His ex is black balling me

[Think About It...]

He and I have been together for almost two years.  I moved in over a year ago.  We married last summer.  Once I moved in, his ex began the legal allegations. 

First she said we threatened her life and to kidnap the kids, order of protection.  Her word against ours, no witness.  We stupidly hired a local lawyer that tried to roll over on us.  If I had not been there, his lawyer advised him to accept the order since "he didn't care to see her anyway."  I actually broke down in tears, crying in the middle of the court house.  It ended with agreement for restraining orders against each of them unless about the children. 

Once we married, he wanted to have the children overnights again.  He had joint custody.  Note that I said "had".  She filed for full custody immediately.  Finally a court date in January.  Missed the entire holiday season, plus his daughter's birthday.  That nearly broke us.  I am on antidepressants; he is in counseling.  He now has two weekends a month and two weeks a year, support paid through the state and she gets primary custody.  Guess that still means joint, just the kids legally live with her full time now.  Sht.  Five years of him letting them live primarily with her went against him.  It had only been a year or less since they had not been spending overnights.

Well, we had them twice.  The last time we tried to pick them up on his visitation day, her husband, the man she ran off with five years ago, pulled a gun, in front of the kids.  Of course we went to the sheriff!  He was arrested for aggrevated assault, not cuffed, and she was blowing kisses at him from the back door as he was put into the officer's car.  WE DID NOT GET THE KIDS, seems that is a civil matter to be taken up in court again. That was last month, just before Valentines, and his birthday.  Now we are approaching his son's birthday. 

We have hired the best lawyer in the area.  Unfortunately, he is a popular lawyer.  We are waiting for the next court date.  We are running out of money.  Our marriage is suffering.

[ruralstressed]

He and I have been together for almost two years.  I moved in over a year ago.  We married last summer.  Once I moved in, his ex began the legal allegations. 

First she said we threatened her life and to kidnap the kids, order of protection.  Her word against ours, no witness.  We stupidly hired a local lawyer that tried to roll over on us.  If I had not been there, his lawyer advised him to accept the order since "he didn't care to see her anyway."  I actually broke down in tears, crying in the middle of the court house.  It ended with agreement for restraining orders against each of them unless about the children. 

Once we married, he wanted to have the children overnights again.  He had joint custody.  Note that I said "had".  She filed for full custody immediately.  Finally a court date in January.  Missed the entire holiday season, plus his daughter's birthday.  That nearly broke us.  I am on antidepressants; he is in counseling.  He now has two weekends a month and two weeks a year, support paid through the state and she gets primary custody.  Guess that still means joint, just the kids legally live with her full time now.  Sht.  Five years of him letting them live primarily with her went against him.  It had only been a year or less since they had not been spending overnights.

Well, we had them twice.  The last time we tried to pick them up on his visitation day, her husband, the man she ran off with five years ago, pulled a gun, in front of the kids.  Of course we went to the sheriff!  He was arrested for aggrevated assault, not cuffed, and she was blowing kisses at him from the back door as he was put into the officer's car.  WE DID NOT GET THE KIDS, seems that is a civil matter to be taken up in court again. That was last month, just before Valentines, and his birthday.  Now we are approaching his son's birthday. 

We have hired the best lawyer in the area.  Unfortunately, he is a popular lawyer.  We are waiting for the next court date.  We are running out of money.  Our marriage is suffering.

[ForeverDad]

Law enforcement officials are limited in their involvement in domestic relation issues.  You need to have the right papers in your hands.  Arrgh!

Fathers have a hard time getting custody and parenting time.  For some reason the courts believe mothers make the very best chocolate.  Oh, sorry, that's Ovaltine.  Back to mothers, they always make the very best parents.  Unfortunately you, I and everyone but the officials know otherwise.  There is a lot of pressure for the courts to follow precedence, though they should really be looking out for the children's interests first.  And it isn't always with mom.  But is is such an uphill struggle.

You need good representation, an assertive lawyer.  Not necessarily aggressive, but standing up for your rights.  They are often inclined to wheel and deal away the main issues, or so it feels to the injured party (us and the kids).  You know, the lawyer says this time we let them get what they want to so we can cooperate.  Next time it's, We are building a history of noncompliance.  Next time, next time, by then you wonder what you're doing in court except to pay fees!  Have you read High Conflict People in legal disputes?  It says many frustrated parneets try over and over to make the HCP comply with the terms of agreements, but all too often all the court wants is to set the process one standard way, to file a motion for Contempt of Court.  Well, of ten the consequence of a finding would be jail time, and what judge would want to put a loving caring wonderful mother in jail?  So his recommendation in the book is to seek clear enforceable monetary sanctions.  That means if either of you don't comply, then it goes to court and the judge makes the non-compliant party pay the legal fees.  (Means you and your husband must be squeaky clean and compliant with orders.)

Birthdays are many parents' hot buttons.  Do the guidelines state clearly who has what when?  You can start enforcing your boundaries and rules (limiting her misbehaviors and demands to have everything her way) with parenting time, monetary issues, contact, etc.

My big issue is some lawyers don't want to file motions since they're so non-productive except they churn a lot of money for them.  Then it takes a few weeks or een months to get a date set, then somehow your complain gets pooh-poohed in court as why did you make such an issue over it anyway.  Or you have 10 points to cover with the judge and onely one or two get addressed and after you walk out just about nothing even on those gets done.

Hint I learned in my case:  It is okay to change lawyers as needed, but don't do it too much.  If a client changes lawyers a lot, judges get the impression that the real problem is with the client rather than the lawyer.

From comments on your other posts indicates you and your husband are true "Nons".  Non-BPD.  He did everything for his wife and got taken without anything in return.  He and you need to (1) focus on your own recoveries as well as (2) establishing regular contact with the children.  Simple and basic, but that's what it boils down to.  Sadly, things may look dismal for quite some time before things smooth out a bit.  Just ever give up.  Take it one step at a time.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[ruralstressed]

Finally, some one with comments and suggestions that actually seem to fit.  You definitely know where we are.  So many comments are extreme and heart wrenching.  Thanks.

We are sqeaky clean, kinda.  As far as legally anyway.  We plan to keep this lawyer and he plans to file contempt with her paying costs each and every time needed.  Getting it into the court, date set, is the main issue.  We continue to attempt visitation, took a deputy last weekend, and she still refused.  Claimed she didn't know it was his weekend.  My husband made sure to bring up the fact that he had been trying to call for three days.  She is so burned.

The "good ole boy club" that lawyers get into is our fear.  Our lawyer is not from this county.  Her local lawyer is super super respected.  She is leading her family to believe that I am threatening and that my husband is now since I have entered his life.  LOL, yeah, guess I am kinda.  I have upset her nice fantasy world of being blemish free and holier than thou.  My public job is resulting in others finding out my husbands side of things.  Now everyone is finding out when she doesn't let him have his kids.  She hates me.  The truth shall set you free.  I think our lawyer has shown respect and intelligence when in front of the judge already.  We have the proof about her contempt charges, so hopefully the truth will win. 

All we worry about is the kids.  What is going on in that house?  We are more knowledgable now about why they are backing her up.  More understanding of the emmeshment and their age levels really helps. 

Don't get me wrong, we worry about eachother so much too.  We look for stress reducers:  physical indulging, play time, quality time, over indulging via food, sex, comfort, etc.  We see a chiropractor, counselor and our family doctor regularly.  We do not have much of a support network though.  He goes to work and tells his buddy.  I have a new second job, taken more for a social outlet than income: Retail Cashier locally.  We need more friends, yes, but the time consuming stress of this high conflict divorce is not something we want to put on others. 

Prayer is the main thing here.  We pray alot.  We ride motorcycles.  We are working on home improvements.  We have pets, cats are wonderful to relax, dogs are so much fun for play.  We sleep alot.  We are landscaping the yard.  We are making dreams and goals as we wait for each heart lifting time we get to see the kids.  She wants a horse, he wants more power on his little motorcycle, my husband wants a shop, I want a horse. 

We shall not hang around persons that send negative energy to us.  Facts, experience, reality, resources are good, but we do not want others to tell us to accept the worst.  We are prepared for the worst, but we are working for the best possible outcome for the kids no matter what.  We know that if we get full custody, the ex will freak out.  We are prepared.  Just wish us luck and hope for the best possible.

Thanks

[ForeverDad]

I've told others that they can't let the BP know what they will settle for.  For example, one person said he was going to offer 50/50, thinking that was fair.  He put his final position out first, so you can be certain his BP will try to chip away at it.  I reminded him that his spouse would unfairly demand the moon and expect to get it too.  I suggested he start high and that would give him room to maneuver and show his willingness to negotiate.  How can you negotiate or haggle in good faith with someone who won't listen?

So it's good you're going for full custody.  The kids need it so much.  Some of parental alienation is not that they hate you but that they must be "yes" children in their efforts to appease the BP.  It may not help them any, but still they'll try to avoid the confrontation that the BP makes sure they always lose.

It may be a long battle, but know this.  It is worst in the early parts of the case, as many Nons here can attest.  It only gets better when the court and other agencies begin to see the BP ex-spouse for who she is, messed up, unreasonable and a royal pain.  That is what will trip her up eventually, as otherwise the court would likely let her stay in control since, as everyone these days knows, mothers always know best.  (The days of Father Knows Best are back in the dreamland years of the 1950s TV.)  So as much as it hurts to say this, every time she misbehaves, that's a point for you.  Though it may likely be a long time, maybe months or even a year or two, before things get better.  Stay the course.

Sure, lawyers know each other.  But they also are to provide their clients their best legal advice and care.  Even the best lawyer can get a lousy client.  Her lawyer will have to earn every penny he's paid, what with her antics so far and whatever she is certain to do in the future.

[ruralstressed]

YES, YES, YES, YES!

YOU ARE SO VERY VERY RIGHT.

THANK YOU