BP's constant accusations of cheating - how to counteract this?

[tender_heart]

The whole jealousy thing/cheating accusations.  Whoa.  I get accused of cheating/lying almost every day.  I cant help but roll my eyes when he brings it up now. When the hell would I get time to cheat!  He drops me off at work in the morning, picks me up after, and for the rest of the night I am with him!  Yeah - Im screwing someone at work, ookkkkaaaaaay.  I work with an office full of ladies.

A REALLY sore point with us is the fact that he is ALWAYS accusing me of looking at other men.  The grocery shop is the worst. But im not even looking at them - I try to explain I am watching what is going on around me, if I happen to glance at a guy it would be the same as if that person was an old lady or a kid!  Its just the person in my eyeshot!   But nope, this is bullsht to him.  I was apparently 'drooling' over that guy.  FFS.

Apparently his mother and sister are the same with jealousy, his mother used to make his father walk down the street looking at the ground, which sadly I have to admit to doing just to avoid accusations now and then   :-\

I do admit I have a bit of a history when it comes to my relationships and past.  I am 23years old.  I have had two long term relationships before my current UBP relationship now. When I was quite young, I engaged in quite a bit of sexual activity. Always protected, but yes it was quite a bit, with quite a few different partners. I stupidly told him about this (he kinda knew anyway as he knew my previous boyfriend and also has heard a bit from others).  I have always told him I regret my past, which I do.  But he constantly has me up about it - saying im such a slut and why would I do that etc etc.   Funny thing is, he was EXACTLY the same. He ALSO had alot of sexual partners, and even admitted to not knowing a number!  Of course when I try to counteract his rage at me due to my past with these facts, he accuses me of trying to put it all back on him and refuses to talk about himself.  Just keeps raging at me about my own past.  This happens, maybe once a week.  Ive tried to tell him it is THE PAST, im not like that anymore, he says how can someone change.  I need some advice on how to deal with this.

I have tried saying 'if Im such a slut/not trustworthy/a liar etc then you shouldnt be with me.  You should really leave if you are not happy'.  He then says 'oh, so you dont really want to be with ME then?' and that makes him even angrier!  I say 'no, obviously you are not happy so you should just leave'.  I think this gets him so angry because I have caught him out. He doesnt want to leave - but it makes him look stupid and he doesnt really have an answer because he has just finished telling me how shtty the relationship is (my fault) and how bad I am, but he still wont leave when told the rational thing would be to leave me!

Oh yeah - the other night we had a huge argument. He goes to this cooking course right, and he had mentioned a girl there had asked him for a ride home and he had said no.   I had noticed an address and ph number written in the back cover of his cookbook a few days later, I didnt say anything because I didnt want to cause an argument. I knew it was that girl's, and quite frankly, it didnt really bother me much. The thing that did bother me, is that IF I EVER had someones number or address written down, oh boy would I cop it!  I would NEVER hear the end of it.  He would not beleive that I wasnt cheating.  Anyway, one night a few days later he started on at me about my past and how I was probably lying to him, cheating on him, the usual BS - for no reason whatsoever.  So I let him have it.  I said 'who's number is written in your book'?  He tried to deny there was one for a while (even though he knew darn well).   This went on and on and on.  I told him about how if I had something like that how angry he would be.  I knew he would never intend on doing anything with her - it was just the fact that I am never allowed to even talk to another guy and here he had another girls phone number in his book!  In the end, he started crying and saying how sorry he was (a small victory for me - its not a game but it did feel good).


Every morning he wakes up in a shtty mood and I bear the brunt of it. Nearly every morning he wakes up and tells me he had a bad dream about me cheating on him. And that he is pissed off, and Im sure he expects me to be okay with him yelling and treating me like sht because, somehow, I was the one in the wrong in the dream!  I tell him its because he is paranoid he has these dreams.  He sees it as some 'sign' that I am definitely cheating on him, which, as you can imagine, produces more rages.

Oh - heres a good one.  He always takes off his clothes and chucks them on the bed or the floor.  So I go along later and pick them up and put them away in his drawer (yes I know, he should do it himself but who wants an argument?).  This morning he said 'you put dirty clothes back in my drawer, don't do that'.  I said 'well how about you put any dirty clothes in the washing basket!'. He went on about how Im always trying to make things difficult, I always have an answer for everything, always trying to fix the problem (shock, horror!). He basically said after that I should just do what he just told me to do, no arguments.  I just nodded and said yes.  Not sure how to tackle this one yet, should I just put all his clothes in the basket?  No, then theres more washing to do!  I dont really want to leave clothes lying around.  The obvious solution would be for him to put his own darn clothes in the bin. 


By the way.  Please dont tell me to walk away when he rages, that is impossible. He will follow me or block my path.  It just makes him 100x angrier.  I also can't not repsond as this makes him angrier too.  BTW, he is not violent towards me, just with his mouth.

Some constructive advice would really be appreciated from those going through the same things   

P.S Sorry this is so long, havent really posted before so have let it all out   :

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[turtle]

Hi tender heart --- love your name

Well... .I could've sworn you just wrote a report on my xbf's and my relationship.  I too, was constantly accused of cheating on a daily, hourly basis -- bank tellers, grocery store clerks, waiters, men at the gym, my accountant, my business clients (who are all gay,) my minister, you get the idea. Like you, who in the hell would have time to cheat -- my every move was monitored. I was called a slut, a butt, a whore, a c**t (I really hate THAT word) and a myriad of other despicable things on a DAILY basis.  I was told to fuc* off constantly and he told me many times that he hoped I rot in hell.

It's all very exhausting -- and I used to say exactly the same things you say. "If I'm so horrible, then leave" -- same response as your crazy one -- "oh, so you don't want to be with ME, huh."  Then the name calling would start. 

And you're right about not walking away when they're raging.  Whenever I tried that, things escalated REALLY fast. I have been chased down and pinned down many, many times.  The last time I tried to walk away, he held me hostage in our apartment for 2 days -- wouldn't let me leave -- wouldn't let me use the phone -- threatened to kill me if I did so.  That whole thing ended violently --- it wasn't pretty, but at least it ended!

I don't know how to tell you to deal with it. It's unreasonable to expect that you should HAVE to deal with it.  I ultimately decided I COULDN'T deal with it and got out -- it ended with the 2 day hostage thingy. 

I've been out now for five years and I can tell you this.  I know now that I will NEVER be with someone ever again that would call me any of those foul names -- even once! 

I'm not sure what your story is and I will read your other posts, but I can tell you this.  Living under a blanket of paranoia, suspicion and abuse 24/7 is no way to live. It's toxic and soul destroying.

Turtle

[PDQuick]

It is toxic and soul destroying. i stated my dysfunctionship at 23, and before I knew it, I was 36. I am now out, and I feel so much better. Having a difficult time understanding that I CAN do what I want... .but I am getting there. I felt like a hostage, an unworthy person, and sub-par. I now know that it was the dysfunctionship that caused me those feelings. If you want to stay in it, bless your heart, and learn how to set boundaries. I wish you luck, as it will always be hard.

[TonyC]

hi tender , the cheating and fear of abandonment issue is difficult to work with... .but it is allways there

one time it was a saturday i left the house at 12:00 went and got a haircut, alsopicked up flowers , it was a nice day , just i love you flowers to brighten up mares day , i returned home at 2:00 or before

i walked in... .

i handed her the flowers she starts saying "what are these for ?""

and whos that haircut for its not for me its too short, i like it longer does the girl that did that like it shorter, anyway it was a guy who cut it , and i walked out of the house... .

also god forbid i washed my car without a shirt on a 90 degree day she came stomping out of the house with a shirt , and asked me to stop putting on a show for the neighbors... .

the cheating thing is always there, you could be gone for 10 minutes to the neighbors house and guess what you had an 8 min affair...


tonyc.

[PDQuick]

You can actually have an 8 minute affair? With the way sex went, or should I say, without, I think I would only last a couple of minutes with a new partner!

[TonyC]

ar e you kidding if we were on line at the grocery store i would have to keep my eyes on mary, cause if i smiled at the check out girl i was doin her... .,

tonyc

[PDQuick]

That was one thing I was really not accused of, guess her mind was on her partners too much to think about my potential.

[gettinthere]

Tony

   I'm surprised I haven't met you in person, We were obviously married to the same person

[TonyC]

oh there were weekends my ex wife would call to see if i could tke my nine y/o to little league , i would say sure... .before i could get out

hey mare you wanna go to my sons game i would hear... .

why dont you just move back in with her?as the bathroom door slams

tonyc

[TonyC]

sorry i actually do have a remedy for being accused of cheating

1. quit your job

2. remove the phone from the house

3. cancel your cell phone service

4. absolutely no friends

5. never again have any communications with the opposite sex...

   this will include phrase like excuse me, or holding open a door     these acts could be considered as having the makings of an affair

6.always walk with your eyes on you s/o , never glance away

7. never answer questions like "do you think(blank) is pretty

this is a set up

8. never leave the house,

9. if you are at a store , restaurant any public place always try to us the same gender representative. so there can be no allegations

10. use of the phrases hon, babe , sweetheart and such will be considered an act of war , these are soley for use to the s/o

11. when another female even thinks of kissing , you on the lips as a friendly gesture (peck) dive to the ground , always keep your turned s when saying hello or goodbye to a member of the opposite sex.

dont get mad guys i just came up with these from my experiences

had to have some fun today

tonyc

[turtle]

dont get mad guys i just came up with these from my experiences

Hey tony --- What's to get mad at --- you're absolutely right -- except you forgot one.

Constantly tell your SO what you're thinking about so you won't be accused of THINKING about cheating.

Lol

Turtle

[TonyC]

i think i have another one... .

no un supervised haircuts... .

this is true, i swear

refer to the above hair cut story above

im making fun of allot of things here , but deep down it really hurts that i actally did alot of these things , and changed myself to suit her... .

pretty pathetic... .if i told or we told these stories and analogys to family and friends... .well , when ever i did... .i would here whats wrong with you?

i work in a club on a weekend, mare could come and go when she wanted told her dont even call just show up... .keep in mind i am 47

so a 28 y/o girl would walk by me , undr my breath i would be repeating please don smile at me , please dont smile at me... and she would... ., mare of course , would say something snyde carry on and leave

tonyc

[turtle]

pretty pathetic... .if i told or we told these stories and analogys to family and friends... .well , when ever i did... .i would here whats wrong with you?

Well Tony --- I know we're joking a bit, but this is a fair question and an important one in our own individual healing.  What IS wrong with us that we would put up with someone treating us this way -- even one time?

Answering that question, IMHO, is the key to finding lasting change in ourselves.

Turtle

[TonyC]

well i am not going to focus on whats wrong with me,, i did it , and i am sure being here for years... .and reading it would take a team of shrinks to figure it out... .but i choose to not let it happen again... .

tonyc

[spamlady]

What IS wrong with us that we would put up with someone treating us this way -- even one time?

Answering that question, IMHO, is the key to finding lasting change in ourselves.

Agreed, turt.

Another one for the list. Disable all automotive horns. I can't tell you how many times we've been out in the car and someone nearby will blow their horn--not at me, mind you--just blow their horn, and BPDh will ask "Who's that? Where do you know them from?" And when I tell him they weren't honking at me, he says, "Well it sure sounded to me like they were... ."

Don't color your hair. Don't get a new hairstyle. Don't ever get a new outfit. And for God's sake, NEVER wear perfume. Every one of these actions is a sure clue that you're messing around and trying to please whoever it is you're having that affair with.

If you do any gardening, be SURE to squat down as you're weeding. My BPDh accused me of trying to lure our neighbor because I was bent over at the waist pulling weeds and had my rear turned toward the neighbor's yard.

And, finally, ta-da! Never ever ever come up with a new idea in the bedroom. No new position, no new words, nothing. Ever. Unless you want to hear, "Where'd you learn that? You've never done that before. I've been with you XX years, so you had to learn that from someone else."

Sorry, tender, there is no limit to the ways a BPDh can find to "prove" that you're unfaithful. I have been faithful from the moment we met. I have done everything within my power to reassure him. Jealousy and fear are simply a part of how their minds work. I realize that you probably haven't gotten the constructive comments you were hoping for, and for that I apologize. There is just no way to "prove" you're NOT doing something you're NOT doing.

Best wishes,

spam

[TonyC]

crap youre right on the cologne

if i dared and went for spray #3 , 2 was okay 3 meant oh yea another wild day at work... .

well keep this goin... .im likin it!


ok its 97 degrees and humid , i went to mow the lawn and wash both cars ... .

i had my shirt off... .the screen door would come flying open... .out would come mare with a shirt in hand... .  hand on her hips holding the shirt out ummm excuse me , i dont need the neighbors hanging over the fence okay... .as the female mail person comes walking up the driveway,   please dont say hello , please dont say hello oh god she said hello ... .i have reched the crosseroads of self preservation


#14 keep all clothes on at all times... .only she can wear a boustier for drinks with the girls... .?

[JoannaK]

If you do any gardening, be SURE to squat down as you're weeding. My BPDh accused me of trying to lure our neighbor because I was bent over at the waist pulling weeds and had my rear turned toward the neighbor's yard.

Laughing my rear off, spammy, yep, the one that I aim at that 80 neighbor man!  (My exh wasn't jealous, thank heavens.)

((sigh))

What to say, tender heart.  Please understand one thing:  If he is indeed BPD (or something like it), he is mentally ill.  He doesn't think or act logically when it comes to relationships.  There is nothing you can do... . nothing... .to make him think you are not cheating.  Nothing.  Hard to grasp that one, right?

At his core, he is empty and miserable... .Not your fault.  No matter what you do or don't do, he will continue to be empty and miserable... . unless he admits that he has serious problems and gets some help.  That's really too bad.

So... . what can you do?  You can sit him down when he is relatively calm and you can make it clear that his behaviors towards you are "difficult".  You can point to a few examples of how things he has said simply don't add up.  Now, if you fear that he will be violent, you'd need to have this kind of conversation with a third party present.  If you fear that he will verbally attack you, you will need to have this kind of conversation with a third party present.

Read all you can about boundaries... .both Stop Walking on Eggshells and the Boundaries book(s) by Cloud/Townsend are good for this.  "Boundaries" basically means that you decide how you are to be treated, and you figure what to do when someone isn't treating you this way.  You may need a therapist to help you with this.  

Please remember... .  If he refuses to get help; if he can't be convinced (by you or a third party) that he has serious issues and need appropriate effective long-term help, this will continue.  Your only option would be to leave him, with planning for your safety if necessary.

Look, the late teens/early 20's is a time of exploration.  Many, many people screw around a lot at that time.  You aren't now, but you have nothing to apologize for.  Your past is your past.  This man has serious issues, tender-heart.  I'm 55, so please put the things I'm saying in perspective.  You are young and your life is yours.  Please don't let anybody, no matter how much you "love" them, steal your life from you.  You deserve better!  

[tender_heart]

Thankyou so much everyone, your posts have definitely made me think and its SO good to know others live/have lived this craziness as well.     

I have one more:

Don't have a shower at an unusal time of the day *just because you feel like it*.  This means you have been unfaithful and are washing the 'evidence' off.

Anything and everything slightly out of the ordinary can and may be used against you as cheating! Yesterday after I had finished work and uBP boyfriend was driving me home.  I had been sorting the mail, and had left two rubber bands on my wrist.  When I noticed them, I immediately panicked because this was something 'unusual'... .I dont know WHAT he could have used them for accusing me of, but never the less,  made me think just how much of a grip on my emotions he has with me.  He didnt end up saying anything anyway, I think Ive just learned to be paranoid.

[TonyC]

all kidding aside , yes you can remedy this by think like the borderline,

dont think thats what you want to do, you need to be you , free to drink tea instead of coffee, etc

my clothes used to be picked out for me , i was only allowed to wear certain shirts when i was out with her , if i wore a v neck sweater... .

hell to pay... .

i am 46  she was 45

i was with her for 4 years of this ... .everyday and night

its no way to live

tontc

[kaarekrok]

All,

I am so recongnizing my UBPDW in almost all these decriptions, it is almost scary. Several times every day I will be accused of cheating. Even when I go to the bathroom (one of the few places I can almost have some privacy) she is wondering who I am signalling to through the frosted glass (yes, the window is normally opened a bit, but I cannot see through it). The neighbours are 100m away and I know none of them. And as for several of the rest of you, I have NO time to cheat even if I wanted. I am never left alone ever. If the curtain in the bedroom is having a small glip she will wondering who I am looking at (I haven't even touched the curtain). She will look through my cell phone to see who I have called or received calls or SMS from. If there are some I don't remember... .There are so many more crazy examples I can not share with anyone except you who are reading this and understand. It is total madness. I have raged, I have reasoned, I have explained (the non-logic in her arguments), I have laughed it off. Nothing works! And to be honest (this is no comfort, I guess), the whole thing has gotten worse and worse (we have been married for 13 years).

What I do is totally ignor her. I pretend that she said nothing, I heared nothing and I reply nothing. This doesn't solve any problems, but it is for me the best way to deal with it. FYI, we have two young daugthers I try to shield from all this crazyness also.

Kaare.

[Mousse]

By the way.  Please dont tell me to walk away when he rages, that is impossible. He will follow me or block my path.  It just makes him 100x angrier.  I also can't not repsond as this makes him angrier too.  BTW, he is not violent towards me, just with his mouth.



Tender Heart, PLEASE, PLEASE consider "following or blocking" your path and getting 100X angrier to be at the very least, precursors to physical violence.  He's violating your physical boundaries, restricting your bodily movements NOW.  It wouldn't take much for him to go further in his violations.  It started "little" for me too - "just" name calling, some rude and intrusive, painless, physical aggression.  It gets worse, over a relatively short span of time.  You are young, you have no kids with him (right?)  Just leave as soon as possible.  Get a restraining order if you need it.  Life is too darn short.  I know- I've set the date for my departure.  I wish you luck.  Please be safe, and take Turtle's experience to heart.  And Turtle - God bless you.  What a horrible ordeal. Hugs.

[washto]

Here's a new one- I swear it's true

My daughter dropped a reddish crayon (ok I don't know colors) into the laundry pile.  As my BP wife was putting away the laundry, she noticed red stains on my underwear, which, it turns out, were the remains of the crayon.

When I arrived home, she confronted me with the underwear and asked how the BJ was... .

[JoannaK]

Hi washto... .

Welcome!

Please look around, and, when you feel comfortable, please post an intro so that we can get to know you a little better.  Just the basics... .   how long you have been married, if you have kids, what you do or don't plan to do about the situation you are in. ...   and what, if anything, you've managed to do to keep your sense of self as you work through various issues.

Tender Heart, I do agree with mousse... .   You say he isn't physicyally violent...   but isn't the threat of physical violence keeping you from leaving when he rages?  Some physical abusers don't need to be physically abusive...   or not physically abusive more than once...   They are scary enough, threatening enough, that just their demeanor keeps their partners in line.  It sounds as if that is the situation that you are now in.

[At Bay]

I agree. My therapist pointed out that when a woman says to her "He only... .," that means the abuser believes that's all it takes to intimidate you. It's been proven that threats and violence usually escalate over time. Someone who cares about you doesn't engage in it at all. If you care about yourself, I think you start planning how to return to a normal life. Watching someone rage is gut-wrenching and dangerous.

Take care.

AB

[TonyC]

just go allong with it , you cant fight... .

"your 20 minutes late ... .towards the end i would answer like , sht you got me ... .i stoppped for flowers and condoms , rented a hotel room... .took care of buisness and i stopeed to get you cigarettes"

not a reccomended tactic for some ... .but i didnt give a crap anymore

funny , i went in the garage last night i found a box on the shelf, it was shirts... .all the shirts mare didnt like me to wear, they were a little tight... .i was only permitted to wear them with her present... .

so i think you would have to slow down some other feeling before you can stop the jelousy

tonyc

[bewildered2]

it's projection.

he is really telling you that he can't be trusted. he can't trust himself. they're sick. read the books about BPD.

b2

[tender_heart]

Hey,

Yeah I have read SWOE and have read about projection.  The thought has definitely crossed my mind - is he projecting his cheating behaviour onto me/ is HE thinking about cheating.

And I'm not being naive, but the thing is, I DO trust him and DO believe he would never cheat on me.  This is the ONE thing I do trust and am certain about.  He constantly tells me he wouldnt/couldnt.  It is one thing I do believe.

[Bdawn]

My ex used to accuse me of picking up guys at the bus stop. What made this accusation so stupid was that I didn't even take the bus! Apparently he believed that I hung out a bus stops for the sole purpose of meeting and screwing men. Ummm... .why bus stops? Wouldn't I at least have wanted to pick up a guy with a car? Bus stops? Omg... .it cracks me right up now!

[Indiegrl]

Just wanted to state a deep and heartfelt THANK YOU for this thread - I just laughed my heart out - and that was the best medicine ever. Thanx!

 

(and if anyone could be so kind to advice me to the correct section for knowledge and advice on "how to handle the growing and absurd accusations from a romantic UBPD-partner, I'll really appreciate it) :-)

[Sheed]

Hey,

Yeah I have read SWOE and have read about projection.  The thought has definitely crossed my mind - is he projecting his cheating behaviour onto me/ is HE thinking about cheating.

And I'm not being naive, but the thing is, I DO trust him and DO believe he would never cheat on me.  This is the ONE thing I do trust and am certain about.  He constantly tells me he wouldnt/couldnt.  It is one thing I do believe.

I was the same way. I was not the jealous type. I trusted her but the problem was because i didn't get jealous enough so she constantly pushed it to the limit to the point where it got a little too much for me. I never cheated on her, but like you if some chick happened to walk right in front of me and i do as much as glance, I would not hear the end of it. She always had an interest in my past sexual encounters but when i tell her about them, she seems to handle it very poorly and later on using them against me, saying "why do i live in the past?" Which led me to stop telling her stories of my shenanigans in my college days! Bottom line is, i never figured out how to make her trust me so the relationship disintegrated.