Trying to digest BPD's latest email RE DV/therapy- response help needed

[Think About It...]

BPDex emailed and said child 7 needs therapy due to having a new sibling (My child born 6 months ago)

We thought it was weird, but figured child does need therapy due to having BPD mom, so we decided to take this chance and agree and offered up a suggestion of a highly qualified local family therapist.

BPD wrote back with her options.  I look into them all and they are all working with the same Domestic Violence family support group. There was one who is one of the mean PTA moms at school!

There has never been DV.  She tried to falsely claim it almost 3 years ago, it was tossed out of court and she has been crying DV since.

We wrote back and said, "These are DV support groups and not appropriate, neither is a parent from child's school.  Here are some more highly qualified docs within a mile of you that we would be OK with."

This is what she wrote back:

BFofhell0kitty,

Domestic Violence is a pattern of behaviors including social, economic, emotional and psychological tactics, including manipulation intending to impact and control another person.
I understand you may not recognize these behaviors,
But that is the environment that CHILD was born into and continues to be exposed to on a regular basis. Therapists are mandated by law to maintain confidentiality.
Thank you for the options, I appreciate your mindfulness of our transportation needs
I will check into them.

Please reconsider my options as child severely needs this type of support. 

I can tell that CHILD is now being provided structure in your home, This is evident in less stressful transition from your home to mine.


thank you,
BPDex

--------------

How to even respond to this? 

[hell0kitty]

BPDex emailed and said child 7 needs therapy due to having a new sibling (My child born 6 months ago)

We thought it was weird, but figured child does need therapy due to having BPD mom, so we decided to take this chance and agree and offered up a suggestion of a highly qualified local family therapist.

BPD wrote back with her options.  I look into them all and they are all working with the same Domestic Violence family support group. There was one who is one of the mean PTA moms at school!

There has never been DV.  She tried to falsely claim it almost 3 years ago, it was tossed out of court and she has been crying DV since.

We wrote back and said, "These are DV support groups and not appropriate, neither is a parent from child's school.  Here are some more highly qualified docs within a mile of you that we would be OK with."

This is what she wrote back:

BFofhell0kitty,

Domestic Violence is a pattern of behaviors including social, economic, emotional and psychological tactics, including manipulation intending to impact and control another person.
I understand you may not recognize these behaviors,
But that is the environment that CHILD was born into and continues to be exposed to on a regular basis. Therapists are mandated by law to maintain confidentiality.
Thank you for the options, I appreciate your mindfulness of our transportation needs
I will check into them.

Please reconsider my options as child severely needs this type of support. 

I can tell that CHILD is now being provided structure in your home, This is evident in less stressful transition from your home to mine.


thank you,
BPDex

--------------

How to even respond to this? 

[mamachelle]

hell0kitty,

I would do nothing right now and take this to your attorney and also show the series of emails to the GAL if you have one. You are better off posting this on the Legal Board I think. Accusations of DV are accusations and this to me looks like that...

ugh a mean PTA Mom to boot. 

  mamachelle

[Free One]

This kind of made me laugh because everything she said is true, but from her, so it's almost like projection. Maybe she's trying to say she needs therapy to deal with the new baby herself. 

I think you wait and see if she agrees to one of the ones you recommend. Maybe follow up with a "Did you decide on one of these doctors?" if no response.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[hell0kitty]

Yes, I found it really funny that I could have written this email to her ABOUT her because if that is how you describe DV then she has been victimizing my family for a very long time now.

[Matt]

What is the custody situation right now?

How much time does the child spend in each home?

Any ongoing legal stuff?  Or do you think Mom is laying the groundwork for more accusations?

How experienced is your lawyer in handling false accusations?

From:  HelloKitty
To:  Ex
bcc:  HelloKitty's attorney

Your statement, "That is the environment Child was born into and continues to be exposed to on a regular basis." - I don't understand - can you please explain what you mean by this?

Do you have reason to believe that Child is exposed to domestic violence?

I'm not sure, but I'm wondering if calling her out - letting her either say what she is accusing you of, or back off - might be helpful.

Usually I would say, "Don't engage."  But in this case, I'd be inclined to go ahead and draw her out - let her say it or back down.  Get the accusations out in the open...

[hell0kitty]

They are right in the middle of a parenting eval with a court date looming in the future.  As soon as I read this, I was wondering if she was finally starting to work on her questionnaire.  I wanted to ask straight up what she was talking about as well, but wasn't sure we should engage. 

[Matt]

They are right in the middle of a parenting eval with a court date looming in the future.  As soon as I read this, I was wondering if she was finally starting to work on her questionnaire.  I wanted to ask straight up what she was talking about as well, but wasn't sure we should engage. 

Maybe best to talk to your lawyer first;  he may counsel you not to stir the pot at all.

I would certainly show it to the parenting evaluator, so she can draw her own conclusions from it.

[mamachelle]

BPDex emailed and said child 7 needs therapy due to having a new sibling (My child born 6 months ago)

Wait, isn't she due with a new sibling too? 

Let us know how it turns out...

mamachelle

[DreamGirl]

Keep the important parts and respond to them... cross out the "white noise":

BFofhell0kitty,

Domestic Violence is a pattern of behaviors including social, economic, emotional and psychological tactics, including manipulation intending to impact and control another person.
I understand you may not recognize these behaviors,
But that is the environment that CHILD was born into and continues to be exposed to on a regular basis. Therapists are mandated by law to maintain confidentiality.
Thank you for the options, I appreciate your mindfulness of our transportation needs
I will check into them.

Please reconsider my options as child severely needs this type of support.  

I can tell that CHILD is now being provided structure in your home, This is evident in less stressful transition from your home to mine.


thank you,
BPDex

This would be my response:

Ex,

I'm so glad to hear that the transition is less stressful.

Thank you for checking into the list of therapists, I will check into yours as well. I'm sure we can find a compromise after we both do research.  

-hell0kitty's BF


PTA mom is out. Do check her other references, since you can only expect what you're willing to give, and see what you think. You never know and at least you tried to work with her.  Make a fact-based decision based on your research of all the therapists on the table. Then you say "I'd prefer Dr. Huey who specializes in X, Y, Z"  or "I'd prefer Dr. Dewey who works a lot with children of divorce" or "I'd prefer Dr. Louie who was recommended by her pediatrician".

Don't play the game and don't engage in the DV nonsense. She's hyperfocused on it and the more you deny, the more she'll blame. He's already been vindicated by the court system, so he doesn't need to prove it anymore. She's getting a HUGE payoff (attention) by aligning herself as a victim of DV (from DV support, PTA parents, and your BF). Don't feed the beast. Pay it no attention.

-DreamGirl

[hell0kitty]

We did call/look into all of the therapists she recommended.  What I found really frightening was (aside from PTA mom) the other 3 from the DV support group, all popped up in google right away listed on pages about "The domestic violence machine" it is a page made for helping people who have been falsely accused of DV by their exes as a way to gain the upper hand in custody and divorce situations with the courts! The group was mentioned several times as working closely with a certain local attorney (who works in the same hood as BPDex) and this attorney was being brought up on charges for asking her clients to make DV claims in court and to start going to this particular group! 2 of the docs on BPD mom's list were specifically name checked all over the site.

Awesome. I put this on the parenting board because at first blush it didn't seem legal, it just seemed like a parenting thing, but how quickly it appears to be turning. Jeez Louise!

And yes, she is pregnant and newly married to someone she has now known for 7.5 months.

[Matt]

So if you have those names from her in writing, and you can also print out the information showing they are all involved in the "DV machine", I think that's pretty good information for you and your attorney, for now, and for the court when the time comes. 

It's pretty clear from this, and from her e-mail, that she is cooking up accusations - maybe best to blow the lid now before they are taken seriously.