What can I say instead of 'I'm sorry'?

[Think About It...]

Okay - here is my concern - we can come up with strategies for dealing with them.  I remember apologizing for things I didn't do - it made me sick to my stomach.  BUt I did it to avoid the pain I would get in my stomach when he would become angry or would cold shoulder me.  BUt the real question?  Why do we want to work so hard to come up with the right response, the right affect, etc.?  No matter what we do, we are appeasing them and trying to avoid the fight.  It's all walking on eggshells as far as I'm concerned.  It takes too much energy.  My brain was ready to explode trying to figure out how to handle him - I had to plan for two days for anything that I wanted to ask him to do with me - I had to dance around his rages and his cold shoulder.  It was toooooooooooooooooo much effort - (EMPHASIS SUPPLIED)  F**K IT and F**K HIM - who needs it? 

[gertrude]

Okay - here is my concern - we can come up with strategies for dealing with them.  I remember apologizing for things I didn't do - it made me sick to my stomach.  BUt I did it to avoid the pain I would get in my stomach when he would become angry or would cold shoulder me.  BUt the real question?  Why do we want to work so hard to come up with the right response, the right affect, etc.?  No matter what we do, we are appeasing them and trying to avoid the fight.  It's all walking on eggshells as far as I'm concerned.  It takes too much energy.  My brain was ready to explode trying to figure out how to handle him - I had to plan for two days for anything that I wanted to ask him to do with me - I had to dance around his rages and his cold shoulder.  It was toooooooooooooooooo much effort - (EMPHASIS SUPPLIED)  F**K IT and F**K HIM - who needs it? 

[Peace4us]

After years of saying sorry and feeling inferior most of us get to this stage and say   

F**K IT and F**K HIM - who needs it? 

Bravo. That's what I wanted to say here, glad you did.

Peace4us

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[JoannaK]

The last couple of replies point to the big issue:  We apologize because we want to keep the peace and/or we want to be loved...  we want to be regarded as "good" again by the BPD partner.  When we start handling these things appropriately; that is, without apologizing or defending, just making a comment and/or ignoring the situation, the BPD will start to feel a lack of control over us.. and the behaviors may ratchet up or change forms.  Unless the BPD changes quickly, it will be the beginning of the end (or the middle of the end or the end of the end).  When we develop a certain amount of obectivity about these things, we start to really dislike or simply devalue the BPD... I mean; how can you still be so enchanted with someone who is proving over and over again that he/she is just really...  a moron? 

As you pull away and they feel it, then you will get the "you think you are so perfect... Nobody knows you the way I do" crap. 

Andrena, you may be still hoping for "enlightenment" by your BPDso.  You may still be hoping that he will see the error of his ways and become a decent partner.  That won't happen until/unless he realizes that his behavior is inappropriate and abusive.  I would agree with the others that you shouldn't apologize for something that you didn't do or that is simply something that just happens during the course of the day.  You have a few good responses here...  you might just say "things happen" and leave it at that.  One of the things that we don't mention here as much as we should is that BPD/npd types often get to us not by the words they use, but by their attitude, tone of voice, etc.  It's not just that there is a spot left on an item of clothing...it's that their tone of voice says that you are an incompetent laundry-doer (therefore an incompetent human being) because you didn't see or treat the stain.

In this kind of situation, you need to either ignore it or treat it as if the person said something in a normal tone of voice.  "Just throw it back in the dirty clothes."...  without emotion or apology.  "You forgot my special food when you were at the grocery store."  "Can you write a note and tape it to the door so I can remember it next time?"  Or:  "I'm not going out again.  If you want it now, you will have to get it yourself."  It's very hard to do this stuff. 

[andrena]

JoannaK,

You bring up some very valid points.  I have said "I'm sorry" just to keep the peace - not to be loved.  I am pretty good at being nonchalant when he complains about groceries.  We have a whiteboard on the fridge that people are supposed to use when we need something.  I simply ask "Did you put it on the board?".  There's nothing he can say after that - this works with the kids too.  Same goes for laundry - he doesn't like it, he can do it himself.

It's when he twists things around and he says things like "Don't you think you could have said that in a nicer tone?"  Or "Don't you think you could have said it in such and such way?"  Needless to say, he doesn't ask that question in a very nice tone.  Of course I probably could have, but we're in the middle of an argument here!  LOL!  I think I just answered my own question - don't get caught up in it!

I'm getting better, but it is hard.  One day at a time.

[elphaba]

Andrena...

You're getting good at this game...can somebody get this girl a prize!

... don't get caught up in it...DETACH...easy to say, much much harder to do.

I grew up in a household where yelling/arguing/fighting was the norm, so...I don't mind a good argument now and then, but, with a BPDso arguing just feeds their need for control.  As non's we feel the need to defend ourselves, our parenting, our abilty to do even everyday tasks is almost always under attack from the BPD...they know our triggers and what wil make us react. 

The underlying issue here is that we are dealing with someone who is mentally ill and cannot have a rational argument.  As nons/rational beings fighting the irrational...we may as well be Don Quixote fighting a windmill.

[Jeffree]

This is why I love BPDFamily, point blank statements such as the following:

F**K IT and F**K HIM - who needs it?

The underlying issue here is that we are dealing with someone who is mentally ill and cannot have a rational argument.

How can you still be so enchanted with someone who is proving over and over again that he/she is just really...  a moron?

Ummm, you have an untreated illness ya nit wit. But keep ignoring it, I'm sure it'll get better & you'll be much more successful in the future if only you paint me black, distort me to the world, then hook up with many others! I'm sure they will obviously be able to "fix" you.

It just doesn't get any simpler than these statements and so many others in all the other threads. Sometimes ya' just gotta call a spade a spade. If it walks like a psycho, talks like a psycho, chances are it's...A PSYCHO!

--J

[gertrude]

Hey Elphaba - your post struck home with me.  He was critical - of so much - I called him a sensorious (harshly critical) misanthrope (people hater).  But here's the funny one - he mostly criticised my parenting - two daughters 17 and 21 - who by all accounts are decent kids - they give me a run for my money once in a while and my eldest can be fresh - but they're good kids, don't get into trouble, my eldest is graduating from a good college, etc.  He has a grown son.  When the boy was three years old, wife number one left him - she moved several hundred miles away and he NEVER say or spoke to the child again until 23 years later, when the reconciled.  They had their shot at it and now do not speak to each other at all.  in fact, my ex wanted to sue his son for some bad business deal that cost him a couple of thousand dollars.  AND he criticised my parenting.  That's pretty funny, isn't it?  Carol

[elphaba]

Oh yeah...my stbxh criticised my parenting CONSTANTLY...even though he had no experience with parenting when we got together (instant family), as my older two began to mature (now 19, 21), he got worse...again, these are relatively good kids, no real trouble.  Now, they cannot even stand the site of him or the mention of his name.

Ironically when I talked to him the other day, he told me that the reason that he always had such a hard time with it all was because I was such a GREAT parent that there was no room for him in that.  My girls and I have close relationships and they (shocking) actually talk to me...if he had just been willing to worry less about control and more about having a good relationship with them, he could have been the "cool, musician step dad" instead of the sensorious misanthrope who wanted to have power over them. 

I refused to apologize for my parenting, I did what I thought was best for my kids when we were together and when I told him to leave the house.  I wish it could have been different, but, it isn't.

oops..sorry for the slight hi-jack...

Best solution for the subject at hand = detachment...

 

[tired]

It's when he twists things around and he says things like "Don't you think you could have said that in a nicer tone?"  Or "Don't you think you could have said it in such and such way?"  Needless to say, he doesn't ask that question in a very nice tone.  Of course I probably could have, but we're in the middle of an argument here!  LOL!  I think I just answered my own question - don't get caught up in it!

I'm getting better, but it is hard.  One day at a time.

I have been caught up in this for years with my BPDh.  I realized there is something in me that has to answer the questions, and before I know what happened, he has taken control of the situation, and I don't know what happened.  I have stopped answering the questions that divert us from the topic at hand.  There is no rule that we have to allow ourselves to be interrogated, and there isn't anything we can say at that point that will change their mind.  We can take charge of the conversation, or leave it altogether.