The Mom Factor - Henry Cloud, PhD

[Alana]

The Mom Factor
Cloud Henry PhD, Townsend John PhD




About the Book      

I was skimming this book by Henry Cloud & John Townsend.  It's generally about much less serious 'mom' issues than are talked about at BPDFamily, but I found something interesting. One of their categories of moms is the Phantom Mom, who basically neglects her kids emotionally, if not physically. I realize that my mother was a "Controlling Phantom". I always considered her neglect/disinterest/uninvolvement a very good thing when it happened since the alternative was complete control.

With her it's a black & white thing:  disinterest vs control,  sweet nice vs nasty, a angelic kid vs a no good rotten black sheep kid, anorexic vs fat...

I thank God for her Phantom side now. Neglect & disinterest hurts a little now, but as an adult, it's a piece of cake compared to out right abuse.  I'm peeling back the layers of my psychological onion. Isn't it ironic that peeling real onions makes you cry too?

About the Author      

Dr. Cloud is a clinical psychologistand has written or co-written nineteen books, including the million-seller Boundaries. Dr. Cloud has appeared on FOX News. He has also been featured in the Los Angeles Times. Dr. Cloud co-hosts the nationally syndicated radio program New Life Live, which is heard in over 150 markets.

In his consulting practice, he works with leaders of organizations and corporations, from family-held firms to Fortune 25 companies and non-profit organizations. With his  executive coaching background and experience as an organizational and leadership consultant, he speaks regularly at corporate and leadership events held across the United States and internationally.

Dr. Cloud co-founded a health-care company that operated treatment centers in thirty-five cities in the Western United States; he served as Clinical Co-Director for ten years. In that context of hands-on clinical experience, he researched and developed many of the treatment methods and principles he communicates to audiences today.

He is a graduate of Southern Methodist University, having earned a BS in psychology with honors. He completed his PhD in clinical psychology at Biola University and his clinical internship at Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health. His philanthropic interests lie in the area of homelessness and the inner city, as well as Third World missions and development. He serves on the board of the Los Angeles Mission, a rescue mission on Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles.

# Paperback: 256 pages
# Publisher: Zondervan (October 1, 1998)
# Language: English
# ISBN-10: 0310225590
# ISBN-13: 978-0310225591
# Price: ~$10.00

[glinda the good witch]

Nice analogy with the onion.  Yep, mine was a phantom parent also.  She had no clue what was going on in my life unless I told her, and then she didn't pay attention anyway except when it affected her.  I think it was probably better that way too, because then the rages were either directed elsewhere or didn't happen.  Thanks for the new perspective!

G

[sophie22]

I thought the authors' names sounded familiar. Sitting on my book shelf is one of their books that I just read, "Boundaries With Kids". There was in fact a lot of bible quoting in that one, and some of the examples that they suggested in regards to boundary setting with children were way too punishing for my taste & not congruent at all with their overall message of the book (I thought), so that didn't sit well with me, but I did get something out of it & thought they had some good ideas.

The book on mothers definitely sounds like it is worth reading. My father was that way as well, a controlling phantom as you described it above. They both approached parenting from the viewpoint of 'work hard and provide food & shelter & that makes a good parent'. As far as Maslow's hierarchy of needs, they met the most basic, rudimentary of needs and that was about it. They both failed miserably when it came to safety needs & everything above.

[mige]

It's a really great book. They talk about mothers and things like BPD. They also talk about deciding to accept that your mother will not change. They also wrote a book called "Safe People" that teaches how to develop healthy relationships.  It's pretty much like "Understanding  the Borderline Mother", but from a christian therapy viewpoint.