Court Yesterday We won

[Think About It...]

CoolMom,

WOOOOHOOOOOOO!

I'm thrilled for all of you.  Especially for your SS.  Not only was justice served, but he was able to tell the truth to adults who listened and confront his mother face to face.  And he did it with dignity and grace well beyond his years.  Not only a life-changing affirming moment for him, but a testament to you and his father and all the things you have done to love and support him.  Congratulations!

Fresabird

[fresabird]

CoolMom,

WOOOOHOOOOOOO!

I'm thrilled for all of you.  Especially for your SS.  Not only was justice served, but he was able to tell the truth to adults who listened and confront his mother face to face.  And he did it with dignity and grace well beyond his years.  Not only a life-changing affirming moment for him, but a testament to you and his father and all the things you have done to love and support him.  Congratulations!

Fresabird

[Love the man hate the BP]

WOW!  Coolmom, this is quite a victory for your family!  And I can only imagine the sense of relief for your H to have FINALLY been heard!  We can only hope that we all experience this at some point!

Your SS is quite a young man, and will no doubt continue to grow into an extraordinary husband and father someday himself!  KUDOS!

I am so very, very happy for you all!

Peace...LTM

[mmm]

Yay - great news!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Over The Drama]

After the thrill of reading your post, I'm starting to think about what the judge ruled.  I don't mean to scare you or bring you down, but this is what I'm wondering:

Does the sister co-depend for SS's mom?  Is he safe at this point to visit with the sister supervising?  Would the sister flake, leave them alone and let the mom rage at him?  I'm just wondering what kind of person this sister is. 

If it was my SD's auntie, we'd be sure that momster would dominate her and intimidate her into leaving them alone.  Then there could be some funny business.  I'm hoping that SS's aunt is pretty together and strong, for his sake.

At this point if SS doesn't feel safe visiting mom, after his court testimony, does he HAVE to?  If the aunt is weak and you're unsure about her ability to supervise can you insist on an independent supervisor?  Do you have sole legal and physical custody at this point?  what percentage did they give you?

 

[Coolmomof4]

Thanks all of you for your congrats.  We've been feeling pretty good this week.  We haven't heard anything from the legal front, so we don't know if BP's sister has agreed to supervise the visits.  Until we hear that she has, we are not planning on any more visits until further notice.

Smadrae - The situation with the sister is a sticky one.  She has her own family, married with two small children - the younger one is only a year old.  She is also successful.  She knows the right thing to do, but she is so afraid of her father - who defends the BP to no end, that she will most likely agree to supervise, even if she really wants to stay out of it.  Also, step-son is very close to this sister and her kids, and he wants to visit her.  However, he understands what the judge ruled, and that BP is not allowed to be alone with him - AND he is sooo thrilled!  If the sister allows the BP to take step-son anywhere alone, step-son will throw a royal fit, then probably call us right away to let us know.  He will also refuse to go.  He is 12 years old, and does not want to be alone with his mother, so it is going to be really hard to force him without the family getting into more trouble.

To answer the rest of your questions, the custody situation has not changed as of yet.  This is only until June when we have another court date.  Between now and then, the judge will receive all of BP's medical and psych records and either make a final determination based on those, or she will require her to get another psych eval done, in that case we will have a final hearing after that to determine visitation.  Right now, DH and BP share joint LEGAL custody, but DH has sole physical custody, with BP having visitation. 

[kkce967]

This is wonderful and hope for all of us.
Congratulations!

K.

[ForeverDad]

Congratulations!

She also mentioned to BP that she didn't even bother to get in touch with step-son's counselor.  If she had been concerned with his behavior and his "disrespectfulness", she would have contacted her right away.  BP so smartly yelled to the judge "I emailed her a letter last week!"  The judge laughed at her, and reemed her for that.  HE"S BEEN IN COUNSELING FOR 10 MONTHS!

My preschooler has been in therapy for some 15 months or more.  My wife took him within a couple weeks after our separation.  Not so much to get him help but more to find a way to appear the caring mother and keep me away.  (I had already taken him to see the pediatrician but he told both of us parents that we needed counseling more than the child did.)

I found out about his therapy some 3 months later, about the same time the pediatrician did.  While she told him after the fact, I found out only from insurance.

I immediately made an appointment with the agency, but was totally shut out.  They suggested I apply for his records, but when I did, it was denied.  Wow, dangerous me.  Last year his own pediatrician even tried to talk to them and he too was blocked by those privacy rules.  So I signed a release, but my signature was ignored because I'm only alternate-weekend daddy and guess who has temporary custody?  So daddy and pediatrician are still locked out.  So far I've made a total of 3 records requests to them and two magnificently-written and well-documented letters asking to share and be involved.  Sorry, still insufficient to surmount their policies.  No change in their response when I tell them our child and his real welfare has fallen between the cracks of their policies and concerns.

I was in court last year and the magistrate said no need to make special orders, I have access by statute.  When I said I was still blocked, he got my wife to agree to sign releases for me and the pediatrician.  Nothing happened.  We are scheduled for yet another court hearing soon and I hope finally something gets done for my son's sake.

Do my earnest efforts mean I pass the good parenting test?

[Coolmomof4]

Marksadad-

That is terrible.  I will never understand how some parents can lock the other parent out of basic medical/psych stuff of their children and actually get away with it.  Parents that try so hard to do the right thing and actually care about their kids and can't get anything.  I wonder if you can get a court order or something to get those records.  Why won't the courts do anything?  You're a great dad.  Hopefully the counselor has documentation of all the times you've tried to get records.  I would keep on trying.  Send a certified letter every week with a copy of your custody order, maybe.

In our situation, at Step-son's first counseling appt, the counselor asked for BP's address so she could send her a letter, explaining that she is treating her son.  We gave her the address right away, and we recieved a copy of the letter she sent BP.  BP never once tried to contact the counselor.  No phone calls, email, letters.  Nothing.  Not until the week before our court date.  That didn't fly with the judge.

[spinning]

Mark,
I am with coolmom, I just don't understand it either. We usually have a difficult time getting info and records, etc. as well, despite a court order noting access to all professionals. I suggest you send a copy of the statute, highlighted, as well as a copy of the release with any of your requests. It has worked for us. Try to get the access written into your order at your next hearing. Good luck.

[Mr. M]

Sue them.

By statute, your are legally entitled to the records and they are legally obligated to give them to you (to the best of my knowledge).  It is my opinion that they are skating on very thin ice by refusing you access.

[hestia]

Just the threat of a lawsuit might get the ball rolling here.

They are totally and utterly in the wrong here.

[ForeverDad]

There's a lot I can't or won't say here despite anonymity.  (Rest assured, it is getting court attention soon.)  I'll just say their position all boils down to recent national privacy laws.  The preprinted boilerplate "parental access rights by statute" language doesn't cover that - in their opinion.  I can only guess someone told the agency (hmm, wonder who in the world that could be?) enough stories or claims to make them draw their line in the sand... unfortunately without making the effort to determine what the facts were.

No, they never approached or contacted me even once.  Any calls to me were return calls.

It reminds me of the time a car pulled out in front of me and I had to brake hard.  Of course, I never really came that close, I didn't even have to leave skid marks, but I surely could have had an accident if I hadn't braked.  I thought afterward that I would describe it as "We almost got hit and could have been hurt!"  But I can imagine my spouse saying, "You nearly killed my child!"  Yes, it all has to do with your perspective, state of mind and the emotional slanting of your account.

[Mr. M]

There's a lot I can't or won't say here despite anonymity.  (Rest assured, it is getting court attention soon.)  I'll just say their position all boils down to recent national privacy laws.  The preprinted boilerplate "parental access rights by statute" language doesn't cover that - in their opinion. 

Just because I happen to know someone who is "more than well-versed" on the HIPPA rules, I asked and got this response with the limited knowledge I have about your situation.  The following is not legal advice in any capacity, just some information I managed to obtain as "food for thought..."

There's a lot of hooey in the rules about this stuff, but the short answer as to parents of unemancipated minors is that, under HIPAA, parents have the same access (or lack of access) to information pertaining to their kids as is provided under state law.  If the state has a law that says parents can't access psychiatric care records of their kids, then they can't access those records.  If the state doesn't have a law governing access to those records, then the provider can either provide or deny access to the information, in the judgment of the health care professional.

What a shame.

[PamelaMc]

That's WONDERFUL NEWS, CoolMom.  I'm so happy for all 3 of you.

[hestia]

Marksdad -
This is just terrible.


I want to say something, though, in defense of the doctor here. My SDs go to a therapist to deal with issues with their BPD mom. The mom frequently demands access to what they said, etc. Our therapist (this is the same one with the thick German accent I've lauded here before) won't give her access.
That really makes me happy, and I am glad that she's allowed to do that in this case.
However, my girls are older, and I believe T not talking to mom is based more on what they said, rather than what SO and I say.

Your child is in preschool - and it seems the therapist, then, must be basing his/her decision solely on what the mom said, since I would guess a preschooler is too made up about you.
In that case, I think this is wrong.

But I just wanted to bring another perspective to the shutting parents out thing.
I feel for you, dad.