the road goes on forever and the party never ends

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

From the Book Reviews section:

Recovery From Co-Dependency
Laurie Weiss and Jonathan B. Weiss
http://www.alibris.com/search/books/qwork/5597453/used/Recovery%20from%20Co-Dependency:%20It's%20Never%20Too%20Late%20to%20Reclaim%20Your%20Childhood

An indepth exploration of co-dependency and the process to recovery.  The book provides a information on the stages of childhood , presenting healthy as well as dysfunctional development that may be used during recovery to address current emotional issues.


I found the information to be particularly usefull. The explainations of dysfuntional development (emotional abuse) of children gave me some very clear insights as to how my behavior today is a reflection (or reoccurance) of similar behavior as a child.  There is a brief identification of a few personality disorders, and which developmental stage they may originate from.  The chapters on "Working with Feelings" were especially helpful.  Overall I think that this is a great book for understanding group theropy or for tating steps to overcome many of our own personal issues.

Also "Understanding the Borderline Mother" (Lawson), and Melodie Beattie's classic on codependency.  Read through the Book section here and see what sounds as though it might help.   

[JoannaK]

From the Book Reviews section:

Recovery From Co-Dependency
Laurie Weiss and Jonathan B. Weiss
http://www.alibris.com/search/books/qwork/5597453/used/Recovery%20from%20Co-Dependency:%20It's%20Never%20Too%20Late%20to%20Reclaim%20Your%20Childhood

An indepth exploration of co-dependency and the process to recovery.  The book provides a information on the stages of childhood , presenting healthy as well as dysfunctional development that may be used during recovery to address current emotional issues.


I found the information to be particularly usefull. The explainations of dysfuntional development (emotional abuse) of children gave me some very clear insights as to how my behavior today is a reflection (or reoccurance) of similar behavior as a child.  There is a brief identification of a few personality disorders, and which developmental stage they may originate from.  The chapters on "Working with Feelings" were especially helpful.  Overall I think that this is a great book for understanding group theropy or for tating steps to overcome many of our own personal issues.

Also "Understanding the Borderline Mother" (Lawson), and Melodie Beattie's classic on codependency.  Read through the Book section here and see what sounds as though it might help.   

[abc]

Thank you joanna,

which one of the boundries books?

http://store.cloudtownsendstore.com/books.html

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[elphaba]

I have to vehimently disagree with this statement

to stay together with your spouse in a bad marriage is more important for your daughter than getting divorced

To raise strong daughters you must teach them to stand up for themselves, to learn NOT to allow themselves to be abused or to abuse others...if this is the kind of behavior that these kids are seeing...the blame/rage/name calling/laziness...guess what...they will likely fall into one of the two categories (abuser or abused)...is that what you want for your kids?

My daughters have much more respect for me because I made the choice to stop being abused, to take that stand and regardless of how much it hurt to end my marriage...that my life, their lives, were so much more important.

I admire your dedication to your children, you obviously love them very much, but, being strong for your kids does not necessarily mean that you tolorate the abuse and stay no matter what...

A child would rather be from a broken home than live in one.

[doublebind]

I would suggest a trip to the psychiatrist for evaluation for depression.  You are never going to be able to move in any direction in your current state.  Indifference.  Ever heard of learned helplessness?

[abc]

No, I have not heard of learned helplessness, but after a quick search of the internet I do now.  That does not look like a good thing.  It definitely can be applied to me and so many others it would seem.  I would think that only through education and talking with my therapist, the effort needs to begin to unlearn some things that I hold dear to myself.  Here is a synopsis that I found on wikipedia, though you can not always trust the information on that site...


Learned helplessness is a psychological condition in which an animal has learned to believe that it is helpless. It has come to believe that it has no control over its situation and that whatever it does is futile. As a result, the animal will stay passive in the face of an unpleasant, harmful or damaging situation, even when it does actually have the power to change its circumstances. Learned helplessness theory is the view that depression results from a perceived lack of control over the events in one's life, which may result from prior exposure to (actually or apparently) uncontrollable negative events.

I must say that I am feeling pretty good today though.  I have focus on these issues before me.  Time to keep reading.  Thanks for the post.

[abc]

I did a good thing this morning, or really last night.  It was a small step but I feel better about myself.  Our upstair air conditioning went out and we scheduled a service call for this morning, also during that time a company is scheduled to come work on our alarm system at the house. 

So last night my wife and I had just gone to bed and she told me "it's going to be busy tomorrow morning",

I said "yes it sounds like it will be, I have a lot to get done at work."

I heard the despair and anger in her voice right away.. "WHAT? they are coming betweeen 9am - 1pm!, You are just going to leave me here with the kids with all of these people coming to the house?",

I calmly replied "Why would you need me here when these workers will just come in a take care of fixing things? What reason do I need to be here?" 

She went into a  5 minute tiraid with the usually stuff:
"You just get up in the morning and purposely do things wrong all day just to upset me"
"There were a few times this evening when I needed to scream at you for being a moron, but I can't because Daughter was right there.  You purposely live your life to make me angry!" 
"I don't know why we are even married!"

Then silence for a moment and I told her ...  "you do not really mean that."  silence ... silence... snoring ... quiet ... peace...

Anyway, it was still 8:30 before I was able to leave to go to work, but a few months ago I probably would have stayed all morning and waited for the service people to leave.  It felt good over, a small boundry, but I need to start somewhere.

 

[turtle]

Good for you abc.

One small step for abc and his children!

And doesn't it feel good?

Turtle

[JoannaK]

One small step, abc!  Good for you!

In response to your question:

Thank you joanna,

which one of the boundries books?

http://store.cloudtownsendstore.com/books.html

The two I've heard about are Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage, which I think were the earliest books.  But a few of the other titles sound good also!

[warrior]

good for you, abc.  that's exactly what I'm talkin' about.

[csandra]

Weren't you trying to fit in a fishing trip or golf activity a few posts ago ?  Maybe you could set something up, something to look forward to.

 My kids are not so understanding about the time spent trying to reconcile with dad.  Nor were they so understanding about my grief over failed relationship.  They hold me to much higher standard than their dad.  Our kids didn't witness any physcial abuse though they did witness the intimidation.  The worst behavior was AFTER he had moved out. 

Just today, my daughter shared with me that her dad had recently gotten really mad at her and did that "mean face and pointy finger thing" and shouted at her that he would take her home if she wouldn't shape up.  Apparently she had pointed out his error on an issue, knowing full well that he is never wrong.  I have never seen him get angry like that, with our daughter.  Now I fear that she thought she was standing up to him when she actually should have been making arrangements to come home.

Your kids deserve a healthy, happy dad.  Kids are pretty resilient and they are watching us all the time for clues to solve problems. Let them see you at your best.

[Pinnacle]

Great start ABC. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Puddin