BPD wife says NO... Buy It Or Not... Your Advice

[Think About It...]

  Okay,So BPD's need to control.! My wife will rarely go along with my plan to buy something
(fairly expensive,mostly for my use)unless,it's something that she wants. In this case it's a small
motorcycle to go to work and back.(2 miles).Wife has no interest in motorcycles so she says
It's a bad idea, your not a teen anymore..grow up!,you'll get tired of it!..ect...and the expected
if you do i'll divorce you threat. SO!..If were not supposed to enable our BP partners to violate
our boundrys  ? How have you handled purchases(plug in your own item) with your partner.
   What was the outcome?  Did it help them to eventually see you as a PERSON,and not merely
someone there to fulfill their needs and wants?

[dgr]

  Okay,So BPD's need to control.! My wife will rarely go along with my plan to buy something
(fairly expensive,mostly for my use)unless,it's something that she wants. In this case it's a small
motorcycle to go to work and back.(2 miles).Wife has no interest in motorcycles so she says
It's a bad idea, your not a teen anymore..grow up!,you'll get tired of it!..ect...and the expected
if you do i'll divorce you threat. SO!..If were not supposed to enable our BP partners to violate
our boundrys  ? How have you handled purchases(plug in your own item) with your partner.
   What was the outcome?  Did it help them to eventually see you as a PERSON,and not merely
someone there to fulfill their needs and wants?

[JoannaK]

Motorcycles are tricky things.  What other items has she given you grief about?  And, first of all, can you afford it?  Is she at all concerned about extra payments, insurance, etc.?  Is there something that you need for the house (furniture, a new car, etc.), and she is upset that you are getting the motorcycle and not paying other bills?

Is she afraid of the motorcycle?  My bf (not the BPD in my life) now has two motorcycles.  The first is a vintage (76) that he bought a couple of years ago.  He's put money into it, but the thing broke down at the end of last year's riding season.  He's got it in a shop and is waiting for an estimate for repairs.  He just bought a new one, and I must admit to having mixed feelings about it.  We've got a lot of bills that need to be paid every month and he was off of work due to medical issues for a few weeks back at the beginning of the year.  But he really, really loves riding a motorcycle, and I would rather have him riding a new safe one vs. the old one that was falling apart.  So I grudgingly agreed to the motorcycle.  Now that it's here I'm glad he's got it.  My concerns about the motorcycle are mostly based on fear.  They scare me.  If you get into an accident on a motorcycle, you are toast.  So I'm a nervous wreck whenever he takes it out for a ride.  We have made a deal that he will call me to check in every hour he is out (which usually means once during one of his rides) just so I don't go nuts over here worrying about him.  I will ride with him as long as it's a local ride.     

So... your wife may simply be fearful of you on a motorcycle.   If you have little kids, she may be afraid of you getting hurt or injured and then she would be solely responsible for the kids. 

The motorcycle issue may not be a BPD thing...  though telling you she is going to divorce you if you get one is pretty extreme. 

I almost think that you shouldn't get the cycle unless she agrees...  perhaps you can work on her little by little vs. just going out and buying the thing.  I think it depends on so many other things as I mentioned before... the whole state of your marriage and your financial situation.  When there is a family involved, buying a motorcycle isn't really an individual decision.   

[istayed]

Did it help them to eventually see you as a PERSON,and not merely someone there to fulfill their needs and wants?

LOL! In a word, NO!

All of JKs points are valid and need to be considered seriously. They scare me, too, and I even had a little Kawasaki 175 when I was young. If you really want the motorcycle, can you think of any possible benefits for her?

You'd save on gas?
You'd save on parking?
She'd be able to use your car?

When I wanted a digital camera last Christmas, I knew the only way I'd get it without a raging battle was to tell him how it would benefit HIM. I admitted that I really wanted it for my own personal use, but I said I'd use it for shooting some stuff he needed for his office.

I got it! But see me as a PERSON,and not merely someone there to fulfill their needs and wants?

Ha!

Good luck with the bike! 8) (Where's the helmet icon?)

spam

[been there]

   Hey guy,

   Going to play devils advocate here, but IMO, I see this a situation that would probably happen in a normal relationship, except for the divorce threat.

   Also, I am having trouble seeing it a boundary being crossed. Would your W be allowed to spend that amout of money on something for her, without you having a say?

   Remember boundaries are about what is and isn't acceptable to us, so her threat of divorce could be considered as crossing a boundary. Her not agreeing with the puschase of a motorcycle however, seems to be something that even non-BPD SO might do.

   Just giving you another side of the coin.

   Mark

[spouseofbp]

Wow JoannaK - wouldn't have guessed you are a "biker momma"!   

I have my own history on motorcycles, as a driver ran a stop sign some 27 years ago - I plowed into the car - I couldn't move for 2 weeks - chiropractor for next 2 years.

But I'm here today to talk about it!

So dgr:
I saw on the tube the other day a guru on "marriage & money"  About having a limit to spend personally, but on major expenses it should be joint decisions. 

I want a motorcycle too!  (how do I convince my hi-functioning, acting out, all-controlling BPD wife?)

Ha!  A fantasy for now...I think we have greater issues to address for the time being...

good luck!

[Silent Alarm]

My two cents on the issue, as an avid motorcyclist:

When I became involved with my exBPD girlfriend, she raised the concern over my motorcycling.  She was very concerned about me getting hurt and worried about it a lot.  It was something I had been doing for years, and it is a passion of mine.  However, she was able to convince me that, were we to get married and try having children, it would be best for me to give it up.  Foolishly, I agreed that when we got married I would give it up, for her peace of mind and the benefit of my family.  However, before we got married, I continued to ride as normal, even taking her with me from time to time.  She enjoyed the rides, but hated me going off without her.  If I took a motorcycle trip or went riding with a friend, she would end up in a rage.  How I didn't care about her, only cared about my hobby and having fun, how I was going to get killed, etc.  As our wedding date approached, she became absolutely gleeful about the impending demise of the motorcycle.  She was so happy that it was going to be sold, and it really started to bother me.  I didn't know what BPD was until over a year after I broke up with her, but now in retrospect I realize that there were a few things at play.

First, the motorcycling will be a super-trigger for any abandonment fear she might have.  The thought of you getting killed on a motorcycle will be terrifying to her, much more than it would be for a non-BPD, where that fear would already be substantial.  I'm sure most healthy women could put it in perspective, grit their teeth a little, and ask for a compromise like Joanna's regular phone calls.

Second, there is a control element.  This was my hobby, something that I derived pleasure from, which had nothing to do with her.  That was a problem.  Knowing that she could get me to give it up, and choose her over the motorcycling, was an ENORMOUS win for her.

Third, it enabled her to replace my hobby with hobbies that she enjoyed.  In our case, it was cottaging and snowmobiling with her family.

Getting rid of the motorcycle fulfilled her needs so tremendously that she couldn't hide the joy that she derived from the idea.  It was quite painful to see someone smiling, laughing, and virtually dancing at the prospect of me giving up one of my passions from which I derived so much joy and sense of self. 

That being said... it's a tricky one.  Most people are fearful of motorcycles and you have to give a lot of validation to people who say that it's dangerous.  It is.  But if it's important to you, you should also expect a partner who's willing to compromise with you on the issue somehow.

This also brings to mind a money-spending issue we had in our relationship.  A couple of months before our wedding I bought an expensive digital camera for myself (I am an avid photographer, and she knew I was looking at cameras).  When I went out and bought it without consulting with her, she absolutely flipped.  She raged that our marriage hadn't even started yet and I was already making major financial decisions without her.  To some extent, a fair point.  But she made a lot of decisions about spending for our house, which I paid for gladly without asking too many questions.  I think it was another control issue - she couldn't stand the fact that I could still make decisions without her.

I'm not sure what to advise you on this... I'm just telling you my story so that I guess it might help you separate what is normal from what is BPD-related behaviour.

[dgr]

Thanks for the great thoughtful answers to my question.(not the answers i hoped for.)
 I can see where the motorcyle part of the equasion would add extra problems.In answer
to a couple of question raised...I'm not rich but could afford one(tax return savings
ect.) and i would be happy to have her spend that much, (or any amount i could afford),
to get something for herself.My kids are grown,and i have a fat insurance policy for her should
i die...Well ,such good advice!...I think i'll leave it alone and battle for boundrys in other
ways.

[been there]

   Thanks for giving a little more information. I understand about boundaries, but to me this is still a very trickey one, but if I were in your shoes, there are some things I would do.

   Maybe you could take her to the bike shop with you, and have her be more a part of the whole process. There are shops around here, that rent bikes for the day or week end, this might be something you can try?

   Wishing you the best, Mark

[mr_anderson1]

As a long time biker (Ducati, 2 Honda's currenty) I highly recomend them. 2 wheeled thearapy. BUT! Get used to the fact that the only time you can use it without a major hastle is going back and forth to work, or doing some errants. I have MAJOR problems with me just going for a ride by myself for fun. But that's BPD isn't it?

 

[The Count Of Borderline]

My ex-BPD-GF forbid me from buying a motorcycle. But she was concerned about my safety. She just didnt want me getting hurt. I think that is a very legitimate fear and concern. And that will usually come up in any relationship. So I obliged and didnt bring it up anymore.

I think your best bet is to try to kindly get her approval some day but not push it. Try to convince her it's ok. Maybe take her to go look at some with you in the store. But if she still is against it's probably better to forget about it.

Besides what is going to happen if you do? So she might flip out the first time you bring it home... you might think... well Its worth it we'll get through it... so what happens if every single time she hears that thing start up and it shoots through her mind like an arrow and she rages and is upset...and holds it against you for the rest of your life... because it's always there as a reminder that you apparently dont care about her opinion? These are things to think about when living with a BPD person.