Help - I Want Him Back

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Ok - so there has been no contact since he broke it off 2/6 - I sent a letter asking him to get help (maybe I was hoping he would respond) I have lost my resolve for NC. Just tried to phone him - thank goodness he wasn't home. I miss him so much -

I am afraid he hates me or wants nothing to do with me -

The last time there was NC for 34 days & he was happy  when I had contacted him (of course - that was before this last incidence) I cannot for the life of me understand what is going on. I've been painted black & banished - I feel horrible about it - I miss him so much

[flower1sun1]

Ok - so there has been no contact since he broke it off 2/6 - I sent a letter asking him to get help (maybe I was hoping he would respond) I have lost my resolve for NC. Just tried to phone him - thank goodness he wasn't home. I miss him so much -

I am afraid he hates me or wants nothing to do with me -

The last time there was NC for 34 days & he was happy  when I had contacted him (of course - that was before this last incidence) I cannot for the life of me understand what is going on. I've been painted black & banished - I feel horrible about it - I miss him so much

[tracer]

wow. i can really relate. i miss mine too, if just for the friendship. how do they cut us out like that and never look back. i called mine last saturday. she never returned my call. she has never returned my emails in the past either. i guess i am painted black too and still dont know what i did to deserve it. it hurts though.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[lennic]

You have to do what you have to do..no more..no less. I had to drink every last drink I drank before I became sick and tired of being sick and tired enough to change.

There is a poster here that I watched going back to the well over and over. I lost hope for him. Today I respect him greatly for it took his journey for me to realize the same process works here. We need the hope beaten out of us. Every last particle.

Then we let go. My wish is that we get only bruised and not forever scarred from the battle.

It is my wish for you both.

Lenny

[Serenity.]

We need the hope beaten out of us. Every last particle.

Then we let go.

Lenny, this is so true.

[cali girl]

If you are the same person (which i presume you are) that posted the thread "Can I ever be white in his eyes again" I would seriously go back to that thread and do some reading -  You are really playing with fire  :-\

For the sake of your sanity and safety, walk away.

[JoannaK]

We can talk about "no contact" from now until doomsday.  We can tell people what this disorder is and what it means.  But sometimes people come here, flower, and they just aren't ready to break things off.

If you miss him terribly and if you can't yet understand what this disorder is... nor what the disorder of "nonness" is... then perhaps the best thing you can do is to go back.. beg him to take you back and admit that you were "wrong"...even if he hit you or called you names.  Sometimes we need to go back again and again.. and then we finally get the strength to stay away.

But if you go back, try to get some therapy and try to do life-affirming things...  Do one thing to be stronger this time.  One thing...  keep one friendship that you might have given up; do one thing for yourself even if he objects.  

And if you do go back, if he takes you back and it all falls apart, we'll be here to help you through it again.  But if you do one thing to get stronger this time, eventually you will see more clearly.  But maybe the time is not now.

[forgotten]

Joanna K makes an interesting point...sometimes we are not strong enough for NC...we have to go back and get beat up again and again before we finally come to our senses...

If you do go back and get burned again - I do however advise a crash and burn strategy when you are the most angry and most hurt...do something, say something that will get you painted permanently black so that he will want nothing ever to do with you again...sometime that is the best way to protect you from him and yourself

[rocky77]

I'm currently in the black zone and have been there since she ended it right before Christmas.  I have been hoping and praying that things would change but they haven't.  And I have sent several emails that she never responded to.  In fact they did nothing but make her hate me more.  I feel powerless when it comes to her.  Everytime I try to reach out to her I give her every last bit of power that I have.  This is not how relationships are supposed to be.  A good friend told me recently that "No girl is worth crying over and the one who is won't make you cry.".

The dynamic of these relationships is that they take you to the heights of heaven for a while.  And then they suddenly send you to hell with no good explanation.  It leaves logical people in a big bind trying to figure out why and how this happened so suddenly.  I also let mine take every bit of self-esteem I had and destroy it.  It's like asking a kid to give you his current toy for a better/newer one.  And after he falls in love with his new toy you rip it away from him for playing with it the wrong way, make him feel absolutely responsible for things he doesn't understand and storming off with nothing left to hold onto...

I feel like that kid everyday  :'(

[hallelujah]

Flower,
I am in my second go round with BPD or something similar. When my first ex painted me black she reached out 12 hours later and  informed me that she really wanted me in her life, but just wasnt ready for a relationship or something. I engaged her on this and for the next four months I was caught in an excruciating purgatory where I was not her boyfriend and didnt get anything I really wanted except for the validation that she still wanted me at some level and she got all the supply she needed. Nearly every night for four months we talked before going to bed. Sometimes, I would hear from her 12 times a day. I got the perverse and unfulfilling satisfaction that she couldnt exist without me, but absolutely nothing else. If that experience didnt break me, it came as close as I could come to breaking. It was a disaster.

When my most recent ex broke up with me a few weeks ago, she sent me an email 12 hours later inquiring about the rules for staying in touch. After a few reflection, I sent her an email explaining why we cant do that. Too much pain and disrespect and not enough trust. It has been hard to not contact her. I am writing on this board now because I want to call her and see how she is. But I cant do that. I remember what it was like to have that last sliver of hope and the pain that hope led to. This is hard. That is harder.

You have to come to this in your own time, of course, but you can at least start to internalize some of the lessons of those that come here for comfort and guidance. Staying in contact with my first ex nearly broke me. Not contacting my second has been hard, very hard, but soon it will not be so hard. I promise.

Good luck.
Hallelujah

[isthisreal]

Lenni, were you talking about me in your post?  LOL.

Yea, it's true, you can't quit until you're ready.  Until then, you're miserable and just can't stop yourself.  But, you can bet the very last penny you have in the bank that the relationship will never get better and they'll never ever change.  It's a lost cause.  How much of your life do you wanna waste on it?  I wasted 2 years too many of my life.  I'm glad it's over now.  I'm ...  FREE!  Hope you can get there too, someday.  We'll be here for you until then...

[brucey]

Flower, don't get impulsive.  Stop and think.  Yesterday you were angry and felt that you had learned something.  Today you are just having an uncontrollable impulse.  Don't act on it.  Just wait and it will go away.  Don't make contact with him.

Listen, here's what helped for me: I realized that there was nothing I could say or do that would help.  Can you see that?  Even if he agreed to get back together with you, where would that go?  He is disturbed and you would have a dead-end relationship full of anguish.  You'd be on a rollercoaster until he left again.  There is nothing you can say or do that will help.  He is disturbed.  He is not relationship material.  He will only hurt you.  Do you want to be hurt even worse?  You must stay away from him.  He cannot be stable.  He is nothing but trouble.  Don't give in for a short-term reprieve when the long-term will be even more pain.

Stop and think before you act.  Don't call him.  Don't see him.  Don't write to him.  Think first and you will realize that it will do no good.  If you can't figure it out, write to us here on BPDFamily and we will help you through it.  There is no good that can come from contact.  It will only be temporary relief from your grief and missing.  In the long run you will be much worse off.  One of these days you have to move on with your life WITHOUT HIM.  You need to do it sooner or later.  Sooner is better.  Right now is the best time of all.  Start your new life now.  Get going.  Without him.  Make yourself a nice life.  It can be done.  The first step is to realize that you cannot have any contact with him ever again.  Say goodbye to him and get going on creating a happy, stable life.  It will take awhile, but it would be very wise to not waste any more time by beginning now.  Good luck.

[forgotten]

ITR-

I was wondering too if Lenny was talking about you!  I read all your posts when i first joined this board due to the similarity of our situations and I was like why does he keep going back for more abuse...if I am ever that bad someone please shoot me!

But even you survived and got out of it...inspiration for others on here!

[forgotten]

Flower-

Brucey is very wise so listen to him...Many of us including myself made the mistake of breaking NC and regretted it.  For me though even though it hurt like hell at first when I got kicked in the face AGAIN, it did help me get to a place where I never wanted to go back again for more abuse.  So you may need to go thru a bit of that yourself in order to move forward and let go.

But Brucey is right - what you have to deal with is these almost uncontrollable impulses that transend logic...I remember giving into a few myself a few months back and thinking aftrewards - what the hell was I thinking?  That all of a sudden they were going to change and miraculously recover from this illness and be just so appreciative that you reached out to them?  Sorry it is not going to happen and you will no doubt regret your actions...

So when you get those urges - jump on here or reach out to someone; get a sponsor that will help you out and talk some sense into you when logic fails...your other thread showed your logical mind coming to the forefront, this one is showing your injured heart taking over...unfortunately it will likely only get injured more if you listen to it.

[aames]

Flower,

Is it HIM that you miss, or the idea of him that you miss?  What I'm trying to say is - if you know he needs help, and the relationship wasn't living up to your expectations or standards; if you weren't getting out of it everything that you deserve  - if in fact there were parts of the relationship that actually made you miserable...
is it really him  - or the hope, the potential, the light, that you thought you glimpsed in him -  that has you twisting yourself up in knots?

Believe me - I understand missing a person. I do: I miss the man I was involved with too, every day.   I miss the companionship, the conversations, the laughter -  the comfort of having another body to hold onto, the regularity  - the normalness of it all -- the hope for what could have (should have?) been -

But the reality is - he wasn't honest and couldn't provide what I needed or deserved in the realtionship (honesty, monogamy) and so I was forced to break things off with him - to strike out on my own again in order to prevent myself from getting hurt even deeper, further down the line.

We were done on Jan 1 - and haven't had contact since Jan 6.  And he lives NEXT DOOR to me!   20 paces away:  but I haven't broken NC because I won't be deluded into thinking either one of us can change - or that a compromise is even possible (it certainly isn't prefereable).  He'll never give up his "right" to persue other women, and I'll never settle for being just another filly in some dude's stable...

NC hurts - it's not easy - but Hallelujah has a point -- it's sure a lot better than deluding yourself with that sliver of hope that things can/will change and the world will be rosy again if only you could have him back. 

It's a helluva lot better to live through the temporary pain of withdrawl than to go back and  prostrate yourself in front of him -  giving him the power to decide your happiness - based on whether he's with you or not. 

You know what keeps me strong with NC?   The fact that he not only told me - but has since demonstrated  - that in his world - women and relationships are entirely interchangeable.

Thats right!  He said:  "If one doesn't work out , you just move on to the next"

That tells me that  - in his mind - women have about as much value as a kleenex or a disposable razor.    We're convenience items - to be picked up at any corner store, used for a while, and then tossed away just as thoughtlessly.

Well, I knew another man with that attitude a while back - and after getting tossed around for a bit,  I let him go for a year - a solid YEAR of N/C... then he came crawling back, and I allowed myself to be picked back up and toyed with for another spell  - then the same pattern emerged and it was time to toss me away again.   

Like JoannaK said - sometimes you're just not ready for N/C, and you have to go through the hell of that discovery for yourself.   Sometimes we need to go back again and again.. and then we finally get the strength to stay away.

So - stay N/C if you're able - but don't beat yourself up too badly if you aren't -
you'll learn a valuable, if painful lesson -  and {again quoting JoannaK:} if you do go back, if he takes you back and it all falls apart, we'll be here to help you through it again. 


A

[flower1sun1]

Thank you everyone for your encouragment & advice. I was having a weak time of it today - and am glad he wasn't home when I called.

I realize that I have a problem that I would so easily forgive someone who treated me in this manner - not only forgive - but seek him out in hopes of reconciliation. Of Course - that is ridiculous - it is not healthy.

I have a history of relationships & marriages with severly dysfuntional men and realize I have my own issues I am dealing with (codependency? dependent personality?) I see a therapist next Monday - I have to understand what my own issues are so I can break the cycle of brief -unhealthy relationships with truly disturbed people. I realize in some fashion - I am quite similar to my BPD ex - seeking identity & validation from external factors - easy to say - hard to change. Any advice on this is most welcome. Thank you all again!

[forgotten]

The good thing is that you recognize your own "weaknesses" that you need to deal with.  For the meantime while trying to figure out how to fix or repair those weaknesses, recognize that you have them and don't give into them.  Create some stratagies for coping when you have these moments of weakness so that you don't do anything you may regret (oh like calling and begging for him back or something!)

Stay strong - lots of folks out here pulling for you!

[PDQuick]

Flower, Only now, on the road to self recovery, will you bloom with such beauty and grace that all will bask in your new sunshine.

[NHBeachBum]

Flower,

We all have gone through our weak moments. Next time you feel the urge to contact your ex, stop and think about why you want to contact him, then think about what the reality of your conversation would be. Do you think he's changed since you started NC? Has he started to work on himself & work on his illness in order to be in a healthy, stable relationship? Before acting on any impulses to contact him, take time to think about all the abusive things he did to you & ask yourself if it's really worth it. Most likely any contact with him will result in far worse pain. BPD's love to feed off us non's weakness for them. It's such an ego boost for them knowing that they have control. Typically they re-engagement us back in for a very brief period, then inflict much more damage to our already hurting self-esteem by telling us ridiculous stories about how someone new in their life makes them so much happier than us. Then they like to take the opportunity to give us yet another jab & blame us yet again for the failed relationship & how bad we were for them.

Keep focusing on yourself & working out your own issues. Time heals all wounds. Just focus on getting through today with NC & you'll be fine. When you feel weak, don't be too hard on yourself. We all seem to take a step back at times then a couple forward.

Good luck.
-NHBB

[brucey]

Flower, stay on track.  You can learn, improve, flourish.  You don't need to repeat mistakes.  You don't need to fall back on old habits.  Think first before acting.  See your therapist.  Then go back.  Keep reading.  Try writing a journal.  Write about the kind of person you want to be.  What would that person do?  Learn to be patient.  Do the right thing.  You will get there.  It's a long road, but anyone can improve and develop.  You can become the person you want to be.  Read here.  Ask yourself what the right thing to do is for the people here.  Ask that question about yourself.  You can learn about personality disorders.  You can learn what is right.  You can make progress.  It might be slow, but so what?  Stay on track.  Don't fall back.  Don't give in to impulses.  Stay strong.  It is not necessary to be abused in order to move forward.  You can learn through reading, writing, talking, and listening.  Figure out what kind of life you want, then figure out what steps you need to take to get there.  One step at a time.  See your therapist.  Talk to family and friends.  Find a hobby.  Meet people.  Talk.  It helps, too, to write to people at BPDFamily.  If you can write good advice for others, eventually you will apply those ideas to yourself.  Stay on track.  Move toward what you want.  Don't have contact with people who are unstable or abusive.

[bewildered2]

Flower,

Think about one word:

DISCIPLINE

You know he is sick, and you know his sickness results in you being abused, so you know he is bad news, and you know he isn't going to get better.

So one day, maybe today, maybe next time, you are gonna make a decision to be strong and do what you also know is best for you, which is to go NC and stay NC.

This will require a huge amount of self-discipline. It will hurt like a motherF____r. So, expect that. But it will all be in a good cause. I know, i've been there. Go read my pathetic story if you don't believe me.

I was lucky. My ex-wacko called the police on me. Reality check! She did what? Called the police, on me? For alleged abuse? What a joke, except the joke was on me, and it really wasn't very funny. And all the crap I took from her in the previous 2-3 years wasn't very funny either.

Thats when it hit home. When the police called me and I was sitting in a little cubicle facing two female police officers who had been persuaded by the love of my life that I was this horrible abusive creep. 

Maybe you need to taste some more crap before you have enough respect for yourself to take some bitter medecine, and het away from this sadly ill person before he takes you down any further.

All I'm saying is that sooner or later you're gonna have to take some pain to get free of this monster. When you do it is up to you. But whenever you do it you're gonna have to remember the word that will set you free: DSICIPLINE.

B2 

 

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