Need advice about my girlfriend

[Think About It...]

Hi,

I have a question that I thought I might ask for advice about. My girlfriend has Borderline (she's 18 btw), and we have been together for 1½ years now and have a son together. She just starting getting psychological help again (last one didn't work)... During a few months of her pregnancy she got so much better but now it's come back... I've started setting limits and all so she's still better than in the beginning, but there's one big problem.. she gets fits of rage sometimes.. pretty often now, at least once a week, sometimes she'll even start hitting the wall and trying to hurt herself and I have to hold her down so she can't move. Also, she gets reallllly angry with me, she'll try hitting me etc., she never does it hard but I still won't accept that kind of behavior. I just can't take it anymore when she gets like that, all hysterical, pissed off for no reason as if I had done something terrible to her, the way she ignores me and is cold to me... a few times I've almost lost it! I almost hit her, I grabbed her hair, I slammed the door shut... It usually ends with something "big" like that and she gets really sad, starts crying, cuddles up in my arms and says she's sorry, and the worst thing is I KNOW she means it, I know she is truly sorry, and SHE knows she can't go on like this, but then it happens again, and when she gets like that, she doesn't realize that she is doing something bad.

Anyway.. lately I started punishing her when she gets like that, for example when she starts hitting me, to teach her to take the consequences of her actions (because she acts like a 4-year-old in those situations).. and thing is it has worked really well so far because it makes her realize what she's doing and she'll stop it (I don't let her go online which she always does).. when she's "normal" she even says herself that it's probably a good idea. But now she's started going online even though she's not allowed, she doesn't care what I tell her, she still does it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, threaten her? With what? I have to do something! I'm seriously considering telling my mom about this because she figured out the whole Borderline thing on her own anyway... I think my girlfriend might take her more seriously than me. But I don't know...

Do you have any advice? I love her so much, I really want this to get better...

[MariaKsk88]

Hi,

I have a question that I thought I might ask for advice about. My girlfriend has Borderline (she's 18 btw), and we have been together for 1½ years now and have a son together. She just starting getting psychological help again (last one didn't work)... During a few months of her pregnancy she got so much better but now it's come back... I've started setting limits and all so she's still better than in the beginning, but there's one big problem.. she gets fits of rage sometimes.. pretty often now, at least once a week, sometimes she'll even start hitting the wall and trying to hurt herself and I have to hold her down so she can't move. Also, she gets reallllly angry with me, she'll try hitting me etc., she never does it hard but I still won't accept that kind of behavior. I just can't take it anymore when she gets like that, all hysterical, pissed off for no reason as if I had done something terrible to her, the way she ignores me and is cold to me... a few times I've almost lost it! I almost hit her, I grabbed her hair, I slammed the door shut... It usually ends with something "big" like that and she gets really sad, starts crying, cuddles up in my arms and says she's sorry, and the worst thing is I KNOW she means it, I know she is truly sorry, and SHE knows she can't go on like this, but then it happens again, and when she gets like that, she doesn't realize that she is doing something bad.

Anyway.. lately I started punishing her when she gets like that, for example when she starts hitting me, to teach her to take the consequences of her actions (because she acts like a 4-year-old in those situations).. and thing is it has worked really well so far because it makes her realize what she's doing and she'll stop it (I don't let her go online which she always does).. when she's "normal" she even says herself that it's probably a good idea. But now she's started going online even though she's not allowed, she doesn't care what I tell her, she still does it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, threaten her? With what? I have to do something! I'm seriously considering telling my mom about this because she figured out the whole Borderline thing on her own anyway... I think my girlfriend might take her more seriously than me. But I don't know...

Do you have any advice? I love her so much, I really want this to get better...

[Caribou]

Hi Mariaksk88-
Help me understand.  Do you currently have a girlfriend and a boyfriend?  Is one or the other your "love interest" or both?

[MariaKsk88]

No, I'm her boyfriend. She doesn't use this nick name anymore. I tried creating my own but I never got the email so I just wrote on hers instead since I know her password. I'm sorry for the confusion.

[Caribou]

Mariaksk-

Thanks for the clarification.

Setting boundaries to protect yourself and your son is definitely the right approach.  If you haven't read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells", I would highly recommend it.

However, boundaries are not about controlling, punishing, or threatening your girlfriend, only about protecting you and your son.  You have to stop doing anything physical when she is raging (i.e. holding her down, grabbing hair, slamming doors, etc.).  Those kinds of reactions on your part are, and will be seen as, domestic violence by the authorities.  It doesn't matter what she did up to that point, if you get physical with her, you are at risk of getting arrested, thrown in jail, slapped with a restraining order, etc.  When she starts getting physical, if you are concerned, call 911 but don't engage her yourself.

It is not your place to punish her for anything.  If she is doing harmful things, it is okay to let her bear the consequences of her actions, but you are not her parent and punishing is not okay.  If she is physically abusing you, leaving the room or the house (with your son if appropriate).  That action protects you and your son and sends a message to her of what behavior you will and will not accept.

The best thing that you can do for yourself, your son, and your girlfriend is to set boundaries and take care of yourself.  You didn't cause her problems, you can't control them, and you can't cure them.  The only things you can realistically do are control your reactions and protect yourself and your son.  Whether that means staying with your girlfriend and working through the problems if she is willing or leaving the relationship all together, that will be for you to decide.  It is up to your girlfriend to recognize she has a problem and to sincerely work on that problem.

I encourage you to get a copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" as soon as possible.  Looking for answers, is a step in the right direction.

Good luck,
Caribou

[JoannaK]

Here are Maria's intro posts from February 2005:

Hey everyone!

Well, I just registered... I'm gonna try to make a long story short to introduce myself and maybe get some advice. My name is Maria and I'm 16 years old, turning 17 in a month. I've been having a lot of mental problems all my life, started cutting when I was 12 I think, been through lots of stuff I hardly remember... I've been sent back and forth to doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists etc. and I hear different things all the time. So far I've been diagnosed with panic syndrome and OCD but I've also been told I might have manic depression, some sort of DID (and dissociative amnesia), bipolar and God knows what.

I started reading about BPD in depth not too long ago because I'm really interested in psychology, and it feels like I'm reading about myself. My mood changes ALL THE TIME, I can be hyper and so happy, then after an hour I get depressed and think about ways to kill myself. Two hours later, it changes again. I feel like I'm two persons, I always have different opinions, I have a hard time saying "this is me" because I change opinions every two minutes. I can actually sit down and have conversations with myself, fighting with myself, getting angry at myself... I've always been told I see things in black or white and it's true that sometimes if I don't get it my way, I'll COMPLETELY change opinions, eg. me and my boyfriend plan to spend the day together and then he realizes he has to be home by 4pm, and I'll go crazy and decide that in that case it's totally unnecessary to meet at all. I get horrible anger outbursts, scream, throw things around me, hurt myself (I cut, OD, sprained my wrist once)... Everyone tells me I'm manipulative, I always get my way through...

I could go on and on forever.  I don't like diagnosing myself but the psychotherapist I'm seeing now doesn't like diagnoses and she's the only one who's free that I can go to. I found another one I like but my parents can't afford paying for a psychologist. Soooo... This is as far as I've come. I think it seems like I have BPD but I don't know what to do about it. Help anyone? And maybe some welcomes, cuz I guess I'll be around for a while...

/Maria

 
 

« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2005, 04:25:17 pm »   

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Ah, and then of course, I'm constantly afraid of losing people I love. I want to be close to people but once I get close to them I think that they're just going to let me down anyway so I might as well stop talking to them. I can go crazy because I miss a certain person (most of my family lives abroad) and always try to borrow my boyfriend's sweaters or basically anything that's his so I have him "closer" if you know what I mean. I've also been told that I'm a control-freak but most people think it's because my ex was abusive of me. I freak out if someone holds me down, and I always want to be in control, I want to know it all, I want to decide... and the fact that my boyfriend is whipped doesn't help... wellll sorry for babbling but these were just symptoms I just thought of that I've read is common in BPD.

Any thoughts?

 

You've been together a year and a half... were you the boyfriend that she was discussing in her intro posts?  I noticed that she mentioned that she hates being held down...  I don't blame her.  As Caribou mentioned, holding her down is grounds for a domestic violence charge in most places.  You are walking on thin ice with the "punishing" her stuff.

Look, you have a baby in the middle of this.  How old is your baby?  She must have gotten pregnant almost as soon as you started dating?  Who watches the baby?  Who works?  You are in a very, very serious situation, and the person most at risk is your innocent child.  Seriously consider his needs as you ponder your situation. 

You need help... serious help, as does your girlfriend.  Please seek out some therapy for yourself, and find out what kind of government services might be available to you as young parents.  She desperately needs effective behavioral therapy, probably including appropriate medication, and you need to get a better handle on how you can handle the situation better...  which means boundaries and more boundaries...  without "punishing" her.  You have a very drama-full situation with her now, boyfriend, and that may keep the adrenaline pumping, but it's very damaging for all of you in the long run.

[MariaKsk88]

Hi,

Yeah I'm that boyfriend. We found out she was pregnant after 6 months. She stays at home with our son while I go to school but I'm not afraid at all, she's great with him and she always puts him first no matter what... It's with me that she gets all crazy. But she would never go to the extremes that I see some people do like calling the police or anything. I want to set boundaries but I just don't know how... I have some and she knows that but still, I guess I need more... And I don't know what.

/J

[John Galt]

Hey,

Never say never my friend.

I said the same thing about my wife,and she did call the police after she jumped me and said that I tried to kill her !

The police arrested her !

1 month later she called the police again ( she was odered out of the house and away from the kids and me) and this time I was charged and  year later it was dropped after she admitted it was a fake charge.

Help yourself first understand you my friend,its a good beginning,

Best of luck for you and your child,

Marc