FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

[BPDFamily]

Frequently Asked Questions
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• What is Borderline Personality Disorder
~ Clinical Overview? (Article/Video)
~ The Symptoms and Diagnosis (Article/Video)
~ How can I tell? (Workshop Discussion)
~ BPD Behaviors: Poor executive control (Workshop Discussion)
~ High functioning / low functioning - what does this mean? (Article)
~ PTSD vs BPD? (Workshop Discussion)

• What are the Dos and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship  (Workshop Discussion)

* TOOLS: For those who wish to stay and are willing to make changes
~ Take the First Step Toward Improving Your Relationship (Article/Video)
~ SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN - Communication tools (Workshop Discussion)
~ Supporting a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder (Article/)
~ How to validate (Workshop Discussion)
~ How you invalidate your loved one (Workshop Discussion)
~ Arguing - don't engage (Workshop Discussion)
~ How to take a time out (Workshop Discussion)
~ How to communicate with your loved one (Workshop Discussion)
~ Reinforcing good behavior, positive reinforcement (Workshop Discussion)
~ Intermittent reinforcement and the extinction burst cycle -(Workshop Discussion)
~ Believing in yourself (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: Boundaries  
~ Planning for Boundaries(Workshop Discussion)
~ Why? How do you set them? (Workshop Discussion)
~ Establishing boundaries and sticking with them (Board Discussion Paper)
~ How to handle jealousy (Workshop Discussion)
~ Includes "putting yourself first doesn't mean abusing your family"
~ Includes "how do you care for yourself without sacrificing the relationship"

• BPD What's in the head of someone with BPD?(Workshop Discussion)
~ Mirroring (Workshop Discussion)
~ Splitting (Workshop Discussion)
~ Object Consistency (Workshop Discussion)
~ Projection (Workshop Discussion)
~ Disassociation and Dysphoria (Workshop Discussion)
~ Re-engaging (Workshop Discussion)
~ Fear of Intimacy (Workshop Discussion)
~ BPD Behaviors: Objectifying the Non-partner (Workshop Discussion)

• BPD: Waif, Hermit, Queen, Witch Mother (Workshop Discussion)

• US: Not my parents keeper
~ Our Dysfunctional Relationships with Others (Workshop Discussion)
~ Respecting our anger  (Workshop Discussion)
~ How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Effects Her Children  (Article)
~ How a dysfunctional childhood affects our development  (Workshop Discussion)
~ How do we know if we love our BPD parents?  (Workshop Discussion)
~ Includes healing the adult child of pd parenting
~ Includes what kids need who have a mentally ill parent

• BPD: Common Abusive Behaviors
~ What are the different forms of abuse? (Workshop Discussion)
~ Silent Treatment (Workshop Discussion)
~ Gaslighting (Workshop Discussion)
~ Smear Campaigns - What they are, how to handle them.

• TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts (Workshop Discussion)

• US: What it means to be in the “FOG”  (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: No Contact - What does it mean?  Dos & Don'ts (Workshop Discussion)

• US: What is a Healthy Romantic Relationship? (Website Article)

• US: Why we were attracted to a BP? (Workshop Discussion)
~ Codependency and the BPD Attraction  (Article/)
~ NPD and the BPD Attraction
~ Why we stay in BP relationships? (romantic) (Workshop Discussion)
~ Relationship Red flags - what are they? (Workshop Discussion)

• US: The Dysfunctional Dance  "Being a Victim of our own hands"(Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS:
~ Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (Article/Video)
~ How do you leave a BPD relationship?   (Board Discussion Paper)
~ How do you leave a BPD relationship?  (Article/Video)
~ What are the Stages of Recovery? (Board Discussion Paper)
~ Includes aftermath of a broken romantic relationship

• SUCCESS STORIES: How I gained control of my life  (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: Treatment of Depression / PTSD
~ Depression: What is it - Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts  (Article/Video)
~ CBT - What is it and How it Works
~ CBT – Online Program  (Article/Video)
~ EMDR - What is it and How it Works (Workshop Discussion)

• US: Did she ever love me?  Does she miss me now?(Workshop Discussion)

• US: Can you hold the mentally ill responsible for what they do? (Workshop Discussion)

• US: Domestic abuse: Poll and discussion on domestic abuse (Workshop Discussion)

• US: Is the sex really better in a BP relationship?
~ Includes toxic sexual addiction  (Article/Video)

• US: The Stages of Grief (Kubler Ross)

• US: Suicidal Feelings - What should I do? (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: Why and Why not enter Marital therapy

• US: Domestic Violence
~ Against Women (Workshop Discussion)
~ Against Men (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: When are children of a BPD parent at risk? How to tell? What can you do? (Workshop Discussion)

• BPD: How a borderline "parents" / how you can help the child? (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: What do I need to know about Family Court?   (Board Discussion Paper)

• TOOLS: Shared Parenting
~ Things to cover in a parenting plan (Workshop Discussion)
~ Shared Parenting (Workshop Discussion)
~ From spouse to divorcee & shared parenting (Workshop Discussion)
~ The complex issue of alienated children   (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder
~ Overview (Article/Video)
~ Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment (Article/Video)
~ Mentalization-Based Treatment  (MBT) - What is it and How it Works
~ Transference-Focused Psychotherapy (TFP) - What is it and How it Works
~ Schema-Based Therapy (SBT) - What is it and How it Works
~ BPD: What Medications are usually used for bpd what their side effects?   (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy(DBT)
~ Radical Acceptance (Workshop Discussion)
~ Mindfulness (Workshop Discussion)
~ Radical Acceptance for nons -   (Workshop Discussion)

• US: Coaching others - do you find it frustrating sometimes? (Workshop Discussion)

• US: Forgiveness (Workshop Discussion)

[Skip]

The 'workshops" are a new venue for assembling the collective wisdom of the senior members.  35,000 members have passed through these halls and many are yet to come - each with different and valuable perspectives on the healing process.  

If you would like to participate (senior members) or suggest a Workshop Topic (anyone), please post your title/description or question in this thread.

This board has a minimum post count requirement and all discussions should be subject related (e.g., no discussions about our loved ones).

It will be interesting to see how this develops.

Thanks all!

Skippy

[JoannaK]

O.K., here is my poorly formatted list, just for pondering purposes.

As some of these topics cross with those above, I will come back and modify.

• What are fleas?
• But she's a good mother!
• How do I get her into therapy?
• Can a non re-engagement also?
• What is the Dysfunctional Dance?
• He/she's threatening self-harm.
• How nons enable their bpd partners.
• What it means to have a bpd partner (a patient vs. a partner), etc.
• What No Contact means, why you might not want to go to No Contact.
• Cognitive issues of bpd...  warped perceptions, problems with memory, etc.
• Dissasociation and dysphoria
• Physical ailments/hypochondria
• The "rescuing" "fixing" "Knight on the White Horse" phenomenon.
• Insanity vs. mental illness vs. personality disorder...  Is he/she insane?
• Narcissism...  Both comorbidity with bpd and in many nons
• Alcoholism..  Comorbidity with bpd, physical effects of alcoholism that complicate the issue
• The "drug/drinking" analogy...  a bpdso and the heroin or the booze effect

[JoannaK]

What if he/she had cancer?  (I would stay with him/her in that case.) 

[NewLifeforHGG]

Practicing Detachment

I think this is a topic relevant to all of the boards. We would discuss what it means to detach and the benefits of doing it. Maybe people could use examples from their lives but it isn't about their personal stories it is about the benefit of detaching.

[meryl]

I know you alluded to it already but the word Codependency...gotta be in there!

[meryl]

oh, amen- excellent first thread!

I have noticed some violent reactions to pd behaviors, especially where coparenting occurs.

I think tools, techniques, or ideas for accomplishing this would be great!

[bewildered2]

I've thought that it would be nice to access some info, or a guide, to the process of dealing with the aftermath of a broken romantic relationship with a bpd.

It can be a devastating experience, in the severity of the pain and the longevity of that pain.

It might be a good idea to help people thru that pain by educating them about the process.

I believe that Lynn Melville is doing some work in this area. Is there anything we have currently available?

b2 

[meryl]

You know, I am so past the enamored stage with my pd- more like shock and awe that I ever engaged. Anywho, my point being that my focus now is almost exclusively on me- the non.

That 'White Knight' syndrome for the men; for women maybe it's that smothering, nurturing, enabling, rescuing, CONTROLLING behavior [typical codependency stuff]- and that to me is such a worthwhile focus for nons: their contribution to the dysfunctional dance.

The question being: how come I got involved with a pd whereas others would have walked away?

Maybe redundant, maybe less useful when you're still trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with your partner. But for those who linger at this site [like I did for soooo  many years- and immobilized at that!] I'd like to push those folks hard to take a look.

Not sure what would've helped me overcome my terror at moving on- but I see so many *lather, rinse, repeat* that I consider it a worthwhile challenge to see if we can come up with tools for focusing on non's "stuckness".

My .02 for the day...

[NewLifeforHGG]

I agree with both topics above.

I am now at the 'now what do I do with myself' stage.
It is a very different place.

Maybe a rebuilding your life workshop. Focusing on the non helping the non deal with the aftermath once they have decided to move on for good. This may help retain some of the old timers who feel that they have moved on and the board no longer serves them.
A life after the relationship type of thing.

[Oy-vey!]

This is a great topic and one I've thought about at length - along the lines of "I'm out, so NOW WHAT?"

What does Healthy Living look like?
How does someone care for one's self without sacrificing relationships?
Just because you put yourself first doesn't mean you are abusing your family & friends.

Soooooo.  How does this work Skip to actually start a workshop?

[elphaba]

HEAL THYSELF

would be my choice for topics, seperate from all the bpd, why me, etc...stuff, just healing...all of us could spend forever talking about how we were wronged, why, etc...

[TonyC]

topics

i would like to see  diagnosed and undiagnosed...sections...

and maybe "i dont know what i want" as many dont...
a place to learn.. with others that are not up to the choice and dont want to be labeled...
                           

[LAPDR]

Pat,

I like the idea on the Stages of Grief, I see a lot of people here (especially men) who have a very difficult time getting out from under the shadow of their relationship and even for the ones that appear to be in sucessful NC. There appears to be an extension of the acceptance stage for many that continues on for a long time.

LA

[blondie]

Another subject that might be good is the decision to have a baby to help the troubled or failing marriage with a BPD.

The expected elevation of BPD actions while pregnant, post partum problems, then the poor parenting as the child forms lifetime patterns and finally matures.

Thanks, lapd. The stages include a lot of backsliding and getting stuck in one area. I think we need to bring that out.

[Silas Pseudonym]

Hi

I'm not sure I can get enough oxygen up here, such a rarefied atmosphere & all!  Thank you for including me!

Long run, I will be in better shape for this, though right now I am ...so touchy & damaged dealing with the impact of my divorce & settlement & breathing all the dust I stirred up...and I have to do it all without cussing or even digressing! hahahh!

Just lately I wrote a couple of posts & chickened out on posting them.  So first, for us ... maybe to run something touchy, or not so "PC", by y'all might be a good thing.  We should consider keeping it separate for editing purposes before the initial post.  Or did you say that?

For example, what I had to say, that I dropped, involved issues we should cover...

My thoughts started with the Ava Maria/SO get well card...& it not being the right place to criticize or fix her...true.  Then we heard from...Momof3, & that was not as clear cut by any stretch...She was talking about DV & basically said...look I did it & it turned out wonderful...It was very easy to read it that way. 

And though she qualified it otherwise, it really was not enough to counteract any potential damage...so a gentle disclaimer/reminder was surely called for.  It was a newbie who spoke up & I had already thought...sheesh...someone could get the WRONG message here.  When Momof3 didn't like the comment, she not only said so, she used some incredibly vulgar insults to get her point across...in the initial protest post...not 2nd or 3rd, the very first response!  TelaCUMdiva!

So the issue of asking someone to leave a thread was brought up & well covered.  That is not the point (see I do get distracted by the process & can't focus on the particulars...that darn PTSD!). 

There are certain subjects we are obligated to be very careful with.  People coming here in serious pain, depression & vulnerable to suggestion...this is a good time to define some of them...DV as mentioned by Momof3.  She was really making it sound like it could pay off, when the reality was, she was lucky the man involved was not more like HER!  She proved her abusiveness with her comments to Diva!

My thought is there should be serious discussion of

Suicide...& threats of...

DV...I know I had more in mind...

the escape plan...

battered men

...false accusations...

PTSD & Stockholm Syndrom

Therapy, & not getting what you ask for from the T...

& my horse trainer always wants to end with a positive...

SEX

It also seems & I don't know where to take this...though women are supposed to be 75% of BPDs, there are far more women posting on a regular basis.  We need to level that out so us domineering btchy types don't overwhelm...where's PDQ when ya need him?

Turtle & Cyndi, you said you don't feel comfortable on the FOO boards, not that I do..  I post to some when the subject catches my eye.  Some of my best insights were brought about in those discussions.  One difference between us (Turtle) though, I raised children, & feel I can speak for them to a lesser extent...

My best moments this year, have been when people spoke up & directly thanked me for changing the way the saw things.  For a little while, it happened every few days, & it seemed to be all that kept me going.  I am glad you are here & speaking to these people has be a godsend in my evolution.  Thanks again, you are a great bunch!

Silas

[Cyndi]

Identifying different forms of abuse that are some times not as apparent and are sometimes misunderstood such as gaslighting.

I like the idea of life after the realtionship.  Especially for those who have been in the relationship for many years

[LAPDR]

I'm not sure what the stats really are but one theme I see is BP partner has lots of affairs or has none at all. Having one that does jump from affair to affair appears to make the pain feel so much deeper and wonder if this would benifit members in dealing with a SO that repeats this behavior.

LA

[Mollyd]

I agree a full discussion of codependency is needed - maybe multiple facets of this issue

Also, I'd like to have the Waif, Hermit, Queen, Witch explainations - with the corresponding Hunter, King etc. partners.

"recovery" - what it looks like, vs. intermittent reinforcement

thorough discussion of dbt - what is it and why it is viewed to be an effective tool in recovery efforts

differences between npd, apd, bpd - beyond the clinical criteria - what it looks like in real life

bpd and addiction - what if there is both?  what is addiction and how it is different/similar to pd issues

what kids need who have a mentally ill parent

healing the adult child of pd parenting  (too clinical?)

therapy, therapy, therapy, what is it?  why and why not do Marital therapy, what to expect, and how to know if it's the right "fit"

[Joshua]

LC, NC- which is right for YOU?"-type workshop would be a good idea. It seems like the battle cry of a lot of posters is "NO CONTACT EVER!", while disregarding specific relationship dynamics. I would never establish contact with either of my abusive exes, but that's a pretty personal decision. NC just isn't the be-all and end-all. It could be darn well close to that, but it isn't.

[NewLifeforHGG]

The only danger in discussing the NC/LC is the fact that some people on the board struggle so much with boundaries that they could read LC and not get what should happen before you can make that decision. I think it depends on the relationship and how abusive the relationship was for the non. I am a big fan of NC personally but who knows maybe some people can be LC with a former SO. I have no interest in any of my exes(not my style) but when it comes to familial relationships I find LC works for me.
So perhaps if such a workshop were started it should begin with why a person still wants to have their ex in their life in any form. I think this is the question that should be discussed so that we can discuss the pros and cons of NC versus LC.

[TonyC]

i feel the same unless the realationship is really toxic., physical abuse, mental abuse...you know extremes yea those cases are n/c...

but for me to rec n/c

i need to be convinced of the story...
                  convinced of thereapy or denial of
                  i need to be convinced...
                 
we are only dealing with stories and i for one... really hate it when , i spend 3 or 4 posts expecially with  newbie trying to get a read on them..get them to open up and then
and the next person post 6 sayd get the hell out.. run.. dont look back and smash your cellphone..the guy is a son of a butt...

time and patience before any recommendations...so case by case...

tony

[istayed]

I think it'd be helpful to highlight the importance of working on oneself--through therapy, reading, group therapy directed at codependency, CBT, DBT, whatever--as long as the non does something. So many new posters start off with "Oh thank God, I'm not the sick one!"

When you find this place, it's easy to lap up the sugar water of support and finding out that you're not alone.

But for recovery to happen, the non has to change. The first step is to recognize that their partner with bpd wasn't dancing alone.

spam/planb

[Cyndi]

I would love to see a workshop concentrating on life after leaving the relationship.

Some real advice and coping skills for dealing with the unexpected emotions many of us feel.
I've noticed that many people who were real pumped at the time of leaving and a few weeks later, are very suprised when they have feelings of remorse, depression and profound sadness, all over again.  Many see this a sign they are still in love, and maybe they have made a mistake.

Maybe a workshop on what to expect AFTER leaving?

And wouldn't it be great if there were a thread were old members could come back and tell of their success stories.  I remember first coming here and seeing one such posting, and I must tell you, it helped me more than anything else at the moment.  I don't know how that would be possible, but if it could be done, I think it would be great.

Just some thoughts..

[istayed]

And wouldn't it be great if there were a thread were old members could come back and tell of their success stories. 

I like this idea, too. A Making Things Work workshop. There arent many, but there are a few. It'd be interesting to analyze them and see exactly what happens that permits these folks to stay together, i.e., willingness to separate if the spouse with bpd doesn't get help, actual separation, terms (boundaries) put in place to stay together. Not to mention the ongoing willingness to take steps forward and backward for the rest of their lives.

Like Cyndi, I found comfort in reading these events when I was new here. I was committed and had every expectation that I'd remain so. Only after a long time did I see that my spouse did not have the insight and ability to change that those "successful" spouses with bpd had.

PB

[LAPDR]

Cindi - I agree with you fully. Recently I have seen some new members here recently that are in the leaving phase and have just read SWOE and read a lot of posts and are on the horse leading the charge and thinking that next month they will be out of it and life will be OK. Probably a good attitude on the leaving but how do you tell somebody about the after effects when they can't see it? Kind of like smoking, they know it's not good for you but they keep smoking? Maybe there are people that do escape smooth and clean but have to think they are few out there. Has to be some common primary feeling we all feel and can draw a roadmap with them.

LA

[kklblue]

Establishing boundaries and sticking with them.  What is your bottom line.  Following through with the consequences of boundaries crossed.

I still have crappy boundaries and have been out and in no contact for 4 years.

k

[eastmeetswest]

Hi all.  I don't know where I am in the time frame and you all have probably thought of this already but just in case...

Red flags - what are they?  How to spot them.  What to do about them?  How to spot them next time.

MC v. indiv T...we've discussed this so much but I am not sure of the logistics for this topic.

Thanks,

emw

[Skip]

This has been a good discussion.  Here is a first pass on the topics list based on everyone's input.   

• BPD: How can I tell?
~ Includes high functioning / low functioning - what does this mean?

• BPD: Waif, Hermit, Queen, Witch 
~ Includes Hunter, King explanations

• BPD:  NPD, APD, BPD - beyond the clinical criteria
~ Insanity vs. Mental illness vs. Personality disorder...
~ Narcissism...  Both comorbidity with bpd and in many nons

• BPD: Did she ever love me?  Does she miss me now?

• BPD: Common Behaviors
~ Splitting - What is it; how to handle it.
~ Re-engaging -What it is, how to handle it.
~ Disassociation and Dysphoria
~ Cognitive issues of bpdwarped perceptions, problems with memory, etc.
~ Saving one that does jump from affair to affair appears to make the pain feel
~ BPD and Addiction - what if there is both?  what is addiction and how it is different/similar to pd issues

• BPD: Sympathy and Manipulations
~ Includes physical ailments/hypochondria
~ Includes threatening suicide
~ Includes threatening self-harm.

• BPD: Different forms of abuse

• BPD: Relationship Red flags - what are they?

• TOOLS: Boundaries  Why? How do you set them?
~ Includes establishing boundaries and sticking with them
~ Includes "put yourself first doesn't mean you are abusing your family & friends"
~ Includes "how does someone care for one's self without sacrificing relationships"

• TOOLS: No Contact - What does it mean?  Dos & Don'ts.
~ Includes why you might not want to go to No Contact
~ Includes practicing detachment.

• TOOLS: How do I get her into therapy?

• TOOLS: DBT - What is it and How it Works

• TOOLS: Why and Why not do Marital therapy

• US: Is the sex really better in a BP relationship?
~ Includes toxic sexual addiction

• US: Suicidal Feelings - What should I do?

• US: The Stages of Grief

• US: What is the Dysfunctional Dance?
~ Includes "Knight on the White Horse" phenomenon.
~ Includes "How nons enable their bpd partners"
~ Includes "What are fleas?"
~ Includes "Can a non re-engagement?"

• US: What is a Healthy Relationship?
~ Includes recovery" - what it looks like, vs. intermittent reinforcement

• US: What are the Stages  of Recovery?
~ Includes aftermath of a broken romantic

• US: Codependency. and the BPD Attraction
~ Includes 'White Knight' syndrome by men
~ Includes that smothering, nurturing, enabling, rescuing by women

• US: NPD. and the BPD Attraction
~ Includes 'White Knight' syndrome by men
~ Includes that smothering, nurturing, enabling, rescuing by women

• US: Not my parents keeper
~ Includes healing the adult child of pd parenting
~ Includes what kids need who have a mentally ill parent

• US: What it means to have a stay with bpd partner

[LAPDR]

Wow, looks aggressive and maybe an overwhelming task. Any help that we can provide?

Curious, what is the difference between Stages of Grief and Stages of Recovery for US. Recovery including the understanding of it all?

LA

[Mr. M]

I didn't read the entire thread, so apologies if this is a repeat:

Documenting:  What to document and how to keep it organized.

[JoannaK]

Great topics, all, and a great summary, Skippy!

Two that have just popped up (due to reading on the Behaviors board):

Behavior:  Intermittent reinforcement

Behavior:  Silent treatment/silent raging

Tools:  Dealing with silent treatment/silent raging (not sure where this one should go)

[bewildered2]

Skip,

Great list and a great job.

Got another theme:

"Can you hold them responsible for what they do if they are mentally ill?"

b2

[JoannaK]

Behavior:  He/she wants to be "friends".

Behaviors:  How bpd's mother...   (The problems with "staying for the kids".)

[bewildered2]

Behavior:  He/she wants to be "friends".

Behaviors:  How bpd's mother...   (The problems with "staying for the kids".)

very good topics, especially "how bpds mother...".

b2


 

[Moving On]

I'll second Mr. M's documentation how-to.

I should have started long ago, everyone said I should have, I just didn't commit myself to doing it.

I went to file for D, and now I find out that I should wait a couple of months while I document everything.   Interaction with the kids, particularly.  I was all ready to begin the process, and because of my laziness, I'm stuck for a while longer.

[blondie]

Diagnosing depression
 
Depression is a serious medical illness that comes in many forms with a variety of symptoms. If you have any of the following symptoms for a prolonged period, it may be time to seek help.
 
Persistent sad or anxious mood

Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism

Feelings of guilt or worthlessness

Loss of interest in hobbies or activities

Fatigue or decreased energy

Difficulty concentrating or making decisions

Insomnia or oversleeping

Changes in appetite or weight

Thoughts of death or suicide

Restlessness or irritability

Headaches or chronic pain
 
 

I found this today and it is such a concise list of possible symptioms I believe it might have merit in a topic.

Pat

[LavaMeetsSea]

I'd like a thread on dealing with what someone called "The Mommy Mystique", and the social fall-outs of mentally ill parenting.  Also something on learning to be healthy for those of us that never grew up with it.  There's something about growing up without a baseline that seems unique, and might be validating.  Discussions on whether to discuss mental illness with outside observers, and ways of doing that constructively.  What to expect from good therapy, and what might be indicative of bad or damaging therapy.  That kinda thing.

I love the board, by the way.  I think you do a terrific job.  Thank you!

[ZenLady]

i'm interested in topics related to healthy parenting issues for a bpd child or step...setting appropriate boundaries with adult bpd children and related issues...don't know if it fits into your workshop stuff or not, but that's what i'm looking at...

[jomamma]

What about how to handle when your spouse or kids bring friends around that appear to have one of these problems?  How do you react to the situation, how do you teach your kids how to react/

I'm trying to get my mind around a lot right now and part of the problem I'm having is that these issues can be part of a bigger problem or just a bad day.  I realize there is to be a pattern but if a person was raised in a broken home or on the street, you don't want to automatically think they have problems (at least i don't think you do and maybe that is my problem).

If the person just does not know the "correct" way to react, it may be mistaken as a bigger problem.  Or it may be the problem.  Do you cut them off, how much do you put up with, etc.

[tee42people]

How to recognise the effects of having a BPD Parent in our kids?

What are the behaviors/signs to look for?


I have an 8 & 10 yr old but concern as to what efect their mothers condition is having on them,and am I not looking for te right things!


Tee

[LAPDR]

Tee, excellent question. My kids are twenty years older and still wonder what to look for and what the after effects were.

LA

[ELF]

Moving through the grief process.

http://www.helphorizons.com/care/search_details.htm?id=465

[dunlopmbet]

I would love to see something about forgiveness.  How it can help nons move through the healing process.  I have looked on the web and have seen some stuff, but so much of what people here go through really feels unforgivable and I need to know how to begin the process of forgiving the unforgivable.  Not for our bpd so's, but for ourselves.

Thank you...

[ELF]

How about possible links between epilepsy (or other seizure disorders) and bpd?

[NewLifeforHGG]

I like the Can you be friends idea by Joanna.

[Powder]

After the "BPD is told it is BPD" and their reaction.  How do you handle them not being able to deal with it and they refuse counseling and they act out even more. 

[Oy-vey!]

I'm interested in the "How to" of writing communication and having conversations that are non-engaging.  I used to write and re-write and edit the e-mails my non-SO wrote to his bpdxW.  He could NOT figure out how to disengage in that segment of communicating the facts and only the facts.  I'm good at it since I had objectivity (a little).

[tryintogetby]

Hey guys,

I keep hearing about the "stages of a non," after discovering BPD, but I haven't heard exactly what they are yet.  I know I'm IN one: the "I-See-BPD-Everywhere" stage!  : 

What are the other stages?  What are some of the things we can expect while going through these different stages? 

Thanks so much for all you do!

Sincerely,
Taylor

[HappyDad]

Frequently Asked Questions / Available Workshop Topics:
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• BPD: How can I tell? (Go To Workshop)
~ Includes high functioning / low functioning - what does this mean?

• BPD: What is the difference between PTSD vs BPD? (Go To Workshop)

• US: What it means to stay with bpd partner (Go To Workshop)

• BPD: Waif, Hermit, Queen, Witch (Go To Workshop)
~ Includes Hunter, King explanations

• BPD:  NPD, APD, BPD - beyond the clinical criteria
~ Insanity vs. Mental illness vs. Personality disorder
~ Comorbidity

• BPD: BPD BEHAVIORS: What's in the head of someone with BPD?(Go To Workshop)
• BPD: Did she ever love me?  Does she miss me now?

• BPD: Common Behaviors
~ Splitting (Go To Workshop)
~ Disassociation and Dysphoria (Go To Workshop)
~ Re-engaging (Go To Workshop)
~ Smear Campaigns -What they are, how to handle them.
~ Cognitive issues, warped perceptions, problems with memory
~ Gaslighting (Go To Workshop)
~ BPD and addiction

• BPD: Sympathy and Manipulations
~ Includes physical ailments/hypochondria
~ Includes threatening suicide
~ Includes threatening self-harm.

• BPD: Different forms of abuse (Go To Workshop)

• BPD: How a borderline "parents" / how you can help the child? (Go To Workshop)

• BPD: Can you hold the mentally ill responsible for what they do? (Go To Workshop)

• BPD: Relationship Red flags - what are they?

• TOOLS: Boundaries  Why? How do you set them? (Go To Workshop)
~ Includes establishing boundaries and sticking with them
~ Includes "putting yourself first doesn't mean abusing your family"
~ Includes "how do you care for yourself without sacrificing the relationship"

• TOOLS: No Contact - What does it mean?  Dos & Don'ts.(Go To Workshop)
~ Includes why you might not want to go to No Contact
~ Includes practicing detachment.

• TOOLS: SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN - Communication tools (Go To Workshop)

• TOOLS: How do I get her into therapy?

• TOOLS: DBT - Radical Acceptance Go To Workshop
• TOOLS: DBT – Mindfulness (Go To Workshop)

• TOOLS: CBT - What is it and How it Works

• TOOLS: EMDR - What is it and How it Works (Go To Workshop)

• TOOLS: Why and Why not do Marital therapy

• US: Why Nons are attracted to a BPD (Go To Workshop)

• US: Is the sex really better in a BP relationship?
~ Includes toxic sexual addiction

• US: Suicidal Feelings - What should I do? (Go To Workshop)

• US: The Stages of Grief

• US: What is the Dysfunctional Dance?
~ Includes the "Knight on the White Horse"
~ Includes "How nons enable their bpd partners"
~ Includes "What are fleas?"
~ Includes "Being a Victim of our own hands"(Go To Workshop)
~ Includes "Can a non re-engagement?"


• US: What is a Healthy Relationship?

• US: What are the Stages  of Recovery?
~ Includes aftermath of a broken romantic

• US: Codependency. and the BPD Attraction
~ Includes 'White Knight' syndrome 

• US: NPD and the BPD Attraction
~ Includes 'White Knight' syndrome by men
~ Includes that smothering, nurturing, enabling, rescuing by women

• US: Not my parents keeper
~ Includes healing the adult child of pd parenting
~ Includes what kids need who have a mentally ill parent

• US: Forgiveness (Go To Workshop)

Some of these topics do not have links on them. Where is the information located that provides further info on say, what is a healthy relationship, is that in the articles?

[Skip]

Those without links have not been completed yet.    This is a community project. We're still working on this as a community.

We have a feature on our website regarding healthy relationship that you may want to check out.
http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles15.htm

Skippy

[JoannaK]

Workshops are recycled every 60-90 days if there haven't been any new responses before then.