the only ones that undersand it

[Think About It...]

x  just called asking me to have my son home bound schooled,wanting me to go along with it.no ,no and no here we go lawyer judges the whole dance all over again

[LEO]

x  just called asking me to have my son home bound schooled,wanting me to go along with it.no ,no and no here we go lawyer judges the whole dance all over again

[LEO]

Noe she has my son calling crying saying if i dont sign it today he will go to jail.I assured him he wont and will contact the principle to work it out.he is scared and being used,lied to Today i put my cabin up for sale as this is depleting all resources and anticipate a long battle with the lawyer first going after the multiple contempt of court charges against her.my blood pressure is up and i feel depleted and am going to bed.

[ruralstressed]

I understand the stress of depleting all resources, multiple contempt charges, going to bed even.  That seems all we are able to do.  Work, sleep, deal with the legal stuff. 

Take time for yourself as well.  I like to soak in the tub.  Sleep is good, it helps the body heal.  When are you getting your son again, you commented about current visitation? 

Herc and I are heading out of town the end of this week.  Just the need to get out of Dodge.  We are harrassing our own lawyer, not good.  He is doing all he can do.

What is your support network like?  Family?  Friends?  Coworkers that have dealt with custody?  Church?  Therapist?  Anyone?

It is turning into spring, I have done my best to try to get out.  My normal self revels in the outdoors, but as of late, I just barely get on the porch and sit for a while.  I attempt to do things but it overwhelms me and I want to lay down. 

Yeah, when his ex served false order of protection charges on him March of last year, I suddenly began having blood pressure issues.  Eating all the comfort foods, putting on weight is not helping.  The doctor also gave me a Rx for my nerves.  When she quit letting him see them completely just after we married in August, I did my best to hold him up and keep him going.  By October, he was diagnosed with a blood clot, but still the ex refused, and she filed for full custody.  I asked to be put on anti depressants.  The doctor also increased my doseage of nerve pills.  Herc began seeing a counselor, I had already been seeing one for a couple years.  The holidays nearly killed me.  Now I am off work, unable to do much.  I am still doing one job, but I took leave on the second part time job.  Slowly my sanity is coming back.  Herc has been dealing with his ubp ex since they married in 1983.  He is very patient and long suffering, but the sense of hopelessness is there. 

Keep faith and keep up a good fight. 
I bought the book, stop walking on egg shells with a workbook for us.  Soak up as much knowledge as you can.  Breathe, see your doctor, counselor and take care.

Kim

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[LEO]

 I started all today on going through the whole court system again,my thought is that is the shortest route between point a to point B,the dysfunctional Dance i no longer wish to participate,and it is best for My son to receive some stability as soon as possible.It entails giving up the only thing of real financial Value i have.so be it

[ruralstressed]

I know the stress you are going under.  Herc has yet another court date set for custody.  She will totally freak out and no telling what the kids will have to endure, but they know he loves them.  He tells them how much he misses them and loves then over and over.  He has stated that he will do whatever it takes to not lose them.  There is a second mortgage already, second on the truck as well.  We are slowly exhausting our possiblities.  If we have to sell everything and start over, so be it.  In 1988, my daughter was only three, I ran with her from a bad situation.  Stupid me married a man, I don't talk about it, and found out he was really bad news.  I had to start from scratch.  I stayed with relatives until I found a place.  I didn't have a refrigerator, but I had her and we were safe.  Slowly I built up credit, got better jobs, etc.  What I am trying to say is, you can always start again. 

I am pushing 50 now and Herc is half way past it, but when it comes to his babies, he is willing to sell or do whatever it takes.  Focus on the prize.

I have this saying on the front of my college bible, (Liberal Arts College): 
"Fear not tomorrow, God is already there."

You will be in my prayers.

[LEO]

 I have sought ought those who have lived with a bipolar as conversation with them has been very helpful.X was seen leaving my house again on friday by a neighbor.I am holding off on having my lawyer pursue the contempt of court as it now looks like the assistant prosecutor may be doing it.her threats to sue his counselor and the school and contempt of court issues his hiding out at her house for two weeks and not going to school once  are catching up with her.The Im above the law is wearing there patience thin.a meeting is set at the school on4 04 07 the school is to clarify who his counselor is.his attorney and two judges have already ruled on that issue but shes chose to ignore it.the meeting will Be attended by those representing the school? school principal and psychologist for the city schools as well as who knows.i went and talked to the principal she was disgusted by his being told he would be going to jail.between that and another juvenile court date 4 12 07 I have both hope and fear.she seems to be getting worse on the 6th her email to all implying litigation on the next after noon she was seen going back and forth almost running past the house I was home rained out of work again, then the next days calls tell me some one yanked her chain.I worry about his safety as he will be with her the week of the fourth.the house of cards may be tumbling.I told her when she called the 8th she is forgiven for all past present and future.i never want to be married to her again im certain but I also worry she will do something to herself or my son.   she pulled the wool over alls eyes for sometime including our pastor.her phd and well dressed versus my blue collar goodwill clothes led many to judge a book by its cover.Now they call Me by my first name and we are all on the same page.at my first meeting with my lawyer i told him we cant beat her but she will do it for us has come to pass.I have a handful of foul weather friends one survived three bi polars in her family?for them and there prayers and yours I am thankful ,for this board as well. by no means do i think this will be over and the only possible winner will be my former As and bs son. those close friends  think she will be taken to a hospital soon by the powers that be as that is also how she wound up in the hospital 23 years ago it is my prayer that is so before something tragic happens or she destroys her career.sitting in that school meeting watching her go form attack to sobbing was unreal I spent over twenty five years in love with her.She is my sons mother. the mixed emotions ?my son came on Friday and it is obvious she is working on him. hes comfortable here. My one special rule is no one yells.

[ruralstressed]

Give them enough rope and they will hang themselves.

I remember an old boyfriend that I spent many years loving.  He repeatedly cheated on me, lies, too much partying, just a total free soul, enjoying his youth, looks and freedom.  I was the one he wanted to marry one day and have his kids.  Well, guess what, it took years, but finally the F.O.G. lifted.  Fear of losing him or him losing (need to rescue on my part), obligation (again need to rescue plus future plans to marry), guilt (perhaps I was not sexual enough, partying enough, too much of a good girl).  See what I am getting at? 

One day he said to me, "If we were at a party and I went to the bathroom too long, you would think I was in there doing a chick!"  And you know what - he was right!  And what was so profound was - I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like that.

You are not responsible for her happiness.  No one else is responsible for your unhappiness.  Do what you need and want to do, (no harm to others of course).  Only you can make you happy.  It is not your fault. 

Yes, she is the mother of your children.  Yes, she will be for the rest of your life.  Bipolar woman are really good at manipulating, men too.  They polish up real nice.  But inside we all know how screwed up they are.  I have the book, Co-dependent No More by Melanie Beatti.  It really hit home for me.  Especially the second time I read it. 

Herc is a big, rough, maintenance man and harley rider.  He does not drink, smoke, gamble, or cuss.  He is the sweetest, quietest, most giving man you ever meet.  My sisters had mixed opinions about me dating him.  My UBP socialite Dad was aghast that I had fallen for a "redneck".  You know what, Herc is ten times the intelligence, the respect, the honor of any person I ever met in my life.  He is mechanical minded, not social graces.  He is a God fearing christian.  He is a faithful, honest, hard working man.  He was married to his ubpx for over twenty years before she ran off with the contractor.  She is home schooling we just found out.  Those poor kids do not know other kids their own age, maybe one or two.  I don't think his daughter has ever had a best friend outside of her mother. 

What I am getting at is... just hang on, be ready for the ride.  Do not play the "keep her calm" game.  Do not give her the attention she wants.  Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason.  It is the first book I was told to read when I found this site.  I ordered it off Walmart.com.  I am ordering the next one recommended, Understanding the Borderline Mother.  The local library is small and limited in books on this subject, so I chose to buy them. 

The repeated incidents with his ubpx about the children concerning education, law enforcement and repeated legal actions are drawing attention to her as in your case.  We are just waiting for her to hang herself.  Do not rescue yours when she crashes and burns.  Bipolar ups and downs are a given.  They come in waves. 

Remember, negative attention or positive attention - it is all attention.

Blessings to you and yours,
Kim

[LEO]

 bottom line I want distance from Her,she put out a 12 page document after her infidelity was made aware to Me it was one third true,one third lies and one third omitted relevant information no dates give most of what was true was 25 years old but to the reader it sounded recent.this was given to My best customer,her mutual restraining order not to have contact with those she worked with killed the balance of my customer base it is a university town with 1,100 faculty members.by stalling handing over the cabin deed she has blocked my getting a line of credit in time. several  times she called and said the son had a drs appointment so as she dosent drive id clock out at work come home shower and go to pick him up to have her call my cell as I got there saying it was canceled,she told me in September id starve and freeze here.How do You defend you're self against a Lie?Im tired ,I wanna laugh again,doing the dysfunctional dance with a genius bi polar has aged me, no i will have to have NC to stay alive.

[ruralstressed]

first off, call yourself to verify appointments before taking off work. 
Wow, she is one extreme witch.  Smart is not knowing the answers but knowing how to find them.  She wants to dance and knows how to push your buttons after all those years. 

I moved to another town to get away from my ex and he isn't BPD.  He is definitely co-dependent though.  Let's see how to address your issues.

I think I need to sleep on this one.  Credit, reputation, kids, the whole nine yards, just like my Herc.  He was left with nothing and she was still taking when I came into his life.  Give me a chance to mull this one over.

I hope you have a support system, exercise, friends, etc.  The one thing that I cling to thru all the hell is the truth.  It always comes out.  May take years, but it always comes out.  Wow!  Take a long walk and think of all your options and potential outcomes.  You know her just as well as she knows you after all those years.  I will get back with you.

Get some rest, you are probably in desperate need of it.
nite
Kim

[spinning]

Leo,
A couple questions and thoughts:

Does your son have a counselor or someone he can talk to freely? Do you have a way to help him get one if he doesn't? He surely needs some support. Especially is she is home schooling and preventing interactions with others.

Do you have reason to think she will harm your son? If so, notify chidren services immediately, even if it is a hunch and not verifyable. I know you loved her once and she is your son's mother, but at this juncture, if she harms herself, your only concern should be for your son. You can't protect her from herself, and that's no longer yours to own. Do what you can to protect your son and give him the tools to protect himself from her.

Have you considered getting a simple surveillance system for your home? X should not be at your house for any reason. Our UBPD broke in several times early on. Can you get a restraining order to keep her away from your home?

Yes, verify appontments before you head out. Call the person the appointment is with and skip the X entirely. Try to keep all communication via email instead of calls. This is taking control of the parts that you can, even if they are small. You make the choices you can.

Do you have a counselor? It might be beneficial if you don't. You are caught in chaos, and there are myriad issues. So difficult to sort through alone. When I am overwhelmed, I list things out, it makes them seem a little more manageable when I look at just the pieces and not the whole picture. Tackle what you can, one at a time. Give the lawyer your list as well.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[LEO]

He stopped going to school late January 2006 when i was out of town building a family cabin gone fro a week home two.when i came home had stopped I took him to his pediatrician who Referred us to a counselors by the first week of February till august when he was critical of her. from then forward he went without.as she refused his services and instead of the one time in his life she was to ever take him to any doctor she called and argued with him instead of taking him.I went to court seeking three things he be returned to his doctors,joint custody and that he get a lawyer at litem to represent him.I won on all three he was returned to his doctors.she wrote a letter to his counselor saying his services werent needed and again in court for divorce when the subject of his doctors arose i agreed to let his attorney pick one he said the same as always and the divorce papers state that as well .his counselor is considered among the best in town having 20 years with children's services.She told her insurance company to not cover his expenses against two court orders . he was going to school five weeks every day pulling grades up till his sleep pattern flip flopped again see she stays up real late and he flip flops with her and couldnt go as hed been up all night then iget my week he is back on schedule mid week .the powers that be saw the pattern this has her with a he cant go threatening the school with litigation.a animated meeting then juvenile court where she argued with the judge now she found one that will say he cant go to that school,infact taking her off the hook for failing to get him there?  theres a meeting at the school on the fourth of april and back to juvinile judge the 12th.above the law?I was going but lost insurance on the divorce today a mirroring long voice mail .she gets real upset at meetings and court,she was hitting me my concern is she seems to be getting worse and look for the house of cards are about to tumble down and how she will behave with him ,/She screams at both sons saying theyre just like me. Ive been to all services ,legal ,medical ,school are all finally on the same page .finally?them assist prosecuting attorney is also involved.I dont think they want to do the dysfunctional dance anymore.I count 6 to 8 contempt of court.  serveral times i had to go get him usually sunday nights after she was screaming at him.

[LEO]

the meeting at the school is to determine who his counselor is?its gone to the legal eagles for the city also

[ruralstressed]

Children are very resilient.  I am the product of a father that was super professional, above the law type in public and screamed, beat and demeaned us in private.  With your love and guidance the kids will heal.

We are dealing with the legal process since last October again.  Did not get a court date until after the holidays in January!  It nearly killed us.  Now once again, after the judge telling her she will go to jail, we are trying to get her interference with seeing the kids back in court in April.  His son's birthday is the next month.  Patience is very very hard! 

You are in my prayers.  You are doing all you can.  If she falls apart, you will definitely get your kids.  Let her crash.  I am sure she needs it. 
Make sure to document and save anything she says or does as evidence.

Count your blessings, at least you are getting baby steps.  Keep Faith. Think of the positive things, not just the hard stuff.  Make a plan.  Journal, write it down.  I love making lists and plans in writing.  Some how it all seems possible once written. 

Today was not a good day for me, I am crashing early.  The body repairs cells while you sleep.  I need rest and repair, brain especially.  Nite all.
 

[LEO]

at 6pm yesterday i got a voice mail from x BPD telling me.it was over the truant charges dropped she had won?it struck me odd as the school communicates to me on the weeks i have him and no emails or calls from them ,i called the principal this morning she said the meeting hasnt been dropped and no decison made again i spent a night feeling no not again.just another lie ?a manipulation?a control thing? thanks for youre prayers.It is the ugliest disease i have seen bar none

[LEO]

I envy those dealing with a low functioning BPD the worst night mars is a highly functional Bpd

[LEO]

She told the son he would be going to jail if i didnt sign the papers from her 1st year not certified against court orders counselor. he called me five times crying convinced by momster he was going to jail,i went to his school his principal was appalled he would be used in such a cruel manner i came home and conveyed the good news to him I might be wrong but her behavior and the courts lead me to think things are coming to a head,today for the first time I emailed the assistant prosecuting attorney now involved,principal and school psychologist that her yelling at me turned to hitting and I am in fear for his safety.when this all started they looked at her phd and this carpenter and judged the book by its cover now time has revealed the nature of the problem they call me by my first name?only took a year? today he called for me to come get him distraught but wouldn't divulge.Sundays have always been prime rage days.i keep my cell by the bed and tell him call or if it gets to weird walk out and run its seven blocks.Im tired ,broke and look forward to the day I can get away from her, call it hope.

[ruralstressed]

I have learned to escape.  The overwhelming stress is taking a toll on my physically.  Got meds for a multiple of ailments.  Best one was the Paxil for depression.  Worry about having blood pressure now.  Ended up having chest pains one day so bad, I went to the ER.  Now I have nerve pills.  Whew. 

I have had my own crisis as of late, but still surviving.  I immediately checked on you when I got back to normal.  You remain in my prayers.

I spent the last week or more in bed.  Rest is a sign of depression, but it also is the bodies way of repairing itself.  Rest is very important.  You haven't told me what you are doing for yourself and your health? 

I am currently on a mini vacation of sorts.  All by myself, no external stressers.  Cell phone is within reach, .  I enjoy nature, solitude, music.  Do something to rejuvenate yourself to you will be ready for the upcoming big event and calmer for your son.  I also quietly read the threads here without reply, and I am still reading the book, Stop Walking On Eggshells.  The strategic plan for change in chapter 7 is very helpful.  You really need to read it if you have, then read it again. 

I am the mother of an only daughter, now 21, and a grandmother since last June.  Lots of drama.  My Herc is a mechanic, his ex is from a well known and highly thought of family in this really small town.  He is also a Harley Davidson Motorcyclist, since the 70's.  Big burley bear of a man that looks kinda redneck and tough but he isn't really.  Very quiet, giving, shy, but most of all, adores his children.  Did you know that if we begin talking on yahoo or hotmail, we are not suppose to keep conversation here as well?  Read the guidelines.  I have had to several times.  Plus some.

Blessings to you and yours.

[lennic]

Did you know that if we begin talking on yahoo or hotmail, we are not suppose to keep conversation here as well?  Read the guidelines.  I have had to several times.  Plus some.

Some lovely advice here Ruralstressed...

I am curious rural...which guideline are you referring too which states or even implies that you should not have other ongoing discussions on the web or anywhere for that matter?

Lenny

[aames]

Actually the guideline governing confidentiality says:

Members having off-board information about another member shall not to disclose it. This extends the contents of e-mails and PM's. If such information is posted, the offending posts will be removed without warning.

It doesn't say you can't continue conversing on the boards at all - only that you're not to share or disclose information from PM's or off board contact on the public boards...

I hope this clarifies...

[ruralstressed]

Thank you for clarifying my misread of the guideline. 

The "noise" interfering with my process of communication has become a problem for me.  I will go back and remind myself by reading pertinent sections of my Management college books.  I have an extensive library which began before college.  I use to pride myself in Group Dynamics and Comminication Skills.  The "noise" I refer to is the difference between the intended output by one to the input of the other. 

Leo has not been back to this thread and I am the only one maintaining interaction.  I am apparently allowed to contact him off board? 

Thank you