Wow, met another Borderline... oh what to do?

[Think About It...]

I asked a friend who met her with me. He said "I didn't see what you see", meaning he just saw a good fun girl and din't see any harm in carrying on with her.

I asked advice from another friend and he said go for it, don't worry about it, have fun with her, just "don't let your guard down like last time".

Neither of these friends has ever heard of BPD away from me, and they think I've made it all up, and my ex-bpgf was just a little "weird".

Oh, what to do?

B2     

Get new friends!   
(just kidding  )
Anyway, it seems you're at that point in your life where you need to take stock and examine your issues. A trip to the T. would be most healthy. I don't think anyone can get out of a BPD relationship without some introspection and psychotherapeutic work.
It's only normal oyur friends should have reacted the way they did. You can't know what it's like to be tied to a BP person until you've been with one. It's not something people can easily fathom, even in their wildest dreams (or nightmares).

Take good care fo yourself, bewildered 2.

Update:

I just read your last post. It seems to me you're taking a lot of risks by getting so involved with her, even though you claim to be very cautious and all that. Hmmm... it seems to me you're buying yourself another ticket to Oz land. And you know what that ALWAYS leads to: crazy-making, chaos, turmoil, etc. And the cycle is repeated endlessly. Until you decide to put a final end to it.
I know: easier said than done.
When the same thing happens to me, I hope you'll be there to warn me against my own foolishness.

[JerryKew]

I asked a friend who met her with me. He said "I didn't see what you see", meaning he just saw a good fun girl and din't see any harm in carrying on with her.

I asked advice from another friend and he said go for it, don't worry about it, have fun with her, just "don't let your guard down like last time".

Neither of these friends has ever heard of BPD away from me, and they think I've made it all up, and my ex-bpgf was just a little "weird".

Oh, what to do?

B2     

Get new friends!   
(just kidding  )
Anyway, it seems you're at that point in your life where you need to take stock and examine your issues. A trip to the T. would be most healthy. I don't think anyone can get out of a BPD relationship without some introspection and psychotherapeutic work.
It's only normal oyur friends should have reacted the way they did. You can't know what it's like to be tied to a BP person until you've been with one. It's not something people can easily fathom, even in their wildest dreams (or nightmares).

Take good care fo yourself, bewildered 2.

Update:

I just read your last post. It seems to me you're taking a lot of risks by getting so involved with her, even though you claim to be very cautious and all that. Hmmm... it seems to me you're buying yourself another ticket to Oz land. And you know what that ALWAYS leads to: crazy-making, chaos, turmoil, etc. And the cycle is repeated endlessly. Until you decide to put a final end to it.
I know: easier said than done.
When the same thing happens to me, I hope you'll be there to warn me against my own foolishness.

[turtle]

Interesting that you would play with an inferno after all you've been through.

Be careful -- she's cleaning your apartment? God only knows what she's really doing in there.

Turtle

[eggshell]

Get out and don't look back, and focus on yourself... try to get over your BPD... until you do that, you will probably keep finding the same people over and over again. But most definitely don't continue with this person. Talking about vacations already is insanely fast, don't you think? If someone even talks to me about date #2 on date #1, I run now.

[bewildered2]

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I feel very very in control. There is no risk of me going back to Oz with this girl. Famous last words? No way.

I gave her a shot. She is what she is. And I have her number.

Now to just fade away...

B2 
 

[liberateddad]

B2,  Glad you can look at this with you eyes wide open and be able to stand up for yourself , say this in not what I want, where I want to be or be treated like that.  We have all talked about red flags and have our antenna up.   We need to listen to our  inner voice, heed the warning signs and do what we must.  I applaud you for your fortitude.   Life out of OZ is a whole lot better than in OZ.   

LD

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[JoannaK]

Hi b2...

So can you just stop seeing her?  How would you feel about that?  And what if she told you today that she never wants to see you again... and she actually doesn't contact you for a week or two.  How would you feel about that?

Unfortunately, every time you see someone, the emotional bonds may be pulling on you, even if you think you are free.  If she is pushing for more closeness, and you are still holding her at arm's length, you are also playing with her, and that's not fair to her, even if she is a dingbat. 

Now.. If you are holding her at arm's length, why does the "old friend" thing make any difference to you?  Did you agree to be romantically and sexually exclusive with her?

Just a few other inconsistencies, b2, which probably reflect problems with your relationship.  All of your friends like her, but she is pushing them away...  You mean that she somehow keeps you from seeing them?  If so, you have been keeping this info from them.  So they may still like her because you haven't told them about her serious "issues".  If they knew that she was keeping you from seeing them, would they all still like her?

So, the big question; is she BPD?

No, b2, sweetie, the big issue is does she have serious issues (BPD or others) that will make it difficult for you to have a reasonable fun but loving relationship with her?  There are tons of people who don't have BPD, but they have other problems...  and having a relationship with them is like banging your head against the wall.  Alcoholics, for instance.  Don't make good partners, whether or not there is an underlying pd.

Is BPD THAT common?

  Common enough, but there are plenty of people with other issues who aren't good relationship material.   

Or is is just that the pool of bright, attractive, interesting, fun singles is full of them? 

  It depends on where you meet this pool, b2.  I think some places are full of them..  I also think that people who fit the "fun" description are more likely to drink excessively and/or have other issues. 

Good luck getting rid of her.  I think you are in much deeper than you are letting on.

[bewildered2]

Hi b2...

So can you just stop seeing her?  How would you feel about that?  And what if she told you today that she never wants to see you again... and she actually doesn't contact you for a week or two.  How would you feel about that?

Unfortunately, every time you see someone, the emotional bonds may be pulling on you, even if you think you are free.  If she is pushing for more closeness, and you are still holding her at arm's length, you are also playing with her, and that's not fair to her, even if she is a dingbat. 

Now.. If you are holding her at arm's length, why does the "old friend" thing make any difference to you?  Did you agree to be romantically and sexually exclusive with her?

Just a few other inconsistencies, b2, which probably reflect problems with your relationship.  All of your friends like her, but she is pushing them away...  You mean that she somehow keeps you from seeing them?  If so, you have been keeping this info from them.  So they may still like her because you haven't told them about her serious "issues".  If they knew that she was keeping you from seeing them, would they all still like her?

So, the big question; is she BPD?

No, b2, sweetie, the big issue is does she have serious issues (BPD or others) that will make it difficult for you to have a reasonable fun but loving relationship with her?  There are tons of people who don't have BPD, but they have other problems...  and having a relationship with them is like banging your head against the wall.  Alcoholics, for instance.  Don't make good partners, whether or not there is an underlying pd.

Is BPD THAT common?

  Common enough, but there are plenty of people with other issues who aren't good relationship material.   

Or is is just that the pool of bright, attractive, interesting, fun singles is full of them? 

  It depends on where you meet this pool, b2.  I think some places are full of them..  I also think that people who fit the "fun" description are more likely to drink excessively and/or have other issues. 

Good luck getting rid of her.  I think you are in much deeper than you are letting on.

Hey Joanna,

I'm BPD-bulletproof.

I am gonna fade away. Why? Because I think she has significant problems and therefore will only be a blight on my life. I don't need her for entertainment, or sex. She just isn't of interest any more. Why? Because of your famous 3 strikes rule. Last Thursday-strike 1, last Friday-strike 2, last Sunday/Monday-strike 3. The old friend incident only makes a difference to me in that it made me sit-up, and notice the alarm bell. She had asked to be romatically and sexually exclusive earlier and I had agreed.

Re liking my friends/pushing them away. It was interesting. It happened suddenly, and very recently. Everything was going along just fine, and then, bam, she started criticizing them (the same people she loved a week or two earlier). I haven't told them of course. But maybe I will.     

I'm pulling away already. And right on cue she has picked up on it.

I'm going away somewhere next week where there isn't a chance in hell she can find me. I will be away from a phone and email too.

This thing is OVER!

I wondered about how to do it, just break all contact or do a BPD type of thing and meet her and tell her I don't know why, but that my feelings have just changed.

B2

 

 

[cricket]

Yay, B2.  Glad to hear it!  She sounded like Bad News on parade (with no doubt some appealing qualities here and there.)

Thanks for sharing your experience; it will definitely be of help to many others.

Keep on keeping on, and stay away from the PDpeoples.

Peace,
cricket

[pizaluvr]

B2,

Does she have the same morals and values as you do?

Does she make you feel loved and supported?

Does she let you be your own person?

I don't want to assume that she is borderline, I just think that you should be with someone that will compliment you.

It should be a good fit.

You are making me nervous being with someone like this.

I don't want you to get hurt again.

pizaluvr

[Bob58]

I am gonna fade away. Why? Because I think she has significant problems and therefore will only be a blight on my life.

All of which you knew back in February and yet, chose to continue anyway.

There are no surprises here, B2.

You say that you're "BPD-bulletproof" now.

Ummm...ok.

But given your history, you're obviously not drama proof because you continually seek out damaged/dysfunctional people to pursue romantic/sexual relationships.

It's only been to your detrement and it seems it may lead to your eventual downfall if you don't figure out why you keep doing this and change your own behavior.

[Bailey]

B2,

Hi.

Remember after that 2-day mind-altering weekend? Remember afterwards how she said she'd never contact you ever again if you left?  And then she did?  Just keep your attention on that kind of behavior, and you'll know what to do.

Borderlines are fun, they really are.  Until they're not any more.

But -- you do what you've gotta do, and we'll all still be here for you.  I mean, everybody here said I should have NO CONTACT with crazy Danny Boy but I have not been able to quite go that far.  But -- so far it seems easy to give him a little bit of contact than NC.  But that's a whole different story.

Good luck!  Remember the nursery rhyme about the girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead:  When she was good she was very, very good and when she was bad she was horrid!

marymac

[bewildered2]

Well, the deed is done. Over. Strange behaviour till the end, no doubt helped by the bottle of wine.

Marymac, you are very right, fun till it isn't fun. I didn't want to judge her too quickly, but honestly, I think she may be BPD. And she told me that she had a boyfriend who committed suicide when she was 19 because she left him.   

Bob, I am attracted to intelligent, witty, good looking women. I am not attracted to damaged/dysfunctional women. I gave her a chance, she blew it.

Pizaluvr, I think she has been sizing me up to mirror me. I asked her if she has ever been in love, she said no. Not until now, with me (yeah, sure-what a preposterous thing to say, I wonder how many times she has used that line before). This is despite having "hundreds" of boyfriends. We are very different people. And you know something else, I refused to be drawn into it, because despite a lot of time with her over the last three months I felt there was something "off" about her, and bottom line, I didn't trust her. Who knows how I would have reacted to it all if I hadn't had my previous experience? Probably have bought into it like last time. It is a tricky one, at times I thought I saw many many pieces of evidence of BPD, but I didn't want to make a hasty decision. BPD or not, her behaviour is unacceptable.   

Cricket, you said it very well. Just like my brother, who said, "she is fun, but who does those kind of things?".

Thanks to everyone for your honest and frank comments.

B2

 

[liberateddad]

As always B2...  glad you have your eyes wide open.  Mine are.   Glad you are here.  Glad we all are here.   Let's keep it that way.

LD

[JoannaK]

I am not attracted to damaged/dysfunctional women. I gave her a chance, she blew it.

Last time I will mention this...  As dear old Bob58 points out, you knew she was damaged and dysfunctional back in February.  So...  did you give her a chance to prove you wrong?  Or did you give her a chance to get un-damaged and un-dysfunctional?

[taxed]

Hi B2, you may remember me from some time ago, I posted a few replies when you first parked up in here, in fact, you skidded in with gravel flying right behind me. Well it seams like we’re both on the road again, man, heading in the same direction and stopping off in the old haunts for a quick look round; I’m that dust cloud just a few miles ahead of you.

Joanna asks ‘or did you give her a chance to get un-damaged and un-dysfunctional’. That’s a cute question, one I’ve recently been asking myself following a few rounds with yet another ravishing, exciting, eye fluttering loony tune in high heels. I stayed detached, I did not get hurt, I patted myself on the back for sussing her out and I said adios after three months, yet I knew after three days she was in a warped orbit – oh, by then I was the only one that had ever understood her, she wanted to move in and I could leap tall buildings in a single bound. 

Why did I stay around for three months? Well yeah, the sex was great, she looked good on my arm and I’m a sucker for those dancing, thick lined lashes. But the truth appears to be that I still don’t fully trust my instincts, I still second guess them, I’m still not strong enough to just walk away from a stunning nutcase with a pout to die for. I’m still giving them a slight chance to get un-damaged and un-dysfunctional.

My Red Adare rescue service for dysfunctional lovers has the ‘out of service’ sign up these days, but, it appears I’ll still answer the phone. Back to flicking through the well thumbed Eggshells I think. Good luck, we’re learning

Taxed

[Bob58]

Humans have a tendency to repeat patterns of behavior.  Sometimes those pattern are successful.  Sometimes they are not.

Often the indivdual has a difficult time recognizing those patterns in themselves.  Even when they do recognize a "less than successful" pattern, it can be extremely difficult to break.

But the simple, and most basic, truism for these patterns is...

"Keep doing what you've always done and you'll keep getting what you've always got."

[JoannaK]

((B2)), sweetie...  I just hope you can stay away.  You thought she was problematic when you met her, and you've discovered that, yes, you were right.  Please don't let yourself get fooled by a re-engagement.

[taxed]

Spot on there Bob; recognise the patterns, foresee the inevitable consequences and then... go for it. Quite. 

Patterns, under a spell, whatever we call our behaviour and obsessions, it’s been an awakening for me to realise how much bad behaviour I’ll choose to ignore, justify and put up with just as long as the lady chewing off my arm tells me I’m great and let’s me come galloping over the hill as the romantic lead in a few dramatic rescue scenes.

Hmmm. I think I’m just about there, how’s about you B2?

[bewildered2]

LD, taxed, Bob, Jo,

All good comments and good questions, thanks for them all. I will keep them in mind as I move forwards.

I have slowly come to realize something, and that is that you can't really save someone if you can't save yourself first. Obvious really. And if you're looking for someone to make you happy then you're in for big trouble.

I got into trouble with Psycho-Slut 1 because I was vulnerable. A bad marriage had left me starved of the basics I needed and wanted; intimacy, companionship, and partnership. I guess my self-esteem was at a pretty low point at the time and along came the answer in the form of a fun, attentive, minx. It didn't matter that she had obvious problems, she answered my needs at the time, very well in fact. The problem arose when I tried to make her into something she wasn't and can never be. As Snoop Dogg says, "you can't make a Queen out of a hood rat".

The months of pain I went through post the break-up have paid off in a way I didn't forsee. It has made me emotionally independent. I am no longer looking to meet someone who can make me happy. I must make myself happy, and I am doing so.

This latest girl may be BPD, or maybe not, I don't know. But I know for a fact that she has some major issues, she is unhappy, and she is looking for me to change her life for her. I am not the answer for her in the same way that Psycho-Slut 1 was not the answer for me (or anyone). And I know from experience that taking on her problems would result in disaster for me.

I believe that I am no longer vulnerable. I can't get sucked in. I have learned my lessons the hard way. Of course this pissed her off like crazy. "Why don't you love me and why aren't you obssessing about me like all the other guys?" Why? Because I know where that path leads, and I'm not going there. Ever.

I can put my hand on my heart today and say that even if Psycho-Slut 1 called me and tried the old re-engagement I'd say, "I wish you well, no, I don't want to meet up, you need to get some help, good luck". I wouldn't believe a single word she said. So I guess I've made a little progress.

My needs have changed. And the way I satisfy those needs has changed too. Bad news for Borderlines who want to get their hooks into me, but good news for B2.   

Like an old classic car, I can look from afar and admire it, the beautiful lines, the paintwork, the hand-made leather interior. Beautiful? Yes. Would I want to own it? No. Why not? Because I know what lies under the glossy exterior, trouble.

Do I love the car? Yes. Do I want it? No.

Just like a Borderline.   

B2



             

[TonyC]

funny i dated two women , who just said somethings,that unsettled me...,

does it bother you that ive been married 3 times , (she was 38)
BPD or not...see ya

another ...my father abused me when i was young...
didnt have to even think about it...check please

a little paranoid?
i now hand out true/ false tests,with the criteria for BPD.
 like the kind at diners ya know with the crayons...

score one...     mmmmmmmmmmm
score more than   3 ...check please

tonyc



Topic Continued - see http://www.BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60589.0