J was just at my door... why?

[Think About It....]

KSM,

Thanks for clearing up my confusion.  I apologize if it seemed I was prying.  I didn't think about your other on-going case.  You have certainly planned this out very well.  Good for you.

Great job, too, on handling him this morning.  Hang in there.

[Oy-vey!]

KSM,

Thanks for clearing up my confusion.  I apologize if it seemed I was prying.  I didn't think about your other on-going case.  You have certainly planned this out very well.  Good for you.

Great job, too, on handling him this morning.  Hang in there.

[Her Mama]

Oy it's okay.  I am truly sorry I got defensive.  I should have waited to post until after I slept.

This is just stressful.  I feel trapped.  I'm only going to have my older daughter three more years.  Then she graduates HS and is off to college and to start her own life.  It's very stressful when I start thinking about how her father still plays such a huge part in every decision I have to make. 

I mean, even when J was doing the DV, well before the physical part, but during the threatening behavior, I found myself second guessing the call to the police and didn't make that call because I was afraid of having a report on file.  I paid for that decision, to not call right away, dearly.  If I wasn't afraid of losing my daughter and would have just made the call when J was only yelling and flipping over the furniture.  I could have avoided being drug out of the house and choked. 

I still find myself trying / having to weigh out what is truly threatening against something that just annoys the hell out of me.

It's like, I divorced the first because of his controlling and devaluing ways, and here it is 10 years later and I still, to a certain extent, have to defer to what he would think of what was going on and how he might make me pay for it.  It stinks that when I think about my "original baby girl" starting her own life.  I'm going to miss her so much.  Then I start thinking that maybe I can have a life of my own once she does and I feel guilty for feeling that way.  I'm torn between "I wish she could be my kiddo forever" and how much I'll miss our talks and goofy diva beauty shop evenings once she is on her own -vs- "I can't wait for her to be off to college" so I can do what I have to do without thought of repercussions from her father.  I know that kids her age have some say so about where they live should a custody case happen, however, there are no guarantees.  I don't want to risk the little time I have left with her while she's still my kid.

Marrying J was the worst decision I've ever made in my life.

friends?...I hope.

KSM

[Her Mama]

You know, as I sit here and really think about my whole relationship with J, from start to finish to now, the one thing that I truly hate about the whole thing is just how much my life has changed.

I used to go to friends houses, or they would come to mine.  We would sit around and play cards, grill out, listen to music, watch the kids play, rent movies, talk about life's general things and happenings like how the kids were doing in school, which pool membership we would go with for the summer or maybe plan a vacation for all of us to go on, ...basically, I had a very simple and fulfilling life.

Now, I sit at home and try to manage chaos.  Sure the kids and I do things together but not as much as we used to.  I avoid going over my friends houses anymore because I don't want to risk telling them what's going on.  It's too embarrassing. 

Friday night my best friend suddenly dropped by with her family.  (what a day to pick huh?)  I hadn't seen her in a year and a half.  This has been my best friend for nearly 20 years.  My former "partner in crime", my sister, my world.  She has never even met Little Bit yet.  Sure we have called each other over this time, always trying to keep the conversation mostly about her and hers and only on a superficial basis about me and mine.  It's not that she hasn't asked but I change the subject.  I have declined so many invitations, and made no invitations in all this time.  It's a wonder she still considers me her best friend.  She asked me where J was (I haven't even told her about moving him out or why and that was over a year ago) and I nearly started crying.  It made me realize how much I've cut myself off of friends and family.  Like a chicken, I feigned having an eyelash in my eye and went to the bathroom to pull myself together.

I want my casual, happy, drama free life BACK.

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[PDQuick]

I want my casual, happy, drama free life BACK.

Babydoll, the only thing really stopping you is you. Sure, the BS is still happening, but if you get on with your life, it will slow down and eventually stop. He knows you are there alone alot, so if friends are over, he will be less likely to start his crap, after all, he cant look like the bad guy, now can he?

[sucker_no_more]

Friday night my best friend suddenly dropped by with her family.  (what a day to pick huh?)  I hadn't seen her in a year and a half.  This has been my best friend for nearly 20 years.  My former "partner in crime", my sister, my world.  She has never even met Little Bit yet.  Sure we have called each other over this time, always trying to keep the conversation mostly about her and hers and only on a superficial basis about me and mine.  It's not that she hasn't asked but I change the subject.  I have declined so many invitations, and made no invitations in all this time.  It's a wonder she still considers me her best friend.  She asked me where J was (I haven't even told her about moving him out or why and that was over a year ago) and I nearly started crying.  It made me realize how much I've cut myself off of friends and family.  Like a chicken, I feigned having an eyelash in my eye and went to the bathroom to pull myself together.

KSM, while I know what you're feeling, I also know (as, I suspect, do you) that cutting yourself off from your best friend because you're embarrassed about what's been going on in your life is counter-productive.  What are you embarrassed about, anyway?  That the man you picked turned out to be a loser?  You do realise that here you're SURROUNDED by people who picked other people who turned out to be losers, don't you?  You made a mistake that hundreds of people here also made.  And, don't forget, the people here are the tip of a very large iceberg - there must be millions of people in the world dealing with abusive, messed-up partners or ex-partners that have never heard of BPDFamily, FTF, SWOE or anything like that.  Should they all feel so embarrassed that they cannot share their lives with their best friends?  Huge sections of literature, movies, plays and songs are all about people who ended up having the wool pulled over their eyes by charming, unreliable losers.  Sure it's embarrassing but, at the end of the day, you're not the only one who's made that self-same mistake.  What counts, what shows character and worth, is what you do once you realise this.

And just look at what you've accomplished.  You're fighting with everything you've got to do The Right Thing by the children in your life.  You've taken in Little Bit out of the pure goodness of your heart because you knew, you KNEW it was the right thing to do and you've got so much love and compassion in your heart that you were prepared to put up with all the crap and drama thrown at you to provide her with the kind of upbringing that she'd never have got with her birth parents.  You get J turning up in your house and what do you do?  Invite the local police in for breakfast!  Good god, woman, that was a stroke of genius!

Think about inviting your friend out to dinner and telling her why you've been so distant.  Please.  Sure, you may be embarrassed.  But I'll tell you this - if she's half the friend I think she is and a quarter of the friend you suggest she is, the embarrassment won't last long.  What will last and last is her pride and awe in what you are doing to put things right as best you can.  Anyone can make a mistake in choosing a partner who turns out to be, for whatever reason, bad for us.  Very few people would've done what you've done and what you are continuing to do.

Reach out to her.  That's what friends are for.  For the good times and the bad.  She won't be able to fix things, but you'd get your best friend back in your life and that's got to be good for everyone, hasn't it?  You don't have to tell her every gory detail, but do tell her enough so she knows what's happened, and she knows what you're doing to pick up the pieces.  And then ask her if you've got anything to be embarrassed about.  I doubt it, I doubt it very much.

Take care,
  SNM

[Oy-vey!]

Big hugs to you KSM.  I did not perceive anything negative in your response to me.  I was apologizing because I felt bad that I questioned you about the situation.

You are a sweetheart.  The biggest sweetheart.  HUGS.

[Mr. M]

Playing devil's advocate... and trust me, I've walked that line where I did what I thought was in my own (and the kids') best interests so as to not have any move interpreted as "false" and used against me...

But you have to be careful because if it comes out later that you didn't take swift and decisive action against a potential threat to LB... it could end up looking FAR WORSE than having taken action against a potential threat.

I'm not entirely convinced that soft-shoeing it with J at this point is in yours or LB's best long-term interests.

Be extremely careful

[criticalmass06]

Friday night my best friend suddenly dropped by with her family.  (what a day to pick huh?)  I hadn't seen her in a year and a half.  This has been my best friend for nearly 20 years.  My former "partner in crime", my sister, my world.  She has never even met Little Bit yet.  Sure we have called each other over this time, always trying to keep the conversation mostly about her and hers and only on a superficial basis about me and mine.  It's not that she hasn't asked but I change the subject.  I have declined so many invitations, and made no invitations in all this time.  It's a wonder she still considers me her best friend.  She asked me where J was (I haven't even told her about moving him out or why and that was over a year ago) and I nearly started crying.  It made me realize how much I've cut myself off of friends and family.  Like a chicken, I feigned having an eyelash in my eye and went to the bathroom to pull myself together.

I want my casual, happy, drama free life BACK.

The crap the ex BPDs do to us, splitting us from our true freinds is aweful

How are doing with your friend now, keep her in your life please.

SNM IS RIGHT, you have absolutley nothing what so ever to embarresed about, in fact YOU SHOULD BE PROUD!

[Her Mama]

Hello friends.  Happy Tuesday (meaning we all made it past the hump of Monday 8) )

He knows you are there alone alot, so if friends are over, he will be less likely to start his crap, after all, he cant look like the bad guy, now can he?

You know, through all the plotting and planning and strategy that has dominated my life in the last couple of years, that simple thing has escaped my attention.  He doesn't act up when there are witnesses.  He couldn't be the life of the party or the happy center of attention when that attention is negative.  Probably why he worked so hard during our relationship to keep me from going anywhere.  Duh. :

What are you embarrassed about, anyway?  That the man you picked turned out to be a loser?  You do realise that here you're SURROUNDED by people who picked other people who turned out to be losers, don't you? 

LOL :P  I do know this, in the logical side of my brain (the freaked out one is kind of in control a lot of the time ).  It's easier here though.  I can vent here.  I can tell you guys what's going on and you don't look at me like I have three and a half heads!  Unless you've lived with someone like this, like you guys have, you just can't have the same grasp of that reality that we are forced to live with.  I admit, before J, when I heard people say these kinds of happenings in their lives, I would be thinking to myself that either it couldn't be that bad or you probably love the drama or else you'd do something.  I think that's why I keep most of it away from friends, family, and coworkers.  Unless you've lived it, you really can't understand it.  These people are so good at keeping their actions secret from outsiders, that half the people out there wouldn't believe me if I did tell them.

You get J turning up in your house and what do you do?  Invite the local police in for breakfast! 

Well that was kind of a spur of the moment thing.  There was a pretty bad accident and the officers came in and stayed during the trauma code.  It was pretty rough (you never want to be doing a code on someone your daughter's age).  One of the officers sent me a text to see if LB and I were "up for" breakfast.  (something we do from time to time (nurses, officers, and docs) when it's been a stressful shift.  When I called him back I told him I'd pay him if he and the Rookie would come over here for breakfast.  This officer also happened to be one of the officers that arrested J for the DV, so he is aware of the "special" circumstances involving LB.  Perhaps serendipitous?

Oy, thank you babe!  ((Oy))

I'm not entirely convinced that soft-shoeing it with J at this point is in yours or LB's best long-term interests.

I didn't see a devils advocate anywhere in that.  :evil: I appreciate what you are telling me.  I do try to look at the bigger picture, and that does involve shielding the kids from things.  But when absolutely necessary, I have taken action and made effort to protect her.  The DV court was the one that rejected my RO on behalf of LB.  They wouldn't allow me to list her as a protected party because I am not biologically related to her, the adoption has not yet been approved, and he has custody (that trumps my guardianship).  At least I have that on the record showing I did make an attempt to protect her but the court wouldn't allow it.  They said they would grant one for my son, my daughter, and me, but not her.  There wasn't a point to pursue it because I have all that already in my custody order.  He is not to stalk, harass, threaten... as a result of the DV, and he sees our son when I say so per the custody order.  For now, and until they make a decision about allowing the adoption to continue and change the law about who can be a protected party in a DV RO, this is what the brass tacks are.


I called my friend from work Sunday night and we hope to be able to take the kids out this or next Friday.  I've missed her so much.  She is the holder of all my youth's secrets and I am the holder of hers.  I hope it happens.  I can't wait to see her again.