Strong Advice on avoiding confrontations?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Dear fellow members, I have a uBPD wife. How do you all get away from them once they've started raging?

We all are very used to predicting on which day/situation they may be liable to explode by reading their stress levels.
In the past year I have tried all methods to avoid confrontation once the BPD is in Rage form... or pre-rage sulking.

Its like rat poision though because no matter how passive you become or take all the blame, anything you do will be the reason why "they were forced" to rage - and eventually they become immune to even your most accpeting atitude just to rage on you.

- First and foremost, I am really tired of accusations that I "shouted" at her. Shout means to raise ones voice in anger. My 'shout' actually consists of a bemused or frustrated disagreement but all done in gentle manner to express my feelings or protestations on the topic or her assumption/conclusion. I should basically just be quiet and accept it and throw in a sorry - but then...thats the death of conversation and it just adds another brick in my wall.

- When I try to justify or protest, it just irritates her and if she is stressed or upset about other things, she will start raising her voice and shouting and then walking away or banging doors. I call this "incubation period". Behind that closed door, the rage is increasing. These days I go in after I've swallowed my self-respect and go in to apologize or calm her down because I dont want her to progress to rage.

- If she hasnt made-up, its the worst. She will shout me out of the room. There will be silence once she's out.
a) If I dont talk to her and remain quiet and passive - it will be the cause of her rage.
b) If I try to talk to her , she will get more angry - it will be the cause of her rage.

I will not go into Rage details as we all know them - but how do I control her when she's in rage? She does almost anything to provoke me, last night it was smashing lotion bottles (the plastic ones only) onto the door expecting me to rush in. When I didnt after the 5th bottle, she came rushing out and screamed at me to clean all of them!

Can you all give me tips?
Ive done going out but she locked me and probably thought i was having sex etc etc.

[Budgerigar]

Dear fellow members, I have a uBPD wife. How do you all get away from them once they've started raging?

We all are very used to predicting on which day/situation they may be liable to explode by reading their stress levels.
In the past year I have tried all methods to avoid confrontation once the BPD is in Rage form... or pre-rage sulking.

Its like rat poision though because no matter how passive you become or take all the blame, anything you do will be the reason why "they were forced" to rage - and eventually they become immune to even your most accpeting atitude just to rage on you.

- First and foremost, I am really tired of accusations that I "shouted" at her. Shout means to raise ones voice in anger. My 'shout' actually consists of a bemused or frustrated disagreement but all done in gentle manner to express my feelings or protestations on the topic or her assumption/conclusion. I should basically just be quiet and accept it and throw in a sorry - but then...thats the death of conversation and it just adds another brick in my wall.

- When I try to justify or protest, it just irritates her and if she is stressed or upset about other things, she will start raising her voice and shouting and then walking away or banging doors. I call this "incubation period". Behind that closed door, the rage is increasing. These days I go in after I've swallowed my self-respect and go in to apologize or calm her down because I dont want her to progress to rage.

- If she hasnt made-up, its the worst. She will shout me out of the room. There will be silence once she's out.
a) If I dont talk to her and remain quiet and passive - it will be the cause of her rage.
b) If I try to talk to her , she will get more angry - it will be the cause of her rage.

I will not go into Rage details as we all know them - but how do I control her when she's in rage? She does almost anything to provoke me, last night it was smashing lotion bottles (the plastic ones only) onto the door expecting me to rush in. When I didnt after the 5th bottle, she came rushing out and screamed at me to clean all of them!

Can you all give me tips?
Ive done going out but she locked me and probably thought i was having sex etc etc.

[JerryKew]

Dear Budgerigar (what a cool nickname!),

I know exactly how you feel. Don't try to make sense out the chaos. There just isn't any. It's a no-win situation and no matter what you do or say the anger and blame will ALWAYS be directed at you because you are the TARGET, and that's how her disorder functions.
It took me 17 years to figure it out, so don't beat yourself up for not knowing what to do in the face of her rages.
The only thing you can do is set firm boundaries and enforce them AT ALL COSTS. Then decide if you can stay or if it's better to leave.
Right now you're playing the endless game of trying to understand what cannot be understood. One day you'll have to start thinking about what you can do for yourself. Remember Kennedy's words: "Don't ask what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country." Well, you can sort of apply it for yourself.

Good luck,

 

JerryKew

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Cyndi]

There is only one way to deal with the rage...leave.

As you have already found out, nothing works with them, any reaction you have will keep it going.  When you leave, they have lost their audience.  Oh, the drama, oh the theatrics!
You didn't mention how long you have been married.  Sounds like you know her pretty well though, your "luckier" than me in the fact that you saw it coming.  Mine didn't have patterns like that.

Again you are looking for ways to "tolerate" this behavior, and she knows it.  How often does this happen?

During my x's rages, all I could do is stand there just stunned.  There were so intense, so stupid, and so out of the blue.  Just complete insanity.  There would have been nothing I could have done to prevent them, or stop them.  My solution?  Take yourself out of the equation, once they lose their audience, it will be pretty much over.

sorry Budge, I know it's not very helpful to you.

I want you to ask yourself however if you think this is the kind of relationship you deserve.
Is she in therapy?  Taking Medication?  Anything? 

How many more years of this do you think you will be able to tolerate?

[Familyof9]

This is all to familar to me. I have a uBPDw and she does the same thing. I found out just recently and it has been such a relief to know that it was not all me. The best thing is to detach yourself emotionally. Basically, love her without taking on her emotional rage. It is harder then it sounds. It is so hard right now I spending some days out of the house to clear my head and emotions.

I have been with my wife for 9 years and just found out. The most of those years I was saying sorry even when I was not wrong. Don't let your bp damage you as a person any longer. I have taken so much damage I have lost some of my most important skills or qualities to be successful in my career that now I have to work on know.

Again, it is a big relief to find out what happened. I was always wondering what happened to me. I was able to do this and that and this, now I struggle to do all of it.

I hope this was helpful. You benefit from T to help you detach. It is helping me.

 

[182RG]

Dear fellow members, I have a uBPD wife. How do you all get away from them once they've started raging?

Disconnect.  your uBPD wife puts you in these no-win situations to control you.   Nothing you do will make a difference, and remember...it's not your responsibility.  It's their responsibility and they are not taking it.

You cannot set boundries half way.  As sad as it sounds, leave the room or leave the house.  DO NOT ENGAGE her.  It's what she wants from you.  She wants reaction to see to what degree she can control you.  They are a 2 year old inside having a tantrum.

Be careful of being around when she is physically acting out.  Short of her bleeding to death, or if you have kids, causing them harm...let her do her thing.  Getting involved in that opens you up to react.  It also opens her up to projecting the physical acting out on you.  Read the stories on the board about trumped up police calls, DV charges, restraining orders.

I've COMPLETELY disconnected from my uBPDw.  We don't have kids together, however I have a step child.  Unfortunately, she is being poisoned by mom about how horrible and uncommitted men are.  I spend weekends with family, friends, etc.  If you need a sanctuary, find one and use it consistently.

You have some choices my friend.  Be honest with yourself about whether you want this for the rest of your life.

Greg

[At_Bay]

First, you do have a lot of patience and put yourself through a lot just listening to all that. At best, there is an adolescent mindset to incorporate into daily life and I'm guessing it is whenever she isn't the center of attention or when she feels stress.

If you want to deal with it by staying (interacting) with her, I suppose try showing some concern for her. Not asking to get her something, but talking about how you want her to feel better and you two to do something together. I sometimes do this except when he is making himself sick. I can talk him out of a respiratory problem, no kidding. I only have to start talking about which medicine might help and try to figure out what's causing it as if I didn't know. (Both of our therapists advised that one of us get a hotel room when he's fuming mad. Easter, to save money he just left for 3 hrs. It is safer for a man to be out if at night.)

I sure don't advocate continuing to do this to oneself, and she could do this somewhere else without your help. This will not stop until she knows for certain that you'll leave for good if raging doesn't stop.
Realizing I would expose all our problems by divorcing him, was the only way my husband's rages stopped. He can read me real well and knew I'd become the proverbial loose cannon in his life. Now, the therapy with a woman he trusts has helped him be aware of what he does. He takes more pride in acting sane. BUT, he can still feel ignored and slighted if I pay attention to others and also if I object to something he says. He still cannot stop feeling like a victim and becoming angry. He's made progress with the latter. Do you see the position nons are put into? Your option is agreeing SHE is the sad victim in this scenario.

AB

AB

[TonyC]

dont go home


just kidding,

in my case i knew when they were coming...i called it mary's  BPD face...i even pointed it out to her therapist ... he recognized it as soon as i said some truth she had lied about...the t would look at me and gesture , heads up shes gonna blow

your best bet ... remove yourself...early detection is best maybe to defuse it...you can try

but on the same token ... how many trips to the park do you want to take?

[nonbpinny]

Budgerigar,

I've been there.  Lately I've tried new tactics with my possible-BPSO.  Unfortunately, when I'm left with no recourse, I tend to become sarcastic and a bit nasty myself (yes, my choice, not proud of it).  I thought I'd try something else, partly to at least give the benefit of the doubt that I'm 50% of the problem. 

Agreeing with the person or bending to their demands seems to work for a minute, until you realize you're just giving away more of yourself.

Refusing to talk just causes more rage.

Like I've said to my SO several times, it's a no-win scenario.  If you say yes, you're a jerk. If you say no, you're a jerk.  If you're silent, you're playing games.

[nonbpinny]

Forgot to address the "Stop shouting" thing.  I get it too.  If I raise my voice slightly, I'm told to stop shouting because she has neighbors.  When she starts banging the door, slapping her hand on the table, cursing, yelling, her excuse is it's her place.

[ditchdigger]

I have yet to find any way to get away from the rage, except walk away (while I am being screamed at), tell her that I am hanging up when the screaming starts, avoid the phone the rest of the night and for a couple of days.
For myself, I was in here posting a lot, venting a lot. I don't vent in here a lot anymore, life is SO busy.
But at night, when I am alone, I still journal on my computer. It helps to get the 'facts' on paper, instead of letting her rampages replay over and over again in my mind all day and night. It helps for me to record how it started (IF I can figure it out), how I reacted, what I did about it...and also to look for my part in her rampage...IF there was any part.
It helps to know there are so many others going through things so similar and that i am NOT crazy or alone~living with this insanity, though it feels so isolated at times. It helps to know that I am NOT giulty of the things she regulary accuses me of...
I am on the journey now to see if there is any of the old me that I can bring back to life...a lot of me has died.
And I decided to fight for me, I am worth more than this.

[wojah]

I am on the journey now to see if there is any of the old me that I can bring back to life...a lot of me has died.
And I decided to fight for me, I am worth more than this.

Ditchdigger,

I agree, you are worth more than this.  Glad to hear you have decided to fight for yourself.  Self preservation will become your number one priority (if it hasn't been already) and after a zillion times of all the b.s., you will step back, disconnect (disengage) and rediscover yourself again.  Your situation rings a bell with all of us NONs.  We can relate to all of your feelings and experiences.  It sounds like you have been walking on eggshells for a long time.  Most of NONs end up accepting the reality that our BP partners will never change due to their mental illness.  When you come to terms with the reality of the situation, you will be able to start planning for a better future for yourself.  Hoping you find yourself soon.  Wishing you lots of peace. 

[doublebind]

Do. Not. Engage.  Don't argue, don't, for god's sake, apologize unless it was undoubtedly your fault.  Talk in a normal tone of voice, don't clean anything up.  If possible, leave.  Don't shout, don't placate.  The rage seldom has anything to do with you, believe that.  You can't make it better, but you can make it worse.  Don't call names back at her, don't defend.

That's about all I have to say.  When I figure out how to deal with this I will write the book.

[prayingforsanity]

When you write the book doublebind I will buy it! I am so guilty of apologizing when I have not done anything just to make the madness stop. Then I feel ashamed for doing it. I also have not incorporated the "don't defend" principle into my life. I'm working on it though- thanks for the reminders.

He always chooses late at night to blow up and I want to leave the house, but how many safe places are there for a woman to go at midnight? Like ditchdigger- I want to find the parts of me that have died or that I have killed in order to survive with him, but I have cut off many facets of myself and it's a long road back.

I hope you find a safe place to protect yourself from the raging and feel good about yourself again. Wishing you peace and confidence ~~~