Understanding the Borderline Mother - Christine Ann Lawson PhD

[salt]

I sent it to a friend of mine seven years ago.  His mother was dbpd, very much the waif/queen combination. 

She committed suicide a few months ago.  My friend asked that instead of flowers, I send his two brothers and his father each a copy of this book.  I did. 

[tryintogetby]

I recently bought my own copy (the first time I read it, I checked it out of the library) and discovered a wonderful new way to use it---as a journal.  Any time I read something that hits close to home, I underline it and write a description of my own story.  It's really helped put things in perspective for me.

[oldrsis]

I've read this book for a research paper I had to do for an Abnormal Psychology class. Unfortunately, I couldn't read all of it, but I read most of it. I'm going to read it again. I thought it was very informative and gave me alot of insight to my family and possibly why my sister has it. It also made me more afraid for my sister's kids. It's a great book for anyone who has a family member with BPD. You can apply the information to father's, too.

[Imagine]

This book absolutely changed my life dramatically, and helped my children put boundaries in place with their uBPmother.  When my oldest was reading through it, she called out to me "I'm the bad child!"  She also saw a lot of herself in it.  When I started to read it, I had an a true epiphany.  Everything that had been so crazy in my life finally had an explanation.  It was my "Eureeka moment."  I have recommended it to serveral people, including this morning to a woman whose daughter in law is dBP.  I've read so many books on the subject and I feel this is the one book to read if you are going to stop at just one.

[picturelady]

This book is an amazing resource...I found it tremendously helpful in helping me understand the BPD relationships in my family.

[No_Hiding_Place]

This book has become like something of a personal Bible for me. It's given me validation that I really am NOT the crazy one and al the way through it I had "OMG That's my life!" moments. About things that I would never have thought related to the way Mum treated me (as the evil daughter) and things I had never even talked about with anyone else! It was like she was inside my head. It was truly an incredible, validating, wonderful experience.

Anyone who has a BPD mother absolutely needs to read this book. It's a sanity saver and will help you establish the boundaries necessary to live your life.

[NorthernGirl]

This book was like finding the missing puzzle piece for me.  I am a secondary non.  I believe my BF's ex is ubpd.  I had not even heard of BPD a few months ago, but saw it mentioned on a website with some personality traits I had seen in his ex.  My BF had said "things are always black and white with her", that she had blamed their oldest son for all her problems and I heard all the time about her fears.  I knew she suffered from anxiety and depression, but so many of her actions seemed beyond what a normal Mom would do.

I read a bit about BPD online and then found Lawson's book at the library (have since bought it).  When I got to the description of the Hermit mother, I kept saying over and over, this is her.  There were just so many sentences that described her.  There was even a sentence about how Hermit mother's often home school their children (which ubpdxw is doing with one son.) 

My BF read sections of Lawson's book, although I know it was painful for him.  He saw himself in the Huntsman description.  It has helped us both understand some of what she does and explain what otherwise seemed completely illogical. 

[lra61380]

No book has ever brought me more comfort.  I still pull it off the bookshelf every few months if I feel stressed or if I start to think that I'm just being whiny or crazy.

I find that because Lawson's descriptions of borderline mothers are so specific, they validate my own experience.  I'm constantly doubting whether I'm making this whole thing about my mother up, so it comforts me to read something that is so uncannily accurate. 

When I hear more general descriptions of borderlines, I start to think "oh well, my mother never tried to kill herself, so I must be making everything up" but with Lawson's book, there's just no denying that my mother is a Hermit uBPD.  The fact that she doesn't fit the Queen or Waif types doesn't mean she's not borderline, it just means she's a different TYPE of borderline. 

The things she mentions are just too specific, too dead-on to deny.  It makes me feel like I'm not the crazy one.

[JimK]

I bought this book last August, read it and refer to what I learned from it when dealing with my own "mommy dearest" BPD mother in my depression therapy. My mother's physical body died in late September, 1990. The internalized her, which I constantly carry about, I deal with on a daily basis.

Dr. Lawson's book is a technically oriented text. It is not written for someone just off the street. It helps to have Webster's Collegiate Dictionary nearby whenever venturing into any new topic. I am a Physicist by education and spent the last 30 years designing optical systems in the aerospace business. I had some psychological terms to become familiar with. This was taken care of with a few general beginning type texts at the local book store and a few clarifying questions to my psychologist.

In order to get the most from this or any other book, one must be willing to become familiar with specialized, topic specific terms. When I, the patient, picked up Dr. Lawson's text, I took on personal responsibility and became my therapist's assistant.

Anyone with a BPD mother, in my opinion, can't afford to ignore the associated problems. A BPD mother, alive or dead and internalized, can cause a lifetime of sadness, confusion and misery. To become free from this type of mother, the price in learning a few new specialized psychological terms seems a small price to pay.

Dr. Lawson's was the first BPD book I read but it won't be my last BPD book I read.

Jim Klein

[marlo6277]

I loved this book so much and thought it was so good that I bought a copy for my SDs therapist! 

It is very expensive in Canada...Raina - do you know anyone in the US who you can ship it to for free and then they can just mail via US Postal service to you? 

[Scarlett2008]

Raina, I'm from Canada and just bought the book for about 45$ (Canadian $) used. Keep an eye on it on web site like Indigo (Canada) and Amazon (Canada) , as the used books supply varies and so does the price.  We do pay a lot more than in the US unfortunately but sometimes we can get lucky and find a good deal.

I am happy to have read the book and will keep it as a reference. It helped me understand the dynamics of my life up until I'm become NC 4 years ago with my Hermit ubpdm. My father is a textbook Huntman so it was great to finally understand what was wrong underneath all that perfect image veneer.
There's one sentence that I really didn't like about the book "It's only a matter of time before the bordeline's no good daughter becomes a bordeline mother herself " (Chapter 7, page 168).As the "no good daughter" of my ubdpm and father, I did not developp BPD and I do not like the sense of doom implied in the above sentence. When I went NC, I did see a T but I helped just a bit. What really helped me was being finally free of my uBPDm influence and going to support groups. The book seems to imply that if you do not enter a lenghty therapy you will not get better and that's not true. Because I was raised by a uBPDm, I had learned a lot of unhealthy behaviors that I have unlearned after learning new, healthy behaviors. Like I said, I saw one T for a few months, then I saw another one for a few sessions, just enough to understand my behaviors and learn new ones. Going to support groups helped me a lot as well. I'm only explaining all of this because not everyone has the means or the time (or both) to enter a lenghty therapy and I feel having been "the no good child" is already bad enough wihout feeling doomed after reading a book supposed to help you.

[DtrofBPDmom]

Many of us, including myself, have read Understanding the Borderline Mother and had an awakening. This book not only validated my feelings, but it continues to be a resource when I need a little one sided therapy session. (As does Walking on Eggshells and other BPD resources)
I was just wondering about Ms. Lawson. Is she a practiving therapist? It seems like she wrote this revolutionary book for those of us in this situation and then disappeared.

Just curious if any of you knew anything about her or, better yet, when she's releasing another book!

[blackandwhite]

Hello DtrofBPDmom,

I'll ask around, but the last I heard, Christine Lawson was continuing to focus on her private practice with no plans to release another book, more's the pity. We can only thank her for the tremendous contribution she made through publishing Understanding the Borderline Mother. It has impacted many people's lives for sure.

 

B&W

[Skip]

We spoke to her two years ago.  She is practicing in Torrance, California and focusing on that.  She is not active with the promotion of her book or writing.

[KHat]

I read this book this summer and thought it was incredible.  Since my brain is always asking "why" and trying to create order from chaos, this book helped immensely.  It even helped me with some of my own mother's hermit behaviors.

However, it wasn't as helpful to me as I had hoped, in being a secondary non hoping to have the tools to counteract my stepdaughters' mother's influence on them.  Nearly every point was directed towards ADULT children of borderline mothers, and I was hoping to learn some ways to mitigate damage while they're still young.

Still, I'll keep this book on the shelf and handy during the coming years.  I just wish there were some kind of guide for those of us coparenting with disordered mothers, especially Queens who lack mirroring and cannot separate from their children.

BTW, to those looking for an inexpensive way to get your hands on the book, try abebooks.com or half.com.

[sabrosita7394]

I received the book today. I skimmed the book for a few minutes. My mother is definately the queen, the witch towards me and usually a waif also (she thinks she has every illness known to man, and then a few not known  ). let me know if you have read the book and what you thought about it. I am going to start reading it thoroughly tonight. I hope it doesn't cause me to get upset, but then again almost everything about my mother makes me cry.    Thanks in advance for any input about the book!

[MovingOnInMyLife]

GREAT book!  Very validating! 

My mom is Witch with me and Queen with everyone else...

[Skip]

I've seen it for $25-$30 on our bookfinder...

http://www.bpdfamily.com/book_review/index.htm

[gypsygirl79]

I bought it 2 years ago and love it. It has been my go-to book lately. Especially when I'm feeling like maybe it's me - not her. But as soon as I start reading I get the reassurance I need. Definitely her. 

My mom has the ability to morph (at will) between the Queen, Witch, and Waif. She then tends to withdraw into the Hermit. Interestingly, with her - it seemed to be all about manipulation. IOW's if the Queen couldn't get what she wanted - then perhaps the Witch could. Then, should the Witch fail - the Waif would magically appear. The Waif tends to be the most powerful of the three. When one assumes the victim mindset of the Waif, they can't be held accountable for their actions. Therefore, everything that's going on around her is due to "external" events - sources - people, etc...During the painful years of being constantly exposed to her, she used mostly the Witch persona. As she aged, it seems the Queen was more to her liking - especially in a public setting. The Waif was usually reserved for close family members, and was rarely seen outside their home.

Wow. Very similar experience. Mom has a way of morphing that dumbfounds me. She can be all 4 personas at different times, but only slips into "waif" with her husband and children.

[cwotton]

I didn't have a BPD mother (probably the farthest thing from it), but my grandchildren do (my daughter). I have bought it for them against the time when they fully realize that something is terribly wrong, and need to understand it. (They are beginning to reach that point.) Meanwhile, I'll read it myself, to help me understand my daughter's behavior.