An interesting few days

Well I'm almost scared/embarrassed to write this - after all the great advice I have been given I made a decision to give it "one last go". I have told my friends, brother that this is the last throw, I don't know why I am doing it, but I am doing so and if I look like wavering again to stop me.

Quick recap - me male, he male, met 4 weeks ago, after 2 weeks he is diagnosed BPD, then we have a break up when he goes straight out and shags someone else, get back, break up again, same almost happened (I turned up at the wrong time!), then last Tuesday we have a fight - he being unreasonable, me not willing to walk on egg shells.

With all the advice on here and reading about boundaries I just told him I was not going to argue, he knew where I was and if he touched another man that was it. On one day (wed) before my eyes his text messages to me went through a whole cycle - rage, re-engaging, painting white ... AMAZING and thanks to SilentAlarm for deciphering them.

So Thursday we meet in the evening, chat a hell of a lot, he has got a new medication which he says is making him feel positive, he has just secured a new flat which is miles from his family (v large family, loads of problems, illegit kids, violence, prison, etc.) - which I think is good as apart from his mum all they do is put stress on "baby brother".

Thursday great, Friday and Sat I could not be with him but stayed in contact and met up yesterday. We went to view his new flat, he is telling everyone on the phone about me, I met his much older sister (absolute nutter - seriously and if I had to spend time with her I think I would have a disorder!), his best friend (much better) and he told me a couple of times "if you hang around until x date ...". The only down side was once he said "I am not sure we should not just be friends but with a bit of fun now and again" - I told him immediately I don't sleep with my friends - only my boyfriends. We discussed and he is scared of being "hurt again". If I did not know about his disorder I would bet my house he is in love with me but has been hurt badly before.

Another good news item is HE is changing his phone number - so his ex, and other casual sex partners - cannot text him. He is open that this is to try and change his life, he doesn't like his life, wants it to change and the number will only be given to mum, friends (female) and me ... However, its not hard to meet men in the City if you feel like it so all this does really is stop someone else putting the temptation in his mind.

One thing I will give him is that he seems totally honest - even with the things he knows I will not like. I should have been a lawyer my friends say as I spot dishonesty and inconsistencies a mile off - but so far there have been none and when I thought I had spotted one I soon realised I was in the wrong.

What he tells me - and I realise it may be lies but his best friend backed it up - was his ex ended with him when he was loved up telling him he was "boring" (man, there are loads of words for my BPD but that is NOT one!). This ex then started using him for sex even though the ex got a new boyf - nice man eh - makes me not surprised some people not so strong as the rest of us end up with problems.

There is a black cloud on the horizon. He went off the rails over Xmas (well he was diagnosed Bullemic, treated for that with what the doctors say are now the wrong drugs and guess what ...) and had some very risky sex. So tomorrow he's off for a test. We have not done anything risky (I am far too switched on to lose my life for 30 mins of fun!) - but a bad result would obviously close the lid tight. I have agreed to meet him tomorrow night - he will text me the result in the day after the test - if its bad I will switch to "friend in need" and council for seeing someone qualified immediately; if not then I intend to not celebrate but really push home the gravity and luck of the situation (think this may be a good test of the "new" him - as a few weeks ago me getting agressive would have started a rage).

We have talked a lot about this, what would happen if it was bad news, etc. It sort of hung over last night (lots of chat in bed) and when we had some fun it was not very good nor satisfying (lets say it was very safe! Yikes - that sounds like unsafe is exciting - that's not what I mean). Today has been good but we did get passionate in the afternoon, but when he had "finished" he disappeared into the bathroom saying he'd be back "to give me dessert", then I hear phone calls and he comes down dressed and says he needs to go see his mum.

Hmmmmm - I know I should be saying "BPD BPD BPD!" but this lad is talking the talk about changing, can't wait to get away, showing me off to everyone, they are all telling him not to f*** it up (I think he is doing this so that if when I am not around he is talking about getting someone else they give him a mouthful - in the same way I have told my friends about the "last chance"). And, we all have times during sex where somethign happens to halt it.

His best friend was interesting. She said she has lived with it for 10 years, some times she goes 2 days waiting for him to calm, but of course he can't hurt her like he can me, that he is the best friend she could want to have and when he gets into a rage she just leaves and tells him to shut up - apparently within 24 hours he is back. He has let on to her that he thinks I will hurt him and I let her know - and I told him a number of times during the weekend - that if he touches anyone else I am off but I realise there will be arguments and at present I am willing to see how these pan out (hey some people never argue in life, live years together and yet probably have never spoken as much as we have in one month).

She said fair enough to this boundary, agreed with me that I couldn't allow that and I know told him that as well.

Just got home (after the afternoon "fun") log onto MSN and then within a few minutes of me being on line (I saw he was on but I was interested in how things would go) he messages asking how I was. Says the family home (where he is) is mental again and he can't wait to get out - the "sht" is doing his head in. I joke about having done the gardening "my cleaning" (he is obsessive about cleaning), still being aroused, "unfinished business" and for him to text me when he gets home tonight and I will be round to "complete things". Got a laugh from him, no commital but he did finish the convo with "text ya later".

The sex things does not matter today as long as it is a one-off and not the start of some selfish routine. Considering the gravity of tomorrow's test (he is being strong but it would destroy him and I even found myself welling up at the thought of "just as he tries to get everything together ..." - my words when he was asleep). I do have a thought somewhere that as his ex used him (he obviously allowed it) and continued to do so up until a couple of weeks ago (that's one of my only wins :D) then he is trying to do the same back to me - but that's maybe unfair at present.

Anyhow - as the subject says - interesting few days. This is the definite last time if he breaks the boundary, if he rages but then calms I don't know. After all, unlike so many posts on here he is intimate, cuddly, says nice things, we laugh so much its unbelieveable, and he is "showing me off" - not something I am willing to do yet the other way ...).

If its good news tomorrow he will be on a roll - bloke back, new flat, nesting plans, clean bill of health.

I on purpose am keeping a sanity check on feelings at present - my involvement is caring - no more - but I will be the first to admit that if we get to his birthday at the end of the month, no major problems, the boundary not broken then it will be more.

YEAH - I know there are signs in all the above, but also I am observing someone that is (doing a very good impression of) trying to change - and I have read messages on other sites of people being able to do it and just wonder if he is taken away from this massive, dysfunctional family what may be possible.

Kew "weak as hell, only 10% confident, but feeling good at his chosen path" :-\