J was just at my door... why?

[Think About It...]

Please excuse, [rant on]

Because he's tired of all the drinking (again?, ppssssttt... you're drunk right now butt-loaf).  He misses me and the kids (since when).  Because he wouldn't drink if I were more supportive (right, lay your crap at my feet).  It's not right he can't come home to his family every night (you weren't doing that when you did live here).  He never gets to see his kids (he can have the whole weekend, every weekend, if he is sober but he gives Saturday to my parents, so he can go out drinking with his friends, and sleeps it off all day most Sundays while the kids babysit him).  I promise this time it will be different (right, how many times have I heard that one and ppssssttt...you're drunk right now butt-loaf).  Come on baby, don't be like that (like what, sober, responsible, concerned with what the kids are exposed to, tired of your lame excuses?).  I promise things are going to be different (again?  ppssssttt...you're drunk right now butt-loaf) blah blah blah blah blah...blah

 

How long can one be in denial before liver failure?

Sorry.  [rant off]

I just needed to get that out of my system before I go to bed.  At least he left without having to call anyone.  I guess he might be getting it that there are no more do-overs.  Hope so.

[Her Mama]

Please excuse, [rant on]

Because he's tired of all the drinking (again?, ppssssttt... you're drunk right now butt-loaf).  He misses me and the kids (since when).  Because he wouldn't drink if I were more supportive (right, lay your crap at my feet).  It's not right he can't come home to his family every night (you weren't doing that when you did live here).  He never gets to see his kids (he can have the whole weekend, every weekend, if he is sober but he gives Saturday to my parents, so he can go out drinking with his friends, and sleeps it off all day most Sundays while the kids babysit him).  I promise this time it will be different (right, how many times have I heard that one and ppssssttt...you're drunk right now butt-loaf).  Come on baby, don't be like that (like what, sober, responsible, concerned with what the kids are exposed to, tired of your lame excuses?).  I promise things are going to be different (again?  ppssssttt...you're drunk right now butt-loaf) blah blah blah blah blah...blah

 

How long can one be in denial before liver failure?

Sorry.  [rant off]

I just needed to get that out of my system before I go to bed.  At least he left without having to call anyone.  I guess he might be getting it that there are no more do-overs.  Hope so.

[LAPDR]

How long can one be in denial before liver failure?

Maybe when the ME gets the Pathology report?

[csandra]

Don't you wish you could have some of those episodes on tape ?  I swear the weeks before I finally filed were full of drunken rages that he did not even remember.

 Of course my uNPDstbxh would never admit to making any wrong moves but I know that he was in a blackout when he was saying some of that stuff. He never remembered saying any of it but then again he would never spend much time denying it. 

 "I would like to have the option to date".  "The only reason I haven't filed is because I can't afford the retainer".  "The only reason you won't agree to refinance the house is because you are being vindictive"(some would call it sanity since as soon as I agreed to refinance, he refused to pay the mortgage and instead paid less than half the amount in "child support"). 

It's hard to keep in mind how sick they really are.  Thank G-d his illness is no longer my problem as it was killing me.

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[Her Mama]

He just called.  It's after 4.  He's crying.  "Tell DS and LB I love them.  Put me next to my Dad."  (his father, passed away two years ago) 

What a mind-fk.  I hate that.  So now I'm awake.  Wondering if this is the time he is going to actually do it.  I hate this.  I am so tired of this.  He has made a couple attempts in the past.  Always where I would find him.  This is the first time he's threatened it from his cell.  Of course I have no way of knowing where he is.  I just finished calling the police and gave them a description of his car.  Told them what he had threatened to do in the past and where.  Told them to take him to my ER if they find him.

I don't know what else to do.  Of course I feel like a sht now for being so cold to him earlier.  Maybe he was sincere.  All I could see was he was drunk again.

[Rose1]

What a pain.  ((KS)) I guess the appropriate answer is "OK" and then hang up, as difficult as that is to do.

rose

[Her Mama]

I am moving from the worried phase to the pissed phase.  The police have not had any luck locating him.  It's a fairly spread out city.  Most of the officers know me through work so I know they would take the call seriously.

Rose,
I know what you are saying.  He didn't give me time to respond anyway.  He just said what he said and hung up.

I am conflicted right now.  I don't know if I'm so jaded because I see it so much at work, or he has threatened it in the past, or the times I have "found" him, it wouldn't have taken much effort to stop it himself, or I'm just so sick of all of it.

It's not that I'm sick of it in a bad way.  I don't want him to succeed.  I want him to get help but I know that is out of my control.

The other thing that pisses me off is that his so called friends KNOW he has a problem with alcohol.  Why they have so little respect for what it is costing J's children, I will never understand.  They start calling him the second he gets off work to go out.  No they do not hold him down and make him drink but just a little restraint maybe...maybe talk to him...maybe act like friends who care.

sorry rambling and tired.

[Love the man hate the BP]

Oh KSM, what a night.  And the day doesn't bode well, either, since you'll be so tired.  Please take care of yourself and rest if you can. 

This is all in the hands of the Higher Power.  Don't pick up the guilt and carry it around, ok?

Why they have so little respect for what it is costing J's children, I will never understand.

That's actually an easy one to answer.  His friends are alcoholics and they all use each other to enable their own drinking.  For one of his friends to acknowledge the impact of J's drinking on his children, he might just have to look at his own behavior, and that isn't an option for the active alcoholic. 

Keep us posted, friend.  LTM

[Rose]

I am so sorry --- not a wake up call you want to get.  But I agree about leaving the guilt, as you're right -- this isn't something you can control.  Stay strong.

[lennic]

I am so very sorry KS...Illness is so very heartless...

I remember once a long time ago,,I was sitting in one of the bar stools I had paid for a thousand times..

My wife entered the darkly lit bar as I turned squinting to the obtrusive new light...

She had my daughter in her arms and my son in tow,,holding his hand tightly as she brought him into this den of sorrows...

She wasn't mad,,no anger on her face...she was a reflection of the two little souls in her care...just pleading those three sets of eyes were..

"You coming home?" she said dryly..

"Yea Daddy when you coming home?"..the little man sternly inquired...

"Soon..real soon." the addict sadly replied.

This set of moments had such little effect upon the obsessed mind of this alcoholic as I hid in that darkness.  But today I remember each crease in her face and every tear that was being squished back by the pride of determination. Those three were brave that day...and it was much later when their example pushed this coward forward.

I hope and pray that J finds that "crisp" thought...Someday he may be thankfull for your bravery..

Always,

Lenny

[Her Mama]

Thank you all.  God I hate this.  I hate feeling like what I said to him sent him over the edge.  I wasn't mean.  I just told him that I had heard it all too many times before and I just couldn't do it anymore.  I told him I don't believe in promises anymore.  I told him he needed to check into rehab and this house wasn't that.  I told him to take his drunk ... to his friends house and sleep it off.  And then I closed the door.  Didn't slam it.  Just closed it, then locked it.

Lenny, I can't tell you how many times I've done what your wife did.  Gone out to find him and beg him to come home.  I hate what this sickness does to people and everyone who has ever cared about them.  I'm not feeling all that brave right now.  I feel scared, then numb, then angry, and then back and forth among all those feelings.  I do pray he finds that "crisp thought".  His children deserve that, not this.

[PDQuick]

((KSM)) Try not to worry, it will be ok. This time tomorrow, you will know the outcome. He is probably just as you said, sleepin it off at some friends house. Dont give in to the drama, as it is what he wants, and what he thinks he needs you to do. What he really needs is to hit bottom, and realize nothing is going to change until he changes it. Be proud that you helped him on his descent last night. Dont enable him. You did the right thing for you, him, and your children. Look again at Lenny, look how wonderful he turned out to be!

[Her Mama]

Well, I just called his work.  He's there.  He cussed me out for being such a butt last night and then proceeded to blame me that he was late for work this morning so they gave him three days off without pay next week.  Wasted energy.  Him.  Me.  The whole frickin thing.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[hestia]

Oh, KSM, I am so sorry.

Repeat after me: None of this is my fault. I am not responsible for J's well-being. I am doing all I can.

When you forget that, repeat it again.

You're a good person, and this will be OK.

[sucker_no_more]

I don't know what else to do.  Of course I feel like a sht now for being so cold to him earlier.  Maybe he was sincere.  All I could see was he was drunk again.

KSM, I feel for you I really do.  The sad fact of the matter is that the following morning he'll likely not really remember what he said, and likely not really remember what he felt at the time to make him say what he said.  Even if he does, all that will evaporate the next time his drinking buddies call and invite him out for a beer.  And as much as you wish it were otherwise, it's futile to expect his drinking buddies to try or even be able to stop him.  You know as well as I do that if any one them does try, they'll be split black in an instant and replaced by a new drinking buddy.  I've seen my ex do that time and time again.

I hate feeling like what I said to him sent him over the edge.  I wasn't mean.  I just told him that I had heard it all too many times before and I just couldn't do it anymore.  I told him I don't believe in promises anymore.  I told him he needed to check into rehab and this house wasn't that.  I told him to take his drunk ... to his friends house and sleep it off.  And then I closed the door.  Didn't slam it.  Just closed it, then locked it.

Again, I know the feeling oh so very well and it is truly heart-breaking.  Even if there's no love left between you (there is none left between my ex and I), it's still tragic to see someone - anyone -  drink their life away regardless of the damage it causes.  You did the right thing.  He's blown his credibility with you because of his actions and his choices.  You told him what you think he should do - check into rehab - and that was the right advice.  You're not an alcohol addiction counsellor.  He needs proper, professional help.  Call it "tough love", call it setting boundaries, call it preventing yourself from being swept back into the dance again.  Anyway you call it, you did it right.  What he does with that is entirely up to him.  If he decides to blow off your advice and, instead, go and do something stupid... that would be his tragic, senseless and sad choice.  It would not be yours.

Take care,
  SNM

[PDQuick]

Well now it is over. Isnt it great getting back to being the proverbial btch? LOL. Im glad its over for you.

[Her Mama]

Thank you guys.  You are my source of strength and so very dear to my heart. 




PDQ , I can breathe big deep butt breaths now. Fk him.  :evil:

[csandra]

As bad as last night was, this just gives you more information to keep your distance/LC/NC.

 It was heart breaking to see friends and family turn a blind eye to the drinking.  His best friend used to buy him Odoul's when we came to visit and then thought nothing of it when he started drinking the real stuff 15 years later.  Saw no connection to the disinigration of his home and family.

 His sister wrote a letter when he was going through out patient treatment saying that she felt that the only reason he didn't drink for the first 15 years was because I wouldn't let him(hah, I had NO idea that he even wanted to drink).  His younger sister insisted that he had no problem but had no idea that he had been through treatment the prior year.

 What really galled me was that these people felt they had so much more insight into him and his behaviors and I WAS HIS WIFE.   

My mom lovingly confronted him on his drinking and it really put him over the edge.  She had/has always loved and admired him.  He painted her black, after 20 years of mutual admiration. 

Hope you have some knowledge/experience re:Alanon.  Be of good courage.

[Mr. M]

Next time he shows up at your door drunk, call the cops the moment he gets in his car to drive away.  He's a menace.

[PamelaMc]

KSM,

Please do not let this b*stard con you into believing that anything you might have said (the truth) is responsible for "sending him over the edge."  He is on the edge.  He wanted to be on the edge.  This is where he feels most comfortable.  He wants to jump off the edge and blame someone for pushing him.

Next time let his call(s) go into voice mail.  Then delete it before listening to it.

[screamingfire]

You're a better person than me, Ks. When the whole "put me next tot my father" crap started I would have told him  "Ok, just make sure you don't make a mess."
Luna's nice little phone calls where she called up sobbing and telling me she wanted to die only stopped when I called 911 and then told her what I said above "do what you want, just don't leave me a mess."
Harsh but effective. She only wanted the attention her calls got her. When I wouldn't play she didn't call anymore.  
I hope you document what happened last night and have it ready the next time he threatens to take lil Bit. What a great, stable father he is. Of course the courts would give her to him.    What an infantile jerkwad

[Peace4us]

((KSM))

What can I say dear friend. Your heart is beyond human made.  Your resolve is also extrordinary.

Please take good care of you.  Scrape the remnants of that a**hole off the bottom of your shoe, and frame it, so next time he pulls this you can remember this episode.

Love you to bits, you and all the bits 

Peace4us

[Her Mama]

I took a short nap.  I'm feeling a bit better now.  Crazy dreams though.

Mr. M,  If only I had the foresight at the time.  I should have.  I've done it in the past and I don't know why I didn't last night.  He's never been caught for DUI but I know someday he will be.  It's only a matter of time.  At least that is usually the ONE thing his friends will do, take his keys.  They stopped calling me to pick him up a couple of years ago when I ripped into him for it.

Pam,  I know logically I should feel that way.  It's just hard to remember that when it is going on, especially because of earlier in the night.  After he cussed me out this morning he said, "I just think I'm going to stay the hell away from you.  You're the last thing I need right now.  You just cost me three days pay."  I just said "Yup, you're right.  And you're the last thing I want around here.  The three days pay would have went for beer anyway."  Stupid.  Childish.  It was all I could think of at the moment. 

SF... OH how I would love to grow the steel set you have.  However, he's a "make an absurd statement" and run away kind of guy.  As soon as he said it he hung up and wouldn't answer again.  Since I called the police, they may have made a report, not sure.  If I hadn't been in bed, I would have picked up the recorded line but that was in the kitchen and I didn't think he'd pull that crap while he's out and about.  When he's tried it in the past, he's always been here in person.

Peace...I'll give them kisses from Auntie Peace when I tuck them in tonight.  You know, part of the reason I still post about my stuff is that I need (because I am too easy to forgive and forget), to look at everything he's done and remember it in the moment it is happening.  So I guess in a way, this place is my frame.  It helps a lot to have it all "written down" and I can better come back from the brink of crazy because of all of you guys here.

[JoannaK]

I hate feeling like what I said to him sent him over the edge. 

I second Pam's sentiments about this...   Nothing you could do or would do would send him over the edge.  He puts himself on that edge, and he will push himself over.  Never, ever let him guilt you into believing that you are any part of it.

This post just filled me with anger towards him, KS, and I don't know the guy.  I found myself muttering all kinds of swear words under my breath.  I hope that you can sometime legally adopt Little Bit or get a more permanent guardianship over her...  Then ignore the creep; don't let him anywhere near the kids outside of his "visitation", and don't feel that you don't have to do anything for him.  He is repulsive; he really is.

And do call the cops when he shows up drunk!  You need a paper trail in case he does try to take LB!

[Her Mama]

Yes, now that I have thought long and hard about what has happened so far today.  That is the one thing I am really kicking myself for.  Not calling as soon as I shut the door.

[Her Mama]

He just showed up a bit ago, barged in at the moment I was letting the dog out for the night.  He said he wanted to take the kids with him to his mothers tomorrow.  I told him no.  He said that I couldn't stop him.  I told him I may not be able to stop him as far as LB was concerned, but I know I don't have to let our son.  He tried to argue the point and I read straight from our divorce decree.  He sees him when I say so.  Hardball has never been my thing but he is forcing my hand. 

I told him to leave.  He wouldn't.  He said I'm done drinking and from what I could see he was sober, but that doesn't even play into it at this point.  I started to dial the police and he bolted out the door.  I'm not going to do this anymore.  I continued the call and asked that they do drive-bys through the night and I do not want him anywhere near my house.  They still had the information I gave them from this morning.  They said if he were found, they would take him to the ER for a psych eval.

I called the ER and spoke to my friend who happens to be charge nurse tonight.  I told her that if he were brought in he was at minimum a danger to self and I wanted him put on a 72 hour hold.  Thank God I work there, otherwise he could probably lie his way out of it and get released.  Lying to him is like breathing to anyone else. 

I'm better this time around.  I don't feel like there was anything else I could have done and I have you guys to thank for that.  Your help today, well, I just can't put into words how you helped me think and see clearly through the BS, and how grateful I am for that.  He is going to do what he is going to do.  No matter what I do or say, nothing is going to change that.



 

[Peace4us]

Can you order a full body cavity search?  Sorry did that slip out?

Seriously KSM. You have handled all of this with incredible strength and sensitivity, like you do most things.

You should look in the mirror tonight and be proud.

H emay be done drinking for tonight, I suspect his Saturday night will look differently.

Be well, be safe, and be happy you are you.  I am happy to know you.

Peace

[Rose1]

Someone wise on this board many years ago said "They are threatening suicide, you aren't threatening homicide".  It hit home to me because it was the guilt around maybe driving my ex over the edge that kept me in line and stopped me from setting boundaries.

Once I wouldn't play anymore, the threats diminished and in fact he started using them on my D.  Once I threatened to get the men in white coats, he stopped using that line with D.

As a recent post of mine, however, he still blames me for conspiring with my friends to get him to commit suicide - as funny as that actually is, it really shows the lack of "accountability" BPD's have.  You are not responsible and don't ever think you sent him over the edge.  It's his choice - even if you don't send him over the edge, you can still "conspire" to have him do it - you can't win. So set your boundaries and don't worry about his reaction.  It's out of your control anyway.

Rose

[Her Mama]

Quiet night.  No surprises.  Haven't heard anything.  Yea!

Full body cavity search?  Hum  eeeewwwww! 

[JoannaK]

Ks, if I recall, he can't "recant" your guardianship without a notarized letter...  Remember that if he shows up and threatens to take LB away.  Have you had any more conversations with your attorney or CPS as to what else you might do if he shows up and wants to take her somewhere?

[Her Mama]

My attorney left town for a wedding on Thursday morning and won't be back until May 7th.  When I called the caseworker (the only one left that knows our case well enough not to involve DOT) Friday, and her voicemail said she was out of the office until Tuesday for some kind of training.

Yes he needs a notarized statement to revoke the guardianship, but it's not too late for him to do that.  Notary services around here, well, you could spit and it would land on one.

I keep telling myself I can only do so much.  I can't control what he does.  I can't worry myself to pieces trying to stay one step ahead of him. 

[Her Mama]

Just sent the kids off with my Mom for a "camping" weekend.  They're not really going to go far, just an hour or so away.  I called my Dad and asked if they would watch the kids for the weekend, taking my son to school Monday morning. (I don't get home from work until time for him to be on the bus in the morning on Mondays)  He kind of questioned me about the short notice so I just told him J was drinking again. 

My Mom came to pick the kids up and I told her the other stuff.  My dad's nerves, his temper and his inventory of guns keeps me from telling him "the whole story" and Mom understands that.  She promised not to say anything unless she had to.  I reminded her that no matter what J says, he might be able to take LB but he is not to take our son.  I told J that same thing yesterday when he wanted to take them to his mother's house for the weekend.  Hopefully he won't try to do anything stupid this weekend.  I think that's why she called back shortly after they left the driveway to let me know they were going to break in the camping equipment for the summer. 

I don't care what kind of fallout happens as long as it doesn't involve my parents.  They are listed as secondary caregivers on the guardianship papers for when I need anyone to take care of the children.  I think that covers them taking the kids camping while I work. 

I haven't heard anything from / about him today other than by a third party.  Apparently he tried to contact a friend of ours that is now a minister.  This is someone that has known J his whole life since they were both little kids.  He knows all J's tricks.  For the kids sake, I hope he does find J, or J contacts him.  I don't think it will fix everything but it is at least an attempted step in the right direction.  That's more than he's done in years.  I don't hope for anything in regards to he and I.  That ship has sailed.  I just hope the kids can someday have a father they can look up to, who is active in their lives.

[Starry]

Dear Mom,

Because that's what you are. A caring and loving and maybe sometimes desperate mom.

The only thing you can do is to keep the children out of his crap as much as possible. You can't make bricks without straw.

I sincerely hope he will back off. Maybe because he's sober he finds it's worth trying to achieve something. And are these convulsive movements of an addict suffering withdrawel symptoms.

He might pull out as soon as it gets rough or when he has to sacrifice himself when looking after the kids when it doesn't suit him. I don't know your situation that well to be the judge of that, but that's what I'm guessing.

Your kids deserve better and as far as I know you're doing fine. You deserve better as well.

Starry.

[sucker_no_more]

KSM,

Your resolve to do The Right Thing by your kids just shines through in everything you write.  You did good.  As for J... what a self-obsessed, messed-up ∂ƒ∫∆˚.  But I guess you already knew that.

I can't offer any suggestions because there are none that you aren't already doing.  All I can offer is my support and encouragement, and you've got that in spades.

Look after yourself!
  SNM

[Her Mama]

Thanks guys.

I'm off to work!

[csandra]

  I don't hope for anything in regards to he and I.  That ship has sailed.  I just hope the kids can someday have a father they can look up to, who is active in their lives.

My sentiments exactly.  I am not looking for a returning spouse, but a returning father for my kids.  I have told my kids repeatedly that he is a good man, he has not always been like this and someday he may change, seek sobriety.  I expect them to love and honor him and they do, during the time they are with him.  They have thanked me for giving them the stability in their daily lives that is not an option with dad.  They never call him, though it hasn't been too long ago that I would ask them to.  He hasn't attended any of the kids school events or our son's musical performances.  They don't even tell him about them anymore.

[Her Mama]

J...in my bed when I got home from work...two of our city's finest men in blue "just happen" come over to have breakfast when they got off shift...cost of eggs, toast, juice, and bacon, maybe a couple of bucks.  Look on J's face and seeing the speed of which he made an exit...priceless.

[srndpt0507]

First off, congrats on your "board advisor" promotion!

J...in my bed when I got home from work...two of our city's finest men in blue "just happen" come over to have breakfast when they got off shift...cost of eggs, toast, juice, and bacon, maybe a couple of bucks.  Look on J's face and seeing the speed of which he made an exit...priceless.

Secondly, good for you!  This is awesome!   :evil: :Fact:

[Oy-vey!]

KSM,

I'm curious how he is able to enter your house?  Why did the officers not arrest him for breaking & entering?  I'm confused...

[Her Mama]

Well, thank you very much!

I figure the least amount of reports made from here about J, the less chance that my CS case with the first ex would turn into a custody issue.  And hey, I have two upstanding citizens willing to testify to his instability once we can get to court for LB.

I think Monday morning breakfast should become an every week thing.  I didn't even plan it.  Called a friend (officer) and put him on speakerphone.  He was on his way to breakfast with his rookie partner and they just rerouted over here.

[Her Mama]

KSM,

I'm curious how he is able to enter your house?  Why did the officers not arrest him for breaking & entering?  I'm confused...

Took the fifth key from his ring today.  I had the locks rekeyed two months ago. 

The reason I am trying to keep the police out of this as much as possible (in an official capacity) is because I am still in court over child support with my daughter's father (the one who bribes the girls and who would love to make this into a custody case.)  If I make report after report on him, as much as I would like to, I would only be giving my daughters father ammunition for custody.  The rock and the hard place and there just isn't any other way right now.  It's bad enough I reported his suicidal threat Friday morning and the "keep him away from my house" that night.  How would it have looked if I made another report today for him being here?  Even though my daughter was with my parents and was dropped off at school by my father, it was still "my time".

I would LOVE to have him arrested for this crap but if I do...I'm screwing myself. 

As it is, I have these kids scheduled three ways to Sunday just to make sure that my daughter and he were only in contact 2 nights out of the month.  Not an easy feat when she lives here 50% of the time.  I'm doing my best to protect the interests of everyone involved.  My daughter and I, and our time together.  LB and I, so he doesn't try to take her.  And my son, my daughter, and LB, and keeping them together because they ARE family now.

[Oy-vey!]

KSM,

Thanks for clearing up my confusion.  I apologize if it seemed I was prying.  I didn't think about your other on-going case.  You have certainly planned this out very well.  Good for you.

Great job, too, on handling him this morning.  Hang in there.

[Her Mama]

Oy it's okay.  I am truly sorry I got defensive.  I should have waited to post until after I slept.

This is just stressful.  I feel trapped.  I'm only going to have my older daughter three more years.  Then she graduates HS and is off to college and to start her own life.  It's very stressful when I start thinking about how her father still plays such a huge part in every decision I have to make. 

I mean, even when J was doing the DV, well before the physical part, but during the threatening behavior, I found myself second guessing the call to the police and didn't make that call because I was afraid of having a report on file.  I paid for that decision, to not call right away, dearly.  If I wasn't afraid of losing my daughter and would have just made the call when J was only yelling and flipping over the furniture.  I could have avoided being drug out of the house and choked. 

I still find myself trying / having to weigh out what is truly threatening against something that just annoys the hell out of me.

It's like, I divorced the first because of his controlling and devaluing ways, and here it is 10 years later and I still, to a certain extent, have to defer to what he would think of what was going on and how he might make me pay for it.  It stinks that when I think about my "original baby girl" starting her own life.  I'm going to miss her so much.  Then I start thinking that maybe I can have a life of my own once she does and I feel guilty for feeling that way.  I'm torn between "I wish she could be my kiddo forever" and how much I'll miss our talks and goofy diva beauty shop evenings once she is on her own -vs- "I can't wait for her to be off to college" so I can do what I have to do without thought of repercussions from her father.  I know that kids her age have some say so about where they live should a custody case happen, however, there are no guarantees.  I don't want to risk the little time I have left with her while she's still my kid.

Marrying J was the worst decision I've ever made in my life.

friends?...I hope.

KSM

[Her Mama]

You know, as I sit here and really think about my whole relationship with J, from start to finish to now, the one thing that I truly hate about the whole thing is just how much my life has changed.

I used to go to friends houses, or they would come to mine.  We would sit around and play cards, grill out, listen to music, watch the kids play, rent movies, talk about life's general things and happenings like how the kids were doing in school, which pool membership we would go with for the summer or maybe plan a vacation for all of us to go on, ...basically, I had a very simple and fulfilling life.

Now, I sit at home and try to manage chaos.  Sure the kids and I do things together but not as much as we used to.  I avoid going over my friends houses anymore because I don't want to risk telling them what's going on.  It's too embarrassing. 

Friday night my best friend suddenly dropped by with her family.  (what a day to pick huh?)  I hadn't seen her in a year and a half.  This has been my best friend for nearly 20 years.  My former "partner in crime", my sister, my world.  She has never even met Little Bit yet.  Sure we have called each other over this time, always trying to keep the conversation mostly about her and hers and only on a superficial basis about me and mine.  It's not that she hasn't asked but I change the subject.  I have declined so many invitations, and made no invitations in all this time.  It's a wonder she still considers me her best friend.  She asked me where J was (I haven't even told her about moving him out or why and that was over a year ago) and I nearly started crying.  It made me realize how much I've cut myself off of friends and family.  Like a chicken, I feigned having an eyelash in my eye and went to the bathroom to pull myself together.

I want my casual, happy, drama free life BACK.

[PDQuick]

I want my casual, happy, drama free life BACK.

Babydoll, the only thing really stopping you is you. Sure, the BS is still happening, but if you get on with your life, it will slow down and eventually stop. He knows you are there alone alot, so if friends are over, he will be less likely to start his crap, after all, he cant look like the bad guy, now can he?

[sucker_no_more]

Friday night my best friend suddenly dropped by with her family.  (what a day to pick huh?)  I hadn't seen her in a year and a half.  This has been my best friend for nearly 20 years.  My former "partner in crime", my sister, my world.  She has never even met Little Bit yet.  Sure we have called each other over this time, always trying to keep the conversation mostly about her and hers and only on a superficial basis about me and mine.  It's not that she hasn't asked but I change the subject.  I have declined so many invitations, and made no invitations in all this time.  It's a wonder she still considers me her best friend.  She asked me where J was (I haven't even told her about moving him out or why and that was over a year ago) and I nearly started crying.  It made me realize how much I've cut myself off of friends and family.  Like a chicken, I feigned having an eyelash in my eye and went to the bathroom to pull myself together.

KSM, while I know what you're feeling, I also know (as, I suspect, do you) that cutting yourself off from your best friend because you're embarrassed about what's been going on in your life is counter-productive.  What are you embarrassed about, anyway?  That the man you picked turned out to be a loser?  You do realise that here you're SURROUNDED by people who picked other people who turned out to be losers, don't you?  You made a mistake that hundreds of people here also made.  And, don't forget, the people here are the tip of a very large iceberg - there must be millions of people in the world dealing with abusive, messed-up partners or ex-partners that have never heard of BPDFamily, FTF, SWOE or anything like that.  Should they all feel so embarrassed that they cannot share their lives with their best friends?  Huge sections of literature, movies, plays and songs are all about people who ended up having the wool pulled over their eyes by charming, unreliable losers.  Sure it's embarrassing but, at the end of the day, you're not the only one who's made that self-same mistake.  What counts, what shows character and worth, is what you do once you realise this.

And just look at what you've accomplished.  You're fighting with everything you've got to do The Right Thing by the children in your life.  You've taken in Little Bit out of the pure goodness of your heart because you knew, you KNEW it was the right thing to do and you've got so much love and compassion in your heart that you were prepared to put up with all the crap and drama thrown at you to provide her with the kind of upbringing that she'd never have got with her birth parents.  You get J turning up in your house and what do you do?  Invite the local police in for breakfast!  Good god, woman, that was a stroke of genius!

Think about inviting your friend out to dinner and telling her why you've been so distant.  Please.  Sure, you may be embarrassed.  But I'll tell you this - if she's half the friend I think she is and a quarter of the friend you suggest she is, the embarrassment won't last long.  What will last and last is her pride and awe in what you are doing to put things right as best you can.  Anyone can make a mistake in choosing a partner who turns out to be, for whatever reason, bad for us.  Very few people would've done what you've done and what you are continuing to do.

Reach out to her.  That's what friends are for.  For the good times and the bad.  She won't be able to fix things, but you'd get your best friend back in your life and that's got to be good for everyone, hasn't it?  You don't have to tell her every gory detail, but do tell her enough so she knows what's happened, and she knows what you're doing to pick up the pieces.  And then ask her if you've got anything to be embarrassed about.  I doubt it, I doubt it very much.

Take care,
  SNM

[Oy-vey!]

Big hugs to you KSM.  I did not perceive anything negative in your response to me.  I was apologizing because I felt bad that I questioned you about the situation.

You are a sweetheart.  The biggest sweetheart.  HUGS.

[Mr. M]

Playing devil's advocate... and trust me, I've walked that line where I did what I thought was in my own (and the kids') best interests so as to not have any move interpreted as "false" and used against me...

But you have to be careful because if it comes out later that you didn't take swift and decisive action against a potential threat to LB... it could end up looking FAR WORSE than having taken action against a potential threat.

I'm not entirely convinced that soft-shoeing it with J at this point is in yours or LB's best long-term interests.

Be extremely careful

[criticalmass06]

Friday night my best friend suddenly dropped by with her family.  (what a day to pick huh?)  I hadn't seen her in a year and a half.  This has been my best friend for nearly 20 years.  My former "partner in crime", my sister, my world.  She has never even met Little Bit yet.  Sure we have called each other over this time, always trying to keep the conversation mostly about her and hers and only on a superficial basis about me and mine.  It's not that she hasn't asked but I change the subject.  I have declined so many invitations, and made no invitations in all this time.  It's a wonder she still considers me her best friend.  She asked me where J was (I haven't even told her about moving him out or why and that was over a year ago) and I nearly started crying.  It made me realize how much I've cut myself off of friends and family.  Like a chicken, I feigned having an eyelash in my eye and went to the bathroom to pull myself together.

I want my casual, happy, drama free life BACK.

The crap the ex BPDs do to us, splitting us from our true freinds is aweful

How are doing with your friend now, keep her in your life please.

SNM IS RIGHT, you have absolutley nothing what so ever to embarresed about, in fact YOU SHOULD BE PROUD!

[Her Mama]

Hello friends.  Happy Tuesday (meaning we all made it past the hump of Monday 8) )

He knows you are there alone alot, so if friends are over, he will be less likely to start his crap, after all, he cant look like the bad guy, now can he?

You know, through all the plotting and planning and strategy that has dominated my life in the last couple of years, that simple thing has escaped my attention.  He doesn't act up when there are witnesses.  He couldn't be the life of the party or the happy center of attention when that attention is negative.  Probably why he worked so hard during our relationship to keep me from going anywhere.  Duh. :

What are you embarrassed about, anyway?  That the man you picked turned out to be a loser?  You do realise that here you're SURROUNDED by people who picked other people who turned out to be losers, don't you? 

LOL :P  I do know this, in the logical side of my brain (the freaked out one is kind of in control a lot of the time ).  It's easier here though.  I can vent here.  I can tell you guys what's going on and you don't look at me like I have three and a half heads!  Unless you've lived with someone like this, like you guys have, you just can't have the same grasp of that reality that we are forced to live with.  I admit, before J, when I heard people say these kinds of happenings in their lives, I would be thinking to myself that either it couldn't be that bad or you probably love the drama or else you'd do something.  I think that's why I keep most of it away from friends, family, and coworkers.  Unless you've lived it, you really can't understand it.  These people are so good at keeping their actions secret from outsiders, that half the people out there wouldn't believe me if I did tell them.

You get J turning up in your house and what do you do?  Invite the local police in for breakfast! 

Well that was kind of a spur of the moment thing.  There was a pretty bad accident and the officers came in and stayed during the trauma code.  It was pretty rough (you never want to be doing a code on someone your daughter's age).  One of the officers sent me a text to see if LB and I were "up for" breakfast.  (something we do from time to time (nurses, officers, and docs) when it's been a stressful shift.  When I called him back I told him I'd pay him if he and the Rookie would come over here for breakfast.  This officer also happened to be one of the officers that arrested J for the DV, so he is aware of the "special" circumstances involving LB.  Perhaps serendipitous?

Oy, thank you babe!  ((Oy))

I'm not entirely convinced that soft-shoeing it with J at this point is in yours or LB's best long-term interests.

I didn't see a devils advocate anywhere in that.  :evil: I appreciate what you are telling me.  I do try to look at the bigger picture, and that does involve shielding the kids from things.  But when absolutely necessary, I have taken action and made effort to protect her.  The DV court was the one that rejected my RO on behalf of LB.  They wouldn't allow me to list her as a protected party because I am not biologically related to her, the adoption has not yet been approved, and he has custody (that trumps my guardianship).  At least I have that on the record showing I did make an attempt to protect her but the court wouldn't allow it.  They said they would grant one for my son, my daughter, and me, but not her.  There wasn't a point to pursue it because I have all that already in my custody order.  He is not to stalk, harass, threaten... as a result of the DV, and he sees our son when I say so per the custody order.  For now, and until they make a decision about allowing the adoption to continue and change the law about who can be a protected party in a DV RO, this is what the brass tacks are.


I called my friend from work Sunday night and we hope to be able to take the kids out this or next Friday.  I've missed her so much.  She is the holder of all my youth's secrets and I am the holder of hers.  I hope it happens.  I can't wait to see her again.