Setbacks along the road towards a BPD's recovery. A non's expierence.

[Think About It...]

   Setbacks are not only common, but they are enevitable. They can come in trivial things, to major issues that will have you questioning why your still here and if it is time to end the relationship.

   For me looking within to see my part in the dance, and working on me, were the most important things I could do. For me, my children, and even for Tina. Becomming strong and healthy are the only way to servive a BP relationship, and being able to be there for the children and Tina. Setting boungaries as what is and isn't acceptable in the relationship, but not going overboard and don't write things in stone, because things are and will be ever changing.

   As far as the setbacks go, I would usually try to not sweat the small things. Letting things go, that don't really matter anyhow (things that would not bother you if it were in a normal relationship)

   The major setbacks are another thing. I would try to wait and let Tina figure things out, and then encourage discussing it. Waiting until things have calmed down.

   Now if something happens and a major boundary is crossed, there are/should be consequences, as in any relationship. Whether it be leaving the room during a rage, to ending the relationship because of abuse or infidelity. (those were my two deal breakers)

   Walking alongside of Tina was not a lot of fun, and definately was not an overnight trip. There was more baby steps forward and big steps backwards, but there will come plataues. Kinda like a resting place, before the small steps forward begin again. It was hard for me not to allow the setbacks to end the relationship. Knowing  that they are common, helped.

   Another thing was me holding on to the past hurts. There needs to come a time when you address things and decide if you are able to let go and move forwards in the relationship. Living in the past only holds you, your SO, and the relationship in a bad place, not allowing any change to happen.

   This does not mean to excuse bad behavior or remain in an abusive, co-dependant, or any one sided relationship.

   My examples are for those non's, who's SO is genuinely and sincerely working on their issues, and the non's are also genuinely and sincerely working on themselves.

   Mark

   

   

   

   

[been there]

   Setbacks are not only common, but they are enevitable. They can come in trivial things, to major issues that will have you questioning why your still here and if it is time to end the relationship.

   For me looking within to see my part in the dance, and working on me, were the most important things I could do. For me, my children, and even for Tina. Becomming strong and healthy are the only way to servive a BP relationship, and being able to be there for the children and Tina. Setting boungaries as what is and isn't acceptable in the relationship, but not going overboard and don't write things in stone, because things are and will be ever changing.

   As far as the setbacks go, I would usually try to not sweat the small things. Letting things go, that don't really matter anyhow (things that would not bother you if it were in a normal relationship)

   The major setbacks are another thing. I would try to wait and let Tina figure things out, and then encourage discussing it. Waiting until things have calmed down.

   Now if something happens and a major boundary is crossed, there are/should be consequences, as in any relationship. Whether it be leaving the room during a rage, to ending the relationship because of abuse or infidelity. (those were my two deal breakers)

   Walking alongside of Tina was not a lot of fun, and definately was not an overnight trip. There was more baby steps forward and big steps backwards, but there will come plataues. Kinda like a resting place, before the small steps forward begin again. It was hard for me not to allow the setbacks to end the relationship. Knowing  that they are common, helped.

   Another thing was me holding on to the past hurts. There needs to come a time when you address things and decide if you are able to let go and move forwards in the relationship. Living in the past only holds you, your SO, and the relationship in a bad place, not allowing any change to happen.

   This does not mean to excuse bad behavior or remain in an abusive, co-dependant, or any one sided relationship.

   My examples are for those non's, who's SO is genuinely and sincerely working on their issues, and the non's are also genuinely and sincerely working on themselves.

   Mark

   

   

   

   

[livingw/ochaos]

Thank you SoooOOoOoo much for this post Marc. . .

This is what I need to hear about.

I am on this path now . . . I think I've confronted my part. . . I think I've established strong boundaries . . . I agree with the abuse and infidelity being my breaking points too.  Early on here at BPDFamily,  I alluded to an eposide of infidelity - but it was merely a phone call to a former girlfriend - simply touching base. . . but I reacted strongly . . . as it was frightenly too near a true breaking point for me . . . I know my H . . . I know what he was potentially lining up.  I hope you can understand that this was not an over reaction on my part, but rather for me a point of truly seeing how close to utter chaos things were heading.  I'm saying this because I remember some time back (more than a year ago - I'm not very savy at figuring out how to pull up past posts) JoannaK mentioned my reference to my H's infideltiy.  I fear I over stated it at the time.  I'm afriad I may have - unintentionally - mislead.  I'm trying to be very clear to all - including myself - about the particulars so as not to get lost in them or brush them aside.

If I can ask Marc, how long in recovery is Tina?

I see you too have dealt with the "platueas".  We've seen them too.  I KNOW my H is making progress . . . and sadly I know that doesn't necessarily mean the marriage will survive.

And herein is my latest (and for sometime pressing) worry; I see myself wanting to pull away . . . even though my H is progressing . . . even though I truly and compassionately want to support this recovery. . .

And it's nothing really major that's happend.  I've been off the "rollercoaster" so to speak for some time.  This is no knee jerk reaction.  I wonder sometimes how my H's diagnosis as Antisocial (with high scores in sadism) affects my ability to relate to those posting here.  I mean it's not the
"rollercoaster" ride that I need to stop - for the most part I think I've stopped that.  H doesn't threatened to hurt himself while I scramble to help him.  That's not our dynamic.  It's rather his slow, steady (meaning two steps forward, one step back, two step forward) recovery that has started to wear on me. . . I'm simply completely tired of his T and his work to try to make me COUNT. 

Now that sounds pathetic.  Let me try to better explain.  My H was the BEST at sweeping a person off of her feet. And I'm not talking about some fly by night romance.  Our relationship wias subtanctial, it felt real . . . and suddenly I found myself waking up to a Scott Peterson personality.  He's always been supportive of my children from my first marriage.  To this day would never EVER question his financial responsiblity to them during their college years.  But he lacks true empathy, true emotiion and true support.

He is on meds . . . working hard for recovery with T . . . and he's reaching plateaus of true progress.  I don't begrudge him any of this.   And, I truly believe he "loves" me the best he knows how.

That's what's so hard . . . what he feels towards me is in HIS mind real love. . .

I honestly do love the man . . . he is from an extremely abusive background (his T has diagnosed his mother as a sociopath -I COMPLETLY concur).  I know he was hurt. I know he's likely genticially proned to a socipathic personality himself.  And yet, I know he is trying to better himself . . . I mean truly trying to better himself . . . And still I feel like I'm at the point where I may not be able to continue to walk beside him on his path to recovery.

I'm starting to feel a distance . . .

What did you do when you started to feel this way?

[elphaba]

I thank you too Mark,

It is from a voice of experience and both calming and encouraging. 

My h is working hard on recovery and sometimes now he is able to see how twisted his thinking is and how it affects those around him. He is able to calm down, see the results of his words/actions and know that it is wrong and unfair - a big change from a year ago. 

 It is such a difficult journey and to see someone you love live everyday in such pain is so hard.  Daily life situations/stresses affect them so deeply, so personally...

Sometimes as the non, we are so exhausted, so hurt that we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and every dark corner turned seems like a dead end.  I will continue to work on myself, so that I don't feel so exhausted and sometimes hopeless.  I know that this is a big part of my recovery...

So thank you Mark and thank you Tina for going before us through this journey and letting us have hope.

[Caribou]

Mark - thanks for steppng in and lending us your experience.

I know on an intellectual level that my wife's recovery is going to be a long, slow process with setbacks along the way.  However, on an emotional level, I think setbacks elicit two main feelings in me (many times simultaneously):

1.  I have a lot of fear that for whatever reason, my wife wil slide back into the really bad behavior from the past and cease to work toward recovery.

2. It is hard to go back to Oz when things have been relatively normal of a while.

I appreciate that you started a thread on this subject and know that I need to take the setbacks in stride and continue to support my wife in her recovery.

[ghostang302]

Thanks Marc,

I really needed to hear something like that.My bpgf has become furious with my boundries and is texting 10+ times daily to let me know that. How unfair I am as well as the fact that she doesnt understand. We were supposed to go for an ultrasound on tues to find out the sex of our unborn child. Now she refuses to let me go and says she will see me in T later that day.This is really hurting me but my only response has been to tell her I love her as per our six day a week NC. I love you is the only exception to NC agreed upon. Im sticking to my guns. Thanks for the encouragement.

                                                                                      ghost

[John Galt]

Hey Mark and other friends here,

I think that the key is to start with ourselves and hopefully the BPD in our life can follow our lead.When my wife acted poorly ,I acted poorly as well and we all know that if we play the game of escalation with a BPD it is a game that we will rarely win,and its not much fun of a game anyway.
Caribou, I agree with your 2 points that it is a fearful place to be (oz) and i will do my part to not visit there.If my wife wants to go she can alone,but i will try not to.
I think that anyone who reads this must be prepared for lot of setbacks,bittersweet,yet hopefully us committed and sucessfully committed (taking care of us and our kids) even if the other parent does not wish to can grow in numbers .

Also as JonnaK and I have discussed in the past,hopefully other sucess stories like Mark and Tina will grow and continue to post here so that we
will see that there is a way,when people wish to overcome.

Marc

[ghostang302]

I stuck to my guns.It worked! Today I went to the ultrasound appt. "Its a girl" my first child. Last week she was hacking at the boundries we set. I felt wow I wonder if this is ever going to get better. I never validated the things she was trying to hurt me with and she changed her mind. I chose not to play her game. I told her nothing more than I love you. Things got pretty loud at times in therepy today but the result was in depth teaching on communication. We left in alot beter shape than when we got there.

PS after being a hardcore smoker for the last 25 years I havent lit up in three days. Wish me luck.

[elphaba]

ghost - congrats on both the pending arrival of daddy's little girl and on the not smoking - quitting smoking while all the while dealing with the BPDso... you should feel very proud of yourself.


go go ghost... and new little baby ghost.