The power of secondary non sisterhood

[Think About It...]

I would like to thank all of my fellow female secondary nons on this site. 

It dawned on me today that I have finally reached a place where I am "centered" as it relates to my DH's upbdx.  No, I'm not entirely at peace - nor am I sure anyone can ever be in the midst of her insanity...watching and worrying as my SS11 grows into adolescence.  As my non DH continues his long journey toward full comprehension of the damage she has done and continues to do...he still likes to bury his head in the sand more often than I care to admit. 

When I say "centered" I mean that I am no longer allowing her to put me in the FOG...fear, obligation or guilt.  I feel my own personal power in the situation and I am confident that I can reinforce my own boundaries without apology, angst, or feelings of guilt.  I own my feelings and give myself full permission to have them.  I do not own what isn't mine to own...rather that which belongs to others such as my DH, upbdx, SS, and soon --- my own biochildren.  My children are very young, but my older of the two is reaching an age where he might begin to ask questions about our family, its history, and SS's mom. 

I thought I might see upbdx on her "turf"...SS's school tonight.  In the past, I would have been a nervous wreck and been very concerned about what she might do, what DH might do or not do, how I would possibly react.  I felt like an observer without much recourse of my own for so long.  I would have posted about it, thought about it, worried about it, and held my breath about it.

Instead, I had a fabulous day focusing on my own life and my own children.  As we neared the school I visualized myself surrounded by my secondary non sisters.  It was remarkably empowering.  I hope I don't sound too corny when I share this with you.  I drew strength from you.  I remembered so many of the stories and words of wisdom and introspection shared on these boards.  A calm came over me.  I was ME.  I was not some powerless pawn in the BPD dance.  I was me.  Bolstered by my secondary non sisters with a sense of CLARITY and absolute understanding that could only be reached in your company.

Thank you.  I wish I could express how much your support and sharing have meant to me. 

[salt]

I would like to thank all of my fellow female secondary nons on this site. 

It dawned on me today that I have finally reached a place where I am "centered" as it relates to my DH's upbdx.  No, I'm not entirely at peace - nor am I sure anyone can ever be in the midst of her insanity...watching and worrying as my SS11 grows into adolescence.  As my non DH continues his long journey toward full comprehension of the damage she has done and continues to do...he still likes to bury his head in the sand more often than I care to admit. 

When I say "centered" I mean that I am no longer allowing her to put me in the FOG...fear, obligation or guilt.  I feel my own personal power in the situation and I am confident that I can reinforce my own boundaries without apology, angst, or feelings of guilt.  I own my feelings and give myself full permission to have them.  I do not own what isn't mine to own...rather that which belongs to others such as my DH, upbdx, SS, and soon --- my own biochildren.  My children are very young, but my older of the two is reaching an age where he might begin to ask questions about our family, its history, and SS's mom. 

I thought I might see upbdx on her "turf"...SS's school tonight.  In the past, I would have been a nervous wreck and been very concerned about what she might do, what DH might do or not do, how I would possibly react.  I felt like an observer without much recourse of my own for so long.  I would have posted about it, thought about it, worried about it, and held my breath about it.

Instead, I had a fabulous day focusing on my own life and my own children.  As we neared the school I visualized myself surrounded by my secondary non sisters.  It was remarkably empowering.  I hope I don't sound too corny when I share this with you.  I drew strength from you.  I remembered so many of the stories and words of wisdom and introspection shared on these boards.  A calm came over me.  I was ME.  I was not some powerless pawn in the BPD dance.  I was me.  Bolstered by my secondary non sisters with a sense of CLARITY and absolute understanding that could only be reached in your company.

Thank you.  I wish I could express how much your support and sharing have meant to me. 

[Her Mama]

YOU GO GIRL!  Strength in numbers honey, strength in numbers!   

[Stepmom04]

Salt,
I too have found tremendous support from the wonderful secondary non's here.  This place has changed my life.  I am so happy for you.  I have to say, I thought about what you said and the image of a school gym with bleachers filled with all of us secondary non's...I'd dare any of our BPD's to walk in the door.  KS Stepmom said it so well...Strength in numbers!

Sm04

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[hestia]

Salt -
It's not corny - it's true.

There is strength in knowing you are not alone. And even though I am not at the same place you are, I have come a long way.

[Love the man hate the BP]

salt, honey...I applaud YOU and thank YOU,  too!  I know what you mean about carrying "us" with you.  I do the same thing, and of late, have felt disengaged from the drama myself.  I am enjoying this state for now...I consider it the gift of grace.

We are all learning so much from eachother, and our partners are learning as well.  All in all,  it's a wonderful life!

P.S.  I am counting on my secondary non sistas to remind me of my own words when I forget them, okay?  Peace my friends!   LTM

[salt]

Thank you for your responses.

All I have to add is...

Heaven help a BPD facing a "wall" of secondary non's...they would certainly cower into a corner and fear for their lives. 

We must continue to "surround" each other in our thoughts so that we are adequately emotionally prepared for their "front".  They would most certainly back down at the sight of such strength.

It's called KARMA. 

[drexelgal]

Heaven help a BPD facing a "wall" of secondary non's...they would certainly cower into a corner and fear for their lives.

Amen to that!

Much love and support always,
Drex

[TheOther]

"A calm came over me.  I was ME.  I was not some powerless pawn in the BPD dance.  I was me." I hope I can get to this place one day!

[Gagrl]

I'm with you!

The support here has been tremendous over the 7 years of my marriage to my DH.

Of course, the biggest help in our situation with The Dark Princess is that she moved 1500 miles away.