SUGGESTED READING

[Think About It...]

Top Book Recommendations for Your Library -- a general list for FtF members

Books for Learning and Healing

Surviver to Thriver Manual
A manual for understanding the impact of growing up with a borderline parent and recovering from many of the effects; includes information and exercises, the review includes comments from the co-author. This book gives you the validation you probably never had, and gives solid, practical ways to overcome the effects of growing up with a BPD parent.

Surviving a Borderline Parent
A manual for understanding the impact of growing up with a borderline parent and recovering from many of the effects; includes information and exercises, the review includes comments from the co-author. This book gives you the validation you probably never had, and gives solid, practical ways to overcome the effects of growing up with a BPD parent.

Understanding the Borderline Mother
"the first book I ever read that truly described my mother.  It was a very emotionally hard read, but well worth it" -- a member
Many members describe reading this book as a powerful experience, reaching into their childhoods and bringing to the light things they thought nobody else could ever know. Profound and insightful, the book can be emotionally overwhelming for some. Take it slowly if you need to.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
An extremely helpful book for adult children of BPD parents who are going through the painful stage of revisiting their childhoods with new understanding, on the path to healing. Important note: The author recommends confronting your abusive parent(s), which is not always advisable when a parent is a BPD sufferer. Whatever choice readers make about confronting a parent, the chapters on the different kinds of abuse and other sections will provide validation, information, and comfort.

Healing the Shame That Binds You
For the adult children of BPD parents, an understanding of what the author calls "toxic shame" helps to explain the damage done by a parent whose illness caused him or her to view a child as wrong or flawed--and to find a path forward to healing.

The Gift of Fear
People raised in families with personality disordered members often never developed or lose their self-protective instincts. The Gift of Fear provides critical information and strategies for fostering in adulthood this life-saving awareness that may have been underdeveloped in childhood.

Articles for Learning and Healing

Article: Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective

Article: Children of Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder


Workshops for Learning and Healing

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Workshop - BPD: Understanding the Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

Workshop: How a dysfunctional childhood affects our development

Workshop - BPD: Problematic mothering/parenting


Books for Coping with a Personality Disordered Relative

The Essential Family Guide to BPD
Like the classic Stop Walking on Eggshells by the same author, The Essential Family Guide is a very good introduction to BPD. It also has more information about a variety of family relationships and also good coping strategies.

Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents
Realistic and practical, this book assumes that, for whatever reason, you plan to continue your relationship with a narcissistic parent. By providing insight into the your parent's motivations and behaviors, it helps to depersonalize the hurt. It also gives very specific, concrete advice for how to protect yourself from your narcissistic parent.

A Balanced Life: 9 Strategies for Coping with the Mental Health Problems of a Loved One
In readable, down-to-earth prose, A Balanced Life teaches family and friends what they can expect from those they love who have mental health problems. Tom Smith lost his own daughter, who was bipolar, to suicide, so he shares insights from personal experience that are helpful to any family member who is coping with or caring for a mentally ill relative.

Taking Care of Parents Who Didn't Take Care of You
Very helpful for adult children of personality disordered parents who choose to provide elder care.

Toxic In-laws
Useful resource for coping with a family in which personality disorders have created dysfunctional patterns. The emphasis is on understanding the type of behavior you are seeing in your partner's family and improving the situation by adjusting your expectations and behavior, over which you have control, rather than futilely trying to change your partner's family.

Articles for Coping with a Personality Disordered Relative

Article: How To Manage a BPD Relationship


Workshops for Coping with a Personality Disordered Relative

Workshop - BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Tools: US: Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head'

Tools: How to take a time out


Books for Working on Ourselves

The Ultimate Guide to Transforming Your Anger: Dynamic Tools for Healthy Relationships
People who cope with BPD family members are often left with a legacy of anger--underexpressed, overexpressed, or coming out at the wrong time. This book helps you to become more observant and intentional in your handling of anger, so it no longer controls you.

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
Not just for women, this book is a priceless source for information on triangulation, and how anger and other bad feelings are passed from person to person. Although not explicitly about BPD, adult children of BPD parents will recognize family dynamics and get clearer on how a BPD family member can create chaos in other family relationships.

The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships
The genogram concept is extremely helpful to seeing family patterns across generations--where you fit in and how you can act to stop perpetuating an unhealthy legacy of personality disordered or other unhealthy behavior.

Codependent No More
This book will help anyone who is thinking or feeling responsible for other people, feel it is your responsibility to help other people solve their problems, feel needy people are always attracted to you, and feeling unappreciated or used; or you have weak boundaries with the people in your life; you have dependency issues; poor communication; and low self-worth.

Full Catastrophe Living
Growing up in a BPD environment, we become highly reactive. Our emotions may be numbed or feel completely overwhelming--or a little of both. It is hard to solve problems and move forward with your healing and your life until you can achieve a feeling of calm and some "clean white space" to work on things. Full Catastrophe Living teaches the practice of mindfulness--taking an observer stance--in a simple and accessible way.

Articles for Working on Ourselves

Article: Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You

Article: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

Article: Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking

Article: Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking

Article: On-Line Cognitive Behavioral Treatment Therapy

[BPDFamily]

Top Book Recommendations for Your Library -- a general list for FtF members

Books for Learning and Healing

Surviver to Thriver Manual
A manual for understanding the impact of growing up with a borderline parent and recovering from many of the effects; includes information and exercises, the review includes comments from the co-author. This book gives you the validation you probably never had, and gives solid, practical ways to overcome the effects of growing up with a BPD parent.

Surviving a Borderline Parent
A manual for understanding the impact of growing up with a borderline parent and recovering from many of the effects; includes information and exercises, the review includes comments from the co-author. This book gives you the validation you probably never had, and gives solid, practical ways to overcome the effects of growing up with a BPD parent.

Understanding the Borderline Mother
"the first book I ever read that truly described my mother.  It was a very emotionally hard read, but well worth it" -- a member
Many members describe reading this book as a powerful experience, reaching into their childhoods and bringing to the light things they thought nobody else could ever know. Profound and insightful, the book can be emotionally overwhelming for some. Take it slowly if you need to.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
An extremely helpful book for adult children of BPD parents who are going through the painful stage of revisiting their childhoods with new understanding, on the path to healing. Important note: The author recommends confronting your abusive parent(s), which is not always advisable when a parent is a BPD sufferer. Whatever choice readers make about confronting a parent, the chapters on the different kinds of abuse and other sections will provide validation, information, and comfort.

Healing the Shame That Binds You
For the adult children of BPD parents, an understanding of what the author calls "toxic shame" helps to explain the damage done by a parent whose illness caused him or her to view a child as wrong or flawed--and to find a path forward to healing.

The Gift of Fear
People raised in families with personality disordered members often never developed or lose their self-protective instincts. The Gift of Fear provides critical information and strategies for fostering in adulthood this life-saving awareness that may have been underdeveloped in childhood.

Articles for Learning and Healing

Article: Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective

Article: Children of Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder


Workshops for Learning and Healing

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Workshop - BPD: Understanding the Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

Workshop: How a dysfunctional childhood affects our development

Workshop - BPD: Problematic mothering/parenting


Books for Coping with a Personality Disordered Relative

The Essential Family Guide to BPD
Like the classic Stop Walking on Eggshells by the same author, The Essential Family Guide is a very good introduction to BPD. It also has more information about a variety of family relationships and also good coping strategies.

Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents
Realistic and practical, this book assumes that, for whatever reason, you plan to continue your relationship with a narcissistic parent. By providing insight into the your parent's motivations and behaviors, it helps to depersonalize the hurt. It also gives very specific, concrete advice for how to protect yourself from your narcissistic parent.

A Balanced Life: 9 Strategies for Coping with the Mental Health Problems of a Loved One
In readable, down-to-earth prose, A Balanced Life teaches family and friends what they can expect from those they love who have mental health problems. Tom Smith lost his own daughter, who was bipolar, to suicide, so he shares insights from personal experience that are helpful to any family member who is coping with or caring for a mentally ill relative.

Taking Care of Parents Who Didn't Take Care of You
Very helpful for adult children of personality disordered parents who choose to provide elder care.

Toxic In-laws
Useful resource for coping with a family in which personality disorders have created dysfunctional patterns. The emphasis is on understanding the type of behavior you are seeing in your partner's family and improving the situation by adjusting your expectations and behavior, over which you have control, rather than futilely trying to change your partner's family.

Articles for Coping with a Personality Disordered Relative

Article: How To Manage a BPD Relationship


Workshops for Coping with a Personality Disordered Relative

Workshop - BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Tools: US: Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head'

Tools: How to take a time out


Books for Working on Ourselves

The Ultimate Guide to Transforming Your Anger: Dynamic Tools for Healthy Relationships
People who cope with BPD family members are often left with a legacy of anger--underexpressed, overexpressed, or coming out at the wrong time. This book helps you to become more observant and intentional in your handling of anger, so it no longer controls you.

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
Not just for women, this book is a priceless source for information on triangulation, and how anger and other bad feelings are passed from person to person. Although not explicitly about BPD, adult children of BPD parents will recognize family dynamics and get clearer on how a BPD family member can create chaos in other family relationships.

The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships
The genogram concept is extremely helpful to seeing family patterns across generations--where you fit in and how you can act to stop perpetuating an unhealthy legacy of personality disordered or other unhealthy behavior.

Codependent No More
This book will help anyone who is thinking or feeling responsible for other people, feel it is your responsibility to help other people solve their problems, feel needy people are always attracted to you, and feeling unappreciated or used; or you have weak boundaries with the people in your life; you have dependency issues; poor communication; and low self-worth.

Full Catastrophe Living
Growing up in a BPD environment, we become highly reactive. Our emotions may be numbed or feel completely overwhelming--or a little of both. It is hard to solve problems and move forward with your healing and your life until you can achieve a feeling of calm and some "clean white space" to work on things. Full Catastrophe Living teaches the practice of mindfulness--taking an observer stance--in a simple and accessible way.

Articles for Working on Ourselves

Article: Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You

Article: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

Article: Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking

Article: Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking

Article: On-Line Cognitive Behavioral Treatment Therapy

[chayka]

This is amazingly helpful - thank you! I've just joined and was about to post asking what books/articles I should read to help me deal better with my undiagnosed BPD mum, but you just saved me the trouble! 

I'm a bit worried about reading 'Understanding the Borderline Mother', as I'm feeling quite vulnerable at the moment.  I guess I'm a bit overwhelmed at finally acknowledging that, yes, she does have BPD and frankly that my entire life has been dominated by this toxic, bullying relationship. I'm lucky to have had some good times with my mum too, and I really appreciate that, but it doesn't alter the fact that she is very sick and in denial about it.

I wonder if 'Surviving a Borderline Parent' might be a better place for me to start? Or maybe something more general, like 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'?  I'm encouraged by the range of books available, but not sure where to begin. Any advice would be most welcome.

Thanks!

Chayka

[Maytree]

I'm a bit worried about reading 'Understanding the Borderline Mother', as I'm feeling quite vulnerable at the moment.  I guess I'm a bit overwhelmed at finally acknowledging that, yes, she does have BPD and frankly that my entire life has been dominated by this toxic, bullying relationship. I'm lucky to have had some good times with my mum too, and I really appreciate that, but it doesn't alter the fact that she is very sick and in denial about it.

I wonder if 'Surviving a Borderline Parent' might be a better place for me to start? Or maybe something more general, like 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'?  I'm encouraged by the range of books available, but not sure where to begin. Any advice would be most welcome.

All three of the books you mentioned are excellent and I would recommend reading all three when time permits. "Understanding the Borderline Mother" is more personal in approach, while "Surviving a Borderline Parent" is somewhat more clinical. I actually liked "UtBM" a little better just BECAUSE of its personal approach and case studies, but "SaBP" is still really really good.

"Eggshells" is oriented toward anyone dealing with a borderline in their lives, not just adult children. It is an excellent book but the other two you mentioned are focused specifically on YOUR situation, so while you should definitely make time for "Eggshells", I would do the other two first, in whichever order you find them most appealing.

-- Maytree

[princessbubblegum]

Hi- I am reading the one about Understand the Borderline Mother...   the only spare time I have to read it is before bed, which is probably not the right time to read that kind of book. But when I read it I actually find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this. The things I am reading are helping me make sense out of the things that have happened in my past and present. It is a great book.