I cracked and she left (with other man right now)

[Think About It...]

We've been together for 10 years, and married for seven. I truly believe that we were supposed to be together - I have as much love and patience as she has issues.

But she started talking to someone three weeks ago, I feel like she was baiting me to get angry. And I took the bait. She said she wanted to move out (to ger girlfiends house, not the case), and I said that would be a  great idea. 3 days later I found out she had title loaned the car, and I called her and told her it was over I was so mad. That pushed her all the way into this other guy's arms.

It's been 1-1/2 weeks sice she moved out, and she calls at least twice a day, telling me how perfect he is and how happy she is with him. It's so hard. She's told me that they've been shopping for rings, trying to decide which tropical island to get married on (we are not divorced), and that "he is already giving up so much for her" - she says he is selling his Mustang Cobra so that they will have a downpayment for a house.

She tells me she still loves me so much, and I know I hurt her really bad (so imagine what it must have been like for her) after she left by telling her how much better things were this way, and that we were never getting back together. I feel like I was posessed when I did that to her. I was so mad and hurt, but maybe I deserved it. I hurt her first when I told her it would be good if she left.

In the last couple of days I've realized that I haven't understood her like I should have. I knew she was BPD years ago, but I never learned how to deal with it. I put everything on her to fix herself, and never expected any change out of me. I never tried to see the world through her eyes.

I've ordered Walking on Eggshells and the Workbook, because I keep telling myself that maybe if I learn how to communicate with her, how to understand her, she will come back home. I don't know if I'm crazy or what.

Please tell me one thing if nothing else: what do I say to her on the phone when she calls? I can't take hearing all the whirlwind romance stuff about the other guy, it's like she's getting her excitement from him and calling me for her stability. Like she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

Should I just cut it off and tell her to just let me know about what she wants to do with the kids and that's it, goodbye? Or should I keep listeing to her? I keep reading about how they forget how much they love someone after they are apart, and that really worries me. This week and a half is the longest we've been apart in ten years.

Please help me.

[manaburrn]

We've been together for 10 years, and married for seven. I truly believe that we were supposed to be together - I have as much love and patience as she has issues.

But she started talking to someone three weeks ago, I feel like she was baiting me to get angry. And I took the bait. She said she wanted to move out (to ger girlfiends house, not the case), and I said that would be a  great idea. 3 days later I found out she had title loaned the car, and I called her and told her it was over I was so mad. That pushed her all the way into this other guy's arms.

It's been 1-1/2 weeks sice she moved out, and she calls at least twice a day, telling me how perfect he is and how happy she is with him. It's so hard. She's told me that they've been shopping for rings, trying to decide which tropical island to get married on (we are not divorced), and that "he is already giving up so much for her" - she says he is selling his Mustang Cobra so that they will have a downpayment for a house.

She tells me she still loves me so much, and I know I hurt her really bad (so imagine what it must have been like for her) after she left by telling her how much better things were this way, and that we were never getting back together. I feel like I was posessed when I did that to her. I was so mad and hurt, but maybe I deserved it. I hurt her first when I told her it would be good if she left.

In the last couple of days I've realized that I haven't understood her like I should have. I knew she was BPD years ago, but I never learned how to deal with it. I put everything on her to fix herself, and never expected any change out of me. I never tried to see the world through her eyes.

I've ordered Walking on Eggshells and the Workbook, because I keep telling myself that maybe if I learn how to communicate with her, how to understand her, she will come back home. I don't know if I'm crazy or what.

Please tell me one thing if nothing else: what do I say to her on the phone when she calls? I can't take hearing all the whirlwind romance stuff about the other guy, it's like she's getting her excitement from him and calling me for her stability. Like she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

Should I just cut it off and tell her to just let me know about what she wants to do with the kids and that's it, goodbye? Or should I keep listeing to her? I keep reading about how they forget how much they love someone after they are apart, and that really worries me. This week and a half is the longest we've been apart in ten years.

Please help me.

[garyw]

Hi mana

First welcome to BPDFamily.

Second I'm sorry for what you are going through right now.

Third...you are taking far way too much responcibility for what has just happened.You are taking resposibility for her mental illness and the things that it causes to happen.

This mental illness has a life of its own and will live it left untreated and nothing you could have done would have prevented that ok?...nothin.

What you must do even during this pain is get an attourny to protect yourself and second...as hard as it may seem to do...go into No Contact with her as much as you can.

These phone calls will drive you crazy and when you think about it they6 are very childish aren't they.

Hold this close to yourself...she is not happy and is not going to walk off into the sunset with anyone as long as she is left untreated...not gonna happen. It really scientifically can't happen.

Are there any kids involved?

[Caribou]

manaburrn-

I am sorry to hear what you are going through.  I have been in the position where my separated wife was telling me how great her new lover is and I know how that plays with your head.  It is one of the worst tortures I have experienced.

We have a mantra at BPDFamily that I think would be helpful for you to take to heart: I did not CAUSE the disorder, I cannot CONTROL it, nor can I CURE it.  Like gary said, you are taking on way more responsibility for what was going on then what is warranted.

I couldn't tell if you are to the point where you want the marriage to be over or not.  If you don't, you might tell her that you are willing to talk to her about your relationship and work on getting back on track but if the conversation turns to the topic of her new lover, you will hang up or leave.  If you are ready for it to be over, again I am with gary, no contact is the way to go.

In any case, I would talk to an attorney immediately and take steps to protect children if any are involved.

Welcome to BPDFamily.  Sorry it is under these circumstances.

Caribou

[JoannaK]

Mana, in any divorce or separation, we must put the needs of our children ahead of any of our need to be or not be with our partner.  You mentioned the children almost as an afterthought.  Did she take the kids with her?  Do you have access to them?  If she did, why do you think that your children are in a good environment if your wife is bouncing around from one man to another?

About the BPD:  Unfortunately many people feel as you did when they discover that their spouse has BPD:  Aha!  Now I know how I can "fix" her and "fix" this and be a better partner.  But it doesn't work that way.  People unrecovered with BPD simply do not have the emotional capacity to be in a decent relationships no matter what we do or don't do.  Everybody here has discovered this the hard way.  They must get effective therapy, and we must erect boundaries.  If they don't deal with their BPD, the relationship is doomed even if you stay with the person until one or the other drops dead.  Do you understand that?  Unless the person with BPD is treated, and the non learns boundaries (meaning not allowing b.s. in his/her life), the relationship is doomed. 

Read Caribou's post again and again.  Please protect your children and stop beating yourself over the head.

And the "soulmate" and "we were meant for each other" stuff is very prevalent here.  Those with BPD usually use that kind of talk as a "hook", and, for whatever reason, the nons want to believe it.  If you really were meant for each other, she wouldn't be with some other guy right now (probably telling him the same b.s.).  Don't worry; he's not prince charming.  She's got BPD and she's got the poor sap on the pedestal right now, just as she had you on the pedestal in the beginning.  He will fall off, just as you did,  not because of anything that he did or didn't do, but because she does not have the emotional capacity to be in a healthy, long term relationship. 

If she has BPD, mana, she's mentally ill.  You can't have a decent relationship with someone with a mental illness that is untreated and that shows its full color in intimate relationships.

[russellc]

Hi Mana,

I'm going through something very similar right now.  I know now my wife has been baiting me for the better part of a year to get me to be mad and jealous and thus make her exit easier.  My wife is still in the house and though there is another man that she seems to have replaced me for the stability part(good friend who she wants to seduce but he does not supposedly) I don't think there is for the physical part. 

Regardless, I would say that you have to follow the advice above and first and formost look out for the kids (You tell her what is going to happen with the Kids not the other way around and have a good attorney ready when you do).  Second, protect yourself, she is obviously messing with your mind so cut her off and if possible start distracting yourself.  Throw yourself into your kids and your work.  Get your head right and start working on life without her. 

If she comes back and agrees to get help like the others said then cross that bridge when you get to it.  What I have come to understand about my relationship and many of the others on this board is just how addicted to our SO's many of us are.  They are like a drug but just like drugs you know there will be a price to pay and withdrawls will suck.  Sorry I don't have better things to say, especially since my relationship is on life support.  I have gotten to the point that I will be able to deal with all eventualities though and that really helps you get moving.

[Ave Marina]

Hey Mana,
After reading your post, I felt a need to reply. First of all she says she's with this other man. Do you have absolute proof that she is actually with "the other man," or is he just a fabrication. She may very well be staying with a girlfriend. It sounds to me like she is pulling your strings, especially if she is calling you twice a day and telling you all about "Mr. Wonderful." If you've been married 10 years, she knows just how to get to you. All of these things about what a wonderful guy he is, and their "sailing off into the sunset" sounds to me like a lot of made up stuff. I say this because it all sounds too "goody goody" and too good to be true. Let's suppose for a moment that it is all true. She will soon show her true colors and the new "Mr. Wonderful" will see her for what she really is, and may tell her to get lost. It all seems to have happened much too suddenly for it all to be so real. I again am acting on my "gut" feelings. Me thinks she's on a flight of fantasy, and she is trying to get to you where she knows it really hurts you the most.  My advice is to accept one more call from her. Swallow really hard, and try not to let your emotions show. Say something to the effect of,  "It sounds like you've found a really wonderful guy." "I wish you every happiness." "Don't bother to call me anymore, unless it has something to do with our children, otherwise I will not be available" " I wish we could talk further, but I have to get on with my life and will be contacting my attorney." " I wish you and "Mr. Wonderful all the best."  Then hang up. Do not, repeat, do not take any more of her call unless it involves your kids. If she starts going on about her new found romance, tell her that you're really not interested, and promptly hang up the phone. She will eventually get the message, and realize that you are not playing her game. I feel sure that if she is involved with someone or if it is a figment of her imagination, it will eventually come to an end, because her scheme is not working, and he (if he exists) will figure her out eventually. Your job now is to stay strong and take care of you and the kids.  Something tells me that she will eventually come crawling back. That's where you need to set some boundaries.  Your reaction to her in the beginning was not out of line, but very human and normal. Do not feel guilty about this. We here, are all in our own separate battles with our BPD's. Hang in here with us. There is a lot of support. I personally have gained so very much in the month that I have been here, and am much stronger if you read my posts. Let us know how it goes. We all care more than you know, and know your pain. Take care.
 
Ave

[JMR]

You're probably discovering, manaburrn, that your story is not a new one here -- it's a sad fact.  I wasn't married to my x, but the scenario is otherwise pretty much the same. She didn't directly tell me how happy she was with the new guy, but she let it be known through mutual friends, parading with him down the street where I work, etc.

It is either an act or a dellusion. You weren't the cause of her problems, and he cannot be the solution. The fact that she's rubbing it all in your face says one thing very clearly -- she still is not a healthy person.  Do healthy, happy people go out of their way to cruelly hurt other people?  Why isn't she just enjoying her bliss, as opposed to calling you to talk about it?

In the last couple of days I've realized that I haven't understood her like I should have. I knew she was BPD years ago, but I never learned how to deal with it. I put everything on her to fix herself, and never expected any change out of me. I never tried to see the world through her eyes.

No offense, but it sounds like what you're saying is that you were trying to "fix" her in the wrong way, and now you hope you've found the right way.  I agree with you that you should learn more and do the reading you suggest, for your sake.  It's not going to fix her part; improving your mental health may actually make any potential  relationship worse, if she she's not committed and in recovery.  But that's not anything you can change, either. Staying sick to keep a dysfunctional relationship alive is really sick -- I've been there.

[manaburrn]

Thank you all so much for your replies. They are like gold to me right now  :'(

I never knew this place was here until now. I wish I had before.

Well, she called again this morning, and said that she was going to quit her job and walk out. They ended up asking her to stay and just take next week off, but she was going to leave early. She also asked if I could "Help her out $$$" I asked her to come over, and she said she would as soon as she left...5 hours later, I call her cell, and she's back at the guy's house with this response, "Look, I was just trying to be nice - I don't know what you exepct out of me." That was it for me. I remebered your advice, and I said "Okay, that's it. I'm not riding in your rollercoaster with you. You want to be with him, be with him. Don't call me asking me for money, telling me your problems, telling me how great he is. You call me about the kids and that's it. Understand? Good. Bye." *click*

And that was it. I'm sticking to my guns, and she can't come back unless she agrees to get some serious help.

I also made an appointment myself for counseling.

Mana, in any divorce or separation, we must put the needs of our children ahead of any of our need to be or not be with our partner.  You mentioned the children almost as an afterthought.  Did she take the kids with her?  Do you have access to them?  If she did, why do you think that your children are in a good environment if your wife is bouncing around from one man to another?

The kids are with me, and I have always been the primary caregiver, so really not much has changed *at all* for them. The only difference is that we rarely watch TV anymore, and they have been sleeping in their beds all night very well (they used to crawl in bed with us every night). They asked where mommy was for a few days, and then that was about it. She has been pretty good about calling them to tell them goodnight, and has been spending a few hours with them every few days.

Trust me, the kids are my #1. I only mentioned the kids at the end of my post because that part of the whole situation is the only one that's fine (other than they pretty much are motherless now). My two boys are 3 and 5, and they truly are not bothered by this, and I've been talking to them about it as much as I can.

I guess now we play the waiting game...

[manaburrn]

It sounds to me like she is pulling your strings, especially if she is calling you twice a day and telling you all about "Mr. Wonderful."

I've actually met the guy before - when he was married to my wife's best friend at the time. I called over there in a fit of rage last week, and woke them both up - in bed together, of course. She put him on the phone and he stuck up for her, so no, she's definitely not making this up.

[JoannaK]

Oh, brother...  Thank heavens you have the kids.  I was so concerned by your wording that perhaps she had taken the kids with her, mana.

I would be concerned that she will come crawling back and screw up your kids.  Or she might decide to change tactics, file for divorce, and push for custody of your kids.  I would suggest that you do get legal counsel...  just to make sure she can't take those kids on a whim.  A temp. custody order, whether or not you wind up divorcing, would make it clear that she can't just scoop them up and run off with them.  It would give them some stability. 

Mothers who run off on young kids may come back... and it may not be a good thing.  They may completely crack up and consider violence.  There have been some scary stories here, and many have started like yours...  the wife left the kids and the husband was really hurting and hoping she would come back. 

So, please...  protect yourself and your kids legally even if you don't want to get divorced right now.  Good luck to you!

[moesha]

Please listen to the advice about seeing a lawyer.  First consultations are often free, and simply meeting with an attorney does not obligate you to file for divorce.  But you must protect yourself and your kids. 

What if she decides she wants to play happy family with your boys and she and Mr. Wonderful take your kids out of state?  What if she simply brings them to wherever she's living with Mr. Wonderful and refuses to return them?  And demands child/spousal support?  Do you really want your income subsidizing her sex life?

Aside from your kids, she has already proven to you how financially irresponsible she is by taking the loan out on the car.  How far do you think that money will go, and where do you think she plans to get more?  Please see an attorney to protect your assets.  If you own a house, I'd call first thing tomorrow to make sure she hasn't dipped into home equity line of credit or taken out a second mortgage behind your back.

She's  mentally ill.  you didn't drive her into another man's bed, anymore than you can make her come home.  All you can do is take care of yourself and your boys.