone else and make them happy. There never may be a right answer to the questions your asked. Good luck.

PS, as I have changed H has had to except that I no longer need to explain myself. THe questions do not come out as frequent as they had in the past. It is not easy. Nothing dealing with a BPd person is.

[LeftCoastMark]

jimfly -

Be prepared for this: Now, in her eyes, you're a liar, maybe even a pathological liar. This is paranoia at work, fear based, and it'll really keep you dancing.

[Caribou]

jimfly- I wanted to add another thought to the discussion.

I have the same sort of situation occurring with my uBPDw from time to time.  I say something then later she will claim that I lied or didn't keep my word about the first thing.  Being honest and keeping my word are important to me so this really used to upset me until I learned about BPD and what was causing the situation in my wife's case.

My wife is a very black/white thinker so she filters what I say through that lense. Now that I realize what is going on, I don't argue or defend myself when she accuses me of lying or not keeping my word when I know the contrary to be true.  I state how I believe the two things can both be true and that I understand she doesn't see it that way but I am unwilling to be drawn into an argument about it.  It helps that her therapist has worked with her on this very issue (the black/white thinking).

 

[jimfly]

I am continually amazed at the insightful and caring responses by you guys.  I'm new here, and to the whole idea of BPD, so this is an incredible comfort.   

Ladynay, I appreciate your points about putting my foot down and saying I am an adult who doesn't need a parent any longer.  My W always claims that I treat her like my mother, but I have really begun to see that she ACTS like my mother and treats ME like her child.

Mark, I am definitely a pathological liar in her eyes.  I have been for quite some time.  During our fight yesterday I asked, "Why would I lie about my homework?" and she responded "You always lie about everything!"

Caribou, my W is definitely a black/white thinker.  Things are always so clear to her.  I ask for a simple explanation, or say that I do not understand, in a caring way (at least I think), and she responds by belittling me or telling me "I'm speaking English, isn't that the language you speak?"

Thanks again!  This forum is awesome!