What would you do?

[Think About It....]

If you had sole custody of your children, would you choose to let your exBPD have a relationship with your children?  I am wondering because my exBPD took off paid no child support left all responsibility to me and my new boyfriend for 2 months (including financial and emotionally, missed his b-day) and comes back and does the whole guilt trip thing to me saying he loves his son and wants to see him.  My son has finally got close to my new boyfriend and stoped crying for his daddy (he's only 3) but when he first left it was hard for him.  He has stopped calling his mommy a butt (which his dad taught him)  I don't have to let him see him because he did not show up to court so i got sole custody.  I am just seeking some advice.  Thanks so much!

[mich155]

If you had sole custody of your children, would you choose to let your exBPD have a relationship with your children?  I am wondering because my exBPD took off paid no child support left all responsibility to me and my new boyfriend for 2 months (including financial and emotionally, missed his b-day) and comes back and does the whole guilt trip thing to me saying he loves his son and wants to see him.  My son has finally got close to my new boyfriend and stoped crying for his daddy (he's only 3) but when he first left it was hard for him.  He has stopped calling his mommy a butt (which his dad taught him)  I don't have to let him see him because he did not show up to court so i got sole custody.  I am just seeking some advice.  Thanks so much!

[Over The Drama]

Hi Mich,
Have you considered supervised visitation?  If BPDxh doesn't want to do that then it's his loss.  Then you've offered some sort of visitation and he can't say you're blocking contact with his son.  Also, he won't be as able to manipulate your son as he grows up, and "the btch" will be frowned upon by the supervisor. 

Our brief history:  We have sole custody of SD15 and offered visitation to the momster.  Well, after 6 months of silence to her daughter, she decided she wanted to see her daughter.  SD went to her house for two 5 day visits during Thanksgiving and Winter break.  BPDxw re-engaged her and almost convinced SD to move back with her.  Lawd she was lovie dovie.  Then she tried to plan SD and SD's boyfriend to spend Spring Break at her house without Hubby and me knowing about him coming!  Yes, she was okay with SD and bf having sex under her roof!      When we caught wind of this SD admitted it and we sent an email to momster telling her we know what is going on and she can have supervised visitation in our town at her expense. 

Guess what?  She won't waist the time or money to drive here to see her daughter for any supervised visitation.  She told SD that she'll see her in a year when she can drive to see her.  Momster won't pay a dime toward SD's healthcare (although she's legally supposed to pay half) and pays no child support.  And yet she claims she has "unconditional love" for her daughter  :-X

Hope that idea of supervised visitation helps you... it really made a world of difference to our daughter.  Your son is 3 now, but that is such a formative age.  You sound like you really want to protect him from the negative influences of his father.  Perhaps he'll also scoff at SV, but that's his choice, and your son will be even more protected... IMHO

[Her Mama]

If all this is documented (say videos of the child calling you by that name) or there are third party witnesses that can vouch for that and other issues that may have occurred, I would avoid allowing the contact. 

What are the visitations allowances in the custody order?  If he has some, are they for supervised visitation?  If there aren't, I'd make him go to court for it.  There's no sense in disrupting the life of a child if there isn't a compelling reason to do so.  Him making you feel guilty for not letting him disrupt the child's life...that's not one of them.  There are fathers and daddys, and then there are sperm donors.  Your ex falling into the last category.  IMO


KSM

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[djbett]

My first ex, who was a irresponsible drunk (not BPD) had visitation rights... but took off, didn't call, didn't write, didn't send bday/christmas gifts, etc.  Then after a year or so, he would show up... apologize, want to see the kids, etc.  Then after a few days... take off again.  It was very very hard on the kids... I think it was worse than if I just didn't let him see them at all!

I think, I'd say no.. and if he insisited... offer supervised.

[river]

"...would you choose to let your exBPD have a relationship with your children?"


Dear mich -

I don't suggest anyone deny a non-custodial parent some sort of visitation (aside from extreme cases of abuse, that is). As a child gets older, sometimes an aura of mystery surrounds the absent parent. We really can't control what our children might hear or believe, so I'm inclined to say that some sort of 'reality check' is a good thang. Yeah, broken hearts are very difficult to experience or watch when a non-custodial parent blows it, but somehow if you're there to help your little boy figure it out at the time, I think he will learn that even though people's actions can sometimes disappoint us, it's not a reflection on *him* and he is loved.

Then there's always that chance your son could blame you for 'keeping his dad away from him' when he gets to a certain age. (Even though he may anyway if 'dad' has his way... you'd have some sort of 'proof' otherwise.)

I think a supervised visitation plan - a couple hours, mebe twice a month - would be a great offer to your son's father. Whether he takes you up on it and can be consistent...? that's on him.


~ river

[laurena82]

Have you considered supervised visitation?  If BPDxh doesn't want to do that then it's his loss.  Then you've offered some sort of visitation and he can't say you're blocking contact with his son.

I agree..

[mich155]

Thank you, everyone for your advice! I really appreciate it!