Mortified and Sick to My Stomach

[Think About It....]

My bf is in a co-parenting situation with xBPD. She has been hording the child since he was born. My bf took her to court to force her to share their kid. She's been manipulating and lying to the mediator and is now on her second lawyer. This one is a mean, nasty pittbull who's only known her for two weeks. Her tactic with this one is to prove that my bf had anger management issues and ptsd, and essentially that he'd been abusive to her in the past. This is all a load of horse dung. We've been seeing each other consistently for 8 months and even at his worst I see nothing that would indicate anything she's claiming.

I am so scared for him. He's completely destraught over this. She's behaving as if she's taken him to court and not the other way around. How can a male defend himself in the U.S. court system from out right lies?

[Violet]

My bf is in a co-parenting situation with xBPD. She has been hording the child since he was born. My bf took her to court to force her to share their kid. She's been manipulating and lying to the mediator and is now on her second lawyer. This one is a mean, nasty pittbull who's only known her for two weeks. Her tactic with this one is to prove that my bf had anger management issues and ptsd, and essentially that he'd been abusive to her in the past. This is all a load of horse dung. We've been seeing each other consistently for 8 months and even at his worst I see nothing that would indicate anything she's claiming.

I am so scared for him. He's completely destraught over this. She's behaving as if she's taken him to court and not the other way around. How can a male defend himself in the U.S. court system from out right lies?

[happygirl]

Welcome, Violet to the coparenting section.

A couple of things, first, it is good that he has support.  Second, do a lot of reading here, it will help in the long run.  Third, consider some books, "Splitting" by William Eddy and also "High Conflict People in Legal Disputes" by Eddy.  Later, yo umay need to look at Divorce Poision by Warshack.

This is a long haul kind of thing.  A BPD will lie and lie and lie.  Tell your bf to hang in there and let the process work.

Here is a link that may explain some of what she is doing, it is called "persuasive blamers".
http://www.BPD411.org/persuasiveblamers.html

Good luck and keep posting.

HG

[Mr. M]

My bf is in a co-parenting situation with xBPD. She has been hording the child since he was born. My bf took her to court to force her to share their kid. She's been manipulating and lying to the mediator and is now on her second lawyer. This one is a mean, nasty pittbull who's only known her for two weeks. Her tactic with this one is to prove that my bf had anger management issues and ptsd, and essentially that he'd been abusive to her in the past. This is all a load of horse dung. We've been seeing each other consistently for 8 months and even at his worst I see nothing that would indicate anything she's claiming.

I am so scared for him. He's completely destraught over this. She's behaving as if she's taken him to court and not the other way around. How can a male defend himself in the U.S. court system from out right lies?

Neither you nor your boyfriend should get unhinged over her false allegations.  If she's got nothing to back it up, it won't hold up in court.  I endured accusations ranging from drug & alcohol abuse, to long-term ongoing physical abuse, to, of all things... homosexuality... all in a court of law.

While I didn't win custody of my children for other reasons, none of her accusations were believed simply due to her complete lack of evidence.  Not a shred.

As long as your bf has no arrest record for assault, no restraining orders against him, nothing that would portray him as the monster the BPD always seems to portray their target as... he will be okay.  Have a good attorney who is going to often and repeatedly assure the court that the allegations are without merit, groundless and completely unsupported.

And, if you're feeling brave... your 8-months without seeing any shred of the monster she's created could come in handy should you testify on his behalf down the road.  An abuser doesn't just change his spots, so your experience will be more credible than you might believe right now.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Love the man hate the BP]

Hi Violet...

I am currently in the middle of a thread related to this topic, but best that you don't read that one!  I'm kidding...we deal with false accusations all the time, and as Mr. M said, unless there is evidence, it's just crap oozing out of the mouths of sick people.  Horrific to have to deal with, especially in a court of law, but the plight of those of us here.

The allegations can run the gamut.  Most recent one (of many) in court last time was that my S.O. has a history (a HISTORY, mind you!) of dressing up in heels and a Marilyn Monroe wig and parading around in front of his son.  Where in God's name did THAT ever come from?  He couldn't possibly walk in size 11 heels!

Hang in there, and keep reading/posting.  You are a secondary non among friends.  LTM

[Violet]

I didn't realize there was already a post on this topic. I just got all this news today about the abuse acusations and I'm quite shaken by it. I can't stand watcing my bf get his brains beat in by this chaos demon.

Thanks everyone. This is all very helpful. It did cross my mind that I may have to testify at one point. My bf has no record of any kind. The irony of all of this is that half of the xBPD's family have been arrested for drug and alcohol, and physical abuse charges. What we've learned out of this portion of the nightmare is that he can't say anything to her that she won't manipulate into some horrible lie.

She actually had the nerve to say that any woman that was smart wouldn't put up with his abuse that she'd stand up to him. Good lord hearing that made me go into a seizure. She doesn't know I exist but I'd sure love to fill her head with what she doesn't know. I'm a feminist for god sake and an academic. All of this is coming from a woman who hasn't worked a day in her life and still lives with her mother!  

[Love the man hate the BP]

Violet, if I recall correctly, you have a mental health background and are very familiar with BPD, right?   Me, too.  I'm a psych nurse.  It doesn't insulate me or protect me from being sucked into the vortex of the BPD drama.  All the information in the world does nothing to make me immune to this craziness.

It's really strange, when you take a step back, to realize the power that they have to cause chaos in even the most balanced and centered among us!  It's truly uncanny.

I say this because it is so very important, as a secondary non, to keep some distance with all of it.  Again, please don't read my other post because this is clearly a "do as I say, not as I do" moment for me right now!  But I think others will concur here that remaining as detached from it as is humanly possible, while still being loving and supportive to your b/f, is the best goal to set for yourself. 

Zoom out, back up and take a breath and remember that this is HIS deal, HIS fight, and that you are okay, no matter what happens.  Now THAT was what I needed to say to me, as well as you!  Good luck, friend.

[happygirl]

The irony of all of this is that half of the xBPD's family have been arrested for drug and alcohol, and physical abuse charges. What we've learned out of this portion of the nightmare is that he can't say anything to her that she won't manipulate into some horrible lie.

The irony of all of this is that half of the xBPD's family have been arrested for drug and alcohol, and physical abuse charges. What we've learned out of this portion of the nightmare is that he can't say anything to her that she won't manipulate into some horrible lie.

Also remember that projection is alive and well and working overtime in the situations rife with smears and distortions.  In a strange way, it gives you insight into what is going on in the disordered life . . .

Unfortunately, there is a lot more where it came from so don't let it throw you.
Hang in there.

HG

[Mr. M]

She doesn't know I exist but I'd sure love to fill her head with what she doesn't know.

Trust me on this, not only would you gain no satisfaction from it - she wouldn't care and you would become an enemy/target, too.

ONE TIME... mmm (my SO who also posts here) did this.  Point blank questions about how none of the wildass stuff she accused has even remotely manifested itself in our relationship over the course of years... despite Psychex's "dire warnings" that she would "soon find out for herself and that she would be there for her when it did" - it didn't matter.  It was just another in a long line of people who didn't buy her bulldung and thus... became an enemy/target.

Stay "unknown" for as long as you can for it will only get worse when that day comes.

[happygirl]

She doesn't know I exist but I'd sure love to fill her head with what she doesn't know.

Yes, absolutely stay unknown.  I know that it was a struggle for me but we went semi-underground and it was the right thing to do.  She thought that we had broken up and we didn't disabuse her of the notion.

It will keep you distanced and safer.  Let the distortions be about him, mean as that sounds, it is wrenching when it becomes about you.  To that end, when you are discovered keep your other information as hidden as possible (ie place of work, information about you, etc.)  Don't ever let her know where you work or who you work for,hide that as long as possible.

HG

[Violet]

Besides the occasional fanstasy I have about getting right up in her face I am all set to stay hidden. Boy was I glad last night to be me sleeping in my own bed, in my own home away from that chaos.

[laurena82]

Her tactic with this one is to prove that my bf had anger management issues and ptsd, and essentially that he'd been abusive to her in the past.

I'm guessing that SHE has "anger management issues" and SHE has been abusive to your BF in the past...

AFter hearing my nonSO's stories of what living 20 years with UPBDxW was like, it amazes me to hear her "rages" at him periodically where she acuses him of EXACTLY what SHE does...and things I've NEVER know HIM to do...

yes..."projection"...


Along another line,...it can be a sick sick distressing situation to be involved with a non...the BPD issue permeates your relationship with non...if non can errect and maintain boundaries with exBPD...things might be tolerable...if he cant...it's h*ll to live with a "caving" non...


You said youve been with your SO about 8 months...when I was about at that point, a friend of mine told me that SO had "too much baggage",...I should move on...I didnt take the advice, but in retrospect, it was probably pretty good advice. 

He is a sweet heart, but the "issues" are not completely resolved at all...nor will they ever be...I havent been able to bring myself to legally marry him, although we've beenliving together 3 1/2 years, and I'm a person who would much prefer to be legally "married" than a LT person...
...a few small "carry on" sized items of *baggage* have been dropped, ...but there are a few large trunks that I dont think we're ever going to lose...it was probably decent advice my friend gave me...hard to say.

Just thought I'd pass that on...for what its worth...?

[Violet]

My bf has completely fallen apart. Everything I suggest he and his lawyer try he shoots down. He sees no way to get the upper hand in court. She's convinced her lawyer that he's abusive and now she's saying that child is being negatively affected by this. She's about one move away from accusing him of child abuse. The big problem here is that it's not just her alone. She has a whole pack of people backing her up and willing to lie for her at the drop of a hat. I feel like telling him to sell everything he owns and leave the country.

[laurena82]

My bf has completely fallen apart. Everything I suggest he and his lawyer try he shoots down. He sees no way to get the upper hand in court. She's convinced her lawyer that he's abusive and now she's saying that child is being negatively affected by this. She's about one move away from accusing him of child abuse. The big problem here is that it's not just her alone. She has a whole pack of people backing her up and willing to lie for her at the drop of a hat. I feel like telling him to sell everything he owns and leave the country.

I'm not sure how she could get a "whole pack of people backing her up" that are reputable if it's all fiction, but that doesnt matter.  What's TRUE, is that this BS with her is going to go on ad infinitum, ad nauseum...

For my SO, it took a long time to get to the point of finally saying "forget it, I cant fight it, so its not worth fighting for".  It goes against everything I feel as a parent, but it seems it is a lesson that at least we are learning over here.

THis is a synopsis of my SO's story, and it looks like yours is on a short learning curve to the same thing...

ANYHOW...it happened...after her latest phone call bombshell last night re: all of this...and her lawyer's NASTY harrassing letters beginning again...he (my nonSO) had a heart attack...

He's OK as of now...the last phone call he made to me re: all of this (before the one telling me of this crushing chest pain and difficulty breathing...) he said, "I think I'm getting REAL close to just saying "f*ck it all"...if you want to keep me from seeing them, then that's how it will be...I cant go on like this...


Like I said, the next phone call was the one with the crushing chest pain...

The MD's in the hospital keep asking him, "so what were you doing when the chest pain started?"...duh..."nothing"...but being under stress of UBPDxW witch.

My gut feeling is that he will be OK...but that this is "the universe" telling us that its time to let go...

She can have her court orders and everything else...
Now I completely understand how a man can "just walk away" from his former family...

I hope mine has the strength to do that, so that he can live a healthy life...

best wishes...

[Violet]

Jesus Christ. This is exactly what he keeps saying to me: "Now I understand why men walk away". He's been having crushing chest pains regularly since I've known him. He tells me that he's afraid he's going to die of a heart attack.

We were on the phone pretty late discussing all of this last night and at the end all I could come up with is: "I can't figure out what the universe is trying to say with this situation". We are both Buddhists and usually when bad things happen we can deal and even find good in them. This is not happening now. The only way I can see him maintaining his Buddhist way of engaging the world is to just walk. This must have been what the Tibetan monks felt like when China invaded their country and they had to take up arms. It was all futile.

[happygirl]

One of the things that i noticed early on was that my non Walt was a very honest, extremely honest person.  To point that he was very literal, everything that he said was the truth and he believed everything that came of out other's mouths including his BPD ex.

Our relationship became a process of working through this stuff.  We were dealing with the same thing:  threats of abuse and rages about what she was going to do in court.  I don't think I have ever posted about this here, in the early stages of their seperation and divorce she brought a woman into the house to set him up to take pictures of him in a compromising position.

By the end of the marriage, walt and joho were heavy drinkers and she counted on him getting drunk.  She brought this woman in and then left her in the home over night.  The woman actually took off her clothes and propositioned Walt.  Walt, even in his drunken haze told her that he was married and would never cheat on his wife.  The woman was touche dby his sincerity and broke down and told her that this was a setup and his wife was out to get him.  Walt listened and went to bed alone and the woman feel asleep on the couch.

Joho later came and threw a huge scene, screaming about infidelity and so on.  It was a first class performance and then later claimed to have pictures and told everyone who would listen that she had caught Walt cheating on her and she had proof.  Walt knew that he had done nothing but she was so insistent and so adamant that she had "proof", he began to second guess everything.

He was so unnerved that he almost gave up any court action.  He was so sickened by the thought of what she might say in court and having to fight any lies.  It took every thing I had to be supportive and to get him to understand that she was lying, bluffing and bullying and he was buying into it.
 
Court came and went and of course not one peep about anything that had him concerned.  I learned then how they can mess with their heads and get them to believe anything. Of course, the promised "pictures' never have shown up because they do not exist.


What sorts of things and suggestions are they shooting down?

A couple of things from here that bf needs to consider.  Never, ever do a dropoff or transition alone.  If she is making these kinds of accusations, it is a hop, skip and a jump into a false rape charge.   We have seen it here many times.

Also, tell him not to get sucked into any kind of verbal disagreement with her on the phone and or anywhere that can be recorded.  It is hard but it can be done, he will have to practice staying calm if this has been an issue in the past.  A BPD can trigger them so quickly when they are feeling frightened for their child and their visitation.  It is just something to always practice so they don't get recorded for use in court.

HG

[Violet]

I've been suggesting all along that by bf bring in a third party besides him and his lawyer. He has a very doom and gloom attitude to all of this. He kept everything a secret for a very long time. He's now open with everyone about why he never has his son with him and he finally admitted this morning that he can't do this alone and is now bringing in an outside source to help protect himself. He won't take any advice from me. I just keep getting: "You don't know how I feel" thrown in my face. I know I don't know how he feels as a parent in this situation but I keep trying to remind him that as a child I was subjected to BPD from a family member (my mom's sister). Nothing I say is valid because it's not happening to me. I suggested he start logging everything again because he had stopped and he bit my head off about how he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life writing this stuff down, but then his lawyer told him he needed to pick that up again and now he's doing it.

I don't understand why he comes to me with his problems but won't take any suggestions from me. Is this a male thing or him as a person? Maybe I shouldn't even try to give him advice anymore?

[Mr. M]

Violet, ultimately it's "his battle" and if he doesn't want your advice, then don't give it.  Of course, how it impacts your relationship remains to be seen, but keep reading on... it may be something you don't want to continue long-term unless you feel you have a very thick skin and an almost unimaginable level of strength.

People here have stayed with their non and people here have walked from their non.  Know this, no matter which you choose, there will be some pain.

Best wishes...