|
Abigail
|
 |
« on: November 18, 2006, 02:35:24 PM » |
|
Just as I have heard of situations where children of alcoholics grow up and marry an alcoholic, how common is it that children of a borderline parent marry or are attracted to someone else who is also BPD? If it is at a subconcious level, can anything be done to prevent it?
I am concerned about a friend of mine whose mother and aunt exhibit signs of being borderline and I'm concerned that his girlfriend, who is very insecure and controlling, might also turn out to have it. He knows very little about the borderline disorder and is only 17. Any advice?
Abigail
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
Peace4us
Emeritus
 Offline
Gender: 
Posts: 3734
|
|
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2006, 02:49:49 PM » |
|
Abigail
I have asked myself this question. As a child of an ubpd mother and an alcoholic (recovering now with 24 yrs sobriety) I married a high functioning yet severly abusive BPD man.
The reason for this is it was not SO unfamiliar. Drama and uncertainty and a feeling of insecurity was more or less normal for me.
The more you know the better you can do.
Peace4us
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
There are two ways of spreading light, be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. E. Warton
 |
|
|
|
LavenderMoon
|
|
« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2006, 06:47:03 PM » |
|
my birth family was a nest of bp's. i married an abusive, bp, alcoholic. they joined forces against me. my birth family supported & validated his abuse, he supported & validated their abuse. insane but true.
i married what i was familiar with & got what i expected.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT
This board is intended for general questions about BPD and other personality disorders, trait definitions, and related therapies and diagnostics. Topics should be formatted as a question.
Please do not host topics related to the specific pwBPD in your life - those discussions should be hosted on an appropraite [L1] - [L4] board.
You will find indepth information provided by our senior members in our workshop board discussions (click here).
|
|
|
|
sitandspin
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 41
|
|
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2006, 07:31:05 PM » |
|
It's sad but my guess is, it's fairly common, and pretty hard to avoid. My mother is uBPD, my father dNPD - I married an dNPD (not that he bothered to mention it back then). It's so difficult after spending years in an FOO suffering the abuse, name calling, guilt-tripping, and extremely selfish behavior of our parents, to even notice it in others, never mind to find it strange. There were red flags that in retrospect should have been huge, probably would have been to anyone else. To me, they seemed fairly minor in contrast to what I was accustomed to growing up. I imagine it's exactly the same with kids with BPD parents who grow up and marry a BPD. The landscape is so familiar, you're on autopilot and just don't see the bumps in the terrain.
When I married my husband, I really didn't know much about NPD, and knew nothing about BPD. These days I confess that I feel so paranoid, not sure if I can avoid it in friends or associates because I just don't know if I can identify what's normal and what's not. How do you do that when so much of life and relationships has been abnormal?
sitandspin
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
flex55
Offline
Gender: 
Posts: 99
|
|
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2006, 05:00:10 AM » |
|
Sit and Spin, join the phucked up crowd of at least two, you and I, I am at wits end, I will bet a months paycheck, that I can find a BP to fall in love with, and what is sad, I keep thinking, I will muck up and select someone who is not BP, but thusfar I have not errored. Know you are not alone, know that it must be an unconscious choice to pick a BP as a partner. In my case, my mother was an angel, my father had
BP traits. I loved my mother in a way, and she made me feel loved, but it was with my father I had to deal with, he was a daunting force in my childhood.
I am to the point of finding someone I hate and marrying her, for she surely would not be a borderline.
hugs david, aka flex
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
CompletelyOverwhelmed
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 51
|
|
« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2012, 11:37:04 AM » |
|
I ask this question because my step-grandfather(who was my guardian as a child) shows traits of BPD. He was never nurturing or empathetic, he went into rages, you could never reason with him, if you didn't live up to his expectations he was very belittling and insulting. His relationship with my grandmother was has been and is still hard to watch. She has a lot of heart trouble and struggles. He has no compassion for her and ignores her medical needs unless its hospital serious. He belittles her and has high expectations(like having his dinner on the table and his clothes cleaned and in his drawers) even though she is in poor medical health. Through that, my grandmother has never been empathetic or nurturing either. She has always been distant and wanted you to need and want her but never really offered much in the way of a relationship. She is definitely a taker not a giver.
With all of that said, I am currently married to my uBPDh and was wondering if you were raised by a potential pwBPD or people who carry BPD traits, are you unknowingly attracted to BPD's?
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Sofie
|
|
« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2012, 03:42:17 PM » |
|
I ask this question because my step-grandfather(who was my guardian as a child) shows traits of BPD. He was never nurturing or empathetic, he went into rages, you could never reason with him, if you didn't live up to his expectations he was very belittling and insulting. His relationship with my grandmother was has been and is still hard to watch. She has a lot of heart trouble and struggles. He has no compassion for her and ignores her medical needs unless its hospital serious. He belittles her and has high expectations(like having his dinner on the table and his clothes cleaned and in his drawers) even though she is in poor medical health. Through that, my grandmother has never been empathetic or nurturing either. She has always been distant and wanted you to need and want her but never really offered much in the way of a relationship. She is definitely a taker not a giver.
With all of that said, I am currently married to my uBPDh and was wondering if you were raised by a potential pwBPD or people who carry BPD traits, are you unknowingly attracted to BPD's?
Hi CompletelyOverwhelmed, The short answer to your question is yes - unfortunately. It goes for all of us that we tend to model future relationships on the relationship we had with our primary caregivers growing up. We tend to unconsciously repeat what they taught us of love, boundaries and validation - I myself grew up with a uNPD mother, so loving a dysfunctional, abusive and emotionally unavailable person came naturally to me. You might want to take a look at the following links for a start: Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost SelvesThe Mystery of Loving an AbuserFalling in Love with an Unavailable Person |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
CompletelyOverwhelmed
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 51
|
|
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2012, 08:47:10 PM » |
|
Thank you for reply Sofie.
I had a feeling that was the answer. Emotionally, I feel like I am reliving my childhood. The last 11 yrs have been rough and super hard at times. It's almost like someone had been pecking at open wounds.
I am so thankful for this site. Although I am still dealing with my personal issues, I have let go of my anger and resentment towards my husband. Now that I understand what is going on, I feel so bad for him and its hard to watch him suffer. Since I have not engaged in arguments, he's been sulking and complaining he is depressed. I hope eventually seeks help.
I am looking forward to the road of personal healing ahead me. I'm turning 35 soon and cannot imagine living the rest of my life carrying this sadness with me.
Thank you for the suggested readings, I have a few and plan to read the rest this weekend.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
trax
|
|
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2012, 09:02:30 PM » |
|
I think so. It seems familiar and normal to us on a subconscious level.
I will be ever thankful that I went through what I did with dxbpdxh, because in the end it got me out from under my ?pdmother's thumb for good. I didn't realize there was much wrong with my childhood or my mother, thought we just didn't get along... The counseling and retraining I got since my divorce has really helped me to become a whole person.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
CompletelyOverwhelmed
Offline
Gender:
Posts: 51
|
|
« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2012, 09:22:49 PM » |
|
Trax, That's how I feel only I'm just beginning my journey. I just started putting the pieces together. Before a few weeks ago, I didn't even know what Borderline Personality Disorder was. Through all of the readings here on the site, I keep having "a-ha" moments where things in my past now make sense. I have always known something wasn't right just couldn't figure it out. I'm glad you were able to feel whole after you experience.  |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
