new to the board --- need some reurance

[Think About It...]

Hi everyone~
I'm new to this board and need some wisdom.  Here it is Sunday nite, I am home alone as my BPD Husband is a long Haul truck driver and he just went on the road this afternoon.

In the summer of 2004 my BPD started on his break down, and by Sept. was finally in to see a Psychiatrist.  I never suspected that he was mentally ill but that he had become a complete and utter jerk.  We got married late 2001 after a whirlwind internet courtship.   I never knew what hit me in the next 2 years.

My BPD is 10 years younger than me and so I thought it was just that he hadn't grown up or was mature enough.  No marriage is perfect 24/7, but my yet to be diagnosed BPD was expecting the honeymoon period to be forever... I came to find out in the summer of 2004 that my BPD was having an affair -- I was devastated --------   I thought we had worked through this during the course of the next several months and realized that the affair was symptom of the the BPD and what was going on in his head ------  he has been on Paxil XR since Oct.2004... and I went on an anti-depressant a few months ago.   Last Sept. We were on our holidays (went to see his family & children) and took my IPAQ with us to keep in touch with via email.  When we got home I came across an email he sent (in the sent folder) to yet another woman (blah blah blah - can't live with out you blah blah blah),  so I calmly fell apart once again.  And once more we worked through the reasons why this behaviour is completely inappropriate.   

My BPD has never been successfull in his entire life to stick it out in a relationship.  I am prepared to keep working and growing --- but tonight on the phone he screamed at me he wants a divorce --- because he says I do not trust him...  I hear from him that I LOVE You and it's all about us baby and you are the one for me and there is no one else and wham!  He says he has had enough and wants out...  and all done ove a cell phone call...  so right now I don't know which end is up... do I quietly go to bed and hope this just goes away or make an issue of it,  I do not want a divorce.  I love my husband warts and all...  Is there hope?  ?

[hanging-On]

Hi everyone~
I'm new to this board and need some wisdom.  Here it is Sunday nite, I am home alone as my BPD Husband is a long Haul truck driver and he just went on the road this afternoon.

In the summer of 2004 my BPD started on his break down, and by Sept. was finally in to see a Psychiatrist.  I never suspected that he was mentally ill but that he had become a complete and utter jerk.  We got married late 2001 after a whirlwind internet courtship.   I never knew what hit me in the next 2 years.

My BPD is 10 years younger than me and so I thought it was just that he hadn't grown up or was mature enough.  No marriage is perfect 24/7, but my yet to be diagnosed BPD was expecting the honeymoon period to be forever... I came to find out in the summer of 2004 that my BPD was having an affair -- I was devastated --------   I thought we had worked through this during the course of the next several months and realized that the affair was symptom of the the BPD and what was going on in his head ------  he has been on Paxil XR since Oct.2004... and I went on an anti-depressant a few months ago.   Last Sept. We were on our holidays (went to see his family & children) and took my IPAQ with us to keep in touch with via email.  When we got home I came across an email he sent (in the sent folder) to yet another woman (blah blah blah - can't live with out you blah blah blah),  so I calmly fell apart once again.  And once more we worked through the reasons why this behaviour is completely inappropriate.   

My BPD has never been successfull in his entire life to stick it out in a relationship.  I am prepared to keep working and growing --- but tonight on the phone he screamed at me he wants a divorce --- because he says I do not trust him...  I hear from him that I LOVE You and it's all about us baby and you are the one for me and there is no one else and wham!  He says he has had enough and wants out...  and all done ove a cell phone call...  so right now I don't know which end is up... do I quietly go to bed and hope this just goes away or make an issue of it,  I do not want a divorce.  I love my husband warts and all...  Is there hope?  ?

[hanging-On]

my husband has just callled again to tell me that he is serious about the divorce ------ he will be back into town on Tuseday and he is going to sell his truck and we are to list the house for sale...   this came up because I said to him before he left to please not go online and set himself up for another temptation  ( after he told me he had been on a BBW web site)   while he had his nap I was on his laptop and looked at his history and found all of the profiles he has been reading... so of course I am insecure about his behavior and the realioty is that I don't trust him  -- but he says since I can't trust him he wants a divorce --- that he is sick of me making him feel like crap over his affair...  I just want to puke right now...    :'(

and I have not had the guts to say "I do not trust you"

I want to go forward together with him and get through this crap ----- life is not black and white

[hanging-On]

just got the 3rd phone call  -------
we have made it through yet another anixety attack,   so for now all is go ahead slow again...

The emotional roller-coaster of living with a BPD is scary

Thank goodness for Paxil,  he'll be taking his tablet shortly when he pulls up for the nite, and I think I'm going to find me some ice cream

[Caribou]

Hi Hangin-On and welcome to BPDFamily.  I am so sorry about the way things are going.

I love my husband warts and all...  Is there hope?

I believe there is hope.  If you and your husband are both committed to recovery, I believe he can recover.  There are several examples of couples at BPDFamily who have done just that.  Unfortunately, there are also a lot of couples where the Non-BPD is truly committed but the person with BPD is committed only in words.  In those cases, things don't seem to improve much for the person with BPD.

Feel free to post as much as you like and we will try to help out however we can.

[JoannaK]

Both people must be committed to each other and to themselves for the marriage to have a chance.  Both people must be willing to look at the issues that have kept them in misery, and they must be open to themselves, each other, and the therapist.   If your h does indeed have BPD, nobody will be able to have a healthy, nonabusive long term relationship with him unless he gets serious about recovery.

You need, hanging on, to think about what you want out of a relationship.  Is it o.k. to be with a man who meets others online and/or actually cheats?  You can't change him and he's had affairs... of course you can't trust him!  You married him hoping for something other than you've got.  The whirlwind romance and quick marriage is very common for a BPD person...  they maintain a mask, a facade, until you are "hooked".  Then everything comes apart.  The large age difference is common also.

So...  he will cheat, he will meet others online.  Unless he gets serious about his problems and unless he gets effective treatment.  The doc who is giving him the Paxil probably has no idea about what is really his problem.  You didn't cause his problems, you can't control him, you can't cure him.  You can help to point him in the right direction and you can erect and maintain appropriate boundaries...  but that's about it.

Your life is yours..  you can decide how happy or miserable you will be..  with or without him.

[hanging-On]

Thank you for responding ---- I needed to hear your words