Once A BPD Parent Loses Custody, Do They Ever Go Away?

(1/2) > >>

Her Mama:
I recieved a reply, from Kathrine on my post about whether or not to keep our custody journal for my step daughter when she gets older in case she has questions, that really made me think

Do parents with BPD who lose custody ever stay away, or do they hang around to make themselves known. 

BPD mom has supervised visitation rights that she still has not acted upon them.  Our BPD mom is nearing the 1 year mark since she has seen or asked to see her daughter and I plan to file for adoption at that point.  (Prior to children's services taking Little Bit and her brother, BPD mom had two other children removed and she hasn't bothered to see them in a couple or more years so this is her MO) I ran into the BPD mom two weeks ago and she didn't even ask how Little Bit was.  BPD Mom only asked (in a room full of people) "What's it like to steal someone's kid Bitc*!"  (For the attention ya know.) She stalks us (Father, his family, and I) but hasn't made her presence known to the child.

In our state, there are 11 criterion for termination of parental rights and BPD mom meets 10 out of the 11 so my petition for adoption should not be that difficult especially since the judge already ruled that BPD mom has abandoned her daughter.

Up to this point I had not considered that BPD mom may lay in wait to play the victim role for her daughter as Little Bit gets older.  Not that this will sway my decision to adopt, but I would like to be prepared.


My best guess is that on being notified of the adoption mom steps up to the plate and feigns interest for as long as she is able.  She may try to break that pattern short term to give the appearance of stability, but she can't hang for the long haul that is needed to raise a child.  The courts will likely see through it based on her past and go through with the adoption uninterrupted, simply checking off boxes as they go. 

Problem is, that doesn't mean she's through with it.  There's the problem (in her mind) of another woman "taking her child."  She's not likely to let go of that easily or soon.  She may paint you black all over town and continue her little outbursts ... but the truth of the matter is still right there before you.  Children are not taken away from functioning, involved parents.  Plus you have the other obvious truth:  She's already had children taken from her so there's a pattern of behavior to look at, seeing how she has reacted to that situation.  The courts will likely take that into consideration as well.

I'm just glad to know Little Bit has a mother like you!

Her Mama:
Thanks MoGlow for the advice.

To Clarify my first post,  in our state any ONE of the 11 criterion (or rather reasons) is enough for the court to terminate parental rights.  Second, as far as her history, aside from the very screwed up lifestyle BPD mom leads, this is what I have:

Since Little Bit was born, BPD mom has 47 (known) incident reports with police departments in our area.  Prior to her birth, BPD mom had lost the other children and had a conviction for child endangerment assaults and stalkings.  (when mom was gone to a party, unattended sibling was mauled by a pit bull).  Since Childrens Services took Little bit from her (nine months ago) there were 17 out of the 47 incidents involving the police.  Since Little Bit was born BPD mom has been arrested 13 times (for every thing from petty theft and check forgery to assaulting a police officer). 

Her realistic chances to stand in the way of the adoption are minimal.

KS...I hope I am wrong but you are counting your chickens before they hatch.  Judges are petrified of being judged.  Chances are the judge will rule for another adoption hearing in six mos after the first one to give the mother still a chance.  Go figure.
Its illegal in most states to use the past against a defendent and/or plaintiff (re: rape sheild law act in the 1980's).  They will look at lil bits as a totally separate case apart from her older siblings.  You will need to warrent the aid of social services affidavits and testimony on your behalf as well.  That goes for both hearings.  Plan on about three to get a judge to say yes.

My middle son is born out of wedlock and by a man who I later found out to be a felon absconding parole from GA, a crack dealer, gypsy construction clan and in the neo-nazi party.  I discovered all this when I was 7 mos pregnant with my son, T(who I wouldnt trade for the world).  Now my current husband has been there since T was 6 months old.  We moved intogether when he was 18 mos, and married a yr later.  HE is his father...not the sperm donor.  HE took turns in the steam when T had croup.  He took him to the ER when T fell out of a tree, okay?  When T was 4 hub tried to adopt him.  We were told we had to wait 7 yrs.  T is 9 now.  We intend on going forward but my stepsons issue is more dire and we prefer one legal woe at a time.

BPDexso has left for places unknown 3 X for a month or more.  Each time we file for abandonment/temp custody she shows just before the hearing and plays good mom for a few months.  Now that she has two more kids with someone else "schmuck of 2001", she only leaves for a few hours. Yet she leaves an 8 yr old in charge of a 4 yr old and 2 yr old.  Now that social services got a report of it she up and quit her job and is again playing the game.

Her Mama:
Not exactly chickens, but more so "Ducks in a Row".  As our attorney (who acts as a visiting judge in our county) advised us, once the judge declared that Little Bit's mother had abandoned her (*one of the 11 reasons a court will terminate someones paternal rights), we are waiting for a year to be up for her mother to "redeem" herself by giving her the chance to visit and support her daughter.  58 days from now, it will be one year since Little Bit's mother has seen her, and during this time she has not materially or financially contributed anything.  She has never asked to see her, never asked about her, or even so much as called Little Bit in all this time. 

At that point (one year) she would be excluded from being even in the court room.  If I filed for adoption when abandonment was initially adjudicated, BPD mom could be in the courtroom for the proceedings but would "likely not be heard".

(our attorney advised us that waiting one year most likely will save us a "ton" of legal fees)

The way the laws are in our state, at that point, her mother cannot contest my adopting Little Bit.  She already falls into the category of someone who "needs not to give consent" since abandonment has already been legally established.

* Our state's reason's to terminate parental rights (any one of which can qualify)

1.  The parent has abandoned the child.  (no contact and / or support for more than 90 days)

2.  The parent is unable to discharge his or her parental duties due to: (needs only one of the following to qualify)
           Chronic mental or emotional illness:  Dx of BPD and the mother's refusal to participate in any therapy.
           Mental retardation or physical disability:  After we were given custody, in one of her multiple suicide attempts, her mother intentionally drove 100+ mph into a tree and lost one of her legs and refuses to participate in rehabilitative treatment.  (signed out AMA before even skin grafts were finished because the nurses wouldn't allow her leave the burn unit to smoke)
           Chemical dependency:  BPD mom has a long documented history of drug and alchohol abuse and refuses to participate in any therapy.  She now uses her disablity to supplement her crack habit with oxycontin and morphine when she can get it.  She was recently caught trying to forge prescriptions.

3.  The parent is or was incarcerated for an offense committed against the child or a sibling of the child.:  She served time for child endangerment to wit abuse of a sibling to Little Bit.

4.   The parent is incarcerated and thereby will not be available to care for the child for at least 18 months, or the parent is repeatedly incarcerated, and the repeated incarceration prevents the parent from providing care for the child:  BPD mom has been arrested and convicted 13 times (for theft, non support of dependents, assault, assault of a police officer, etc...) in the last 3 years and she still faces charges for stabbing her estranged husband as well as the "accident" which caused physical harm to her passenger.  (These do not include convictions for child endangerment, drug trafficing, menacing, multiple assaults, etc... before Little Bit was born.)

5.  The parent has committed any abuse against the child, or caused or allowed the child to suffer any neglect.:  Little Bit was malnutritioned, sexually abused, physically abused, and emotionally abused according to the court.

6.  Reasonable efforts to rehabilitate the parent have failed.:  BPD mom refuses any and all therapy offered by children's services to this date.  She has failed every drug screen and continues to have new legal issues despite the county services tyring to help her resolve them.

7.  The parent has been convicted of or pled guilty to Endangering children.:  She has.

8.  The parent has demonstrated a lack of commitment to the child by failing to regularly support, visit, or communicate with the child when able to do so.:  She has failed all of these.

9.  The parent for any reason is unwilling to provide food, clothing, shelter, and other basic necessities for the child or to prevent the child from suffering physical, emotional, or sexual abuse or physical, emotional, or mental neglect.:  She failed these for Little Bits entire life and still has yet to take steps to provide any security, (even just a home) for her.

10.  The parent has placed the child at substatial risk of harm due to alcohol or drug abuse, and has refused treatment.:  She has.

11.  Parental rights to another child of the parent have been involuntarily terminated.:  This is the one out of 11 we are not sure of.  She has lost custody of three other children but we are not sure her rights were terminated as juvenile court records are sealed and we do not know those who do have custody of those children, so we cannot ask.  One of those children was removed when she pled guilty to child endangerment to wit abuse, so it is possible her rights were terminated then.  Only when we file our adoption petition wil we find out for sure.

So, in getting my "Ducks in a Row", I am seeking out advice for the future so that I will be fully prepared of what to expect as time goes on and if things ever get better after the parental ties are legally severed.   


[0] Message Index

[#] Next page