questions...

[Think About It...]

I know this should probably go in the parenting/co-parenting section, but, I guess I am more comfortable here in committed and since most of you are or were in long term relationships perhaps you can help me here.

Hubby is making progress, so, I am trying desperately to use the techniques and not get caught up in the fray.

Our biggest battle is regarding the kids (mine biologically) - as many parents we have differing ideas about how to raise the kids, how to discipline, etc.  I have a tenadancy to be more laid back, talk to the kids rather than always punish, because honestly I don't think that after a certain age punishment really works...just breeds resentment.

He thinks that he has no role in the parenting, thinks he should have equal say... my statement in the past has been, equal say comes with equal contribution in the parenting...  parenting teenagers takes a very careful/loving approach and as we all know the standard approach of someone with BPD is anything but carefull or loving.  He has driven such a wedge between himself and the girls that I don't know if anyone will bridge the gap.  Of course I still hear that this is my fault for not reinforcing the parenting role for him with my girls... he has expressed it before so I know that somewhere down very very deep, he does know that he has created this mess, that ultimately the girls have every reason in the world to resent him, to not respect him...after all I think my girls would tolorate all his behaviors, the criticalness, the control freakiness - if they honestly could see that he was making me happy...

My girls and I were/are very close, and in my eyes at this point they are adults, I cannot control them, punish them, they f-up it is their responsibility, it affects them and their lives/future...  but, BPDh thinks/feels that their f-ups directly affect him, geez - he is the least affected in the household, I am the one who has to be there emotionally, financially, when any of them (including him) f-up. 

Are there other parents/step-parents who can tell me what their experiences have been?  Equal parenting?  is this even a reality, isn't there always one parent who takes the lead in most things with the kids, good-cop, bad-cop.  I do listen to his opinions on the kids and have upped a punishment once in a while, even when it went against my own judgement as thier parent.

Is he just holding on to those old fashioned values that every decision must be made together..that the family should be this perfect little world where no one talks back, kids do just what they are told, and every problem is solved in 1/2 hour. should I be wearing my day-dress and pearls while I make him a nice hot dinner too...  times have changed, roles have changed, teenagers have changed...

plus he spends so much time being "unavailable" decisions still need to be made, life does go on

Am I just seeing all of this through my single parenting cingular view or is this a case of black/white, all/nothing and he can't see that his role as step-dad can be whatever he makes it, it just can't be what he seems to expect.

Please, opinions, experiences, anything...

[elphaba]

I know this should probably go in the parenting/co-parenting section, but, I guess I am more comfortable here in committed and since most of you are or were in long term relationships perhaps you can help me here.

Hubby is making progress, so, I am trying desperately to use the techniques and not get caught up in the fray.

Our biggest battle is regarding the kids (mine biologically) - as many parents we have differing ideas about how to raise the kids, how to discipline, etc.  I have a tenadancy to be more laid back, talk to the kids rather than always punish, because honestly I don't think that after a certain age punishment really works...just breeds resentment.

He thinks that he has no role in the parenting, thinks he should have equal say... my statement in the past has been, equal say comes with equal contribution in the parenting...  parenting teenagers takes a very careful/loving approach and as we all know the standard approach of someone with BPD is anything but carefull or loving.  He has driven such a wedge between himself and the girls that I don't know if anyone will bridge the gap.  Of course I still hear that this is my fault for not reinforcing the parenting role for him with my girls... he has expressed it before so I know that somewhere down very very deep, he does know that he has created this mess, that ultimately the girls have every reason in the world to resent him, to not respect him...after all I think my girls would tolorate all his behaviors, the criticalness, the control freakiness - if they honestly could see that he was making me happy...

My girls and I were/are very close, and in my eyes at this point they are adults, I cannot control them, punish them, they f-up it is their responsibility, it affects them and their lives/future...  but, BPDh thinks/feels that their f-ups directly affect him, geez - he is the least affected in the household, I am the one who has to be there emotionally, financially, when any of them (including him) f-up. 

Are there other parents/step-parents who can tell me what their experiences have been?  Equal parenting?  is this even a reality, isn't there always one parent who takes the lead in most things with the kids, good-cop, bad-cop.  I do listen to his opinions on the kids and have upped a punishment once in a while, even when it went against my own judgement as thier parent.

Is he just holding on to those old fashioned values that every decision must be made together..that the family should be this perfect little world where no one talks back, kids do just what they are told, and every problem is solved in 1/2 hour. should I be wearing my day-dress and pearls while I make him a nice hot dinner too...  times have changed, roles have changed, teenagers have changed...

plus he spends so much time being "unavailable" decisions still need to be made, life does go on

Am I just seeing all of this through my single parenting cingular view or is this a case of black/white, all/nothing and he can't see that his role as step-dad can be whatever he makes it, it just can't be what he seems to expect.

Please, opinions, experiences, anything...

[JoannaK]

My son is 18.  My bf, my son, and myself just moved in together last summer when my son was still 17.  My son is still in high school, and, as he is the oldest in his class, he has another year of high school left after this one.

You can't really discipline an older teenager...  you have to talk to them as if they are responsible people.  If the kid is 17 or 18 and is basically a good kid, does a good job in school, takes care of his/her room and possessions (to some degree), doesn't get drunk or drive while drinking, doesn't do drugs, is home when he says he will be, etc. etc., the parents should count their blessings.  It's not that they don't need guidance, but that's a whole lot different than discipline.  I'm not talking about difficult low-life kids here; I'm talking about basically good responsible kids. 

My bf completely defers to me in terms of what should and should not be with my son.  Yep, he will give me his opinion and we will discuss issues, but my bf knows that my son is my son and he is a stepdad.  Now my bf gets a better response out of my son than I do concerning tasks around the house.  My son likes and respects my bf and he wants to please him more than he wants to please me. 

Unless the kids are little, stepparents are interlopers to some extent and they need to realize that.  Your kids will never see him as "dad", just as my son will never see my bf as "dad".  If the man tries to impose himself on them, they are going to resent it, as your girls resent him.  I don't know how you make him see this, as he is BPD.  Bpd types are notorious controllers, and they don't like having people around who see through them..  and your girls certainly see through him bright and clear.  Even if he were biodad, he's have problems trying to control teenagers... but especially as he is not biodad.  He's fighting a losing battle, and you are stuck in the middle. 

I was terribly concerned about how my son would relate to my bf and vice verse when we moved in together.  My son and I had lived alone for three years after the separation, and my bf came over to our house, but he didn't hang around there night and day.  It's all worked very well with few bumps.  But, again, my bf is not trying to impose himself on my son.  He knows his role, and he sticks with it.  Even when he gets mad at the kid about something stupid (leaving all of the lights on in his bedroom), he always tempers himself before he talks to my son about it.. or he lets me talk to him.  I remind him that if our only complaint about my son is that he leaves all the lights on in his room or he makes a mess in the kitchen, we should count our blessings.  And my bf agrees.

So, elphaba, your h is way off base here.  But I don't know how you make him see that.

[elphaba]

JK,

thanks, I have researched parenting sites, step-family sites, anything and everything... when I have found simpler tips and tricks and info on what a step-parent should do I print it out and leave it for him to find (he's nosey).  Usually he sees it with such BPD resentment that he can't take it at face value, especially coming from me, Elphaba (Wicked Witch of the West)...

He's doing better, but, when we get into these arguments about the kids and disagree, lately his response has been to say "Well, I can see that my opinion and feelings never mattered, never will matter and we just can't even talk about the kids" and then storm off.  I wish he could take his role, instead of the role he believes he should have... and run with it, have fun with it... be the fun, cool musician guy...the parenting role bites, why take that role?

But yes, the BPD makes it all that much more difficult for me and the kids and him!  - Because in his head if he is not an equal parent, he is nothing, he has even said "a cardboard cutout dad", but, it is so not that, he can have so much more influence, such a greater impact by not taking the "parenting" role.  He sees my punishments as too light, my ability to let things go as not caring enough, my not asking many questions of my older teens as allowing them to run wild. 

These are kids who work, contribute to the monthly bills that are thier responsibilty, do chores (sometimes) and otherwise don't get in too much trouble.  I know they probably both likely drink although rarely if ever to excess, i know my middle one has smoked pot, but, they are overall responsible, hard working, decent kids...  again, I have always thought that the better judge of who your kids are and if you have done a good job with them is how they act outside the home - EVERYONE who knows my kids are always complimentary and say what great responsible mature kids they are.

I know that it is hard for him, I know he feels left out, the control issues that come with BPD and the fact that ultimately once our kids hit a certain age...we DON'T have control anymore... wheeeew... I feel like a referee at some insane game where NOBODY except me is playing by the rules. ;==

welcome any and all other replies.

[optimistic]

Well, I have a similar situation, although my daughters are younger (9 and 12).  I married H when they were 5 and 8.  They knew him pretty well because he had given them horseback riding lessons for about a year.

Anyway, here is the scenario:  H is really a charismatic person, and when he turns on the charm, basically no one, young or old, can resist him.  He especially cranks it up around kids, who then follow him around like the pied piper.  He truly, really believes that he and my girls have a super good, tight relationship.  BUT...when he is in BPD behavior mode, he is silent for days, or sometimes doesn't come home, or gets drunk and stumbles home, or ignores us and hides out in the barn or elsewhere, or refuses to participate in family activities, or snaps at the girls if they interrupt his zoned-out TV watching, etc.  When he is in a good spell, he basically forgets or ignores how he has behaved as BPD stepdad, and thinks he can pick up right where he left off.

Well, the girls don't forget.  They like him fine when he is "good," but are always a bit leary and standoffish, especially the oldest.  H notices but writes it off to pre-teenager stuff.  They don't really seek his company, even during his good spells.  When he is BPDish, they avoid him.  And anytime he is gone, even during a good spell, they don't even ask where he is.  Bottom line, they find him sometimes amusing, and otherwise basically tolerate his presence (or absence).

Almost forgot to mention...in relation to your posts--he often criticizes my parenting, saying (like you) that I am too lax, too laid back, etc.  He will say "were it me, I would...(do it this way or that way)".  I basically acknowledge his opinion, but the boundary I have set is this:  I tell him that he is not consistently present or consistently involved.  When and if he ever is, we can open discussion of how best to co-parent. 

I guess I would sum it up as saying "you reap what you sow."  In his case, he has sown seeds of distrust and distance with his step-daughters, and the relationship is not what he imagines it to be or at all what it could be if not for the BPD.

[Caribou]

elphaba - I can identify with both roles on this one.  I am the parent to three teenagers from a previous marriage and am the stepdad to my uBPDw's preteen daughter.  As you and others have stated, I don't believe that a step parent should have "equal say" to the biological parent.  My wife does not have that with my daughters and I do not expect that with her daughter.  Ideally we discuss parenting issues and support each other, but in the end the biological parent makes the decision, administers the discipline, etc.

[CasaG]

I'll throw my two cents in even though my children are my BPH's biological children.  Especially with my youngest son, my H and I have disagreed on parenting forever.  According to my husband, I am too lax, too lenient, and I get in between the relationship between he and his son.  (Of course I got between them -- my BPH was entirely too punitive, too harsh, and usually as out-of-control as the kids). 

I realized, after months of therapy, that I had changed my parenting style to accommodate my BPH.  I toughened up, I yelled, I threatened, I punished.  All the while knowing that that style WAS NOT working; especially on a bipolar teenager!  But my subconscious said that if I was tougher, then maybe Dad would stay out of it.  I almost ruined my relationship with my son because of it.  I finally decided to parent MY WAY, and when my BPH harangues about me "always being on the kids' side" I just reply "someone has to be".

[rachel]

Wow and good luck.  I can relate to your situation although my children are much younger and are both of our biological children.  We have four children.  When my husband is "good" he is much like one of the earlier writers described.  He is very "charming" and goes out of his way to entertain everyone (including the children).  The problem is that he so rarely is "good."  Especially lately he spends most of his time at home in bed.  My two year old often asks and then answers"Where's Daddy, Bed?"  However, when he is up he wants complete obedience from us all.  This is quite difficult as he has not really been "available" most of their lives.  Once my son (then around 5) was eating spagetti with his fingers.  My BPD husband demands my son eat with his fork and my son refuses.  My hubby then starts screaming at me that he was disrespectful and what was I going to do about it?  Well since I didn't care he was eating with his fingers in the first place I suggested maybe we should be careful about the battles we pick.  I didn't think forced obedience to a "surprise" rule would do much for anyone.  My son usually eats how he wants and my husband usually doesn't even know he exists.  Then he starts shouting at me that this was a big deal because "The Bible says we should honor our father and mother!" and he certainly was not honoring him!  Excuse me?  How on earth does he expect to get the respect he wants when he is unable to respect the children.  And how dare he use the Bible to justify his outragous behavior.  Anyway.  I can relate to most everything posted here.  When my husband is around mentally he is usually upset that we don't do things the way he would.  However, none of us can stand being around him to do things with him because he is such a perfectionist that we don't do whatever it is right.  For example when he is not around we all pitch in and do the dishes together.  However when it is his turn no one helps him.  He gets so mad that the kids won't "help" him.  But if they try (remember they are still very little) he constantly tells them, no put the dish here, no do it this way, you are loading the dishwasher wrong.  Good gravy.  I used to tell him he was really setting up a big battle with them when they get older, but that just makes him mad.  Now I  just try to steer the kids and him clear of each other.  I guess he will have to figure out the consequences later.  Good luck.  Sorry I don't have any profound suggestions.  I think for now my solution has been just to try and stress individual accountablity.  For example if one of the kids does something wrong I try and tell my husband that is their responsibity not his.  He doesn't like this but I don't know what else to do.  When they are around each other I just try and keep them in seprate areas with seprate responsibilites.  (You are responsible for this and child is responsible for this.)  I am also much more uptight about parenting when hubby is around, because I know he wants things to be different, but all this does is cause me stress and frustrates the kids.