J was just at my door... why?

[Think About It....]

Please excuse, [rant on]

Because he's tired of all the drinking (again?, ppssssttt... you're drunk right now butt-loaf).  He misses me and the kids (since when).  Because he wouldn't drink if I were more supportive (right, lay your crap at my feet).  It's not right he can't come home to his family every night (you weren't doing that when you did live here).  He never gets to see his kids (he can have the whole weekend, every weekend, if he is sober but he gives Saturday to my parents, so he can go out drinking with his friends, and sleeps it off all day most Sundays while the kids babysit him).  I promise this time it will be different (right, how many times have I heard that one and ppssssttt...you're drunk right now butt-loaf).  Come on baby, don't be like that (like what, sober, responsible, concerned with what the kids are exposed to, tired of your lame excuses?).  I promise things are going to be different (again?  ppssssttt...you're drunk right now butt-loaf) blah blah blah blah blah...blah

 

How long can one be in denial before liver failure?

Sorry.  [rant off]

I just needed to get that out of my system before I go to bed.  At least he left without having to call anyone.  I guess he might be getting it that there are no more do-overs.  Hope so.

[Her Mama]

Please excuse, [rant on]

Because he's tired of all the drinking (again?, ppssssttt... you're drunk right now butt-loaf).  He misses me and the kids (since when).  Because he wouldn't drink if I were more supportive (right, lay your crap at my feet).  It's not right he can't come home to his family every night (you weren't doing that when you did live here).  He never gets to see his kids (he can have the whole weekend, every weekend, if he is sober but he gives Saturday to my parents, so he can go out drinking with his friends, and sleeps it off all day most Sundays while the kids babysit him).  I promise this time it will be different (right, how many times have I heard that one and ppssssttt...you're drunk right now butt-loaf).  Come on baby, don't be like that (like what, sober, responsible, concerned with what the kids are exposed to, tired of your lame excuses?).  I promise things are going to be different (again?  ppssssttt...you're drunk right now butt-loaf) blah blah blah blah blah...blah

 

How long can one be in denial before liver failure?

Sorry.  [rant off]

I just needed to get that out of my system before I go to bed.  At least he left without having to call anyone.  I guess he might be getting it that there are no more do-overs.  Hope so.

[LAPDR]

How long can one be in denial before liver failure?

Maybe when the ME gets the Pathology report?

[csandra]

Don't you wish you could have some of those episodes on tape ?  I swear the weeks before I finally filed were full of drunken rages that he did not even remember.

 Of course my uNPDstbxh would never admit to making any wrong moves but I know that he was in a blackout when he was saying some of that stuff. He never remembered saying any of it but then again he would never spend much time denying it. 

 "I would like to have the option to date".  "The only reason I haven't filed is because I can't afford the retainer".  "The only reason you won't agree to refinance the house is because you are being vindictive"(some would call it sanity since as soon as I agreed to refinance, he refused to pay the mortgage and instead paid less than half the amount in "child support"). 

It's hard to keep in mind how sick they really are.  Thank G-d his illness is no longer my problem as it was killing me.

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[Her Mama]

He just called.  It's after 4.  He's crying.  "Tell DS and LB I love them.  Put me next to my Dad."  (his father, passed away two years ago) 

What a mind-fk.  I hate that.  So now I'm awake.  Wondering if this is the time he is going to actually do it.  I hate this.  I am so tired of this.  He has made a couple attempts in the past.  Always where I would find him.  This is the first time he's threatened it from his cell.  Of course I have no way of knowing where he is.  I just finished calling the police and gave them a description of his car.  Told them what he had threatened to do in the past and where.  Told them to take him to my ER if they find him.

I don't know what else to do.  Of course I feel like a sht now for being so cold to him earlier.  Maybe he was sincere.  All I could see was he was drunk again.

[Rose1]

What a pain.  ((KS)) I guess the appropriate answer is "OK" and then hang up, as difficult as that is to do.

rose

[Her Mama]

I am moving from the worried phase to the pissed phase.  The police have not had any luck locating him.  It's a fairly spread out city.  Most of the officers know me through work so I know they would take the call seriously.

Rose,
I know what you are saying.  He didn't give me time to respond anyway.  He just said what he said and hung up.

I am conflicted right now.  I don't know if I'm so jaded because I see it so much at work, or he has threatened it in the past, or the times I have "found" him, it wouldn't have taken much effort to stop it himself, or I'm just so sick of all of it.

It's not that I'm sick of it in a bad way.  I don't want him to succeed.  I want him to get help but I know that is out of my control.

The other thing that pisses me off is that his so called friends KNOW he has a problem with alcohol.  Why they have so little respect for what it is costing J's children, I will never understand.  They start calling him the second he gets off work to go out.  No they do not hold him down and make him drink but just a little restraint maybe...maybe talk to him...maybe act like friends who care.

sorry rambling and tired.

[Love the man hate the BP]

Oh KSM, what a night.  And the day doesn't bode well, either, since you'll be so tired.  Please take care of yourself and rest if you can. 

This is all in the hands of the Higher Power.  Don't pick up the guilt and carry it around, ok?

Why they have so little respect for what it is costing J's children, I will never understand.

That's actually an easy one to answer.  His friends are alcoholics and they all use each other to enable their own drinking.  For one of his friends to acknowledge the impact of J's drinking on his children, he might just have to look at his own behavior, and that isn't an option for the active alcoholic. 

Keep us posted, friend.  LTM

[Rose]

I am so sorry --- not a wake up call you want to get.  But I agree about leaving the guilt, as you're right -- this isn't something you can control.  Stay strong.

[lennic]

I am so very sorry KS...Illness is so very heartless...

I remember once a long time ago,,I was sitting in one of the bar stools I had paid for a thousand times..

My wife entered the darkly lit bar as I turned squinting to the obtrusive new light...

She had my daughter in her arms and my son in tow,,holding his hand tightly as she brought him into this den of sorrows...

She wasn't mad,,no anger on her face...she was a reflection of the two little souls in her care...just pleading those three sets of eyes were..

"You coming home?" she said dryly..

"Yea Daddy when you coming home?"..the little man sternly inquired...

"Soon..real soon." the addict sadly replied.

This set of moments had such little effect upon the obsessed mind of this alcoholic as I hid in that darkness.  But today I remember each crease in her face and every tear that was being squished back by the pride of determination. Those three were brave that day...and it was much later when their example pushed this coward forward.

I hope and pray that J finds that "crisp" thought...Someday he may be thankfull for your bravery..

Always,

Lenny

[Her Mama]

Thank you all.  God I hate this.  I hate feeling like what I said to him sent him over the edge.  I wasn't mean.  I just told him that I had heard it all too many times before and I just couldn't do it anymore.  I told him I don't believe in promises anymore.  I told him he needed to check into rehab and this house wasn't that.  I told him to take his drunk ... to his friends house and sleep it off.  And then I closed the door.  Didn't slam it.  Just closed it, then locked it.

Lenny, I can't tell you how many times I've done what your wife did.  Gone out to find him and beg him to come home.  I hate what this sickness does to people and everyone who has ever cared about them.  I'm not feeling all that brave right now.  I feel scared, then numb, then angry, and then back and forth among all those feelings.  I do pray he finds that "crisp thought".  His children deserve that, not this.

[PDQuick]

((KSM)) Try not to worry, it will be ok. This time tomorrow, you will know the outcome. He is probably just as you said, sleepin it off at some friends house. Dont give in to the drama, as it is what he wants, and what he thinks he needs you to do. What he really needs is to hit bottom, and realize nothing is going to change until he changes it. Be proud that you helped him on his descent last night. Dont enable him. You did the right thing for you, him, and your children. Look again at Lenny, look how wonderful he turned out to be!

[Her Mama]

Well, I just called his work.  He's there.  He cussed me out for being such a butt last night and then proceeded to blame me that he was late for work this morning so they gave him three days off without pay next week.  Wasted energy.  Him.  Me.  The whole frickin thing.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[hestia]

Oh, KSM, I am so sorry.

Repeat after me: None of this is my fault. I am not responsible for J's well-being. I am doing all I can.

When you forget that, repeat it again.

You're a good person, and this will be OK.

[sucker_no_more]

I don't know what else to do.  Of course I feel like a sht now for being so cold to him earlier.  Maybe he was sincere.  All I could see was he was drunk again.

KSM, I feel for you I really do.  The sad fact of the matter is that the following morning he'll likely not really remember what he said, and likely not really remember what he felt at the time to make him say what he said.  Even if he does, all that will evaporate the next time his drinking buddies call and invite him out for a beer.  And as much as you wish it were otherwise, it's futile to expect his drinking buddies to try or even be able to stop him.  You know as well as I do that if any one them does try, they'll be split black in an instant and replaced by a new drinking buddy.  I've seen my ex do that time and time again.

I hate feeling like what I said to him sent him over the edge.  I wasn't mean.  I just told him that I had heard it all too many times before and I just couldn't do it anymore.  I told him I don't believe in promises anymore.  I told him he needed to check into rehab and this house wasn't that.  I told him to take his drunk ... to his friends house and sleep it off.  And then I closed the door.  Didn't slam it.  Just closed it, then locked it.

Again, I know the feeling oh so very well and it is truly heart-breaking.  Even if there's no love left between you (there is none left between my ex and I), it's still tragic to see someone - anyone -  drink their life away regardless of the damage it causes.  You did the right thing.  He's blown his credibility with you because of his actions and his choices.  You told him what you think he should do - check into rehab - and that was the right advice.  You're not an alcohol addiction counsellor.  He needs proper, professional help.  Call it "tough love", call it setting boundaries, call it preventing yourself from being swept back into the dance again.  Anyway you call it, you did it right.  What he does with that is entirely up to him.  If he decides to blow off your advice and, instead, go and do something stupid... that would be his tragic, senseless and sad choice.  It would not be yours.

Take care,
  SNM

[PDQuick]

Well now it is over. Isnt it great getting back to being the proverbial btch? LOL. Im glad its over for you.

[Her Mama]

Thank you guys.  You are my source of strength and so very dear to my heart. 




PDQ , I can breathe big deep butt breaths now. Fk him.  :evil:

[csandra]

As bad as last night was, this just gives you more information to keep your distance/LC/NC.

 It was heart breaking to see friends and family turn a blind eye to the drinking.  His best friend used to buy him Odoul's when we came to visit and then thought nothing of it when he started drinking the real stuff 15 years later.  Saw no connection to the disinigration of his home and family.

 His sister wrote a letter when he was going through out patient treatment saying that she felt that the only reason he didn't drink for the first 15 years was because I wouldn't let him(hah, I had NO idea that he even wanted to drink).  His younger sister insisted that he had no problem but had no idea that he had been through treatment the prior year.

 What really galled me was that these people felt they had so much more insight into him and his behaviors and I WAS HIS WIFE.   

My mom lovingly confronted him on his drinking and it really put him over the edge.  She had/has always loved and admired him.  He painted her black, after 20 years of mutual admiration. 

Hope you have some knowledge/experience re:Alanon.  Be of good courage.

[Mr. M]

Next time he shows up at your door drunk, call the cops the moment he gets in his car to drive away.  He's a menace.

[PamelaMc]

KSM,

Please do not let this b*stard con you into believing that anything you might have said (the truth) is responsible for "sending him over the edge."  He is on the edge.  He wanted to be on the edge.  This is where he feels most comfortable.  He wants to jump off the edge and blame someone for pushing him.

Next time let his call(s) go into voice mail.  Then delete it before listening to it.

[screamingfire]

You're a better person than me, Ks. When the whole "put me next tot my father" crap started I would have told him  "Ok, just make sure you don't make a mess."
Luna's nice little phone calls where she called up sobbing and telling me she wanted to die only stopped when I called 911 and then told her what I said above "do what you want, just don't leave me a mess."
Harsh but effective. She only wanted the attention her calls got her. When I wouldn't play she didn't call anymore.  
I hope you document what happened last night and have it ready the next time he threatens to take lil Bit. What a great, stable father he is. Of course the courts would give her to him.    What an infantile jerkwad