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Think About It... Some members think of "triangulation" as a dysfunctional behavior perpetrated on them by a person with BPD. And why not - this is how we often see triangles when we are in them and the '"odd man out"! However, seeing it this way is exactly the opposite of what we want to do to end the drama.. ~ Skippy
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Author Topic: Should you let the BP in your life know that you believe they have BPD?  (Read 2840 times)
crazyhorse
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« on: February 13, 2007, 08:34:53 PM »

As many hurtful words that my BP wife and I have exchanged, I have never once even brought up the “B” word with her. Even when things were going well, I was always afraid to discuss this with her (I must not break any of those eggshells).

My wife has never admitted to, or mentioned having BPD. I only learned of BPD after my wife attended marriage counseling with me briefly and then the MC let me know later that she believed my wife has BP. I am wondering what other people have experienced with regards to discussing this with the BP in their life. 
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nevergiveup
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« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2007, 05:07:44 AM »

My SO reacted in a total fury and left. I don't know what to suggest in your case. I wasn't tactful, but I don't know if a tactful approach would have worked either.
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board.
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
crazyhorse
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« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2007, 06:28:29 AM »

NGU,

That is the reaction I feared I would get from my wife. So, just like everything else, our problems were never resolved, they were just swept under the rug only to reappear over and over again. Thanks for the reply.

I am hoping someones responds to this post that had a different experience but that could just be more of my wishful thinking.
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Cyndi
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« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2007, 06:58:09 AM »

Guess it depends on how bad she is.  I got total rage when I mentioned it, an episode that lasted for weeks, and eventually resulted in my divorce.  But weeks later got an e-mail saying he thought about it and is now considering going to therapy and getting on the right meds.
Guess if you bring it up you have to be prepared for the consequenses, and know that she will probably walk
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nevergiveup
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« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2007, 07:30:43 AM »

I understand the wishful thinking aspect, Crazyhorse. We all have these hopes and dreams.

At first I regreted mentioning it, but now I am kind of glad because it brought things to a head. I'd be worse to suspect for years that was what she had and be scared to bring it up. Who knows, maybe me bringing it up now and her getting so upset about it might make some impression on her, like with Cyndi's ex. At least if she contacted me she would have to talk about it, even if it was in a rage she would at least be talking about it. The one thing I regret is I was pretty tactless n the way  brought it up - if  could do it again I'd try and be more sensitive. I kind of smacked her over the head with it in front of her friends.  guess thats what happens when you are at the end of your rope.

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sillyputte
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« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2007, 08:01:54 AM »

General consensus on this board I think is that this is not a good idea.  Those with BPD are often living in denial of their behaviour.  Being told they have mental illness normally just drives them to a rage (regardless of the tact in the approach) and sends them into blame mode, telling you that you are the sick one.

I have yet to hear of one person on this board who had success with this.  Besides we are not qualified to make that diagnosis.  My counsellor told me one time that I should be less worried about naming the illness and more worried about addressing the behaviours and setting boundaries.  I think that is relevant if you are staying.  Thankfully my ex ended the relationship and I got out with my sanity somewhat in tact.
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safetyfirst
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« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2007, 08:48:51 PM »

what are the chances a BPD with a history of multiple suicide attemps and threaths, resulting in multiple hospitalizations and rehab times would act on 'If I can't have the child, neither can you.' and end up killing or hurting the child and themselves?
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scott64
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« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2007, 09:26:36 AM »

My own opinion, is to use your knowledge of BPD to help yourself deal with things and make decisions. But I would never say anything about it to your partner. They are not strong enough to process it and they would just feel bad. And likely the bad feelings would be projected back at you.

I have sometimes nibbled around the edges. I have told her that I understand that she has deeply ingrained defense mechanisms that come from a very very tough childhood. And that sometimes her defense mechanisms are counter-productive to a good relationship. But I would never try to label her with an "illness" to her face. It just would not help.
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crazyhorse
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« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2007, 08:25:17 PM »

Thank you everyone for your responses. My gut instinct was to never say those words to her and now you all have validated this for me. What is hard for me to understand is, that if I was thought to have mental illness, I would want to be told about it. In a caring and sensitive way of course.
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ian
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« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2007, 03:27:52 PM »

I wish I could, but the more accurate my understanding of the situation became the more she would say that she didn't take anything I said seriously and thought my opinions were totally worthless and I was a stupid person. The closer to the truth I got the less credibility I had, and the more devalued I became. Now I'm pretty sure I am black forever.
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willowtree007
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« Reply #10 on: February 26, 2007, 12:49:46 AM »

My response is different than most. In the book Lost in the Mirror, Dr. Moskovitz states that one of the biggest diservices done to BPDs is keeping their diagnosis a secret. He of course was talking about the relationship between the BPD and his/her therapist. The age old question is how does one get their SO into therapy? I suggest you read this book.

In our last re-engagement, I brought the subject up, during a warm moment. I showed him a list of criteria and asked if he related to any of it. At first, he rejected it, but by the end of the evening, he thought there was a possibility. There was no raging. Of those others, who report a raging response, I wonder in what manner and under what circumstances, the suggestion was raised. I left him with the list (at his request) and also the book mentioned above.

One week later, (no fights, no arguments, just a wonderful re-engagement), he fell off the face of the earth and I didn't hear from him for nearly two weeks. I knew what was happening and I knew it was over for me. I was disgusted. He phoned eventually and explained his absence with "I went to a dark place". I figure the dark place was between someone else's thighs, followed by no success.

I would not recommend telling your SO if you want to continue the relationship as it is - with a project for a partner. I didn't want that, so I felt that I had nothing to lose, by bringing up BPD. (Also I knew I was in no danger of a physically abusive response. For those that are, forget it!) I loved this man in his finer moments and felt it was worth a gentle try. So what if your BPD rages, blames you or walks out? What have you lost? You've lost a dysfunctional relationship. And then you can get on with getting back on your own two feet, knowing that you gave it your best shot, probably experiencing less longing in your recovery process.

I would love to ask this question to recovering BPDs.

Wil





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JoannaK
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« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2007, 02:50:47 PM »

From the old Nook:

 
 
willowtree007
« Reply #10 on: February 26, 2007, 12:49:46 am » 

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Quote
My response is different than most. In the book Lost in the Mirror, Dr. Moskovitz states that one of the biggest diservices done to BPDs is keeping their diagnosis a secret. He of course was talking about the relationship between the BPD and his/her therapist. The age old question is how does one get their SO into therapy? I suggest you read this book.

In our last re-engagement, I brought the subject up, during a warm moment. I showed him a list of criteria and asked if he related to any of it. At first, he rejected it, but by the end of the evening, he thought there was a possibility. There was no raging. Of those others, who report a raging response, I wonder in what manner and under what circumstances, the suggestion was raised. I left him with the list (at his request) and also the book mentioned above.

One week later, (no fights, no arguments, just a wonderful re-engagement), he fell off the face of the earth and I didn't hear from him for nearly two weeks. I knew what was happening and I knew it was over for me. I was disgusted. He phoned eventually and explained his absence with "I went to a dark place". I figure the dark place was between someone else's thighs, followed by no success.

I would not recommend telling your SO if you want to continue the relationship as it is - with a project for a partner. I didn't want that, so I felt that I had nothing to lose, by bringing up BPD. (Also I knew I was in no danger of a physically abusive response. For those that are, forget it!) I loved this man in his finer moments and felt it was worth a gentle try. So what if your BPD rages, blames you or walks out? What have you lost? You've lost a dysfunctional relationship. And then you can get on with getting back on your own two feet, knowing that you gave it your best shot, probably experiencing less longing in your recovery process.

I would love to ask this question to recovering BPDs.

Wil

dolface
« Reply #11 on: February 26, 2007, 05:03:46 am » 

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I was told, quiet bluntly that if I mentioned it to him again that he would punched me to the ground. I so wish that he would walk away, out of my life and leave me alone. Wishful thinking on my part!
 
 
 
geroldmodel
 Â« Reply #12 on: February 26, 2007, 08:00:11 am » 

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Quote
There was a time when I did not yet know my gf had uBPD.

I remember one time she raged at me again (with no obvious reason) and called me names
-I had drew a boundary on namecalling on a previous rage-
I got furious and said she was mentally ill for raging without a reason.
(little did I know...)

She actually physically attacked me.
 
 
 
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