not feeling connected

[Think About It...]

Hi Mac,

The sex as a physical release but nothing for the partner is an on going theme for me too.

I left.

Well really I kicked him out & I was afraid to lose everything.  Now I understand the words, Once you lose everything, you have nothing to fear.  Works for me.

Gam  I love the list.  You left one out though...

All of the above.

Silas

[Silas Pseudonym]

Hi Mac,

The sex as a physical release but nothing for the partner is an on going theme for me too.

I left.

Well really I kicked him out & I was afraid to lose everything.  Now I understand the words, Once you lose everything, you have nothing to fear.  Works for me.

Gam  I love the list.  You left one out though...

All of the above.

Silas

[macman]

I actually got a compliment this week end.  One of her friends and her three girls were up for the week end.  She is going thru a divorce, (husband is a real loser) so we invited them up to get away from things for awhile.  We grilled and roasted marshmellows and I watched the kids on and off so wife and her friend could get some girl time.  After they left, my wife said "you can be a lousy husband but you are great dad".  A COMPLIMENT!  Actually, she meant it, both parts.  She did at least admit that she could be a lousy wife sometimes. She even bought me the "Sasquatch, Legend Meets Science" book I had been looking for.  (OK, she had it on back order and it finally came in.)

The two of us can work together on some things, which is one reason why I keep trying to stay.  Another reason is more selfish; I was working around the house, and really do not want to lose what I have worked for.  Materialistic yes, but still something to consider.

I also see the pain that the other woman is going thru, and I don't want to inflict that on my wife (co-dependant again, I know).  We have also had so many people pulling for us, people that gave up on marriages but see us still trying.  Our family is not in that crowd though.  Hers and mine think I should split. I suppose it should tell me something when her family and old school friends ask why I am still putting up with it.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[eastmeetswest]

Hi mac,

I went to your first and last post.  First, do you really think the sex meant anything to her after all the times she said exactly the opposite?  Or, is it possible she said it just to screw with you.  BPDs are contrarians.  Can you really believe anything?  Second, you smell like sh$t but you don't look like it.  Is that a compliment?  mac I want to give you a hug till you get it.  There was no meanigful sex and that was not a compliment.  You deserve REAL compliments. 

[crystal]

I suppose it should tell me something when her family and old school friends ask why I am still putting up with it.

yes, my friend, it should tell you alot.

Crystal

[macman]

Sometimes the sex means something to her.  Other times it does not.  That is OK if all you are doing is just "ripping off a piece".  With her though it is always more than that.  She is wanting some real deep connection, either emotional or simply being desirable.  OK, I suppose that's normal too.  I guess I feel like a trained monkey, always trying to please. 

I have never seen anybody try to keep score the way she does.  Everything at home is a list of what she does and what I do.  I guess maybe I started it by complaining about the lack of what she does.  I get so tired of her immediately stating after dinner "I cooked - you clean".  I certainly don't mind sharing the work, if I felt like it was being reciprocated.  Its like she tells herself " if I make a  big stink about something I do, and make it sound really BIG, maybe he won't ask me to do anything else".  it does not make for feeling connected, especially after her telling me things like "I can't deal with your issues anymore", or " I don't have time for your petty BS" to things that I mention.  On the other hand, I have to be there 100% for any issues that she has. 

[eastmeetswest]

It is supposed to be 100% from both which should then equal 200%.  But what happens in this type of relationship, is we end up giving closer to the 200% over time and what they give approaches 0%.

[lmartens]

 :-X

Mac;

I am a newbie to this site.  However I am not a newbie to this situation.  I have been living it for four years.  Sounds like my partner and your wife could be twins.

I learn a lot by reading all of the posts.  I also feel there is a lot of negativity here, maybe it is just venting.  I do understand that most of us ARE in negative situations, but I am an eternal optimist.

There are a few things I have done for myself.  They have helped immensly in a short few weeks.  BOUNDARIES and DEALBREAKERS. I forced myself to push the envelope.  I figured she was always pushing it - why couldn't it.

There is no intimacy (sex) between us until she is in better mental health and I feel safe with her mental health, should she seek it from others - DEALBREAKER, all done, no discussion and your sh*t will be in the front yard.

Never scream at me, or physically touch me in anger - EVER AGAIN - DEALBREAKER and your sht will be in the front yard.

She knows that I MEAN WHAT I HAVE SAID AND THAT I WILL FOLLOW THROUGH.

In my current opinion BPD's are cowards inside.  They bully to fill their fear of abandonment.  Once they are faced with strong boundaries - sometimes they back down and seek help.  I told my BPD on the final straw day that she has "smashed" my spirit and that I will no longer allow it.  I will be working on my own mental health - (I've gotten depressed for dealing with this crap for tooooo long) and she better get busy with herself.  Life is precious and I am not willing to waist anymoreof it.

She is in heavy therapy (3x's weekly) with many drug combinations.  She has actually seen the errors of her ways and is now depressed, sleepy and quiet actually.  She hasn't learned how to get out of the "poor me" feelings yet but I can see her working. 

She knows I am strong and the boundaries are still in place and that they always will be.  Yes, there are children involved here as well.  I urge you to think about them - as they don't have the choice to do anything about your marriage - they are powerless.

There are other options besides ending your marriage, but you have to be healthy/strong enough to do them. 

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Get off her back, get out of her way and get on with your own health.

When you know what you need to know...

You will do what you need to do.

Best of luck and my thoughts are with you.