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[BPDFamily]

Members:  please help us keep the resources section running smoothly!

We ask that you put all your articles, links and other contributions for the Resource board here - as a temporary home.    Once a week or so, someone from the moderating team will come in and move your contributions to the appropriate category, and a permanent home!

Thanks in advance for helping us to build a strong resource center for all the membership to use and enjoy!

[aames]

Interesting article on how men's gender can sometimes stand in the way of them seeking out therapy:  and what psychologists can do about it.

http://www.apa.org/monitor/jun05/hooked.html

[Theireyeswerewatching]

Emotional Incest = Sexuality Abuse

"Emotional incest is a violation and invasion of our emotional boundaries.  It is not sexual abuse, nor is it sexual in nature - although sexual incest is often accompanied by emotional incest.  It can however cause great damage to our relationship with our own gender and sexuality.  Emotional incest, along with religions that teach that sexuality is shameful and societal beliefs that one gender is superior to the other, fall into a category that I call sexuality abuse - because they directly impact our relationship with our own sexuality and gender."

"Those of us who have emotional incest issues, feel responsible for the feelings of the people we get involved with in romantic relationships because we felt responsible in childhood for one or both of our parents emotional well being.  Because our emotional boundaries were violated by our parents in childhood, we don't know how to have emotional boundaries in intimate relationship."

"If we are incapable of respecting our self, or having boundaries, we are incapable of getting our sexual needs met in any healthy way.  Often people with emotional incest issues will have a pattern of being sexual with people they don't even like - because being sexual with someone they feel close to emotionally feels wrong, feels taboo.  Emotional incest can have a very detrimental effect on a person's relationship to their own sexuality - and on their ability to have a healthy romantic relationship."

http://joy2meu.com/emotional_incest.htm

[Theireyeswerewatching]

Parental Alienation Syndrome

By Lynn M. Swank

When nuclear families fail to form or are later split apart after the birth of a child,  often the adults involved become less parents than they are ‘ex-lovers to each other. Ex-lovers can be friends. They can be enemies. They can be strangers. However, if these things happen while they are also trying to be parents,  then relationships can twist.

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a recognized psychiatric diagnosis of a condition created in a child when certain behaviors occur to that child. Many therapists are comfortable with information about this situation and others are not. The concept was first publicized by Dr. Richard Gardner in his book 'The Parental Alienation Syndrome' and has in the last decade been explored in courtrooms all across the United States. The very existence of the syndrome is debated by some mental health professionals but not by family law attorneys who see it in action on a daily basis. 

Parental Alienation Syndrome is the systematic action by one parent (usually the custodial parent) against the other with the intention of alienating the child against that other parent. That alienation often includes not just the other parent but often includes his or her family and friends as well. The objective of this conduct is generally to diminish the role of the non-custodial parent or even eliminate him or her from the life of the child.  For purposes of this discussion, the custodial parent will be referred to as female and the non-custodial as male because this is true in the vast majority of cases,  however,  males  may engage in parental alienation conduct as well.

The essence of PAS is that the children are not aware that they are being influenced. They may  vocally reject their fathers and argue that Mom had nothing to do with their choice. The mother may publicly swear to all who will listen that she wants the father to have a strong role with the child but then her actions make that relationship impossible. 

The child is told by the mother that she wants him or her to make their own decision about interaction with the father. Regardless of the age,  the mother may offer the child choices about their activities, while making it clear to the child in non-verbal mannerisms that she will be displeased if the answer is not in her favor. After a time of this manipulation, the child may not understand the reasons for his decision,  merely that life is much easier if he doesnt make mother upset. And then, over time,  the child may actually believe that it was his own decision not to see his father or that the father was responsible for the lack of visits.

Does Parental Alienation have an impact on custody determinations made in Court? Definitely.  In the United States,  particularly Georgia, children have some input on the selection of their custodial parent. There is no right to a binding selection[1] until the child reaches the age of fourteen years, but as of July 1, 2000,  children as young as age eleven in Georgia have the right to express their opinion to the Court and have it given consideration. More importantly, when a child is allowed to speak up, other siblings in the family may be included in that elder childs choice because there is a strong inclination to keep sibling groups together. If the older child shifts then other children may be pulled along as well.

When the adults are in emotional turmoil they may be suffering medical depression, anger, aggression and stress related to economic survival. The Custodial parent  may unintentionally extend these behaviors into the relationship with the child,  withdrawing love, affectionate touching, and playfulness. The explanation given to the child is that ‘mommy is tired,  there are so many problems which have been caused by daddy.  Normal family life is not possible. The child begins to see the father as the reason for all problems,  regardless of the true source. The child may be asked pointed questions after each visit with the father, and innocent comments by the child may be evolved by the custodial parent into stories of physical abuse,  inappropriate sexual behavior, or  neglect. For example,  a child of five is not able to recite to the mother what he had for lunch while visiting with the father. The mother later tells a neighbor that the father did not feed the child all day. After hearing that story three or four times, the child believes that he was not given lunch at all and that his father did not care if he went hungry.

Children in divorce or separated situations have often lost their sense of stability. One parent is gone. If they are not careful the other may disappear as well. The child tends naturally to align with the parent who had control of their physical well-being most of the time.  Add to that  issues of bribery by the custodial mom, threats of punishment,  and general discomfort in the home when mom is sulking because the child had a good time speaking with dad on the phone – these are potent reasons why the child must keep the more prominent parent happy.

If you are the non-custodial parent or relative, you should begin to document  alienation  conduct as soon as you perceive the existence. Keep a journal or calendar of events.

http://www.swanklaw.com/parental_alienation.htm

[Theireyeswerewatching]

Building Parenting Skills

Parents have the most important job in the world. There is nothing we do in our lifetimes that is more significant than how we raise our children. Its a challenging, full-time job that lasts throughout our lives, no matter how old our children get. While parenting presents us with struggles and trials, it also offers us many rewards. Those rewards, too, can last through our lives.

Parenting is not only vital to our present, but also to our future since our children will likely become parents themselves. Raising children is an adventure, full of surprises and changes. It will help you to read and learn all you can about how to cope with the struggles and trials. At the same time, you can learn to be aware of and enjoy the many rewards.

Helpful links:

Adventures in Parenting Link to PDF File (National Institute of Child Health and Human Development)
Parenting.org (a service of Girls and Boys Town)
 
http://www.babymilk.com/parenting/parenting_skills.htm

[Theireyeswerewatching]

Overcoming Self Consciousness

Easy and Practical Self confidence tips

Everybody needs a confidence boost sometimes, so here are a few tips...

These self confidence tips come from Roger Elliott, who runs courses and a website dedicated to building self confidence. You can subscribe to his famous free self confidence course here.]

1) Feel Good when you Want

When you need to boost your self confidence or self esteem, find 3 things that make you feel good. These could be memories of good times, a piece of music, a holiday souvenir, or a person's face - use photos if it helps. Practise thinking about them and bringing them to mind.

Developing self confidence that lasts - because of the way emotions 'attach' themselves to memories, you will quickly train yourself to feel good when you want - a great help.

2) Beat Self Consciousness

Self consciousness is the No.1 enemy of self confidence. Learn how to keep your attention off yourself. You can do this easily by following these steps...

a) If you notice you have become self-conscious, (you can usually tell because you start to feel anxious), choose something 'everyday' you can see and study it in detail. For example: examine a door, look at the different textures and shades of colour, wonder about who made it and how and so on. The important thing is that you're learning how to keep your attention off yourself.

b) If you feel self-conscious in a social situation, it's usually because you don't have enough to do! Focus on what your purpose in the situation is. Whether you're there to:

find out if you like the other people in the situation
make others feel comfortable
find out some information
make business contacts
and so on...
It's easy to feel self-conscious if you have nothing to do, and much more difficult if your attention is occupied by a task.

Think how comfortable you have been with others when you're all working toward a common goal. The common goal of socialising could be making friends, it could be the exchange of mutually beneficial information, it could be whatever you want it to be!

3) Don't Take Undue Criticism - Even From Yourself !

Challenge your own assumptions. Here's a few to get you started:

a) Confident-looking people have bad moments too.

b) Just because you feel under-confident, doesn't mean other people can tell.

c) If you're saying things to yourself like "You're no good at anything" then rest assured, you're wrong. Everyone can compose a sentence, get successfully to the store, eat without choking. Don't let yourself make sweeping statements about yourself - in the long run it is this sort of thing that can really damage your self image.

Building self esteem is not just about thinking good of yourself, it's about not thinking bad for no reason!

d) Just because you have felt bad about yourself in the past doesn't mean you're always going to feel that way. I have seen hundreds of people surprise themselves once they have learned how to build self confidence in a way that it stays built!

e) Learn how to develop your self confidence by following the tips from this site and the free Self Confidence Course and notice the small differences as they happen. Persevere and don't expect everything at once. Beating low self esteem is a wonderful thing, and it's much easier than you'd imagine.

Thanks for the Course!

"Many thanks for providing this excellent course for free - it was very helpful. It has shown me that by putting a small amount of effort in increasing my self confidence the rewards are great!"

Deepraj Puri, University of Kent, Canterbury, UK.

sign up here!

http://www.more-selfesteem.com/self_confidence_tips.htm

[Theireyeswerewatching]

Overcoming Shame

By definition, SHAME is a deep sense of inferiority. Feelings of inferiority can result from prolonged patterns of failure, or they can stem from only one or two haunting instances. Either way, they can destroy our SELF-WORTH, and as a result, adversely affect our emotions and behavior. These perceptions of ourselves aren't easily altered, but they CAN change through honesty, the affirmation of others, the truth of God's Word, the power and encouragement of the Holy Spirit, and time.

Precisely because of CHRIST'S REDEMPTION, we are worthy, forgiven, loved, accepted, and COMPLETE IN HIM!

Yet shame can have powerful effects on our esteem IF WE FAIL TO ACCEPT THIS TRUTH. It can manifest itself in many ways, aside from the INFERIORITY just mentioned. Drawing from my own experience and counseling sessions, the following is a general list of the common problems we might experience with shame:
 
1. HABITUALLY DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR.

We often behave in a manner that is consistent with our perception of ourselves. Therefore, seeing ourselves through the eyes of shame instead of through the loving eyes of God usually results in a pessimistic outlook on life and a lifestyle of destructive behavior.
 
2. SELF-PITY.

Shame often prompts us to view ourselves as victims. Consequently, whether we blame others or condemn ourselves for our actions, we sink into the depths of feeling sorry for ourselves.
 
3. PASSIVITY.

Some of us try to compensate for gnawing feelings of shame through passivity, refusing to invest any part of ourselves in relationships and responsibilities. We may be compulsive perfectionists in some areas of our lives, but may avoid taking risks in relationships or circumstances. We may tend to become engrossed in "sidetracking" activities (clipping coupons, cleaning the garage, filing papers, reading magazines, woodworking, etc.) so that we are "too busy" to experience the reality of developing a RELATIONSHIP with God and others. We need to take RESPONSIBILITY for our behavior. Passivity is the characteristic that can push us over the edge into near-commitment to sexual idolatry.

4. ISOLATION AND WITHDRAWAL.

Isolation is often a corollary of passivity. Avoiding both the risks of rejection and failure, some of us WITHDRAW from virtually ALL meaningful interaction. We develop masks, sot hat nobody can see our hurt. We may be socially active, but may not allow anyone to get really close to us. We are often afraid that if people REALLY knew us, we would again experience hurt and rejection. Our deep sense of shame leads us to withdraw from others, feel isolated, and experience the pain of loneliness.
 
5. LOSS OF CREATIVITY.

When we are ashamed of ourselves over an extended period of time, the cutting edge of our creativity wilts. We tend to become so preoccupied with our own inferiority that we are unable to come up with new ideas. Often believing that whatever we attempt will fail, we may choose to avoid doing anything that isn't a proven success and relatively risk-free.

In my own case, however, the opposite effect took place. Apparently I USED my inherent creativity to CREATE a mask that made me APPEAR to be "wonderfully creative" ... director of school plays, director of church musical, published poet, blah, blah, blah. It was all abuse of what Christ had given me ... I just distorted it to cover up my shame instead of allowing him to free me.
 
6. CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS.

In an attempt to overcome their sense of shame, many people become CODEPENDENT; that is, they depend on being NEEDED by a family member or friend who has an addictive problem or compulsion. Codependents thus develop a need to "rescue" and take care of others. This caretaking is the codependent's subconscious way of trying to gain personal significance. Such attempts usually backfire, however, because dependent persons often USE SHAME to manipulate the codependent.

A frequent ploy is to tell the codependent that he or she is being "selfish" for taking care of personal affairs rather than those of the dependent person. This locks the codependent into a hopeless pattern of "rescuing" to gain approval and feeling ashamed because of his or her inability to develop a sense of personal value, regardless of how hard he or she tries to do so.

7. DESPISING OUR APPEARANCE.

Beauty is highly valued in our society. Hollywood, television commercials and programs, magazine ads and billboards, the Internet - they all convey the message that PHYSICAL BEAUTY is to be prized. But very few of us compare to the beautiful people we see in these ads and programs, and most of us are ashamed of at least one aspect of my appearance.

We might spend hundreds of dollars and an inestimable amount of time and worry covering up or altering our skin, eyes, teeth, faces, noses, thighs, and scalps, refusing to believe that GOD, in his sovereignty and love, gave us the features he wants us to have. Does this truth begin to open your heart to some self-love?

For years I refused to look at myself in the reflection of store windows and even mirrors.

http://freeinchrist.truepath.com/manna/S5.htm

[Theireyeswerewatching]

The Quandary of Mental Illness Stigma

Written by Kathi Stringer

August 20, 2003

Can the phrase ‘mental illness be de-stigmatized?  We have seen the natural progression that  “mental illness” equates to “mental sickness,” and sickness when associated with ‘mental is instantly stigmatized and can immediately become an insult, “Man, you are one SICK puppy!”  Now we see the dilemma, how can the mentally ill distance themselves from “the SICK puppies?”  They cant.  Not until they distance themselves from the word “sick.” History offers an import lesson on this futile effort.  Before I discuss this further, let us examine the natural flow of the early generational views of language as the decades sailed by.

Idiot.  What if people began wearing a button that said, “Stop the stigma of being an Idiot?”  And, what if there was a massive organized movement that exposed the film industry and contemporary literature as agents that are stigmatizing the mentally challenged individual with the inappropriate use of  “idiot” as a demeaning adjective?   Suppose the mission of the organization was to de-stigmatize the idiot, the imbecile and the moron.  Do you think a movement like this could be successful?  Could ‘idiot be clarified and resigned its original meaning without insulting the mentally challenged with a renewed association that was lost over time?  Further, would be possible that the mentally challenged and their loved ones would embrace such a crusade? Or rather, it would be likely they would try and put distance between the word and its meaning?  Before answering these questions, lets examine the formation of stigma.

In 1940 it was proper to refer to the “mental deficient” as the idiot, the imbecile and the moron.  A textbook titled “Psychiatry for Nurses” by Karnosh and Gage (1940) carefully instructs the student the correct classifications that have evolved into todays insult.  Below is a direct quote from Psychiatry of Nurses (1940 - p. 237.)

“Types of Mental Deficiency

Idiot

The idiot is one whose mental capacity is below the third-year level; they are clumsy, awkward, untidy and require constant supervision in the performance of the simplest requirement of living.  Most idiots learn a few simple words but rarely learn to talk intelligently.

Imbecile

The imbecile may attain a mental level of six or seven years.  Imbeciles can generally talk with a very crude vocabulary, can be taught simple manual tasks.

Moron

The moron ranges in mental accomplishment between the eighty-year level and the lower adult normal which is ordinarily reached at about the fifteenth year.  Constituting more than 80 percent of all forms of mental defect, the morons are one of the serious problems of modern times.  Having no gross physical defects, they present themselves as a shiftless, unstable group which gravitates to the lowest level of manual labor and social activity.  Out of this class are the recruited, the petty criminal, the prostitute, and the neer-do-well.”

In 1940 the idiot, the imbecile and the moron were terms that were classifications, and were not meant to stigmatize the individual.  However, through the generational shift these terms were adapted as an insult to the “normal” public that did not apply themselves, or to basically devalue a person.  The terms became so stigmatized that the mentally challenged and their loved ones divorced themselves from these expressions and advocated they are not politically correct.  With effort, a new association emerged away from the idiot, imbecile and moron, and mental retardation (mild, moderate and severe) replaced the classification of these stigmatizing terms.

This is an important paradigm to examine when facing the prospect of destigmatizing a word imbued with devaluation.  For example, the post idiots, imbeciles and morons did not wear a button stating, “Im proud to be an idiot” or “Stop the stigma of idiots.”  They did not rally in masses at public parks, or stop people on the streets to explain that they are ‘idiots and educate the public that they are harmless.  Rather, they removed themselves from any association of the words, and quickly.   Now shifting from the idiot to mentally ill, how is it possible to reassign a new meaning that is politically correct for the mentally ill?  How will the mentally ill divorce themselves from the ‘sick puppies?”   I suggest these questions are certainly worth considering since the mentally challenged used considerable intelligence to walk away from heavily stigmatized labels.  The question now is, “Can the mentally ill do the same?”  How much money and energy will be invested until we look for other less stigmatized terms?  Consider the difference: “I am mentally ill” or “I have a chemical imbalance.” 

Stigma Soup

The chef that cooked up ‘mentally ill managed to make it a concoction that encompassed the reach of every synaptic threat against mankind, financially or dangerously.  For example, the severely depressed is in the same stew as the pathological serial killer.  We may see on the news wire, “A mentally ill pathological serial killer was found and arrested today in the wake of dozens of roadside murders” and in the same breath “…and in another local city a mentally ill woman perched high on a bridge stalled traffic until a crisis team was able to calm her and talk her down.”  The viewer of course, is introduced to the impression that the mentally ill is in the same pot as the poisoned serial killer.  And, according to the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM), the psychiatrist handbook for assessments, that would be correct.

Physical Illness

Physical illnesses are usually addressed as a ‘medical problem and respectfully accepted as scientific in nature.  These illnesses include cancer, cardiovascular complications and diabetes.   There is much less stigma associated with physical illness.  For example, we do not usually hear, “A physically ill serial killer was arrested today…” A physical illness tends to generate empathy and understanding rather than caution and avoidance.

Personality Disorders (not to be confused with deranged)
This is another interesting and confusing label.  ‘Disordered suggests a defective personality structure at birth, when in fact may be very much ‘ordered in direct relation to the environment.  I am suggesting the environment was disordered and the personality adapted to survive (effective).  For every environmental ZIG, the surviving personality had to adapt and ZAG.  The weaker and non-adaptive personalities (disordered) perished.

Authors and theorists, Otto Kernberg M.D. and Vamik Volkan M.D., to their credit realized the stigma of ‘disorder and referred to the DSMs Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as Borderline Personality Organization.  This rings appropriate since the personality had to ‘organize defenses to survive.  Those defenses are largely the result of a healthy response based on available and age appropriate resources at the time.  The personality that is actually ‘highly ordered as a survival defense, is now stigmatized as disordered and lumped in with the serial killers as ‘mental illness.  This categorical approach appears to put surviving personality as risk for stigma – a failure based approach.

Another interesting contradiction is that “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder” (PTSD) is NOT viewed as a personality disorder but for the most part as a ‘natural and accepted response to a harmful environment, UNLIKE the closely related and stigma tagged survivor diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

DSM & Mental Illness

It is interesting that ‘mental doctors, authors of the 943-page handbook titled “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” were also ambivalent about the books title.  They anticipated that the word ‘mental could have far reaching implications and this dilemma perplexed them as well.  Yet, for the lack of more suitable word, ‘mental was adapted into the books official title.

The adaptation of ‘mental is problematic because the brain is an organ (physical), and the mind (mental) is a complex of psych structures that are developed through life experiences.  The brain is an organ with tissue as are other organs within the body. A statement that suggests the ‘brain is the ‘mind muddies the waters.  Mental illness invites stigma that arises when the depressed individual (physical brain illness) is lumped into the serial killer psychopath (mental derangement).  Is it any wonder the prefix “mental” is alarming?

Until advocates for the chemical imbalanced, i.e. bipolar, depression and schizophrenia (brain diseases) take a hard look at what is getting thrown into the same mixing pot with the (serial killers and child molesters), there is little or no chance to lift the stigma around “mental illness” as a brain disease.  This is similar to a metaphor of mixing a few drops of red food coloring (serial killers) into a pot of water.  The entire lot is now ‘colored as the mentally deranged.  For example, it is highly unlikely that most parents would feel comfortable living next to a ‘mental person that is identified in the same line-up as the child molester.

Seventy-five years ago it was perfectly acceptable for a straight man to say, “I feel so gay today!”   However, not likely nowadays!
 

Perhaps until there is a hard look at exploitation of ‘mental (DSM) that blankets across diseased brains, (dis)organized minds AND deranged minds, the stigma will remain.

Perhaps “mental” people and their advocates could learn a lot from the idiot, the imbecile and the moron.  Only time will tell.

http://www.toddlertime.com/stigma-dsm.htm

[Theireyeswerewatching]

A black woman faces a child's mental illness

Reviewed by Amy Westervelt

Sunday, July 31, 2005

"It's hard enough being black, please don't add crazy." So says the mother of a schizophrenic black man halfway through Bebe Moore Campbell's new novel, "72 Hour Hold," summarizing the central message of the book. It's a well-delivered message, and one that needs to be heard:

From HIV and AIDS to mental illness, it is difficult to get the African American community to talk openly about health issues they fear will be seen as a weakness or flaw.

Group therapy and support sessions are a luxury afforded to those who make up the majority in society. Many members of minority groups fear that sitting around and talking about problems will just give society another excuse for racism. Obviously that fear was not created in a vacuum. As Campbell illustrates, people in general, and the authorities in particular, are more likely to try to reason with or subdue a white woman in a manic state than they are to calm down a crazy black man screaming curses in the street.

Because of this, these illnesses can come with an even greater stigma in minority communities than they do in the rest of society, leaving parents of the mentally ill, like Keri, the heroine of Campbell's novel, feeling the pangs of guilt perhaps even more than their white counterparts. The solution to this, of course, is to build up a network of people who share similar problems within the community, which Keri slowly does.

The story of Keri Whitmore and her bipolar daughter, Trina, exposes not only the pain and sheer frustration of mental illness for anyone of any color but also the social implications of dealing with mental illness as a black woman in the United States. This is not to say that the story is relevant only to African American women. On the contrary, it's a tightly woven, well-written story about mothers and daughters, highs and lows, ex-husbands and boyfriends, and how a "perfect" life can be completely altered by something entirely beyond our control. The only fly in the ointment is an extended, sometimes clunky, metaphor that compares mental illness to slavery. The comparison is valid -- like slavery, mental illness is something that is hard to escape, it tracks those who try to run and pulls them back, it can make people appear less than human, it sentences people to a lifetime of captivity, and it leaves its victims and those around them with an undue sense of shame.

So the metaphor works, it's just that by the end of the novel you feel a bit beaten over the head with it. At times Campbell pulls the story back to her overarching metaphor in awkward places, breaking the pace of a gripping tale. Her readers want to know whether Trina is going to keep taking her medication, or if she's going to flip out again and accuse her mom of murdering her real mother. They want to know if Keri is going to get back together with her boyfriend, if she'll be able to convince Trina's ultra- conservative dad that his daughter has an illness that needs to be treated with more than just a good night's sleep, and if the former drug addict call girl who works in Keri's shop will stay on the straight and narrow. What they get instead is a two-page comparison between the psychiatrist trying to help Keri's daughter and Harriet Tubman.

Metaphors, race and the mental health system aside, "72 Hour Hold" is more about the mother-daughter relationship than anything else. Keri is racked with guilt over her daughter's illness. What did I do? Why couldn't I stop drinking coffee when I was pregnant ... did that cause this? Should I have spent more time with her as a child? She is willing to do absolutely anything she can to help Trina, and she never gives up on the dreams she had for her daughter when she was a perfectly normal, straight-A student, popular high school girl. Even in the midst of Trina's craziest antics, Keri talks about her getting ready to attend Brown University in the fall. She refuses to change her expectations or, as a handful of doctors tell her when Trina's at her worst, "learn to love a stranger."

The story is told from Keri's perspective, so it's not meant to be one of those crawl-inside-the-head-of-a-crazy-person sorts of books. Through Keri's eyes it's easy for us to see how disappointing the ups and downs must be, how frustrating the mental health system is, how painful it is to watch someone you love be tormented, how hard it is to be understanding when you become the focus of their psychosis-fueled rage -- and how impossible it is to see your perfect baby girl as the local crazy woman who needs to be locked up. Campbell's clearly trying to make a few specific points, but while doing so she's created a story that is universally touching.

Amy Westervelt is a San Francisco writer.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/07/31/RVG3LDQVSV1.DTL

[Theireyeswerewatching]

Love Addiction Part One - The Problem

Healthy romantic love is a unique experience which can encourage bonding, intimacy and the opportunity to play and explore with that special new person.

Romance, with or without sex, encourages personal growth as each new relationship forces new insights and self knowledge. The beginning stages of a potential love relationship can be intense and exciting. Most people easily relate to that "rush" of first love and romance; the stuff of songs, endless greeting cards and warm memories. Healthy intimacy, however, is characterized by more than romance, intensity and sex. Intimacy evolves over time. Loving relationships develop partially through utilizing those first exhilarating times to begin to build a bridge toward deeper, longer term closeness.

It can be difficult for anyone who is not a love or sex addict to understand how love or sexuality can be exploited or evolve into destructive patterns of addiction and compulsion. Yet for the Love and Sex Addict, romantic love, sexuality and the closeness they offer, are experiences most often filled with pitfalls, anxiety and pain. Living in a sometimes chaotic emotional world of desperation and despair, fearful of being alone or rejected, the Love Addict endlessly longs for that "special" relationship.

Caught up in the constant search for a partner, the addict's endless intrigue, flirtations, sexual liaisons and affairs, leave a path of destruction and negative consequences in their wake of his or her behavior. Ironically, the Love or Relationship usually has few options to resolve these painful circumstances except by engaging in even more searching, creating an escalating cycle of desperation and loss. Just when seemingly "safe" in the rush of a new romantic affair or liaison the troubled Love or Sex Addict grows steadily more unhappy, fearful and bored and ends up pushing their partner away or looking outside the relationship for yet another new intensity or "love" experience.

Thus the cycle begins anew.

Unlike the healthy person seeking partnership and sex as a complement to their life, the Love and Sex Addict searches for something outside of themselves (a person, relationship or experience) which will provide them with the emotional and life stability that they themselves lack. Similar to a drug addict or alcoholic, love and sex addicts use their arousing romantic/sexual experiences in an attempt to "fix" themselves and remain emotionally stable.

When love and sexuality are used as a way to cope, rather than a way to grow and share, partner choice becomes skewed. Compatibility becomes based on "whether or not you will leave me", "how intense our sex life is" or "how I can hook you into staying", rather than on whether you might truly become a peer, friend and companion.

Addictive relationships are characterized over time by unhealthy dependency, guilt and abuse. Convinced of their lack of worth and not feeling truly lovable, Love and Sex Addicts will use seduction, control, guilt and manipulation to attract and hold onto romantic partners. At times, despairing of this cycle of unhappy affairs, broken relationships and sexual liaisons, some Love or Sex Addicts may have "swearing off" periods (like the bulimic/anorexic cycles of overeaters). The addict believes that just "not being in the game" will solve the problem; only to later find the same issues reappearing when they re-engage in any type of potential intimacy.

Typical Signs of Love or Sex Addiction Include:

Constantly seeking a sexual partner, new romance or significant other
An inability or difficulty in being alone
Consistently choosing partners who are abusive or emotionally unavailable
Using sex, seduction and intrigue to "hook" or hold onto a partner
Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions
Missing out on important family, career or social experiences in order to maintain a sexual high or romantic relationship
When in a relationship, being detached or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone
Avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time to "solve the problem".
An inability to leave unhealthy relationships despite repeated promises to self or others
Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others
Mistaking sexual experiences and romantic intensity for love

For a Love or Sex addict, the above signs or symptoms consist of pervasive patterns of emotional instability inevitably leading to isolation, heartache and loss. Not everyone who has engaged in one or two of the above has an addiction problem, many people may have their judgment skewed by a difficult person or situation from time to time in their lives. However, when these situations become the norm, lived over and over again in some form or another, the diagnosis can be made. Love and sex addicts who are not in recovery, like any addict, do not learn from their consequences and mistakes. It is only when the pain of these behaviors and situations becomes greater than the pain and challenges of creating change, that recovery begins.
 
Love Addiction: Part Two - Recovery

Much of the love addiction literature speaks to the love addicts' inability to live their lives without a relentless search for a partner in most any situation or experience. Upon reflection many recovering love addicts can relate to having used some strategy or another all of their lives in an attempt to find and keep sexual and romantic partners. One woman put it this way, " I never once went to a party without wondering who I could get a date with or get into bed, I always dressed for it and I always looked for it". Whether through revealing dress, flirtatious manner or seductive talk; the addict is always hunting and searching in one form or another to try to bring that special attention, intensity and arousal that the latest tryst or liaison can bring forth. One important part of the love and sex addicts' recovery process is recognition of those methods used to attract and manipulate others.

As the addict begins to consciously cast these aside, using the support of 12 step members, friends and often therapy; they come to learn their real human worth, lessening the need for superficial, sexualized attention.

In order for recovery from any addiction to take place, there must be a bottom-line definition of sobriety. For the alcoholic, this is a simple definition -- alcoholics and drug addicts define sobriety as the amount of time they have abstained from the use of alcohol and other mind-altering chemicals. Abstaining from the use of these substances is the recovering person's sobriety time. (E.g., "I stopped using drugs and alcohol in on June 15, 1987; therefore, I am over 10 years sober").

For the recovering Love or Sexual addict, however, sobriety can be a more challenging to define. Unlike sobriety from the use of substances, love or sexual sobriety is not usually considered to be complete abstinence from romantic relationships and sex, although recovering persons may use complete abstinence for short periods of time to gain personal perspective or address a particular issue. Love addiction and sexual sobriety is most often defined as a contract between the sexual addict and their 12-Step recovery support therapist or clergy. These sobriety contracts are best when written, and involve clearly defined, concrete behaviors from which the addict has committed to abstain in order to define sobriety.

Some relationship or sexual recovery plans have very strictly defined boundaries -- "No sexual activity of any kind outside of a committed marital relationship" could be one such defined boundary, "no sex without at least 30 days of dating", another. Sobriety can be delineated as abstinence from any romantic or sexual activity that causes the person to feel shameful, hold secrets or which is illegal or abusive to others. Personal definitions may change over time as the recovering person evolves in their understanding of the disease. An example of such a plan might be, "I am sober as long as I do not date anyone who is married or in another relationship, whom I would not introduce to friends, who is abusive, unresponsive or uncommunicative to me," or " I am sober as long as I do not engage in flirtation, intrigue or sexual seduction with strangers, have sexual or romantic liaisons with strangers or with anyone I have not known for at least 90 days." These types of definitions are always discussed with at least one other recovering person, therapist or clergy, and are not changed without thorough discussion and understanding.

The underlying motive for a concisely written plan of recovery, beyond a clear definition of unwanted specific sexual or romantic behavior, is to offer the addict an ongoing recovery reminder, even in the face of challenging circumstances. One characteristic of addiction, particularly for love addicts, is a difficulty in maintaining clear focus on personal beliefs, values and goals, when faced with situations which potentially involve intensity, arousal and stimulation. This is where the best of intentions, the pleas to be trusted "just one more time," and promises "to be good" go out the window. Without clearly defined boundaries, the love or sex addict is vulnerable to deciding "in the moment" what action is best for them. Unfortunately most addicts' "in the moment" decisions are not the ones which help them maintain their long term goals and values. A written plan helps to maintain a clear focus on recovery choices, regardless of situation or momentary motive.

As the love and sex addict recovers, they begin to discover themselves in new and unexpected ways. Time formerly put into flirtation and 'the hunt', now may go into family involvement and work. Creativity formerly used to seduce or attract now goes into hobbies, self-care and healthy relationship exploration. This self-redefinition allows the love and sex addict to have a much clearer understanding of healthy partnerships. As the single person begins to really recover and their self esteem and understanding improves, so does their choice of dating and romantic partners. No longer willing to take anyone who might have them or give him or her away, they begin to develop clear criteria (often written down) of the type of partners they wish to engage. Recovery for the coupled person brings a deeper understanding of their emotional needs and wants in their partnership, encouraging them to take more intimacy risks in their relationships. As hope and honesty slowly replace despair and superficiality, the recovery process brings about a deepening maturity and sense of choice that the addict may have never previously known.

Robert Weiss LCSW
Copyright 1998
By permission

http://www.findingstone.com/allkindsofstuff/couples/sexual.htm

[Theireyeswerewatching]

Looking For Love in All the Wrong Faces - By Susan Peabody

FALLING IN LOVE WITH AN UNAVAILABLE PERSON

Many love addicts find they have a history of falling in love with an unavailable person and they wonder why this keeps happening over and over again. The following is a list of the most common reasons love addicts keep falling into this trap.

Reminders of our first love: We are always attracted to people who remind us of our first love. If a person's first love was an absent or emotionally unavailable parent, then he or she is only attracted to unavailable people, and this is the only kind of person they pursue. They do this out of habit, despite the pain it will cause them later on.

Looking for the happy ending: Many love addicts are not only attracted to unavailable people, they choose them as partners in order to recreate the past and change the ending. They often become obsessed trying to gain, through their current partner, the love they never got as a child. They do this unconsciously over and over again. It is a form of insanity. It is their inner child forcing his or her will on them despite the painful consequences. (See Recovery section for more about the inner child.)

Miscalculations: Many love addicts do not choose an unavailable person. They just fall in love before they find out the person is unavailable. Then, out of stubbornness, and because they have become so dependent, they refuse to give up and move on.

Unrequited Love: Some love addicts can only fall in love with the person of their dreams. Since no such person really exists, they project their fantasies onto someone and then see in that person only what they want to see. These completely unavailable people are a good target for this kind of projection because the love addict never really gets to know them. They are always who the love addict wants them to be. Love addicts, who are also addicted to fantasizing, are drawn to the phenomenon of unrequited love.

Excitement: Chasing after someone who is unavailable can be exciting. It can really get the adrenalin going, not to mention the libido. Romance addicts often go after unavailable people because they are addicted to the chase.

Unconscious Fear of Intimacy: While love addicts consciously obsess about love, they often have an underlying fear of intimacy. Choosing to fall in love with someone who is unavailable (to one degree or another) is one way to avoid facing this fear.

BECOMING DEPENDENT ON AN ABUSIVE PARTNER

Many love addicts find themselves drawn into abusive relationships and do not understand why. The following is a list of the most common conscious and unconscious reasons love addicts fall into this trap:

Love is blind: Most love addicts fall in love or get married before they find out their partner is abusive. The abusive partner keeps this hidden until the trap is sprung. After the abuse starts, these love addicts continue to love their abuser. They tell themselves that they are just taking the good with the bad.

Dependency on the relationship: Other love addicts don't love their abuser, but they are dependent on the relationship, and they would rather suffer physical pain than endure the emotional pain of breaking up. They cannot tolerate separation anxiety.

Low self-esteem: Some love addicts have such low self-esteem that they don't think they deserve any better. So they just stick with it. They think this is better than nothing.

Abusive parents: Some love addicts had an abusive parent so this abuse is not out of the ordinary for them. It is seen as the norm. It may even be equated with love. An abusive parent can also be loving, so battered children grow up confusing love with abuse. This confusion becomes a distorted value which influences them as adults.

Neighborhood norm: To some love addicts abuse may seem ordinary because all of their friends are being abused as well. In some neighborhoods domestic violence is the norm. It may seem futile to try and change the status quo.

It's my fault: Some love addicts blame themselves rather than their partner. They are sure it is their own fault„Ÿthat they did something to provoke their partner. Sometimes they even think they deserve the abuse. They keep trying to change themselves so it won't happen anymore.

Gullibility: Some love addicts are gullible and don't learn from the past. They believe their partner when he or she says the abuse will never happen again. Like children, they cling to the fantasy that this person will change.

Sympathy: Many love addicts feel sorry for their partner when he or she asks for forgiveness. They know their partner is sick so they decide to take care of him or her rather than end the relationship. Caretakers are used to putting the needs of others before their own. This is misguided compassion.

Loyalty: When some love addicts make a commitment they feel they must be loyal no matter what„Ÿthat they have no right to change their mind. They feel guilty if they reject someone, even if that someone is abusing them. This is misguided loyalty.

Projecting one's fear of abandonment: Some love addicts project their fear of abandonment onto their partners. They are so afraid of being rejected themselves that they become overly empathetic. They feel their partner will suffer from the rejection and they cannot bear to see someone else suffer, even someone who hurts them.

Fear of revenge: Many love addicts are terrified of leaving an abusive partner because they fear revenge or because they are financially dependent on this person.

Martyr's complex: Some love addicts have a martyr's complex. They feel superior when they suffer in the name of love. They wear abuse like a badge of courage. In a twisted sort of way this actually elevates their self-esteem. Christians especially fall into this trap. They think that because Christ died on the cross for the sins of mankind that they should die on the cross for the sins of their partner. They should not. They are not Christ. Some Christians read in the Bible that "love bears all things" and they think that this includes abuse. I don't think it does. Non-Christians fall into this trap also. They listen to the song "Stand by your man," and they think it is romantic to stick with a relationship no matter what.

Self-pity: Some love addicts let people abuse them because they like feeling sorry for themselves. They like licking their own wounds. Their self-esteem is so low that they substitute self-pity for self-love. Then they become dependent on the self-pity and allow, or even promote, abuse to get a fix.

Making up: Some love addicts don't like being abused, but they like making up. For instance, when their partner is begging for forgiveness they feel superior and in control. They like the attention. They like the flowers and apologies, so they talk themselves into believing that these gestures of remorse actually make up for the abuse.

Negative attention: Many love addicts are so starved for attention that even negative attention will do. They might tell themselves that if he didn't love me so much he wouldn't be so angry. This is twisted thinking and can lead to trouble.

Sexual stimulation: Some love addicts find some aspects of abuse sexually stimulating, so they endure the pain to get the pleasure that follows.

WARNING

If having an abusive partner is a pattern, love addicts may have to face the fact that they have become addicted to the abuse„Ÿnot to their partners. The phenomenon of pain followed by pleasure can be especially addictive. One actually starts to believe that the only way to find pleasure is to suffer first.

Susan Peabody is the author of Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships and The Art of Changing: Your Path to a Better Life

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Peabody6.html

[lennic]

Paragraph to follow

[Theireyeswerewatching]

How To Overcome Jealousy and Stop being Jealous

As much as we'd like to disagree, we all have feelings of jealousy from time to time. Stepmoms often struggle with strong feelings of jealousy as they try to come to terms with all the people and relationships in their lives. It can be a terrifying experience.

Jealousy is a natural emotion, yet it's hard to understand, interpret and prevent in the unnatural situations created by stepfamilies. But there is a way to overcome it.

When you remarry and inherit someone else's children, and even if you think you're ready, you suddenly experience feelings you can't begin to understand. There is no preparation in your past for dealing with your husbands first wife and their children. It's a situation that is never planned or courted -- one day, it just *is* and there is no instruction manual. Base emotions kick in with a vengeance, and jealousy is a strong one.

Those feelings of jealousy are powerful. They will quickly overtake anything positive and do all kinds of harm to the stepmom and her family if they aren't dealt with swiftly and completely. For a plan of attack against this most destructive of enemies, try these steps:

First, don't be so hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. You can't overcome the feelings of jealousy if you continue to deny them because it's not what you want to feel. The feelings are natural, and you can deal with them when you acknowledge them.

If you're sometimes jealous of the time your husband spends with his kids, that's understandable. You've had no honeymoon period for your new marriage. You're forced to share what you worked so hard for -- instantly. It hurts a little now and then.

Maybe you're jealous of the financial security your husbands ex-wife has at his expense. That, too, is understandable. He's still giving to her and that hurts, even if it's for his children. It doesn't matter -- the feelings are the same.

You can't change these feelings until you give yourself time to understand them. Accept them and then choose to change them.

Accept the facts. Jealousy is an irrational emotion. It rules out of fear and insecurity and goes straight to your heart. It has no logic, but the pure, cold facts can deter it. It may sound like some sort of "tough love" speech, but to combat the feelings of jealousy means to simply fight them with logic.

Jealousy makes you want to change whatever is hurting you. Some things you can't change. Accept those facts. Accept that your husband will always be spending time with his kids. Accept that he must fulfill his obligation to his ex-wife because the courts say so. You didn't create those situations and you can't change them. Don't waste your time and energy on how things you can't control "should be" or what's "not fair" if there is nothing you can do about it.

Then soon, if your jealousy has no foundation to build on -- if you dismiss its arguments -- it will fade and you can move on to better things.

Replace the jealousy. While you've got the jealousy on the run, replace it with something else. There is only so much room in your heart for conflicting emotions -- sooner or later, one or the other will win out. You can be filled with jealousy and insecurity or acceptance and security. It's your choice.

When you stop focusing your mind on your husbands ex-wife's life and start focusing on how to best run your own, your heart will follow. When you stop worrying about the time your husband spends *apart* from you and start focusing on making the best of the time that he's *with* you, you'll be filled with hope and potential, not jealousy and regret. Choose to fill your heart and mind with work that builds the relationships between you and your husband and you and your stepchildren.

Jealousy keeps you down and in the past, always focusing on what you don't have. Look instead to the future that you can build and focus your energies on what you do have.
This marriage is a second chance to do so many things right. You can't do that if you're looking back. Unload the baggage of jealousy and look ahead to grow. It's the better choice.


Author unknown. Contributed by Donna (Snugglebunny).

http://www.steptogether.org/jealousy.html

http://sabryabdelfattah.tripod.com/docs/Othello.htm

[counter]

Hi Putting,

http://amac.usclargo.com/

Try posting in Un chosen.

My hands on your heart this Holiday season.

Counter

[CathB]

The following link will take you to a page that lists a lot great online resources (sites, books, etc).

http://www.survivingtothriving.org/link#survivorsites

There's over twenty sites, with short descriptions, listed. There are a couple of sites that are really helpful, understanding and supportive, that aren't listed, I'll go through my links and see what I can find for you.

[CathB]

Found them -

http://www.eyecatchers.com/survivors/

and

http://www.thisisawar.com/AbuseSex.htm

The first one is the better of the two.

[almondjoy]

I found this to be a fascinating article about the formation of the 'self'. It explains some of the profound challenges faced by children growing up in disordered families. Following are a few snippets. The entire article can be downloaded by clicking here: http://www.austenriggs.org/news/On_Curiosity_Intrap_38/

Please share your thoughts and comments.

On Curiosity: Intrapsychic and Interpersonal Boundary Formation in Family Life
EDWARD R. SHAPIRO, M.D.

In my research and clinical work with families in interaction, one trait stands out as a hallmark of psychological health. Its absence in pathological families is profound; its cultivation as an element of treatment is critical; and the reasons for its development, or lack of it, are perplexing. This element is interpersonal curiosity.

In my experience, families whose members manifest major character pathology demonstrate a striking lack of curiosity about one another. Instead, these family members are often extraordinarily certain that they know, understand, and can speak for the experience of other family members without further discussion or question. The infrequent attempts on the part of individuals within such a family to challenge this certainty are regularly met by bland denial, unshakable conviction, or platitudinous reassurance. Despite the fact that this pathological certainty is usually incorrect and frequently leads to stereotyped arguments and escalating disagreements within the family, it is difficult to interrupt. My various attempts to understand this phenomenon and its origins are the sources of this paper.

It is my impression that the capacities of the parent to tolerate ambivalence, ambiguity, and uncertainty, and to maintain a flexible open-mindedness in listening to the child's experience, are important elements in the child's healthy psychological growth and development. Parental openness, lack of premature closure, and continuing interest in the child's experience provide the opportunity for the child both to develop stable boundaries around himself and to maintain flexible interactions with others.

Although the parent's capacity for accurate empathy and the resultant ability to respond with confidence to the child's anxiety and confusion are essential stabilizing factors and important elements of good parental functioning, in many disturbed families premature parental certainty and so-called "understanding" of the child's experience can interfere with his development. This pathological quality of parental certainty provides a false support based more on unresolved needs of the parent than on an accurate understanding of the child. In the following, I will present data both from psychoanalysis and family treatment to illustrate the ways in which this pathological development of certainty about the experience of others, and the resultant lack of openness and curiosity, contribute to the subjective feelings of isolation, emptiness, and futility that dominate family life in these disturbed families.

The stifling nature of pathological certainty in family life is evident. Family members chronically exposed to such annihilating interactions develop stale, shallow, mechanical investments in themselves and in each other. Often the thin social veneer in these families is shattered by eruptions of violence, barely concealed contemptuousness, or flight from the family itself. These outbursts can be understood as defensive attempts to avoid the feelings of isolation and emptiness generated by the lack of depth and general nonresponsiveness of the family environment.

Individuals who have developed in such families are difficult to engage in a deepening analytic therapy. The risk of being prematurely "understood" by an overeager therapist too ready to find aspects of himself in his patient is great. It is, I think, a constant danger faced by those therapists who are ready to see themselves as "empathic" without corroborating evidence from the patient.

Premature or superficial understanding, like "words in an empty room," can make a patient feel intolerably alone.

[Kathy]

Thank you for sharing this article.  I found it very helpful--both as someone who grew up in a family that was pathological in the way the author describes, and as a parent.  It challenged me to truly listen to my children in an open ended way.  I want them to grow up knowing their feelings do matter and that they are separate individuals whose experiences and thoughts are worthy of respect.

I've often thought that one of the tragic legacies of unhealthy parenting is how hard it is for the child to grow up trusting their own perceptions.  It's something I still struggle with in middle age.  I hate that I always think that I'm to blame in a conflict or that I'm too sensitive or that maybe I haven't read a situation correctly.  I'm constantly asking myself, "Should I feel that way?" instead of accepting that my feelings are valid and paying attention to warning signals.

Kathy

[LAnn]

Hi almondjoy,

Thank you for the link!   So, this is what was happening at home!  In our family our input was encouraged in some decisions, but not welcome in our emotional development, especially in expressing our feelings that did not harmonize with preconceived views.  We kids were seen as "talking back" when we attempted to relate our feelings or even our thoughts or reasons for our behaviors.  Later, I looked back on my adolescent years as being mind-read, or even emotionally raped.  I was told how I felt.  I was told what I thought.  I wasn't asked how I felt or how I thought.  It was truly a frustrating and alienating experience.  It was like being shut down and shamed for attempts to communicate or express my inner experience.

I don't know the answer to your questions:  Some things I wonder about - How often does this 'certainty' happen unintentionally, say for example in a therapeutic or otherwise supportive setting? Are there common language patterns that are meant to express empathy which instead tend to alienate and squash a person's sense of self? What's a tactful way to express that this boundary has been crossed?

Looking back at my experiences with different T's some definitely have better ways of wording questions to elicit inner feelings and thoughts than others do.  They are more open, more receptive in eliciting responses, avoiding putting words into my experience without asking... "Is this what you feel..?"   Some T's are more interested and invested in their own ideas and thoughts; others are more focused on listening and validating; they even display more receptive body language. 

I think they display the "curiosity" the article describes.  They are genuinely interested and curious about my thoughts and feelings.  They don't jump to define or categorize it; rather if they have an insight they offer or suggest it and ask if this is true for me.  That reminds me too of a tactful way a person can express when a boundary has been crossed:  for example,  "I'm not sure that is true for me."  Or, "I think you are saying... x, y, z...  Can you clarify that?  It doesn't seem to fit in my experience."  Or more bluntly,  "I don't feel like I'm being heard; maybe I'm not expressing myself well.  Let me try again."

Finding a therapist that provides acceptance and a sense of safety is a challenging task ...since this is so intertwined in the therapeutic work I want to do:  In other words, some of my capacity to identify those needs as okay has been diminished after being stifled in childhood.  For instance, if I don't feel validated by a T, I might tend to stick with him or her anyway, not recognizing that I am seeking inner validation.  I may feel embarrassed or ashamed of the inner thought that I'm not being heard... thinking I'm just being "selfish" as I was told as a child.  Getting the courage to change therapists is a major breaking of the original taboo about wanting to be heard!   :P

I look forward to other thoughts about the ideas presented in this article.

[zuzu]

www.stresscenter.com

if you suffer from anxiety/panic/depression. Very helpful, especially if you've been infected with black and white all or nothing thinking, and learned no good thinking skills from BPD parents.