"My" little girl's story. Is there help for me raising the child of a BPD mother

[Think About It....]

I didn't have a parent with BPD so I cannot speak of the pain others may know well.  What I do have is a little girl who just turned 3 who, due to severe neglect, nearly starved to death in her mother's care. Starved of food, of love and of protection.  Her mother was / is so caught up in her own drama, creating it, nurturing it, and inventing it, that this little girl was forgotten.

After our divorce, my ex husband had a midlife crisis and hooked up with a 21 year old diagnosed BPD and had a child.  This woman had previously lost custody of two children because of her violent tendencies, drug and alcohol abuse, and parental neglect.  One child was left alone in a park at the age of two because her mother got high and forgot she brought her to a park, another was intentionally overfed shortly after birth because the mother was mad at the father for feeding him.  She accused him of not trusting that she would know if her son was hungry or not. She later, while that child went into near respiratory failure, threatened to throw the baby off a bridge if the estranged husband called children's services. 

This beautiful little girl and her younger brother were removed from their mother's care because she was leaving them alone in her car while she went into the bars and partied. (in the dead of winter no less)  She would leave them with strangers in crack houses while she got high.  She would leave them alone at home or with these strangers for days.  In the two years before children's services stepped in, this little girl lived in at least 14 different places.(gleamed from police incident reports involving her mother)  If children's services hadn't been called, my ex and I might never have found his daughter in time.

When we were finally allowed to bring her home with us she was:

Severly malnutritioned, below the 3rd percentile for both weight and height.
Lead poisoned. (When she first arrived she would eat more than an adult and still try to hide food for later.  She would literally try to eat anything she could get her hands on, food or non-food. (which I am sure contributed to her lead poisoning)
She had blood tinged discharge from her vaginal area, and adult sized stool.  (hummm, wonder what those strangers did to her?  When I took her to the pediatrician because to stools were making her bleed no matter what diet changes I made, he had to do a rectal exam.  All she said was "Please no, please no." in the most pitifull wimper I had ever heard.  Once he started the exam she went deadly silent, closed her eyes and put her thumb in her mouth.  (I nearly became ill.)
She was scared of all men.
If she thought she was in trouble, she would run and hide.  When we would find her (usually in a closet or under a bed) she would beg us not to hit her.  (she has many physical scars in addition to these mental scars)
When frustrated, initially, she would bite, hit, scratch, and throw objects at her half brother. 
She would hide my keys or shoes when I needed to go to work and cry hysterically for me not to leave her.
We are working with her on these behaviors and have made small steps of progress.  I just keep hoping and praying that with love and careful, gentle guidance, she will overcome what she has been through.

These are just a few of the many heartbreaking things I now know of someone who was being raised by a mother with BPD.

I cannot imagine what else could have been worse than continuing to live with someone who knows of their diagnosis (or not) and refuses to seek help.

"My" little girl's mother has avoided direct contact with her once children's services became involved.  She has refused to visit with the child to this day.  The only thing is that now, since I was awarded custody and the court declared that the mother had abandoned this child, she now stalks us ( Please see my post to unchosen ( How do I protect myself and my family...) .  She has never asked how this little girl is doing but somehow seems to blame us (my ex and I) for her "misfortunes". 

I am trying my best to help this little girl reclaim the childhood she was robbed of, and help her feel safe and loved.  Does anyone have any suggestions.

[Her Mama]

I didn't have a parent with BPD so I cannot speak of the pain others may know well.  What I do have is a little girl who just turned 3 who, due to severe neglect, nearly starved to death in her mother's care. Starved of food, of love and of protection.  Her mother was / is so caught up in her own drama, creating it, nurturing it, and inventing it, that this little girl was forgotten.

After our divorce, my ex husband had a midlife crisis and hooked up with a 21 year old diagnosed BPD and had a child.  This woman had previously lost custody of two children because of her violent tendencies, drug and alcohol abuse, and parental neglect.  One child was left alone in a park at the age of two because her mother got high and forgot she brought her to a park, another was intentionally overfed shortly after birth because the mother was mad at the father for feeding him.  She accused him of not trusting that she would know if her son was hungry or not. She later, while that child went into near respiratory failure, threatened to throw the baby off a bridge if the estranged husband called children's services. 

This beautiful little girl and her younger brother were removed from their mother's care because she was leaving them alone in her car while she went into the bars and partied. (in the dead of winter no less)  She would leave them with strangers in crack houses while she got high.  She would leave them alone at home or with these strangers for days.  In the two years before children's services stepped in, this little girl lived in at least 14 different places.(gleamed from police incident reports involving her mother)  If children's services hadn't been called, my ex and I might never have found his daughter in time.

When we were finally allowed to bring her home with us she was:

Severly malnutritioned, below the 3rd percentile for both weight and height.
Lead poisoned. (When she first arrived she would eat more than an adult and still try to hide food for later.  She would literally try to eat anything she could get her hands on, food or non-food. (which I am sure contributed to her lead poisoning)
She had blood tinged discharge from her vaginal area, and adult sized stool.  (hummm, wonder what those strangers did to her?  When I took her to the pediatrician because to stools were making her bleed no matter what diet changes I made, he had to do a rectal exam.  All she said was "Please no, please no." in the most pitifull wimper I had ever heard.  Once he started the exam she went deadly silent, closed her eyes and put her thumb in her mouth.  (I nearly became ill.)
She was scared of all men.
If she thought she was in trouble, she would run and hide.  When we would find her (usually in a closet or under a bed) she would beg us not to hit her.  (she has many physical scars in addition to these mental scars)
When frustrated, initially, she would bite, hit, scratch, and throw objects at her half brother. 
She would hide my keys or shoes when I needed to go to work and cry hysterically for me not to leave her.
We are working with her on these behaviors and have made small steps of progress.  I just keep hoping and praying that with love and careful, gentle guidance, she will overcome what she has been through.

These are just a few of the many heartbreaking things I now know of someone who was being raised by a mother with BPD.

I cannot imagine what else could have been worse than continuing to live with someone who knows of their diagnosis (or not) and refuses to seek help.

"My" little girl's mother has avoided direct contact with her once children's services became involved.  She has refused to visit with the child to this day.  The only thing is that now, since I was awarded custody and the court declared that the mother had abandoned this child, she now stalks us ( Please see my post to unchosen ( How do I protect myself and my family...) .  She has never asked how this little girl is doing but somehow seems to blame us (my ex and I) for her "misfortunes". 

I am trying my best to help this little girl reclaim the childhood she was robbed of, and help her feel safe and loved.  Does anyone have any suggestions.

[movinon]

Ks Step mom -

God this is absolutely HORRIBLE!  My heart breaks for that little girl, but there is some light.  She has you.  It sounds like she has been abused in every way possible. UNIMAGINABLE! :'( :'( :'( :'(

She will need LOTS of counseling - perhaps for the rest of her life.  If you can not afford this (or even if you can), I would go to a domestic violence center to get some one-on-one time for her and some information on tools that you can use to work with her.  It's going to be a tough road for you both ahead.

I know one thing children in general need is CONSISTANCY.  It sounds like it will be of the utmost importance for her to know that she will not be abandoned and this means letting her know where you will be going and when you will return (taking her with you wherever possible).

Anything you can do to make her feel safe would also be extremely helpful.  I would think (not knowing all the details) that having her "safe" at night would be EXTREMELY important as bad things probably happened to her mostly in the dark (does she have fear of the dark?)

I used to set up a "nest" for my daughter at the foot of my bed when I was trying to transition her out of bedsharing or for when she had nightmares. 

Also, make sure she has her own "space" and that people involved with her have to ask her permission to enter her space so she feels like she is starting to have some control over her environment.

As far as her being scared of men, I think that will just take time and consistancy.

As much as you can, I would not raise my voice at her AT ALL, but still use firm boundaries with her.  IT sounds like she was taught NOTHING except that the world is an unsafe place.

Be careful about the kids she is around as she probably has very limited social skills.  Monitor her interactions with them so she is not further abused by her peers - they likely won't understand her reactions.

I just keep hoping and praying that with love and careful, gentle guidance, she will overcome what she has been through.

She can.  You are a loving, caring person.

This will be a lot of work for you.  Make sure to get time for yourself to recharge your batteries.  Develop (if you don't already have) a support system that you can listen to you "dump" this.  Women's shelter's usually have meetings where the parents can go.

I wish you all the strength in the world.  Know that what you are doing for this little girl is miraclulous.

Movinon

[Arwen]

This is the most heartbreaking story I have heard in a long, long time. If ever. I am *so* sorry for your stepdaughter.  :'(

One thing that immediately struck me - if she has to go through any physical examination again, PLEASE insist on the doctors giving her an amnesia drug or put her out, so she doesn't have to go through this again. If there is suspicion of abuse and the girl is showing such signs of distress as you describe, I think the pediatrician was pretty ignorant to just go on. He's probably used to children crying and protesting medical treatment, but this is on a whole different level. And being a man on top of that - please find a femal pediatrician with experience with abuse victims. Otherwise, medical attention can cause new traumatic memories for her. I think you feeling sick was a good instinct - I'm sorry the doctor didn't have the same instinct.

Apart from that I have no real advice except *love her*. She'll need so much love and attention and reassurance to even begin to heal those wounds... And lots of therapy, at her own pace. I think finding great professionals to help you work on this is key. What kind of support system do you have now? It's going to be hard for your, too - make sure you take care of yourself and get some help to help her...

You didn't say it outright, but it sounds like you and your ex are back together again? How is he handling all of this?

Arwen

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Her Mama]

Thank you for your responses Movinon and Arwen.

I haven't found any counseling in our area so far that I think she is ready for.  Mostly because most of the counselors I have spoken with are men and I don't think she is ready for that.  It has taken nearly a year for her to freely show affection to her father.  (Her step father, the mother's husband, is an extremely racist and violent man.  He called her Nig*** so often that if she hears the N word, she responds as if it were her name.)

As far as her security issues, she is making some progress.  I have taken her to where I work and introduced her to my co workers and shown her around.  I changed my job and work schedule so that I only work on the weekends at night.  This way she is only with my ex husband (her father) on the weekends and with me through the week.  I took her to her father's work so she could see where he goes when he is away.  This really seems to have reduced her anxiety when I have to go somewhere.  In the last couple of weeks, she has begun to say to me, "When Daddy is at work you stay here with me and when you go to work Daddy stays here with me." 

She shares a room with my daughter to whom she has become very attached.  My daughter is nearly 14, usually makes straight A's, is into ton's of activities, and is amazing.  She always makes a point to include this child and my son in her busy schedule.  She will make "tent city" in the living room for my son and his sister.  She plays dress up, manicurist, art teacher, and jewelry maker with them.  I credit her for calming this childs night terrors.  My daughter will wake up when she hears the child crying and sings to her until she falls back to sleep.  Like I said, my daughter is amazing.

My parents have also treated her as their natural grandchild from day one.  They give her "retail therapy" which she seems to really enjoy.  They can't go a single day without coming over or talking to the kids on the phone.  My Dad comes over on Monday mornings (between when the kids father goes to work and I get home from work) and always brings her favorite donuts.

My ex husband is very supportive.  He still battles his own demons but is there for us on the weekends.  When I divorced him it was because he had begun to live the lifestyle that led him to hook up with this childs mother. (drugs, running around, and party party)  I did not divorce him because I didn't love him.  I just couldn't have that going on in our home.  I didn't want that influence in my children's lives. (two daughters from a previous marriage, and our son from this second marriage)  We are not together but he is now much more responsible in regards to what he exposes our children to.  He has his own room in the basement for when he stays on the weekends, and stays with his sister the rest of the time, seeing the kids as often as he can.  Since the child has been declared abandoned by her mother by the court, we are waiting for the year to be done (since contact by her mother) so I can adopt her.

Again, I appreciate your responses and am glad to recieve any information that will help "LIttle Bit"

[movinon]

Ks Step Mom -

I want to say again that what you and your family are doing for this child is truely amazing. 

The things that you all do for her brought tears to my eyes (especailly your 14 yo)

This restores my hope .

Movinon

[Arwen]

Your daughter is just amazing... what a caring, loving, unselfish teenager! Does she know how badly her little sister has been abused?

Could possibly the social workers who were involved with her placement with you, help with counselors?

Arwen

[Her Mama]

My daughter knows much of what has happened to "Little Bit" but not everything.  The social worker has said that if I need anything to let her know, but Little Bit's father is scared of involving them.  (He has had in the past some very bad experiences with children's services in his own youth and does not trust them.  He wouldn't let me discuss many of these issues with them for fear they would put her in foster care "If they think we can't handle it".

I've tried to pursuade him to let them help as they have programs for young children with Little Bit's particular concerns but he is just too scared to further involve them.

I guess all I can do is try to find help for her (when she is ready and feels secure enough) on my own.

[movinon]

K -

I understand about children's services.  They are in my experience no where near reliable.  I know you will do what's best for little bit (I like that name).

Movinon

[Her Mama]

I hope so.  There is one thing that frightens me though.  Little Bit hasn't mentioned her mother at all since she came to live with us.  I don't know if perhaps, because of all the times she was "dumped off" or left alone, that she never really bonded with her mother.  Maybe it is just too painful for her to think or talk about. 

One time, since she came to live with us, she had a melt down in reference to her mother.  We (Little Bit and my son) went to pick up my daughter from an after school activity and on the way home, and Little Bit asked where we were going.  My daughter said "We are going to mommy's house."  Little Bit became immediately hysterical and kept saying " No, no go to mommy's house, go to mama's house, go home to mama's house." (My kids have always called me mama and not mommy, but for some reason that day my daughter called me mommy.)  Since Little Bit was so used to hearing and therefore saying mama in reference to me, she must have thought we were taking her to her mommy's house.  We had to pull over so I could get into the back to hold her and reassure her that she was coming home with us.  This has been the only time since her arrival that she spoke of her mother.

Since she has made the distinction of who is mommy and who is mama, (and the melt down) I know she has memories of life with her mom.  I have wondered as to whether or not to talk to her about "mommy". 

I very well might have just waited for her to bring the subject up but lately (and with increasing frequency) her mother has been stalking us.  She has shown up at my work. (She never asks about Little Bit, just causes embarrassing problems)  She has sought out my ex's family members to put on a show of how much she "misses her baby".  She has been driving or parking on our street and watching the house.  I have spotted her at the grocery store and she will follow us around if Little Bit is with me, if not, she walks past me and mutters BS or brushes past me.  She has her friends call to harrass us. (again not ever asking about the child)  One time she did send someone to our home on the pretext of "making sure she is okay".  That person came up to the house, first looking in our windows before knocking on the door.  She then proceeded to insist I let her in to see that the child was okay.  (Even though we invited BPD mom's family member over the week before, the one who called children's services, so she could see that Little Bit was okay.)  She then started holding the screen door open while I kept trying to close it.  I then locked the main door and closed it behind me to keep her out.  Thank goodness my ex's sister (a rather large woman) showed up while this was going on and the mom's friend left. (right before the police showed up)

BPD mom up to this point has stayed out of the sight of Little Bit, but I'm afraid it is just a matter of time.  Like I said, BPD mom doesn't seem to be interested in seeing her daughter.  She has had vast opportunities to arrange it.  She obviously knows where we live and our phone number.  She has yet to ask my ex or me to see Little Bit and does not ask about her when we have made contact.  I try not to engage her as she has done all of this to her first husband after he recieved custody of their son, and it got ugly.  One of the times, when she showed up at my work I did ask why she was there and what she wanted from me.  Her only response was, "What is it like to steal someone's kid Bitc*?" in front of a lobby full of patients. (I'm a nurse in an ER) See what I mean by embarrassing?

Like I said it is only a matter of time before she either makes her presence known to Little Bit or it happen's by accident.  Do I try to bring up the subject or continue to wait for Little Bit to bring it up.  I don't want to pressure her but I also don't want her to be upset or afraid if she comes into contact with her mother.  I'm afraid that all of the progress we have made will be lost if this goes down the wrong way.  We do have a restraining order but the harrassment continues.  She has played this game for so long, she knows exactly what she can get away with and what will get her arrested.  (She also has a mother that will give her an alibi if she goes too far.)  The custody order is that we have full custody, mother has abandoned the child, and visitations are up to us.

Any suggestions? (Aside from moving to Alaska because I thought of that on my own.)

[Her Mama]

I had some news today.  I ran into a police officer that arrested BPD mom about two weeks ago.  He said she listed an out of state address, about 4 states away from here.  She is obviously not gone yet but that does give me some relief and hope that she might move away and spare her daughter. YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!

[movinon]

Ks- 

That's such good news!

About bringing up mom to little bit, I absolutely wouldn't.  I think it's too soon and should be handled by a counselor.  There is WAY too much abuse there to handle yourself.  IMO, just keep on keeping her safe and secure.

Movinon

P.s.  I hope you don't open the door for amy more of her wacky friends.  I'm sure they are just as messed up as she is.

[Arwen]

I had some news today.  I ran into a police officer that arrested BPD mom about two weeks ago.  He said she listed an out of state address, about 4 states away from here.  She is obviously not gone yet but that does give me some relief and hope that she might move away and spare her daughter. YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!

She may have done this to avoid accountability... What was she arrested for? Stalking you?

Arwen

[Her Mama]

No she wasn't arrested for stalking me, just for failure to appear for an accident she caused.

Bewildering news, BPD mom's lesbian lover's other lover told me that BPD mom is telling people that we have another court date this week and that she is has already gotten custody but at this hearing we are supposedly ordered to bring Little Bit and turn her over.  Funny.  We had the final custody hearing (to which she didn't show up for)  in January.  That was also the court date whern the judge declared Little Bit (and her brother) abandoned by her mother. Funny as well, I would think that the case worker (when I spoke to her last week) or some process server would have let us know something if we're supposed to be in court any time soon.

This person also informed me that BPD mom isn't moving to another state as BPD mom told the police officer, but just another city (only 20 miles away ).    BUMMER!

Just so you are not confused.

BPD mom is married but is CONSTANTLY on and off with him.   BPD mom also has female lover who would lick clean the hairs on BPD mom's butt if she asked her to.  When BPD mom is "on again" with the hubby,  Female lover has another lover who told me all of this tonight.

Jerry Springer anyone?

[Arwen]

Sounds like a great lifestyle... glad it's not including kids anymore! 

I'm not surprised at the stories - she's living in her own dramatic production and anything can happen in her own little universe.

We have just been told by SS that according to his BPDmom, his shirt had a hole in it because we had used scissors to destroy it (a shirt we bought!), the reason we bought a hybrid car was because it is quiet so hubby can spy on BPex, and she was hesitant to let him bring his game system to our house (a type we don't have) because we might destroy it on purporse - 'stomp it to pieces' I think the wording was.

Isn't it amazing all the anger and destructiveness *we* have in us?  /:) It's just recipe externalizing of anger...

[movinon]

Arwen -

Okay, that's just stupid.  I mean, it really sounds idiotic.  I wonder BPDmom realizes that.

Movinon

[Her Mama]

I called the case worker this morning when I got home from work. (you know even when you hear the most ridiculous story, there is the 5% of your emotional side that will nag at you out of fear of loss).  Case worker confirmed that BPD mom was in Oklahoma Jan - beginning of March, (which explains the lack of police reports for that time frame as she averages 3 per month, and, why the stalking started around the time she got back).  Apparently at least that part was true, but, when I told the case worker about the supposed court hearing where we were supposed to turn over Little Bit, I thought she would not quit laughing. 

Before I even asked the questions, I prefaced it with "I'm about to ask you the most rediculous questions anyone will probably ask, but here goes..."  After she was able to catch her breath after laughing so hard, she said, in a kind of stunned way, "Not to my knowledge, in this particular incarnation, on this planet."  (I really like this case worker.)   8)

Hope everyone has as a Happy Monday!

[Her Mama]

I called the case worker this morning when I got home from work. (you know even when you hear the most ridiculous story, there is the 5% of your emotional side that will nag at you out of fear of loss).  Case worker confirmed that BPD mom was in Oklahoma Jan - beginning of March, (which explains the lack of police reports for that time frame as she averages 3 per month, and, why the stalking started around the time she got back).  Apparently at least that part was true, but, when I told the case worker about the supposed court hearing where we were supposed to turn over Little Bit, I thought she would not quit laughing. 

Before I even asked the questions, I prefaced it with "I'm about to ask you the most rediculous questions anyone will probably ask, but here goes..."  After she was able to catch her breath after laughing so hard, she said, in a kind of stunned way, "Not to my knowledge, in this particular incarnation, on this planet."  (I really like this case worker.)   8)

Hope everyone has as  Happy of a Monday!
[/quote]

[Her Mama]

 

[Special thanks to our sponsors!]

Special thanks to our sponsors! Keeping us on the air in 2013 Pay it forward Here
	123Phoebe 1989 1bravegirl 20years 23tesla 5keepers Alastor alf aluminumRob Amber3 ambi AmericanTemplar an0ught Arecibo armsreach Arthur artman.1 At_Bay Auspicious aussie mumma Aussieman babyducks Bananas bb12 beachgirl009 BeenReplaced BeenThereB4 BehindTheWall Being Mindful Belka berry Blazing Star BlueTiffany BradyK briefcase cal644 CalledaPerson Cannon captain4464 cbas cfh charred chayka Chosen Cici cindyr cleotokos Cmjo CodependentHusband ComoLu ComplexOpus Conundrum coworkerfriend Cumulus dauada David Dare daze deelee950 dharmagems Dire Wolf dusk eac elessar eniale Exonerated eyvindr faithfull fakename findingmyselfagain Firequelcher flatspin Forgetmenot Free One freshlySane fromheeltoheal Gbirdmom GeekyGirl goldylamont goodguy gottafixit Grammy17201 griz GustheDog Healing4Ever heartandwhole Her Mother heronbird heyhey hijodeganas hithere hopeforhealing How do I do This? HowPredictable Hunter56 Hurt llama Hurtbad Inspirationneeded isshebpd Jai Yen jalbright jaleo2000 jargon337 jb1 jessienbp JetsFan joanlee johnnyonthespot jordana418 Joseph54 just me. Kate4queen keepwalking keldubs78 kellygirl601 Kelsie Kewahkah kimberlysc knowing laelle lbjnltx Leaf livefreebpdfamily loved_her? LoveNotWar LP luckyduck LuckyEscapee LuvMontana Major_Dad mamachelle MammaMia mango_flower maria1 maryy16 meditator Memorial Donation (11) mggt michaelwriting midori0 Mightyhammers Millie12 MomsBestFriendNoMore Moorpark Mountaineagle mp2? Mr Mom... mymiracles MySanctuary Nelson1962 newlyhopeful nomoredrama71 nonhere NorthernGirl nothinleft NotTheMama NYCgirl NY-LON Odysseus. Oldsoldier2411 OnceConfused ontherox opheliasmom Orange patientandclear Patty peaceplease peppie Phoenix.Rising pinkpeony PrettyPlease Pugman Rapt Reader really refuge rethinking RiseUp rj47 Robhart rockman Rocky777 Rockylove rogerroger rollercoaster24 Rose1 Sabine saddle_tramp SadWifeofBPD SailMonkey salvia Sancho scallops Scarlet Phoenix schwing scraps66 screechowl seahorse Seb sfgirl skinny13 somuchlove southernsis splitinga still around strangerinparadise StrongEnough struggli stupafly Sullyone Surnia susanleona swampped T. Moore tailspin Take2 Tess Russell Thursday TigerEye Tippy toliveistofly Tracy62 Triptoes tryingtohelp tuum est61 twojaybirds upsidedown VeryScared vfsdan Vindi vivekananda waitaminute WalrusGumboot Want2know watersedge waverider wee_one whatshappening whiletheseasonspass whirlpoollife whitemouse Wimowe winston72 wishingwell17 withBPD WorkingOnIt worn_out WrongWoman wuzdownandgetnbetter yamada yeeter
	If you made a donation and your name does not appear on this list or here , please contact us so that we can confirm that the payment was properly credited to BPDFamily.
	Pay it forward Here