Re-engagement Vs Reconcilliation?

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tonyel:
This is a topic that I'm a little curious about although I don't expect either of these two points to present themselves in my situation.  My ex's support group will not allow her to show and "signs of weakness" and either re-engagement or reconcile.  You know the old song, "all my Ex's live in Texas", in the case of my Ex "all her girlfriends are divorced women", and they want to keep her in the single club with them.

Back to my question, how can one differentiat between a "re-engage" and a sincere attempt at "reconciliation" coming from the BPD individual.  Does anyone out there have a success story of getting back together?  Or, if that happens, do those people just disapear from BPDFamily once and for all?

Tonyel

Gulfstream:
This is only an observation, but first, BPDFamily is not for BPDs, but Nons. Secondly, the dynamics if the BPD mind is black and white, no grey there, your are either all good, or all evil, so you are never you. From my observation if is much easier to split you black when it's the 6th time around or so. You must have noticed that they don't have a lot of friends of their own around them; there is good reason for that.

A rose is a rose is a rose, so re-engagement or anything else, supply is supply, and you are still just a bug in the web.

hokuhonu:
i think tonyel might have meant, do Nookies come back to post if they've had a successful reconciliation with their BPD spouse/SO, or do they only come back to mourn if they've been re-engaged again...   ? 

I don't know the answer to that, nor do I know the difference between a "re-engage" and a sincere reconciliation attempt, and how in the world you'd begin to tell.  From what I've been reading I'm not sure even the BPD would know...

I've noticed that for my situation, no one has come back to post that they've reconciled with their son and grandchild who've been brain-washed by a BPD spouse, with one exception, and that mother-in-laws in general tend to get chastised, especially if it is their son (who IS a grown-up, you know) who is stockholmed.  SO...yeah, I know, i'm no help.    :-X

snaillady2:
Tonyel, you may get a better idea about re-engages vs. reconciliations in the "committed to working on it" section. That area is for those people in a committed "chosen" relationship with someone with BPD (or BPD traits) and are committed to working on the relationship.  There have been some recent successes, most notably ruthless and his wife are working on getting her into a 12 week treatment course. You may find more examples in that section.

Snails

JoannaK:
This is about the 1000th time I've written this, so...   here goes!

Many, many nons ask the same question.  "My ex/partner/spouse is saying all of the right things now.  She/he is realizes he/she is messed up, is going to get therapy, is reading up on BPD, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum.  How do I know she's sincere?"

Well... if you at all understand the nature of BPD, you will also understand that those with BPD are emotionally inconsistent and immature.  So, first of all, what they do and say and feel one day may be 180 degrees different than what they do and say and feel the next.  So it doesn't matter what they say.  It's what they do...  long term ...  that counts.  Secondly, someone with BPD may be completely, perfectly 100% sincere when they say  all of those things... that they really love you and finally realize that.  That they only want to be with you.  That they have realized that they've screwed up and they are going to get themselves fixed up.  But he/she may simply not have the stick-to-it-iveness to stay with whatever they have said today.  So they say something different tomorrow, or they give up tomorrow...  or whatever.

So any attempt to "make things better" or to get back together is a re-engagement.  By definition.  It doesn't mean that the BPD is being intentionally manipulative, but it does mean that the BPD person simply cannot hold to what he/she does and says on any given day. 

Most of recovery from BPD is learning emotional regulation and consistency...  and learning acceptable behaviors.

Therefore don't waste one minute pondering if he/she means it  this time.  Assume that he/she means whatever he/she says today, but may feel something completely different tomorrow.  Unless the good words are accompanied by appropriate actions day after day, week after week, month after month, the words mean nothing.

About getting back together or moving back in based on words:  If the person is really going to stick with it, there is no need for you to get back with them or move back in now.  They will start to get help and they will be willing to wait weeks or months until you can start to trust them. 

More often, however, the words are inspired by the BPD person's fear of abandonment.  So they will (with great sincerity) make any promises necessariy to get you back into their lives.  But then when you are back, they don't fear abandonment anymore so they "switch".

Recovery is as recovery does. 

If you are going to get back together with someone based on their words, assume the worst, and don't get married, don't loan them great sums of money, don't have a child, don't make long term plans.  Wait and see.

About people no longer posting at BPDFamily...  There are many more people who come back and post about how happy they are now that they've moved on from the BPD relationship ... than there are people who come back and drop a line about how happy they are with the BPD person.  My sense is that most who get back together without any recovery on the BPD person's part continue to be miserable and don't want to tell anyone how miserable they are.  I really wish that people who got back together and found themselves having a good relationship would come back and drop a line, but it never happens...  not unless the BPD person is in long term recovery.  I do mean NEVER.  I have never read a post saying something like, "I was posting in BPDFamily a year ago, and so and so and I got back together.  Things are great between us now."  We may hear something like, "I was posting in BPDFamily a year ago and so and so and I got back together. She's been in therapy for the past year, and we are working on things.  Things are much better though we still have our difficulties." 

I will repeat this:  I have never read one post from someone saying that they got back with their BPD partner, the partner is not in serious recovery, but things are going well.  It doesn't happen.

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