Need opinions on this idea regarding strategy

[Think About It...]

They are deluded in spite of the facts, are they not?

DH and upbdex had been divorced for three years and he and I had been dating for over one year when...

She concocted a scheme to get them back together before Christmas.  SS's birthday is in early January, but updx decided to have his fifth birthday party in mid-December.  ?  She invited 28 children, hired a cho cho train, and called then SO approximately 12 times a day through the planning phase.  I was NOT invited.  DH (SO at the time) claimed that no other adults would be there, including his parents.  Whom do you suppose he picked up and drove to the party?  Yes, his parents. 

It was a fine old family reunion.  DH was still without a clue.  He and I had approximately 20 arguements about why I could not understand why I could not attend.  I decided to let it go.  I went to his home the night following the party, gifts in hand,  and enjoyed time with SS and DH.

The next morning, they were to do child exchange at a restaurant.  She arrived 45 minutes early, invited herself to join them for breakfast, and proceeded to ask him to get back together with her IN FRONT OF THE CHILD.  "See...we can do this..." is how she phrased it. 

DH apologized to me.  I could see what he could not (and this continues to be the way it goes, btw) in his former wife.  I could see that my absence was not to reduce the count by one.  It was to aid her in continuing her fantasy of connection and intimacy with my DH. 

 

[salt]

They are deluded in spite of the facts, are they not?

DH and upbdex had been divorced for three years and he and I had been dating for over one year when...

She concocted a scheme to get them back together before Christmas.  SS's birthday is in early January, but updx decided to have his fifth birthday party in mid-December.  ?  She invited 28 children, hired a cho cho train, and called then SO approximately 12 times a day through the planning phase.  I was NOT invited.  DH (SO at the time) claimed that no other adults would be there, including his parents.  Whom do you suppose he picked up and drove to the party?  Yes, his parents. 

It was a fine old family reunion.  DH was still without a clue.  He and I had approximately 20 arguements about why I could not understand why I could not attend.  I decided to let it go.  I went to his home the night following the party, gifts in hand,  and enjoyed time with SS and DH.

The next morning, they were to do child exchange at a restaurant.  She arrived 45 minutes early, invited herself to join them for breakfast, and proceeded to ask him to get back together with her IN FRONT OF THE CHILD.  "See...we can do this..." is how she phrased it. 

DH apologized to me.  I could see what he could not (and this continues to be the way it goes, btw) in his former wife.  I could see that my absence was not to reduce the count by one.  It was to aid her in continuing her fantasy of connection and intimacy with my DH. 

 

[PamelaMc]

I was NOT invited.  DH (SO at the time) claimed that no other adults would be there, including his parents.  Whom do you suppose he picked up and drove to the party?  Yes, his parents. 

It was a fine old family reunion.  DH was still without a clue.  He and I had approximately 20 arguements about why I could not understand why I could not attend.  I decided to let it go.

salt, at the risk of stirring a boiling pot, your DH does not seem as if he had no clue.  He was being manipulative at the uBPDx's bidding.  He HAD to know the reason you were not invited.

I look back on the first year of dating my H and I am appalled at the blatant indiscretions that I tolerated.  I should have broke off the relationship with him.  Not sure what that says about me.  Perhaps I thought I could "fix" him?

H and I had multiple arguments over the past year about boundaries and the cowardly way in which he deals with his uBPDx.  I told him that he treated me like his mistress.  He acted shocked that I felt this way.  Shortly thereafter he told uBPDx that I was going to attend a skid birthday party.  She lost half of her (remaining) marbles, but I attended.

[salt]

Yes, PamMc, hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? 

I should have kicked him to the curb when that birthday party went on the way it did.  I didn't.  Did I think I could "fix" him?  No.  I was confused as to where the boundaries should be.  I instictively knew that they were "off", but I had never dated a divorced man with a young child before.  And I had been safely out of view from uBPDx up until just a few weeks before this birthday party.  It's too bad, in a way, that I wasn't aware of the dynamic for so long. 

The first year of our relationship was semi-normal in that we were dating, not living together, and I had limited interaction with Dh and SS when SS was with him for teh weekend.  We'd have dinner and an evening together, and then I would return to my blissfully single and carefree life.  I respected that he needed one-on-one time with SS and felt comfortable that I was not being completely excluded. 

What I didn't know was the lengths that DH would go for years to "keep the peace" with uBPDx while I suffered. 

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[undone]

Heh, I will see your birthday party, and raise you one. 

Crazy decided (during the time that she was actively trying to persuade SO to "give her another chance") to hold SS's JOINT birthday party on Valentines day.  Can we get a rousing "awwww" from the audience?


And no, his birthday is NOT Feb 14.

You should have seen the argument that caused between us.  Much like your DHs, he just didn't want to face it.

[laurena82]

Wow, same story, different UBPDxW:

DH and upbdex had been divorced for three years and he and I had been dating for over one year when...

I, too, had been far enough removed (UBPDxW lives 1 1/2 hour drive from here) for first year of dating that I didnt know what the "real" deal was.  I had no idea that even though nonSO bent over backwards for her, she did NOTHING but demand more money, rage and criticize him in front of the kids . 

UBPDxW had started a "tradition" of inviting nonSO dad to kids Bday parties she put on for their friends, so that he would pay for them.  These are expensive "city" things of laser tag, etc etc.  We had been dating over a year. I had nonSO to my kids (non- expensive traditional "family" birthday celebrations) because nonSO was an important part of my life.  Additionally, he was invited to my son's HS graduation, and sat at the same table as my exH and exMIL and we were all civil and amicable.  I simply assumed I would be included in HIS kids celebrations, since he was obviously on such good terms with exW as to be invited himself...

HAH!

THat was the first eye opener there.  Fortunately for nonSO, I guess, he developed a severe (and I mean severe...acutely ill) case of shingles that weekend, and didnt go himself, either.  I'm not sure what would have happened if he had gone without me.  By the following year, he had the sense to say he wasnt going if we both werent invited, although to be honest, I never heard the conversation, and can guess he didnt even venture enough guts to suggest I go, rather just declined himself.  At anyrate, I learned later that he continued to pay for these parties (because, of course, she would tell the kids they cant have a party because SOB dad wont pay for it...as though its' his responsibility, when he's already paying double childsupport and having his own party for them here...but I digress... )


And this is me as well:

I was confused as to where the boundaries should be.  I instictively knew that they were "off",

A couple months before the birthday party, nonSO "had" to spend a weekend down at exW's house house/dog-sitting while they were gone...HUH?

I would NEVER have thought of asking my exH to do such a thing for me?  But, this is what is so weird, instead of saying, WTH are you doing THAT? I thought, "Oh, maybe I misunderstand divorce, maybe I should be asking more of my exH?"

unbelievable...

If I started this relationship again with my knowledge now, ...well it would definitely have gone differently.  I would most definitely "smell the coffee" sooner, and set my own boundaries sooner...but would he then have "towed the line" sooner?  Or would we have gone our separate ways?

Interesting thought...

[evien]

***I was confused as to where the boundaries should be.  I instictively knew that they were "off",***

I think we (as secondary nons) are set up by societal expectations of divorced parenting by normal people. Normal people have a sense of boundary upon divorce, and can have joint bday parties, for example, w/o breaking emotional boundaries (ie., SOs are invited and everyone keeps conversation neutral and child-focused)...this is never going to happen when a BP is in the mix, but until we get to that NC place after repeated violations of boundaries, as normal people we expect OURSELVES to behave like normal people, regardless. And from the outside...so many BPs look normal its hard for observers to understand why we can't "be the bigger person" (does anyone else here loathe that phrase with burning passion of 1000 fiery suns?)


Evien

[Love the man hate the BP]

"be the bigger person" (does anyone else here loathe that phrase with burning passion of 1000 fiery suns?)

I hate that one, but the one I really despise is "take the higher ground."  I'm here to tell you that taking the higher ground does NOTHING but give you altitude sickness.  It's highly overrated.

I agree, the bp world does not translate to the real world, and trying to walk the line between the two is so very difficult.  In holding fast to those emotional boundaries, we wind up looking like rigid, irrational beings ourselves (often times, I think I seem bp myself) but the alternative to that is far worse...living at the end of a whip held by an insatiable, relentless beast. 

[namaste]

often times, I think I seem bp myself

Thank god, I thought I was the only one.  :D

[PamelaMc]

often times, I think I seem bp myself

Thank god, I thought I was the only one.  :D

Me, three!  Sometimes when I am "demanding" boundaries (something I find very distasteful, btw), I worry that I come across as the BPDx.  But, I believe that if you possess the abilities for introspection, you can't possibly BE the BPD. 

[Love the man hate the BP]

But, I believe that if you possess the abilities for introspection, you can't possibly BE the BPD. 

I agree.  Again, borderlines live on the border...a border which we can all frequent at times.  The difference is that we (hopefully!) do not step over that line.  Let's face it, many of their issues are OUR issues as well.  Human issues.  It boils down to the degree, intensity and manageability of those issues and how one relates to others in the world on a daily basis.  I'd say those of us here at BPDFamily (esp. my secondary non gf's!) are still well on THIS side of the border!