BPDx threatens to call a cop on me.

[Think About It...]

Sigh...more drama with the visitation agreement that was just put into place.
Our agreement states alternating Sat and Sun from 9-9. Three weeks ago, before I went in for surgery, he informed he had tickets to a cancer benefit and he wouldn't pick her up on his scheduled Saturday. He said, I'll have to be here Sunday. By terms of our agreement, a cancellation of his scheduled day is a cancellation of his visit for the weekend. But, my parents needed the help with me being in the hospital so we agreed he take her.  He, of course, showed up 1 1/2 hours late and dropped her off early. Last weekend, he cancelled his visit and I said, fine, then we'll see you next Thursday and then Saturday (tomorrow) at 9am. He said fine and got off the phone.  Yesterday, he asked which day he was to take her. I said, it was Saturday this week. He walked off in a huff and called me 45 minutes ago stating he wasn't picking her up tomorrow. He will be here Sunday, he said. I said, your day is tomorrow. That is what we talked about last Monday. He said, no it's Sunday. I'm not showing up tomorrow. I'll see you Sunday morning and I'm bringing a cop. Then went off into a rant about how unreasonable I've been since I found out he moved in with someone and this all just to make his life difficult.  And from here on out he wasn't allowing me any vacations because he will not allow me to take D on vacation if it means his scheduled day is affected. Yes, he is acting like spoiled child who didn't get his way.

So now, he is supposedly calling his attorney and he's filing a motion to get Saturdays off the schedule and we're going back to court and if I don't put D. in the car Sunday morning, he's calling a cop and having a cop enforce the agreement.

The last thing I need is another court date especially since I owe my attorney $4000.  I'm recovering from surgery. I'm flat on my back with no ability to drive or even take care of myself.  I'm documenting but will it really do me any good? I swear sometimes, I feel so powerless. This is my child and my household. I am so sick of this person inserting himself and making life miserable for us all. I have sole custody of all my children. But, I feel like I have so little control over my youngest and absolutely no ability to co-parent with her BPD father. The fact he is living with someone he has known a little over a month concerns me beyond words. But what can I really do about it?

[kkce967]

Sigh...more drama with the visitation agreement that was just put into place.
Our agreement states alternating Sat and Sun from 9-9. Three weeks ago, before I went in for surgery, he informed he had tickets to a cancer benefit and he wouldn't pick her up on his scheduled Saturday. He said, I'll have to be here Sunday. By terms of our agreement, a cancellation of his scheduled day is a cancellation of his visit for the weekend. But, my parents needed the help with me being in the hospital so we agreed he take her.  He, of course, showed up 1 1/2 hours late and dropped her off early. Last weekend, he cancelled his visit and I said, fine, then we'll see you next Thursday and then Saturday (tomorrow) at 9am. He said fine and got off the phone.  Yesterday, he asked which day he was to take her. I said, it was Saturday this week. He walked off in a huff and called me 45 minutes ago stating he wasn't picking her up tomorrow. He will be here Sunday, he said. I said, your day is tomorrow. That is what we talked about last Monday. He said, no it's Sunday. I'm not showing up tomorrow. I'll see you Sunday morning and I'm bringing a cop. Then went off into a rant about how unreasonable I've been since I found out he moved in with someone and this all just to make his life difficult.  And from here on out he wasn't allowing me any vacations because he will not allow me to take D on vacation if it means his scheduled day is affected. Yes, he is acting like spoiled child who didn't get his way.

So now, he is supposedly calling his attorney and he's filing a motion to get Saturdays off the schedule and we're going back to court and if I don't put D. in the car Sunday morning, he's calling a cop and having a cop enforce the agreement.

The last thing I need is another court date especially since I owe my attorney $4000.  I'm recovering from surgery. I'm flat on my back with no ability to drive or even take care of myself.  I'm documenting but will it really do me any good? I swear sometimes, I feel so powerless. This is my child and my household. I am so sick of this person inserting himself and making life miserable for us all. I have sole custody of all my children. But, I feel like I have so little control over my youngest and absolutely no ability to co-parent with her BPD father. The fact he is living with someone he has known a little over a month concerns me beyond words. But what can I really do about it?

[JoannaK]

I think you need to put everything in writing.  No agreements, changes in dates, whatever, without emails.  Now, your agreement states alternating Saturdays and Sundays.  Is there a clause about reasonable substitution of one day for another?

If he shows up with a cop, how would he (or you) be able to convince the cop that he is (or isn't) supposed to have her on Sunday?  You owe him nothing...   but you must make sure all dates are in writing in case he does try to take you to court.  No agreements unless they are in writing. 

Send him an email every Monday stating "according to our parenting plan, you are to have d on Sunday (or Saturday)  this week, November whatever. "  Does your decree include any time frame for changes or substitutions?

Then if he calls you, tell him, "If you are calling about time with our daughter, please put it in an email.  I do not wish to talk to you about this on the phone or in person."  That's going to be very, very, very hard for you, K. 

I think you should just stick to your guns and let him come "with a cop".  But make sure the dates are documented.  I think the vagueness of "alternating Sundays and Saturdays" is a problem.  Write a schedule with specific dates and send him a copy and send copies to both attorneys.

[spinning]

I'm sorry for your pain both physical and caused by this bozo.

How about figuring out which days are scheduled and emailing him a set schedule? Put it in black and white so it's clear and no room for error. Copy to attorneys if you think it's necessary. A schedule doesn't mean he'll follow it (our UBPD thinks the court order is rules for us only to follow) but it's worth a shot to keep things clear. I do suggest emails only as contact to prevent this kind of vagueness when he tries to stir the pot.

If I understand your post correctly, tomorrow is his day and Sunday is not. So let him bring a cop. Have the order ready for presentation and a list of days. He'll only succeed to annoy the cop because it will be clear that you have it right.

If your agreement states days, does it state anything about vacations? If not, it might be worthwhile to return to court to get that straightened out. I do know the cost of it all, we're in teh same boat--our attorney gets paid regularly just like the mortgage. But what price peace of mind?

Good luck

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[kkce967]

I realized that there wasn't a clause in the agreement about what should happen to the schedule the following weekend should he cancel his scheduled day. If he cancels his scheduled day, it is just that...cancelled. I have no obligation to offer him a subtitution. I have to call my attorney regarding some issues with the child support order Monday morning anyhow so I'll have to eat the cost and come up with something. He does have to call no later than 48 hours in advance to confirm the schedule for the week (which is Tuesday since he has visits on Thursday). If he fails to call and confirm the schedule, the visits are null and void for the week and I am held harmless. He of course, did not call me to confirm the schedule this week at all and if I had been really hard nosed, could have told him to go home last night when he showed up for D. My ex asked for no vacation time so there isn't any for him in the agreement. However, I have sole custody. I don't see how he can prohibit me from taking D and my other children for a vacation. My ex hubby and I had nothing in our divorce regarding my vacations either. He was allowed to take them 2 weeks a year for a vacation but as far as I could tell, there were no limits on my vacations. I just simply told him when I'd be out of town.

I decided to have her ready for her visit tomorrow at 9am. If he should show up on Sunday with a cop, he really has no proof that I'm in violation of the agreement whatsoever. No one is prohibiting his visitation. He just seems to believe tomorrow is inconvenient and is throwing a tantrum. I asserted myself  this time and said, it isn't about what is convenient for you. Him being a narcissist believes I'm pining for him now that hes moved in with someone else stupid enough to date him. Frankly, it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with me trying to regain some control over my house, my life and my child. But once again, I let him shake me up. Putting everything in writing is a good idea and after happygirl accomplished that with the Ho's, I thought now that would be nice in my world as well. However, him being him...

I really do have a blessed life though things kinda suck at the moment. I love my kids to death. I have my own house. I have a good job. I have great friends. The past 6 months have been difficult for me between him and the cancer diagnosis but even there I was blessed. The surgery went REALLY well and the care I have through the University of Chicago is top rate. I have to keep an eye out to make sure the darn thing doesn't grow back but there was no spread and recovery will be total. It's just this one little thing that I cant seem to get to a dull roar. I am stronger than him and I know it. This just shouldn't be so hard for me.

Thanks!
Kathy

[happygirl]

Frankly, it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with me trying to regain some control over my house, my life and my child. But once again, I let him shake me up. Putting everything in writing is a good idea and after happygirl accomplished that with the Ho's, I thought now that would be nice in my world as well. However, him being him...

It sounds like you have reviewed the agreement and are fully compliant with it.  I also feel like he is going to bully, rage and threaten and indeed may show up with the police.

It is disconcerting to say the least and doesn't feel good.  Have your agreement out, highlight the information you need to show them.  Have a calendar ready with pertinent information written on it (when he missed, didn't call, etc).

If they show up , be polite and disarming, reaffirm dad's right to see the kids as per agreement but also affirm the necessity of him complying for child's sake.

IN the end, they will more than likely say that this is a civil matter and that will be that.  Rarely have I seen them force kids to go or take kids out of the home. 

Be prepared for him to say horrible things a nd ignore it all.  Unfortunately, my many contacts with the police have lead to this understanding that they really don't want to be there any more than you want them there.  Don't be put off if they give you attitude to begin with as he will have told them his woe is me story about the butt exw who wont let him see his kid.  that is why having the visuals are critical, they can focus on paperwork, calendars and stuff and it gives them time to make the transition more to the middle.

Don't talk while they are reviewing the information, just let them look at it and take it in, these guys all process at different rates, some are visual and others are more auditory, let them ask the questions, give them only the bare amount of information.

don't let them bully you into making a decision so that they are not uncomfortable, I had that happen once.  Your decision is based on the agreement and the consistency is needed, stay secure in that idea alone.

If the cop does a good job of referreeing, I send a letter to his superior officer, always note the name and entity he/she works for.  I let them know what a fine job he has done and the circumstances surrounding it.  Shameless manipulation?  You bet but as the exw of a cop, a few attaboys go a longs ways to paving the road to goodwill and it is a sucky job with very few rewards.

The beginnings of setting these kinds of boundaries are hard because it doesn't feel good and you and I are the kinds who hate confrontation.  But it is the right thing to do, friend.

And you need to call him on this crap, if he is going to threaten to call the police, tell him to bring the cavalry because you are done caving to his threats.

HG

[kkce967]

No calvary. No cops. No nothing. He showed up this morning at 9am and as I indicated, D was ready to go. He had a huge scowl on his face and I let my P's deal with the bozo. I can't get down the stairs anyway. D. was upset because she didn't want to go with him. She wanted to go to her sitters house and had a slight hissy when he showed up.

Of course there was no callback last night indicating what his intentions were. His attorney didn't call me to give me a verbal spanking HA HA. I doubt seriously a judge is going to listen to his woeful tale of how he can't pay child support if he has to have Saturday visitations. But, for the moment, the hornets are not stirring. Who knows what drama and chaos will ensue next.

I cant help thinking how much this would have hurt our daughter had she been old enough to understand.

Has anyone ever felt guilty for the bad choice we made in a parent for our children? I watched my older two go through this for many years before their father just up and disappeared from the picture. I saw their pain. I felt their pain and I was so angry with myself for giving them such a deadbeat for a dad. They have grown to be healthy and well adjusted pre-teens but it was a lot of work making sure that they were OK and did not feel responsible or hurt by their fathers choices.  Watching this happen with my youngest tears me apart.