TOOLS: Responding to domestic violence [women]

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Some simple questions are hard to answer.  I was thinking yesterday that I'm not sure I know what domestic violence is.  It's come up recently from a few members and I thought it might be helpful to talk about what it is and what it isn't in a general sense... and what to do.

This was published on one public service site:

MYTH: Domestic violence is a "loss of control."
FACT: Violent behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing their control.  Their actions are very deliberate.
     
MYTH: The victim is responsible for the violence because she provokes it.
FACT: No one asks to be abused. And no one deserves to be abused regardless of what they say or do.
     
MYTH: If the victim didn't like it, she would leave.
FACT: Victims do not like the abuse. They stay in the relationship for many reasons, including fear. Most do eventually leave.
     
MYTH: Batterers are violent in all their relationships
FACT: Batterers choose to be violent toward their partners in ways they would never consider treating other people.
     
MYTH: Alcohol/Drugs cause battering behavior.
FACT: Although many abusive partners also abuse alcohol and/or drugs, this is not the underlying cause of the battering.  Many batterers use alcohol/drugs as an excuse to explain their violence.[/size]


Survey Results

Here are the results of an informal poll of 43 members conducted on [L4] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner conducted last week.

26% 40% 21% 14% 58% 30% 7% 5% 58% 33% 2% 1%

I've been involved in domestic violence and there was injury.   I've been involved in domestic violence and there was no injury. I have not been involved in domestic violence. No Answer I've been involved in severe verbal abuse. I've been involved in verbal abuse. I have not been involved in verbal abuse. No Answer I've been involved in severe emotional abuse. I've been involved in emotional abuse. I have not been involved in emotional abuse. No Answer

If You are in an Abusive Situation and Need Help

Please read this now <click here>

Domestic Violence Hotline:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233) - National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA)   www.ndvh.org  

[NewLifeforHGG]

There are different types of abuse. Often victims may minimize the abuse or justify the abuse saying things like:
Well I have never been hit not realizing that there are many ways to be abused.
Here are examples of different types:

The different types of abuse are:

Physcial Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Financial Abuse
Social Abuse
Environmental Abuse
Ritual Abuse

Duluth Model


Enlarge


If you recognise these behaviours as part of your life, please get some help.   If you recognise them in someone you know, talk to them and help...many women (victims) out there are silently crying for help!
Please note: that in most cases I have referred to the victim as a woman and the abuser as a man for easier explanation.


PHYSICAL ABUSE
- any unwanted physcial attention
- kicking, punching, pushing, pulling, slapping, hitting, shaking
- cutting, burning
- pulling hair
- squeezing hand, twisting arm
- choking, smothering
- throwing victim, or throwing things at victim
- restraining, tying victim up
- forced feeding
- hitting victim with objects
- knifing, shooting
- threatening to kill or injure victim
- ignoring victim's illness or injury
- denying victim needs (eg. food, drink, bathroom, medication etc.)
- hiding necessary needs
- pressuring or tricking victim into something unwanted
- standing too close or using intimidation
- making or carrying out threats to hurt victim
-making her (victim) afraid by suing looks, gestures or actions
- smashing things
- abusing pets
- display of weapons as a means of intimidation


SEXUAL ABUSE
- any unwanted sexual contact
- forcing her to have sex, harrassing her for sex
- forcing her to have sex with animals
- uttering threats to obtain sex
- pinching, slapping, grabbing, poking her breasts or genitals
- forcing sex when sick, childbirth or operation
- forcing her to have sex with other men or women
- forcing her to watch or participate in group sex
- knowingly transmitting sexual disease
- treating her as a sex object
- being "rough"
- pressuring her to pose for pornogrpahic photos
- displaying pornography that makes her uncomfortable
- using sex as a basis for an argument
- using sex as a solution to an argument
- criticising her sexual ability
- unwanted fondling in public
- accusation of affairs
- threatening to have sex with someone else if she doesn't give sex
- degrading her body parts
- sexual jokes
- demanding sex for payment or trade
- insisting on checking her body for sexual contact


EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Also called "Psychological or Verbal Abuse"
- false accusations
- name calling and finding fault
- verbal threats
- playing "mind games"
- making victim think she/he is stupid, or crazy
- humiliating victim
- overpowering victim's emotions
- disbelieving victim
- bringing up past issues
- inappropriate expressionof jealousy
- degrading victim
- putting victim down, not defending her
- blame the victim for things
- turning the situation against the victim
- laughing in victim's face
- silence, ignoring victim
- refusing to do things with or for victim
- always getting own way
- neglecting victim
- pressuring victim
- expecting victim to conform to a role
- comparing victim to others
- suggested involvement with other women or men
- making victim feel guilty
- using certain mannerisms or behaviour as a means of control (eg. snapping fingers, pointing)
- threatening to get drunk or stoned unles...
- manipulation
- starting arguments
- withholding affection
- holding grudges and not really forgiving
- lying
- threatening to leave or commit suicide
- treating victim as a child
- having double standards for victim
- saying one thing and meaning another
- denying or taking away victim's responsibilities
- not keeping committments
- insisting on accompanying victim to the doctor's office
- deliberately creating a mess for victim to clean
- preventing victim from getting or taking a job
- threatening her with anything (words, objects)
- refusing to deal with issues
- minimising or disregarding victim's work or accomplishments
- demanding an account of victim's time/routine
- taking advantage of victim's fear of something
- making her do illegal things
DURING PREGNANCY AND CHILBIRTH
- forcing her to have an abortion
- denying that the child is his
- insulting her body
- refusing to support her during and after pregnancy
- refusing sex because her pregnant body is ugly
- demanding or pressuring her for sex after childbirth
- blaming her that the baby is the "wrong sex"
- refusing to allow her to breastfeed


FINANCIAL ABUSE
- taking victim's money
- withholding money
- not allowing victim money
- giving victim an allowance
- keeping family finances a secret
- spending money foolishly
- pressuring victim to take full responsibility for finances
-not paying fair share of bills
- not spending money of special occasions when able (birthdays etc)
spending on addictions, gambling, sexual services
- not letting victim have access to family income


SOCIAL ABUSE
- controlling what victim does, who victim sees, talks to, what victim reads and where victim goes
- put downs or ignores victim in public
- not allowing victim to see or access to family and friends
- change of personality when around others (abuser)
- being rude to victim's friends or family
- dictating victim's dress and behaviour
- choosing victim's friends
- choosing friends, activities or work rather being with victim
- making a "scene" in public
- making victim account for themselves
- censoring victim's mail
- treating victim like a servant
- not giving victim space or privacy
USING CHILDREN
- assaulting victim in front of the children
- making victim stay at home with the children
- teaching children to abuse victim through name calling, hitting etc
- embarrassing victim in front of the children
- not sharing responsibility for children
- threatening to abduct children, or telling victim they will never get custody
- puttin down victim's parenting ability
DURING SEPARATION/DIVORCE
- buying off children with expensive gifts
- not showing up on time for visitation or returning them on time
- pumping children for information on victim's partners etc
- telling children that victim is responsible for breaking up the family
- using children to transport messages
- denying victim access to the children
USING RELIGION
- using scripture to justify or dominance
- using church position to pressure for sex or favours
- using victim, then demanding forgiveness
- interpresting religion or scripture your way
- preventing victim from attending church
- mocking victim's belief's
- requiring sex acts or drugs for religious acts


ENVIRONMENTAL ABUSE
ABUSE IN THE HOME
- locking victim in or out
- throwing out or destroying victim's possessions
- harming pets
- slamming doors
- throwing objects
- taking phones and denying victim access to the phone
ABUSE IN THE VEHICLE
- deliberately driving too fast or recklessly to scare victim
- driving while intoxicated
- forcing victim out of the vehicle (when angry)
- pushing victim out of the vehicle when it is inmotion
- threatening to kill victim by driving toward an oncoming car
- chasing or hitting victim with a vehicle
- killing victim in a deliberate accident
- denying her use of the vehicle by tampering with engine, chaining steering wheel or taking the keys


RITUAL ABUSE
- mutilation
- animal mutilation
- forced cannibalism
- human sacrifices
- suggesting or promoting suicide
- forcing victim to participate in rituals or to witness rituals

[turtle]

Thank you for sharing this.  It's amazing that I can read something like this and, even after all this time, I'm still shocked.  Shocked that I ever let someone treat me this way.  The longer I'm away from it, the less impact it has and it's good to be reminded of the hell I endured and how subtle it all was in the beginning.  So many of the behaviors listed here started out so small.  Boy, they weren't small in the end! 

I think the hardest thing to realize about abusers is that they don't present all these things things full blown to us in the beginning.  If they did, we'd run like hell.  Instead, they chip away at our self esteem -- a little more each day until we feel we cannot think for ourselves, much less defend ourselves, or make the decisions we need to make to improve our lives.

I'm so glad you, and so many others of us, have gotten out.  When I read things like this, I think it speaks to OUR characters -- that we were finally able to speak up for ourselves (even though we we beaten down and destroyed) and we said -- NO MORE!  I'm proud of all of us.

And for those who are reading this that are still in abusive relationships, I hope those of us who have gotten out are an inspiration.  You CAN get out!

Turtle

[Silas Pseudonym]

Many people do not recognize themselves as abused.  Even when they do, cannot see the magnitude of the behavior or understand how they have been changed by it...while they are still in the relationship!  It is always worse once you get out!

One point that needs to be emphasized is the increased danger to the abused for leaving or planning to leave.  Most deaths occur within 18 months of a break-up.  There is a risk as long a 5 years after.

There is a post on MSN today about the increased use of technology against the abused. Spyware on computers can be difficult to detect.  Virus scanning will detect & eliminate it, BUT when the abuser has access to the computer, the virus software is VERY easy to disable.  Use a library or other anonymous computer for planning (including a different E mail address!).  One technique I never thought of until reading this today, was the use of GPS on the victim's car (yes aftermarket!).  It could be use to track her to a shelter, or across country!  

We do not think like them, so we must take care to protect ourselves with careful planning & execution of the escape.  Get help at this stage.  Stress interferes with clear thinking.

One last thing...some behaviors do not sink in as physical abuse, & no matter who says emotional abuse can be as bad, they are wrong.  Unless you do it yourself, it won't kill you.  People do die..everyday & it is often NOT planned, it all just spins out of control...The worst happens.

Physical abuse includes, punching walls & other types of direct physical intimidation.  Pushing, shoving & throwing objects (even when they miss!).  It does not have to be frequent to be effective in getting results.  Just the memory gets the abuser his way...threats work.

Those of you reading, who have not addressed this situation, please start to recognize this is not love & any person treating you this way is not loving you.  They only serve themselves!

Silas

[oceanheart]

Thank you for the info!

The barriers to leaving: Why Women Stay

My therapist uses the Power and Control Wheel as a visual aide and stresses that the behaviors continue and only get worse. It basically provides the same info NewLife has, just in a different format.

Also, The barriers to leaving: why [women] stay might be helpful:

Situational Factors

• Economic dependence. How can she support herself and the children?
• Fear of greater physical danger to herself and her children if they try to leave.
• Fear of being hunted down and suffering a worse beating than before.
• Survival. Fear that her partner will follow her and kill her if she leaves, often based on real threats by her partner.
• Fear of emotional damage to the children.
• Fear of losing custody of the children, often based on her partner's remarks.
• Lack of alternative housing; she has nowhere else to go.
• Lack of job skills; she might not be able to get a job.
• Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends.
• Social isolation resulting in lack of information about her alternatives.
• Lack of understanding from family, friends, police, ministers, etc.
• Negative responses from community, police, courts, social workers, etc.
• Fear of involvement in the court process; she may have had bad experiences before.
• Fear of the unknown. "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."
• Fear and ambivalence over making formidable life changes.
• "Acceptable violence". The violence escalates slowly over time. Living with constant abuse numbs the victim so that she is unable to recognize that she is involved in a set pattern of abuse.
• Ties to the community. The children would have to leave their school, she would have to leave all her friends and neighbors behind, etc. For some women it would be like being in the Witness Protection program--she could never have any contact with her old life.
• Ties to her home and belongings.
• Family pressure; because Mom always said, "I told you it wouldn't work out." or "You made your bed, now you sleep in it."
• Fear of her abuser doing something to get her (report her to welfare, call her workplace, etc.)
• Unable to use resources because of how they are provided (language problems, disability, homophobia, etc.)
• Time needed to plan and prepare to leave.

Emotional Factors

• Insecurity about being alone, on her own; she's afraid she can't cope with home and children by herself.
• Loyalty. "He's sick; if he had a broken leg or cancer--I would stay. This is no different."
• Pity. He's worse off than she is; she feels sorry for him.
• Wanting to help. "If I stay I can help him get better."
• Fear that he will commit suicide if she leaves (often he's told her this).
• Denial. "It's really not that bad. Other people have it worse."
• Love. Often, the abuser is quite loving and lovable when he is not being abusive.
• Love, especially during the "honeymoon" stage; she remembers what he used to be like.
• Guilt. She believes--and her partner and the other significant others are quick to agree--that their problems are her fault.
• Shame and humiliation in front of the community. "I don't want anyone else to know."
• Unfounded optimism that the abuser will change.
• Unfounded optimism that things will get better, despite all evidence to the contrary.
• Learned helplessness. Trying every possible method to change something in our environment, but with no success, so that we eventually expect to fail. Feeling helpless is a logical response to constant resistance to our efforts. This can be seen with prisoners of war, people taken hostage, people living in poverty who cannot get work, etc.
• False hope. "He's starting to do things I've been asking for." (counseling, anger management, things she sees as a chance of improvement.)
• Guilt. She believes that the violence is caused through some inadequacy of her own (she is often told this); feels as though she deserves it for failing.
• Responsibility. She feels as though she only needs to meet some set of vague expectations in order to earn the abuser's approval.
• Insecurity over her potential independence and lack of emotional support.
• Guilt about the failure of the marriage/relationship.
• Demolished self-esteem. "I thought I was too (fat, stupid, ugly, whatever he's been calling her) to leave."
• Lack of emotional support--she feels like she's doing this on her own, and it's just too much.
• Simple exhaustion. She's just too tired and worn out from the abuse to leave.

Personal Beliefs

• Parenting, needing a partner for the kids. "A crazy father is better than none at all."
• Religious and extended family pressure to keep the family together no matter what.
• Duty. "I swore to stay married till death do us part."
• Responsibility. It is up to her to work things out and save the relationship.
• Belief in the American dream of growing up and living happily ever after.
• Identity. Woman are raised to feel they need a partner--even an abusive one--in order to to be complete or accepted by society.
• Belief that marriage is forever.
• Belief that violence is the way all partners relate (often this woman has come from a violent childhood).
• Religious and cultural beliefs

.

[gary1958]

do these patterns repeat from relationship to relationship... or perhaps does one person bring out more of these traits in an abusive relationship then someone else..

[Silas Pseudonym]

Hi Gary,

There are patterns.  I doubt many change in the long run.  If a new partner were to call the abuser on certain behaviors, the abuser might use a different tactic.  It also evolves over time.  Very few partners of abusers see this behavior as bad as it will get, at the outset of a relationship.

There is an excellent book about the dynamics of these relationships.  "Why Does He Do That?",  by Lundy bancroft.  It does lean toward men on women, though same sex & female abusers follow similar patterns.  Women are less violent & use different methods (cheating...men find unacceptable even more than women) but if a woman is physically violent she may very likely be BPD.  A good percentage of the female prison population is Bpd.

SP

[JoannaK]

Police Domestic Violence Handbook for Victims:  http://www.dwetendorf.com/Book01.htm
Information for survivors of police domestic violence: http://www.abuseofpower.info
Resources for counselors and officers  http://www.dwetendorf.com/Resources01.htm

[JoannaK]

I know that there are people reading here, perhaps some are posting and others not, who are experiencing recent or ongoing physical violence.  

Our goal as a community is, if a member actively engaged in an argument (which has escalated to physical violence or threats... or appears to be heading in that direction), to encourage the member to leave the scene and contact a domestic violence hotline[/u] to chat (cool down), get information, or get assistance.  Local telephone counselors click here are best - they can do everything from just answering simple questions and being a friend, to suggesting places to go for immediate / low cost assistance, to dispatching emergency assistance in the event that it is needed.

If there is no dispute in process, our goal is to focus the member on developing a safety plan - this is the number one priority.

Safety planning should occur regardless if you are remaining in an abusive relationship, preparing to leave the relationship, already out of the relationship, or deciding to return to it, feeling threatened or not. It is relatively easy to do, and if you ever need it, you will be glad it was in place.

For men, in addition to safety planning, it is important to protect yourself against false domestic violence charges that can result in jail time and can be used against you in a future divorce or custody dispute. When arguments get heated, if you restrain your partner (even if she is kicking, throwing things) or if you push or hold her (even if she is blocking you from leaving the room or a the house), you are at risk of a domestic violence charge if the police are called - even if you call them. If it becomes "he said" "she said" the male is more at risk of being arrested. If you respond to stress by drinking, your risk goes up as it is harder to control your emotions, and the police will be less willing to listen to you.

Safety planning involves the following:

Reading information about local domestic violence resources and legal rights.
        
Developing detailed plans in case a dangerous situations occurs

Developing detailed plans for leaving the location early, before a fight escalates (men only)

Identification (notification) of safe friends and safe places

Keeping phone numbers of agencies, shelters or the safe friends available and at hand.

List of essential items to take should one need or decide to leave home

Supports (emotional and financial) in place

Plans for obtaining a restraining order

Plans for what to do if there is unexpected contact

DO NOT ENCOURAGE A MEMBER TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP OR THREATEN TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP WHEN THEY ARE EMOTIONALLY DISTRAUGHT

Often, leaving the relationship or threatening to leave the relationship escalates the abuse as the controller feels they are losing control.  Leaving the dispute is one thing, but leaving the relationship requires planning and we should encourage members to contact a domestic violence agency for professional assistance in doing this.  Also, many people come here and will leave the board if they are strongly urged to leave the relationship... because they are not emotionally ready to leave the relationship.

Is there anything else that we (as a board) can say or do to help people see these situations for what they are?

[telecommdiva]

I know that there are people reading here, perhaps some are posting and others not, who are experiencing recent or ongoing physical violence.  Some are men, some are women.  Is there anything that we (as a board) can say or do to help people see these situations for what they are and to get out?

For me understanding the cycle of domestic violence was my AHA moment. When it was "just" verbal and emotional abuse, I was conditioned to deal w/ that. I grew up w/ it, it was familiar. My friends who were married had arguments w/ their partners, family members fought, so this was behavior that was normal to me. When my ex first choked me, we separated, however I went back to the relationhip because he promised he would never do it again. I  thought the abuse would stop because he said it would. Then I lost my job and I became dependent on him financially. That's when the violence really kicked in high gear.  It didn't happen all the time, so I was able to deal w/ it...so I thought.

I was told about the DVC in my area and I started attending some of the drop in sessions. One of the best things I've ever done for me. The meetings were empowering and this is where I learned about the cycle. Being w/ women who were experiencing the some of the same things I was living w/ also helped a great deal. There was no shame, no judgement, no questions as to why do I stay. There was information, support and encouragement.

If there is one thing I would point people to, as I have done quite a bit on this board, is attend some group meetings at a DVC. Talk w/ a counselor, there isn't a fee for this.  The DVC can assist you w/ a Safety plan.  Don't think you can deal or handle this on your own. You can't.

Know that people who hit you don't love you, they control you.

Peace and Blessings.

[Jewls]

I know that there are people reading here, perhaps some are posting and others not, who are experiencing recent or ongoing physical violence.  Some are men, some are women.  Is there anything that we (as a board) can say or do to help people see these situations for what they are and to get out?

JK, I was emotionally, verbally, and physically (sporadically) abused by my father as a child.  Stink Weed started repeating this pattern after the first few weeks of dating (we were 16).  I was fully aware that I was being physically abused, but as elph pointed out, it was familiar and I learned to put up with it.  My thinking was (reinforced by Stinky, but somewhat ingrained in my psyche from childhood) that if I had behaved, not voiced my opinion, not reacted, I would'nt have been pushed, shoved, squeezed, etc. (how it was in the beginning with Stinky, although the abuse became more violent).  Many of the abused are programmed to think they deserve what they get.  I remember Stinky telling me he wasn't guilty of physical abuse, and still reminds me to this day that he isn't (the first time we went to MC I had accused him of abuse and he made sure I understood, after the session, that because he hadn't punched me in the face, he was not guilty of physical abuse!).

What keeps the abused where they're at?  FEAR.  Fear of what may happen if they try to leave the abuser.  If there are kids, you choose to stay for them (BIG mistake).  The abused self-esteem is usually extremely low and they are dependent on their abuser.  The only thing I think that motivates many is when the fear of staying outweighs the fear of leaving.  Until then, a person can nag at them until they're blue in the face, but nothing will change.  The abused truly believes it will get better.

One thing that could help people "get a clue," is to make them aware of verbal and emotional abuse (believe me, they know they're being physically abused).  Up until right before I left Stinky - this is after 19 years of marriage - was I aware of what verbal and emotional abuse was and meant, and I'm not a stupid person!  I had just assumed this treatment was normal, it was all I had known.  Again, I was programmed to believe that I deserved to be talked to and treated this way.  

One person at a time, JK.  It takes people like us, who have been through this hell, to get the word out, to reply to the posts of the newbies, the undecided, a friend or acquaintance involved in an abusive relationship, whoever.  Even then, we have to be careful and walk on eggshells with them.  If we come on too strong, they will run back to their safe place, a horrible place, but a place that doesn't seem as scary as the unknown, overwhelming scenario that we're proposing (I've been there, done that).  It takes baby steps.  Little hints of information.  Patience.  The abused doesn't need to feel judged.  (Think of a stray kitten, shaking, wanting to come in out of the cold, but can't because it's frightened...)

Hope this helps.

Jewls

[NewLifeforHGG]

One of the aspects that keeps the victim in the abusive relationship is shame.
How did I let this happen to me?
Will I be pitied?
Am I a statistic?
I must be dumb?
What will people think?
These kinds of things don't happen to people like us.

There has to be a shift when the victim begins to understand that they have nothing to be ashamed about. Once they do that then they can begin to ask for help. Speaking to someone who is familiar with domestic violence is important.
The counselor in my dv case opened my eyes to the different forms abuse takes. As she went down the checklist I cold not believe all of the things that fit my situation.
I could no longer fool myself about the severity of the abuse I was experiencing. It was not mainly physical but there was a lot of intimidation and verbal terrorization going on. Soon the victim becomes mentally exhausted and is usually battling depression pertaining to the abuse. It is important to get out of the situation by any means necessary. If you have to go to a shelter to get sorted for a few days then that is what you should do.
Eventually the victim becomes a survivor. That is if they managed to live through it all.

[elphaba]

I spent time in more than one abuse shelter, homeless shelter during my first marriage and really not sure where I even got the courage to go there.  I think my children gave me that...not by words or deeds, but, by their existance and me knowing that there was no way I wanted to pass along that legacy to them.

I have three daughters, I could never live with knowing that they might grow up believing that this kind of thing was ever OK...if that meant making them tough/independant/strong (sometimes to a fault)...than so be it...I don't know how long I might have stayed in that marriage if it wasn't for my girls...same went for the verbal abuse with DB, I stayed too long, I know that, but, once again it came down to knowing I could not let my girls think that this is what relationships are like, I couldn't let them watch their mother be a doormat for a very ill, very angry man.

ANY violence, physical or verbal needs to be taken seriously - those who abuse are capable of anything...we see it in the news every day...add any kind of mental illness into the mix and you have the perfect storm...you MUST get out of it's path.

Overcoming domestic violence, breaking that cycle of abuse is one of the most painful, hardest, but, empowering things that anyone can do for themselves and any children who may be in the picture...teaching ourselves & our children that we are deserving of better treatment, that love is gentle and kind, that we can overcome our upbringing, our circumstances...what more important lesson can there be?

[JoannaK]

Thanks, elphie, for updating this Workshop!

I just wanted to post a reminder that getting away from physical abuse does not necessarily mean a legal divorce or even the end of the relationship. It may mean physical separation for awhile, but the issue of whether or not to divorce or split up permanently can be dealt with later.  Perhaps the abuser will get help and stop abusing.  Perhaps he/she won't.  But, for those who are having problems with the "death do us part" aspect of marriage:  You can and should make a plan (as described above) NOW to get away or physically separate when the abuse starts at least for awhile  . If you are being physically abused, start to put that plan into effect.  It is important to conatct the DV hotline and explore your options NOW --for your sake, for your childrens' sake.  You can consider the legal/spiritual questions; the whole issue of whether or not to continue the relationship later.

[Bumpy Road]

I want to bump this thread (though that's not my job) as I have seen many newbies recently that are here expressing abuse but are fighting the urge to protect themselves.

If you are in a relationship with a BPD... YOU ARE BEING ABUSED...
I dont care if you are staying, leaving, or undecided...
You are hurting... they made you hurt...

you have a choice in that. you can protect yourself and your family.

Abuse takes many forms... each form is awful and combined the long term effects can be horrific...

i experienced almost every type/example of abuse show on the first page of this thread... i was drawn to it... i was scared to break away from it... i wanted to fix it, to fix her... i was willing to let her keep destroying me...

that was so misplaced, pitiful and basically crazy on my part... what was I thinking?
i wasn't thinking... i was reacting to her conditioning...

I came here in Round 2 with my ex. a fresh start (after a period of separation and some time to heal). She instantly went back into abuse mode on me... Instant... everything she had done in the first 9 months... she started with again within the first 5 days of round 2.

I then found this place and had to have the senior members here beat some sense into me. I was in T at the time, and that helped... but I had to listen to my peers... the people here... that's when and where it all started to click in.

she was raping me... in pretty much every take on the phrase... she was draining every ounce of my life... i was letting her... i had become addicted to her abuse... it took a while to overcome that.. and then I could start to heal myself.


please take care of you. please.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=zw1yytMbeBA


Not all people who are in relationships with someone with bpd are being abused.  But, due to the impact of bpd on a person's emotions and behaviors, many people with bpd are physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive.  But it isn't always so.

[JoannaK]

  I think that subtle abuse is the toughest one to pick up on.  Most people know that if someone hits you gives you a black eye, refuses to give you any money, calls you vicious names, etc. that is abuse.  But many people don't realize that subtle comments, for example, a father saying to his child, "You know that you can never count on Mommy" with a quiet teasing voice, may also be abusive.  Or a woman who disdainfully dismisses a gift lovingly purchased by her boyfriend with the implication that it wasn't good enough... that may also be abusive.  The mother who coldly criticizes her child over some minor mishap while heaping praise on her slovenly brother...   we may miss those things. 

Many of these subtle things are hard to pick up because they may not be abusive until/unless they are part of a pattern.

Most people find their way to this site, not because of bpd per se, but because they are being abused.  This is why relationships with someone with bpd or a similar personality disorder are so difficult:  Because those disorders lead the person with the personality disorder to abuse their partners, children, parents, even friends and coworkers.  Not all with bpd are abusive, but any relationship in which one person's behaviors consistently serve to degrade the other person and deinimish his/her self-esteem, through either subtle or overt ways, whether intentional or unintentional, is probably abusive.  

[elphaba]

Wow...I hadn't read this in a few months and yes, my posts and that poem still bring tears to my eyes everytime I read it, I can still feel the pain of being in that situation.

I've seen a number of newbies on the board recently who are in these situations and my heart absolutely breaks everytime I read a post where someone is dealing with any kind of physical or emotional abuse...especially those who think they cannot escape it...who apologize to their abuser for making them mad, who cower in fear waiting for the next incident, accepting the "I'm sorry, it won't happen again" and hoping beyond hope that this time it's true.

PLEASE - If you are reading my post, if you are dealing with ANY form of abuse, Abusers RARELY stop abusing, the abuse usually escallates...please know that you can get out, there is help out there, you can survive without this person in your life, you can have a life free of fear, free of pain and hurt...it is a struggle, but, a struggle that is so worth every moment because you CAN have your life back you can overcome it all and go on to find happiness and strength you never knew you had. 

I am living proof of that...a single Mom who survived an abusive childhood, marriage to a man who darn near killed me on several occasions, living in homeless shelters, DV Shelters...I now own my house, my kids are happy and healthy and strong, I have a good job and a life that I would have never dreamed of back then.

You can overcome this too...please...PLEASE...be safe, protect yourself and your children...don't let there be another generation of children who think that this is part of life...let them know a better world exists...know that YOU can give them and yourself that gift.

[elsi]

You can overcome this too...please...PLEASE...be safe, protect yourself and your children...don't let there be another generation of children who think that this is part of life...let them know a better world exists...know that YOU can give them and yourself that gift.

Thank you for posting this, Elphie.  This is the sentement that is keeping me going right now . . .even for my stepkids, that I probably cannot have with me when I find my new place, I am realizing I am better for them as a safe haven and an example of sanity than I am from within the relationship I was living. 

Also thank you for the reminders about what abuse is - it was so hard for me to admit to myself that this was what was going on.  It was "just" words, he didn't mean them, or it was "just" pushing or shaking, he hadn't punched me -yet - OK yeah it hurt, but there aren't bruises - or at least they don't show  . . . amazing the justifications I came up over the years. 

Being able to read, and learn, and finally LABEL what I was going through - to be able to say "this behavior is abusive" - was a powerful thing.  Saying "I am an abused wife" - wow.   Not the image I had of myself.  Hard to connect this to the confident career woman I thought I was.  It rocked me to the core - and forced me to change things.  I don't want this label to apply to me anymore.  It is what I am trying to shed now . . .with lots of help from here.

Another post of yours that helped me very much, that I can't find anymore - an earlier post of yours linked to a story called "The Bridge".  I have been thinking about it a lot, lately.  And it is helping me to learn to let go of those who refuse to help themselves, and hurt me in the process.   

Thanks for sharing your success stories and your inspiration. 

[Samuell]

I am grateful to a friend who had seen enough of what our family had gone through. She passed me a leaflet about domestic abuse and didn't discuss it - "I just picked this up and thought you might read it." I did read it, at first not thinking it applied to me. There was a checklist of behaviours and I could tick them all. If my friend had spelled it out - "you are being abused" I would have probably done nothing, maybe even joked about it later with my abusive wife. The awareness in my own head from reading that leaflet did so much. It was further reading about abusive women online which told me about BPD, and finally to this site.

I don't know why you can't tell a victim, can't just drag them out of it. So often they need to come to the realization themselves and find strength. Giving a listening ear, not judging the abuser and providing safety to the victim is probably all you can do.

Sam.

[foiles]

Anything threatening is domestic violence - hitting/throwing objects, shaking a fist at someone, threatening words.  Anything physical including anything that 'holds you down' or prevents you from going where you want to go.  Any hitting, kicking, slapping, hair pulling, arm twisting, etc., even if it doesn't leave marks or they didn't 'mean' to leave marks or 'mean' to really hurt you.  I even feel that angry rages are violent because when someone is out of control like that you are in fear because you don't know what they will do or how it will escalate.  I'm sure there are others here that will add to the list.  

It's so easy to become desensitized to their behavior and we constantly are rationalizing it.  I had a bruise over my eye once, but I brushed it away into the land of denial because he didn't 'mean' to leave a mark.  Huh?  What was I thinking?  Well, it escalated into further physical abuse which again, I put into denial as "If I hadn't..." or "I pushed him over the edge."   even though I know better.  

Foiles