wife w/ history of abuse

[Think About It...]

Ok, I've made a couple other more general posts here at BPDFamily.  This one gets quite particular, and very personal.  I am hoping for the same positive feedback from you guys.

My W shows symptoms of BPD.  However, to complicate the situation, she was in a horrible relationship during high school (we're only 23) where she was beaten and raped for 2 years.

Last night she ended up being "triggered" into a flashback of her rapes.  However, this happened b/c she said I couldn't remember her rapist's name, and told me to say it.  Hesitatingly, I said it out loud.  She got seemingly mad, wouldn't let me hug her, and went to the bathroom.  We were getting ready for bed at time, so I got into bed.

Apparently, my wife had a breakdown in the bathroom and spent an hour crying, breaking a candle, screaming, and having flashbacks.  However, I had falled asleep after a couple minutes of what I thought was silence in the bathroom (I thought she was just getting ready for bed).

Later, she came in screaming at me, and woke me up.  She slapped me and told me how little I cared for her b/c I should know she would have a flashback, and I shouldn't have laid down.  I told her I didn't hear her (I was asleep), and it was an accident that I fell asleep so quickly (I was tired).

After much arguing and crying, she ended up packing her bags, and started out the door (in the 25 degree weather) with nothing but a sweater and slippers on.  I told her she could take the car, call the emergency shelter, etc, but she refused.  I ended up having to "admit" that I was wrong in order to keep her from leaving like this.

What could I have done differently?  I just feel like I cannot live like this any more.

[jimfly]

Ok, I've made a couple other more general posts here at BPDFamily.  This one gets quite particular, and very personal.  I am hoping for the same positive feedback from you guys.

My W shows symptoms of BPD.  However, to complicate the situation, she was in a horrible relationship during high school (we're only 23) where she was beaten and raped for 2 years.

Last night she ended up being "triggered" into a flashback of her rapes.  However, this happened b/c she said I couldn't remember her rapist's name, and told me to say it.  Hesitatingly, I said it out loud.  She got seemingly mad, wouldn't let me hug her, and went to the bathroom.  We were getting ready for bed at time, so I got into bed.

Apparently, my wife had a breakdown in the bathroom and spent an hour crying, breaking a candle, screaming, and having flashbacks.  However, I had falled asleep after a couple minutes of what I thought was silence in the bathroom (I thought she was just getting ready for bed).

Later, she came in screaming at me, and woke me up.  She slapped me and told me how little I cared for her b/c I should know she would have a flashback, and I shouldn't have laid down.  I told her I didn't hear her (I was asleep), and it was an accident that I fell asleep so quickly (I was tired).

After much arguing and crying, she ended up packing her bags, and started out the door (in the 25 degree weather) with nothing but a sweater and slippers on.  I told her she could take the car, call the emergency shelter, etc, but she refused.  I ended up having to "admit" that I was wrong in order to keep her from leaving like this.

What could I have done differently?  I just feel like I cannot live like this any more.

[lennic]

Hi Jimfly.

It is nearly certain that your wife is suffering from PTSD. If she hasn't undergone therapy for this event (and maybe earlier ones) of intense trama then her life will definitely be plagued with these emotional flashbacks and other assiciated behaviors.

Please try to see if you guys can find a way of getting her some help with this. There is little hope of even working with deeper issues of self with this very profound issue of trama so overwhelming to her.

Best of luck.

Lenny

[jimfly]

Lennic,

She is in therapy w/ a LCSW who specializes in trauma victims.  In a way, I think that is helping her a lot (she's been going since November).  However, it is driving a wedge btw us.  She claims that her therapist says I'm an abuser b/c I accidentally trigger her in some way.  She has told me that I'm worse than her rapist, even though I'm her H and have tried everything I know to help.  I'm not perfect, but I'm no rapist.

Thanks for the reply

[Caribou]

My uBPDw went into a rage when we were driving once and started hitting me.  I stopped the truck and got out to get away from her.  She got out to resume raging at me.  I got back in the truck and told her if she would calm down we would head home.  She refused and started walking home (we were 6 miles from our house).  Rather than beg or plead with her, I drove home.

Similar situations have happened since then.  She doesn't get into a situation where she would have to walk because she knows I will let her take responsibility for her actions.  I feel like if I had begged and pleaded with her and told her I did something wrong when I did not, I would just be enabling her behaviors.

That being said, if what she is doing is obviously dangerous, a different approach would be necessary.  Also, I think it is important to be as empathetic and supportive as possible about how she may be feeling without crossing the line into enabling.

[JoannaK]

Jim, I simply don't know what to say when I read these posts.  Does the therapist that your wife is working with know about these episodes and these flashbacks?  Have you ever met with him/her?  Are you yourself working with a therapist? 

Unless you are misrepresenting the situation, jim, you did nothing wrong.  You shouldn't be apologizing for things you didn't do.  You told her that you didn't realize she was having an episode and that was honest.  If she wants to pack her bags and go off in the night, you will need to let her go.  Tell her that you love her and hope she won't do that but you won't stop her.  Or call 911 and tell them that she is having a breakdown and is intent on leaving the house with only street clothes.  Perhaps when she is calm, you can tell her that the next time she decides to leave in the night, you will let her go (or call 911).  She will destroy you unless you start to handle things more effectively, jim, and I think you know that.   

About the therapist... You really don't know what the therapist is telling her unless you hear it from the therapist's mouth.  There are many incompetent therapists out there, and there are also patients who simply don't "hear" what the therapist is telling them or who outright lie to their partners about what goes on in therapy.

Your wife is  having very serious episodes of ptsd which must be dealt with... It is also true that oncee therapy starts, the patients may actually get worse for a while as they start to discuss and acknowledge what happened to them.  But unless you are deliberately "triggering" her about her rapes, you are not abusing her.  But perhaps she is telling the therapist that you are deliberately triggering her.

I wish I could be more helpful, jim.  Your wife has very serious issues and they are unlikely to go away unless she gets long-term effective therapy and probably some medications.  It is unclear to me if she is in the right place right now concerning her therapy.

[jimfly]

Joanna, thanks for the very insightful comments.

My wife is on meds, and I am beginning to question her therapy also.  I'm on meds and in therapy as well.  That's the only way I would've survived this long.

I don't know if her therapist knows about these episodes, especially how severe and scary they are for both us.  No, I have NEVER met with my wife's therapist.

The problem w/ 911 is that she then claims that I am just using that to control her.  I told her last night that I should call, but she got even more mad, and said she wouldn't be here when the responders arrived.  From what she has told me, her therapist agrees that I am using 911 to control her.  It's such a mess.

I agree that I don't know what her therapist has actually said.  That is one tidbit that I hang onto (and my therapist has reminded me several times).

And I also agree that she is going to destroy me, unless I can figure out how to handle this better.  I have been on the verge of leaving several times, but I just can't get up the strength.  There are so many wonderful times, and I love her so much.  It's very painful, as I'm sure you guys know.   :'(

As for just letting her go (like Caribou mentioned also), I have tried that before.  We stayed up all night one time w/ her leaving, me just sitting on the couch and letting her go, then her coming back yelling at me.  It was horrible.

I thought I was lucky that she finally stopped throwing me out.  However, she claims that then I play the victim.  If she leaves, then I can't tell people lies about her, and she is the true victim.

What a quandry!

[amybeth79]

Jim, you couldn't have handled it differently.  You were baited.  You were set up.  I know this because I used to do this.  It's this sick need inside of us to have people hurt us more than we already hurt.  I would set my partners up to say or do something that would desperately hurt me, then proceed to scream and yell because they couldn't properly care for me.  It's very unfair. Very hurtful.  Her slapping you is unacceptable.  I realize she is hurting...I understand that...but it NEVER gives us an excuse to lay our hands on you. 

The only thing I could offer would be next time she sets you up (and you knew at the time it was a mistake to say the name), is to tell her that you are not going to participate in this.  That you know he really hurt her, and for that you are sorry.  Tell her you are willing to discuss the events if she feels like talking about them would help her, but that you are not going to do/say something that will hurt her.

I'm sorry this happened.  I can only imagine how sad, hurt, and confused you were.

Take care,
AmyBeth

[jimfly]

AmyBeth,

Thank you for your post.  I really appreciate your insight.  I think you are absolutely right about not participating in the "set up" next time.  Unfortunately, I'm not always sharp enough to see it coming.  This time was a no brainer.  However, I was in a pickle.  She claimed she couldn't trust me when I said that I remembered her rapist's name.  I told her that I did, and I didn't think saying it was the right thing to do.  She continued to prod me, and continued to say I was un-trustworthy.  Although, in hindsight, it would've been better to be a "liar" than a "brutal rapist".

Thanks again!

[amybeth79]

Jim, just remember that you aren't to blame for that; you were set up.  If you had said nothing, you would've gotten the "Are you ignoring me? How could you not remember his name?"...however , by saying his name she was thrown into a flashback and you weren't 'there for her'.  No win.  You say you aren't always that bright, but it's not that...it's that you aren't expecting to have to defend yourself against set-ups at home.  My god...like living in a TV show at times, huh?

I just wanted to emphasize that you need not feel guilty. 

AmyBeth

[jimfly]

Thanks AmyBeth!

By the way, I LOVE your avatar! 

I'm working on getting up the strength to talk to my wife about the incident last night.  Maybe I will be able to soon.  I'm working on not feeling guilty.

[amybeth79]

Perhaps you could write her a letter explaining how the incident made you feel.  You could ask what she was wanting from you...what could've been said or done to make it smoother.  Explain that you didn't hurt her on purpose, nor did you ignore her needs...it was a misunderstanding.  She is expecting you to mind read.  I used to do that...expected that the person I loved would be able to love me so much that he could see inside my head and anticipate my feelings. 

The avatar is from a site regarding our inner child.  I thought it was so beautiful.

Take care,
Amy

[been there]

   Hey jimfly,

   Amy was right about you being set-up and baited.

   There is a good book titled Ghost's In The Bedroom, it's about incest survivor's but I think it will help explain what's going on with your W. During Tina's therapy(my wife), it was explained to me about being the stand-in for the real abuser in her past. Tina's T, early on thought I was abusing Tina, until she finally found out what was really happening.

   I, like you didn't handle the situation very well at times, but the more I read about and learned, it became easier to not allow myself to trigger her emotions(even if it was by her setting me up).

   This is something that your W definately needs to deal with, because it can destroy the relationship easily.

   Good luck, Mark