Anger/frustration

[Think About It...]

Has anyone experienced periods of time when things are nuetral, not "great" and not "bad", where as a non you find yourself being short/angry/irritable with your partner? Even if they are being nice or sweet?

I recently had a serious row with my girl (a few days ago). She was home, and I was invited to go out drinking with some friends. I invited her, and she declined, and asked me to call her later.

I went out, and accidentally left my cell phone at home. I came home pretty drunk to 19 missed calls. I called her, and it was just ugly from there (screaming, yelling, she came over, beating her fists on her head, insulting, "you were GLAD i wasnt there!", the WORKS). I told her that I was really drunk, and it wasnt the right time to talk about it. She wouldnt listen, and couldnt calm down (saying that all I had to do was comfort her when shes like this, why cant I just comfort her? Its my fault!)

The next day I was pretty mad, and tried to talk to her about it. She was mad that I wasnt being all cuddly with her, and was trying to bring it up. I at some point sort of got through, but I felt like I really wasnt heard (i told her what she did was totally innapropriate) and it was just kind of a kiss and "OK" and then sort of pretend it never happened.

I find myself this week being short with her on the phone. It's happened before. I call her and I'm a little rude, short, sort of sighing obnoxiously when I ask her when shes coming over or what she wants for dinner and she says "I don't know."

I guess I feel really withdrawn. And mad. And resentful. She's coming over tonight, and I feel so pushed away from her, and I just KNOW it's going to hit the fan tonight because I'm going to be cold.

Does anyone else have any of these reactions? What do you do to try and make it better?

[keptquiet]

Has anyone experienced periods of time when things are nuetral, not "great" and not "bad", where as a non you find yourself being short/angry/irritable with your partner? Even if they are being nice or sweet?

I recently had a serious row with my girl (a few days ago). She was home, and I was invited to go out drinking with some friends. I invited her, and she declined, and asked me to call her later.

I went out, and accidentally left my cell phone at home. I came home pretty drunk to 19 missed calls. I called her, and it was just ugly from there (screaming, yelling, she came over, beating her fists on her head, insulting, "you were GLAD i wasnt there!", the WORKS). I told her that I was really drunk, and it wasnt the right time to talk about it. She wouldnt listen, and couldnt calm down (saying that all I had to do was comfort her when shes like this, why cant I just comfort her? Its my fault!)

The next day I was pretty mad, and tried to talk to her about it. She was mad that I wasnt being all cuddly with her, and was trying to bring it up. I at some point sort of got through, but I felt like I really wasnt heard (i told her what she did was totally innapropriate) and it was just kind of a kiss and "OK" and then sort of pretend it never happened.

I find myself this week being short with her on the phone. It's happened before. I call her and I'm a little rude, short, sort of sighing obnoxiously when I ask her when shes coming over or what she wants for dinner and she says "I don't know."

I guess I feel really withdrawn. And mad. And resentful. She's coming over tonight, and I feel so pushed away from her, and I just KNOW it's going to hit the fan tonight because I'm going to be cold.

Does anyone else have any of these reactions? What do you do to try and make it better?

[qkslvrgirl]

Hi Keptquiet.

Yes, I have changed because my uBPD bf hurts me with his silent rages and insults, even in the midst of an otherwise good time!

I have disengaged, which has caused me to be more sarcastic and quicker to offend. I have the option to leave and go back to my own home, and I choose to do that rather than be abused by him.

He is very ill, but I don't think he will ever realize it.

Let us know how your evening turned out.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[MsHydesHubby]

Kept, I think you need to realize that you are being verbally/emotionally abused.  Try and read the articles on abuse (home page).  It's perfectly normal to feel what you're feeling.  Even the most loving dog will bite when kicked hard enough.

Brian

[macman]

 I am in exactly that same situation.  My wife will rage at me, not listen to anything that I have to say, and then she will want to be comforted (her exact words).  She has not figured out that it is difficult to comfort someone after that person just verbally abused you.  I have tried to explain this to her, but it has not done any good. 

As for the neutral times, I have the same problems.  You are still upset over what happened, and don't feel like making any more futile efforts.  Eventually, they get upset and blame you for "holding on to the past".  For them, the past is anything that happened more than an hour ago and you are supposed to deal with them as they are now.  While love is not supposed to keep a record of ones, it is hard to feel comfortable and safe around these people.

I try to deal with it as best I can.  I have learned to ignore some of the smaller outbursts and to bite my tongue and be "nice" as much as I can.  After MC, we often go across the street for coffee.  If the session was bad, and she is still going to gripe at me, I go anyway.  If I don't, I will catch it all week end for not wanting to listen to or comfort her.  I figure another hour of pain is better than a week end of hell.  You have to pick your fights and decide what to let roll off you.

[Peace4us]

KQ

Yes, it is normal.  You take it, take it, take it, over and over, the constant anguish of whats around the next corner. It builds and builds, and then for what seems like nothing all that pent up stuff has to come out.

It's like when things are relatively calm, we can burst, beacause there is actually some space and time to release instead of fighting.

No matter how well we can justify things, we too are human and can take in only so much.

And until we get out, we can never trulyy get good at dealing with the years of build up.

This is just another way dealing with a BPD ends up making us "appear" crazy.

Peace4us

[Budgerigar]

I am in exactly that same situation.  My wife will rage at me, not listen to anything that I have to say, and then she will want to be comforted (her exact words).  She has not figured out that it is difficult to comfort someone after that person just verbally abused you.  I have tried to explain this to her, but it has not done any good. 

I strongly echo macman,qkslvrgirl and your words exactly.

Its very normal to feel angry, frustrated, bitter and sarcastic. My BPD wife does the same, she will rage over something which has to do with her short-fuse, pick on me until eventually I have to admit "a" fault, swear at me for long periods, slander my character and family. Then I have to make up with her - console her, calm her, cajole her. And there is never, I repeat, never an apology for the swearing, hitting etc. The very next day Im supposed to be all my bubbly self etc... Its so devastating to keep it all in and act normal - discussion has ended no where and as macman mentioned she'll accuse me for bringing up the past. :|

[nevergiveup]

Yes, this is my ex too. After behaving terribly she'd want affection - it was as if the rage had only involved her and I'd just been a witness to it rather than the target of it. It was like she wanted a cuddle from daddy after having been frightened by her own rage. The next day if I was upset about it she'd be cold and hostile, tell me that I needed to "get over it", or "move on" or at her worst she'd snarl angrily at me for "wallowing in self-pity" or "talking self-pitying sht" or something equally insulting.

[Krakatoa]

My ex would do more or less exactly the same. After a tasty chewing -out, verbal assault, character assassination etc etc, they're incredulous that you seem to be either confused or slightly recalcitrant about proffering love, comfort and succour.
They drive you away by calling you every name under the sun and somehow have the gall to demand affection. So off it goes again.
It's astonishing that a threat to kill you said in what seems to be in all earnesty at any given time can be brushed aside and blamed on ( in her words) "The mood"
It took me nearly three years to discover that "The mood" has another name and it's not to be trifled with. Those three innocuous little letters are so damaging to both parties, I think I'll be scared of acronyms for the forseeable future.
I quote
" You were forewarned about the mood. Better leave me alone as there's plenty more from where that came from and I am getting increasingly wound up"

Because of the difficulty they have to see anyone's situation but their own and combined with their emotional volatility I can only see one outcome:-You're on a hiding to nothing right now.
Look after yourself.

K