treating me like a dog - have to respond correctly

[Think About It...]

All week my wife & stepdaughter were gone on cruise.  Unreachable except by email - and text just the first 2 days.

When I dropped them off at the airport it was all hugs & kisses, missing each other already.  I sent her an email & talked all good things, love, missing them etc.

Day 1, 2, 3 & 4 after she left was wonderful.  She would text me, tell me how much she loves me & misses me, how I should be there with them (she booked the trip when we were on "outs"...her normal, to do things w/o even telling me...as she puts it, "why should I, we're separated?")

Day 4 - playful loving emails...then I casually mentioned an infomercial I saw for some exercise ball, & said, "don't you have one of those somewhere?"  BIG MISTAKE!

Next day she replied, "not sure why this ball thing is a concern.  don't know where mine is as i never opened it so it would be best to go get one for yourself!"  CAN you believe she's in tropical paradise on a cruise ship, and can't resist an opportunity to start a fight?

I just replied, "no concern at all about ball...just asked"  embedded between more loving statements, hope they're having fun, etc.

She replied, "not sure why this ball is so imp even to talk about it and email when rates are so outrageous--think there are more imp things to talk about than a ball with those prices.  only thing can think of is that i know it was somewhere in the basement and you eyed it while snooping around.  as i said, go get your own."

ooh buoy...I replied, "no snooping dear.  this is time to trust.  sorry I even mentioned it.  really.  HAVE FUN !"

and her 'last word', "we will talk about it when i return.  as you know, i will know if you have been snooping.  yes, we are having fun and am sure not missing this bs arguing.  signing off, have a nice day."

She was gone already, but I replied, "wow - what did I do wrong? no argue from me...bye for now."

So is it as evident to you as it is to me here?  Did her disorder just "kick in" or what? 

No contact daY 6 at all.  I felt the loathing from her, even tho' she's a thousand miles away.  I pick them up tomorrow night.  I've felt anxiety all day.  I got to keep telling myself, this is HER problem, not mine. 

[spouseofbp]

All week my wife & stepdaughter were gone on cruise.  Unreachable except by email - and text just the first 2 days.

When I dropped them off at the airport it was all hugs & kisses, missing each other already.  I sent her an email & talked all good things, love, missing them etc.

Day 1, 2, 3 & 4 after she left was wonderful.  She would text me, tell me how much she loves me & misses me, how I should be there with them (she booked the trip when we were on "outs"...her normal, to do things w/o even telling me...as she puts it, "why should I, we're separated?")

Day 4 - playful loving emails...then I casually mentioned an infomercial I saw for some exercise ball, & said, "don't you have one of those somewhere?"  BIG MISTAKE!

Next day she replied, "not sure why this ball thing is a concern.  don't know where mine is as i never opened it so it would be best to go get one for yourself!"  CAN you believe she's in tropical paradise on a cruise ship, and can't resist an opportunity to start a fight?

I just replied, "no concern at all about ball...just asked"  embedded between more loving statements, hope they're having fun, etc.

She replied, "not sure why this ball is so imp even to talk about it and email when rates are so outrageous--think there are more imp things to talk about than a ball with those prices.  only thing can think of is that i know it was somewhere in the basement and you eyed it while snooping around.  as i said, go get your own."

ooh buoy...I replied, "no snooping dear.  this is time to trust.  sorry I even mentioned it.  really.  HAVE FUN !"

and her 'last word', "we will talk about it when i return.  as you know, i will know if you have been snooping.  yes, we are having fun and am sure not missing this bs arguing.  signing off, have a nice day."

She was gone already, but I replied, "wow - what did I do wrong? no argue from me...bye for now."

So is it as evident to you as it is to me here?  Did her disorder just "kick in" or what? 

No contact daY 6 at all.  I felt the loathing from her, even tho' she's a thousand miles away.  I pick them up tomorrow night.  I've felt anxiety all day.  I got to keep telling myself, this is HER problem, not mine. 

[JoannaK]

spouse, every time things are "good", we foolishly think they will stay that way, and we feel stress and anxiety when we have inklings that it's all going to go bad again.  I remember those days well.

Just see what happens when you pick them up.  But, I must say, the stuff you describe sucks.  It would make me long for my own apartment so I don't have to dance on the puppetmaster's string any more.

Even if she is all hearts and flowers tomorrow, you know it's only a matter of time before she "goes bad" again... In the meantime, you will keep walking on those eggshells trying to avoid anything that might possibly trigger her.  It sucks.  Hopefully she will go back to that therapist, but what happens if she won't go? 

[spouseofbp]

At this moment I am sitting at my office, 8:30pm Saturday night.  My wife got home from a week-long cruise with her daughter over 2 hours ago.  I have not seen them.  The original plans were for me to pick them up - she called me from her transfer city & said her mom was going to pick them up instead.

I smelled BPD coming - but said "fine", can't wait to see them, and I'll see them when they get home.  Then she said, "I was hoping I could have some space"   "oh" 

So after 7 days of "space" in the tropics, she needs more!  She cancelled our plans for me to pick them up, and asked me to stay away until she calls.  "I did not sleep well last night"

This is ridiculous.  I just want to be the husband that is waiting for them, after missing them so much, and give them a welcome home hug.

I think she's still bent because I asked her about an 'exercise ball'.   

And I'm waiting for her call, like an enabling fool.  She will change any and all plans at the last minute, just to be controlling, to create more chaos for me & her family & friends (those that are left). 

What about my feelings?  Can she even have a little compassion for how I can feel hurt? - after I spent the last 2 days cleaning the house, doing yardwork, taking care of 4 dogs...!#$%@&#!.   I am not as important as her dogs.  And as long as I take this crap, I am a dog.

So I'm here for a breath of reality.  An appropriate response, or non-response, would be appreciated.  Thanks

ps.  2nd appt w/T on Monday.  I am bringing transcript of these emails to talk about in the "safe zone"  I also want to ask her point blank - "why I could not have stayed at home to greet them when they arrived?"  Complete BS.  Maybe she fell in love on the cruise  - hope so?  No, that would make my life too easy.  She needs me to project upon, to make me feel "less than" by her friggin controlling & manipulating.

Kinda soured my "lovin & missin" feelings I had for her the past week.   ;==

[spouseofbp]

Gosh Joanna, I should have known to count on you - on a Saturday night you still have the "watchful eye" on us.  Utmost respect for you.  Thanks.

Monday at the T will be the decision day, I feel. 

One good thing I've been doing all day is trying to affirm to myself - "this is her, not me.  I am strong & will be happy with or without her.  This is the disorder acting out."

It's hard - like breaking a bad habit.  And my bad habit is the anxiety feelings I get when she treats me like a child, and restricts my behavior by this controlling bs.  She says she wants to be a family, be equal etc.  But Mrs. Hyde thinks much differently.

So my affirmations have been a struggle.  I still feel drawn to try & please her, to submit to her wishes without questioning them.  Because when I question her, I get abused.

[spouseofbp]

3 hours and no call yet.  All my stuff is there - I have no where else to sleep - and what if she doesn't call?

Do I enter after 10pm,  at risk of triggering a rage because I "went against her wishes!"  (heard that plenty times before)  Do I risk her having the doors bolted (twice before) after I've stayed as the caretaker all week?

Does she really think I am so nimble, that I could have other places to sleep at the last minute? 

[At_Bay]

You have a right to be angry yourself, at her. Whenever you asked her a question you had to hope she could interpret why you asked. I'm telling you, asking my husband a question has preceded so much crap you wouldn't believe it. The only thing you could have done, maybe, was tell you to forget you asked. Then say you were just making conversation. Change subject and don't go back. It is just futile and they wallow in some imagined slight is my vivid experience. Awful!

I'd tell her things didn't occur as you expected and now you've got a delimma and would like some input from her. You did her a favor and ask if you could ask one in return. Otherwise, you need your things to go to a hotel. I thought the apt. switch was timed so you'd not be without one. I probably misunderstood. She's acting in a way that says you are not close and she eventually points that out in one way or another. I'd tell her you get the message, so maybe she doesn't have to continue trying to show you tonight when you need a place to stay. I'd just say-- Here's the deal-- you can have your space, I have, however, misjudged what I'd be doing when you returned. Give me a lititle help because I helped you if for no other reason. Best you can do is be matter of fact because that is what she is doing until you get the message it looks like. It is BP response to an emotional opportunity -- homecoming. They have a huge problem with that before you've said anything. Soon as you open your mouth over ANYTHING, wam!  I've been so upset at times behavior would seem to be dictated by circumstances. Don't be surprised at anything.

I hope you have a hotel room nearby that can be rented by week or month just in case. I'm sorry her return was more of the same. These are different relationships and I've had so many things happen around trips. It is almost 100% predictable, at least in my experience. Ride it out the best you can and be just as indifferent as she is until it passes and "homecoming" is over. She isn't well as you know, echoing what JoannaK said.

At Bay

[spouseofbp]

Gee thanks At Bay - for your wisdom based on experience.  She just texted me & said, "I'm taking a shower - You staying here tonight?"

I called her, said, "yes.  I have no where else.  I'd appreciate it."

I liked your phraseology and am role-playing it now...Thanks!

[At_Bay]

Sounds good.

At Bay

[Oy-vey!]

As I have read through the drama of this, I've notieced that she gets everything she wants while you get nothing that you want.  What in heaven's name are you getting from this relationship?  What is it that she does for you that is so worth you wasting your time with her?

I'm reminded of a book that made the best-seller list for a while.  It was written for women who are trying to figure out their relationships - so put the foo on the other $hit for a moment.  The titlle is "He's Just Not That Into You."  Change the gender and the book is about your life from what you've described throughout this episode of the BPD in your life.

She really is not that into you.  I hope you're able to help yourself through this and are able to get some help from the therapist in figuring out how to get your needs met without her in your life.

[Gecko]

Hi Spouse,

This is breaking my heart. I know what it's like to be in the middle of OZ. You're not thinking straight. This may be blunt...

This is ridiculous.  I just want to be the husband that is waiting for them, after missing them so much, and give them a welcome home hug.

What you want and what you're going to get are two different realities. You need to accept that this will never happen unless she admits to her issues and gets therapy...for a long time.

What about my feelings?  Can she even have a little compassion for how I can feel hurt?

NO..Evidentally she can't. She's mentally ill and not able to.

Kinda soured my "lovin & missin" feelings I had for her the past week.   

Good. Now you're getting to the point where you'll start realizing just how enabling this is.

Don't you wish you had taken that apartment now?

Spouse, please do what's best for you. When you need to make a decision don't count on her to empathize. But you do need to count on you to do what's right for you. You don't have anywhere to sleep. She must be REELING in the power surge she has over you. The angrier you begin to get, the more you're going to start realizing that if you want to commit to this woman it will have to be on your terms. You need to have your own space to feel safe. Stop giving her what she wants..she'll just keep taking more. She can't help it...she's ill. But that doesn't mean you lay down like a good dog and take it.

Sorry if that seems blunt. I do feel for what you're going through. Please, please take care of you first. Protect yourself. You don't deserve this treatment, but you are allowing it.

Keep us updated. There's alot of people here for you.

Gecko

[izzymae]

Hey spouse,

I'm so sorry that the rapids have shown up and you are holding on for dear life...these relationships with BPs are nuts aren't they? When do you go to T again? I'd like to keep up with you on that...I start T on Tuesday...

I really think you should find a good place to live ASAP...Maybe even a good roomie situation would be beneficial...one where you have your own private space but you aren't necessarily alone...you never know, it might help to have someone around, esp. if you end up being able to be friends with them...just a thought ...that has helped me.

I just want you to have a safe place that you can go to...don't trust that you can stay at her place anymore...take care of yourself...thinking of you...izzy

[spouseofbp]

 :-*
 
 
 :-\
 
 ?
 :-X
 
  :'(

[spouseofbp]

Last post of emoticons was a mistake, but now that I looked at it, is the range of emotions I've felt since my last post.

She called me last night, I went over, she had just gotten out of the shower & I was going to take one.  We hugged, she seemed happy - & she said, "have a glass of wine with me first before your shower"

I went great for about an hour.  Talking, laughing, being best of friends, respecting each other.  More wine, then Kahlua.  I went & took shower.  WHY DIDN'T I JUST CRAWL INTO BED AFTER THAT? 

[spouseofbp]

...instead went back downstairs with her for her usual "I'm having a drink & a cigarette & going to bed - are you coming with?"  ...and usually I do, because she whines if I don't. 

(around 12:30 am) Well this time out of the blue she becomes the prosecuting attorney in a courtroom, and me the defendant.  "You were on my computer, weren't you?"  No dear, I was not.  Please let's not go here... 

"you snooped thru my closet, didnt you?"  No dear, I hung 2 pair of pants there, that's all. "you're lying again"  what makes you say that?  "it doesn't matter!"

This paranoia went now, "I placed something a certain way in the nightstand and it's moved - did you get in there?"   No dear.  "Your lying, you're digging yourself deeper!  I'm going to my bed, and you are not sleeping there.  Furthermore this will be your last night in my house!"

I tried to calm her down - get back on track.  She was mad & there was no more discussion.  That is like trying to move a stubborn mule.  I felt terrible - 7 days apart & I'm exiled to the $%&#! guestroom.  This was AFTER I took a Levitra an hour earlier when she was all lovey dovey - and she told me to take it!   I said "please" let's sleep together - I won't touch you.  Other couples sleep in the same bed, even if they're mad"

No.

It was a terrible night.  At 8:30 I crawled in with her - she said "what are you doing?" and rolled over - & after about 5 minutes she was up & out.  I finally slept for an hour.

After I got up, I felt relaxed & hopeful to talk with her, start afresh.  Nothing doing.  Playing "haven't got time for the pain" as loud as her stereo can go, ignoring me, telling me to get my things & go...sarcastic slamming, sarcastic laughing, ignoring my attempts to talk...I finally lost it & called her a "btch"

It turned ugly.  Verbal abuse flying both ways.  I thought I was doing so good for a long time - biting my tongue etc. --- I took a few steps backward this morning.   She was stabbing me verbally - then the next breath call a girlfriend on the phone laughing, like life is great! 

Even showed her cover of SWOE Workbook ( I know it wouldn't have helped but I was so upset) - as she turned away.  Told her she needed medication. She said in tomorrow's T session she will tell her all about it, and that she is done.

I started gathering my clothes & taking them down to my truck...she got fed up & said "I'm locking the doors, if you need anything else you can call the sheriff"  and she locked the doors.  !#$%&#!  I felt rage inside me, but kept from acting on it - I just was trying to get her to talk.  So on the other side of the storm door she got out her phone & said, "I'm calling 911 now"  (and believe me she is a cop-caller)

Don't know what appt w/ T will bring tomorrow morning.  Wife said she's cancelling Thurs appt. "because I have this thing called a J.O.B."   Typical

I turned away & left.  Must sign lease tomorrow.  Must get away from this toxic relationship.  I cannot survive on these eggshells, of 911 threats, controlling dictator policies, excessive punishment & put downs.   

I told her I "pity the next poor man" 

"oh don't worry there'll be one!  And we'll have a blast!"

"I'll feel sorry for him"


I guess I should check out the "s & d" section of BPDFamily.  Sht.

[Oy-vey!]

I'm so glad you are finally hearing her words - she doesn't want you.  Listen to those words over and over again.  Take care of yourself first and foremost - stop deluding yourself that she loves you - just take care of you.

So sorry it ended the way it did, but maybe that's what you needed in order to hear her.

[At_Bay]

You didn't do anything wrong. Didn't say anything wrong. You were just talking to the wrong person. It was all right to go downstairs. All right to tell her the truth that you didn't move her things around. All right for you to get upset. Those are all normal reactions to what was happening. Don't doubt yourself because you are not the problem. You're just doing this with the wrong person at the wrong time. Call it a washout due to her unstable behavior. You're not the unstable one! She likes to be the victim and replay those feelings, it looks like to me. You appear to be somebody for her to fight with. What you described- come drink wine- no, go away because you're mean, is not likely to change for a very long time if at all. How many different ways do you want to replay this scene and be in pain? There are attractive, decent, kind, stable women out there looking to run into men like you. My son found one after breaking an engagement (mutually), with a girl who felt superior to him and told him so. Don't need that.

Look forward to helping someone out and they do return with anticipation and pleasure to see you again. That's a lot better than having the police called on you through no fault of your own. That script was written without your consent and not for the last time either. There is nothing you can do or should have done differently.

She let you housesit-- encouraged you. I'm sure it was a difficult night and you were put in that position at her request. Not very nice on her part to yank you around like that. Please make it be the last time. She cannot be believed. If you are sorry she is ill, then just be her friend. Find love someplace where you have a chance. I'm sorry to say that. Take care.

At Bay

[spouseofbp]

Oy-vey & At Bay, you are wonderful.

All I need to do is look at your # of posts to realize you have much more experience & wisdom about the land of Oz than I do. 

I take your words to heart.  Going now to make dinner for a husband & wife friend of mine (one of my wife's former friends that we use to double date with)

Thank you, thank you.  Tho' I'm not in a hurry to meet someone else, I know they're out there.  Nice people.  I've known them before. 

Keep busy.  Keep posting.  Keep the "bad" fresh in my mind, to prevent me from any "re-engagements" in the future.

[At_Bay]

Sounds like good plans.

At Bay

[The Count Of Borderline]

I'm not going to offer anything except to let you know you had another listening ear and the comfort of knowing that others are behind you.

I was reading all this and how it played out and you know it reminds me of how it's like it's just enevable to go bad. As usual no combination of anything can keep that from happening. I felt a lot of empathy and your anxiety for you as I read it unfold.

[LeftCoastMark]

I had a similar situation as yours with my xbpgf.

My opinion is that your homelessness is all about control for her. 

You are playing your part in her drama to perfection. You are giving her full control. You are trying to be good enough, wonderful enough, and loving enough to win her back, caught in a limbo of your own choosing. But you're on a slippery slope, and the downhill slide will probably continue until you strike bottom. Think California mudslide.

Right now, it sounds to me like you are on the cusp of a restraining order or worse, a domestic violence charge.

You will never be good enough, loving enough, loyal enough. You are being split blacker and blacker, with fewer and shorter periods of white in between. It is probably no fault of yours, it's just the nature of her mental illness. But you are enabling the situation.

You have no choice but to take control of your own life. This will have the short-term consequence of triggering her abandonment fears, and you'll be re-engaged for a while, which will seem wonderful to you, but hell will follow.

Save yourself.