Abusive Behavior

[Think About It...]

This is quite humilating and embarrassing for me to discuss but i could really use some support and sage advise.  My udBPD gf of 11yrs now is both verbally and physically abusive towards me.  Things have gotten worse and worse as time goes by (esp this past yrs - where she has become very physically abusive).  Anything that triggers her, results in hitting or slapping.  And what bothers me is that I just allow it to happen.  I know its wrong and under no other circumstances would i ever let this happen in any other situation.  I guess i fear that if i leave (as i have done in the past) she goes crazy and I fear she migh harm herself. Moreover, she is in a low point in her life and is trying to pick herself up (but thats another topic).  I am not in a position where i feel comfortable leaving at the moment, i guess because i fear what she might do. so in a nut shell i just take the abuse - why? i ask myself that constantly.  Sometimes, i really have the urge to just smack her back.  It takes a good amount of control to not do this.  Im definately going to leave but man, i would like to give that her one good one before it all ends...  Is that wrong of me?  Should i just bow out quietly? What would you do?

[aggie99]

This is quite humilating and embarrassing for me to discuss but i could really use some support and sage advise.  My udBPD gf of 11yrs now is both verbally and physically abusive towards me.  Things have gotten worse and worse as time goes by (esp this past yrs - where she has become very physically abusive).  Anything that triggers her, results in hitting or slapping.  And what bothers me is that I just allow it to happen.  I know its wrong and under no other circumstances would i ever let this happen in any other situation.  I guess i fear that if i leave (as i have done in the past) she goes crazy and I fear she migh harm herself. Moreover, she is in a low point in her life and is trying to pick herself up (but thats another topic).  I am not in a position where i feel comfortable leaving at the moment, i guess because i fear what she might do. so in a nut shell i just take the abuse - why? i ask myself that constantly.  Sometimes, i really have the urge to just smack her back.  It takes a good amount of control to not do this.  Im definately going to leave but man, i would like to give that her one good one before it all ends...  Is that wrong of me?  Should i just bow out quietly? What would you do?

[elphaba]

GET OUT.

There is no excuse for physical abuse, it should not be tolorated in any way/shape/form!  It will escalate if allowed to continue and then YOU will end up doing something you'll regret.  What she does is her own responsibiity, if you leave and she does something..that is on her.

Don't do anything that could get you in trouble, it isn't worth it.

Be careful these people have been known to do some pretty crazy things when backed into a corner or when their fears of abandonment are realized.  You deserve to be treated with respect...find someone who can do that.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Silas Pseudonym]

Hi Aggie,

People die in these situations everyday.  Most times I doubt the abuser intends to kill, things just get out of hand, a blunt object...& it all spins out of control.  You could be the one to grab for something to defend yourself & end up a killer.  She is one of a few types of females known for this...

Suicide threats must always be taken seriously.  It is up to a professional to decide if it is true or a manipulation.  Call 911 every time.  If it is a piece of extortion, it will stop.  If not she gets the help.  Not your problem & a good place to start with boundaries.

One place here you will always see me express a very strong opinion, DV.  I got to peel crime scene tape off my Mama's door.  You do not want to be in that position, or put your loved ones through it!

BTW WELCOME this is a good place to find insight into these behaviors & start YOURSELF on the path to healing.  I guarantee you will see it differently once out.  We all minimize & deny the depth & range of what we tolerate while in the midst.  It is simple self preservation.

We will also still be here if you vacillate a while before you go.  Many do.  Lots of people here, have seen the patterns...over, & over & over.

Silas

[JoannaK]

Hi aggie...

I'm going to move your post as it is more about your relationship with her than about her physical abuse of you..   which is very, very, very common, by the way.  I wish you strength and clarity as you figure out what to do about this destructive relationship. 

[ZenLady]

i'm concerned about what she might do, too, but not to herself. to YOU. if you wait for her to become "stable" to leave, you might just spend the rest of your life with her. not to mention that your leaving, whenever it happens, will be a trigger for her issues to intensify anyway. there is no "getting her in a good enough place" so you can leave without guilt. whenever you go, whenever you end the unhealthy connection you have, she WILL escalate. if she suspects you're leaving, she'll escalate. even if she doesn't, over time, it will most likely escalate.

there is no way to win here or having it come out pretty and nice. please get yourself some professional support so you can extract yourself from a dangerous and volitile situation. you're not "helping" her by tolerating the abuse, and you're certianly doing yourself no good in the process. if nothing else, the shock of having you leave might convince her to get the additional help she needs.

i repeat: you are doing her NO FAVORS by living this train wreck and pretending it's all going to be better in the morning. violence is NEVER ok, regardless of someone's issues. please read up on physical abuse and the cycle of domestic violence. it tends to escalate over time, with honeymoon periods in between. it seldom simply "gets better". you're in over your head, in my opinion. i hope you get out soon.

peace out.

[Peace4us]

The sage have spoken.

There is no excuse for physical abussive behaviour. She does because you stand for it. If you think she can't control it then ask how often does she get on a bus and wallop someone beside her?  How often does she lash out at the co worker and make threats there?


YOU can not save her. YOU can not protect her from herself, YOU owe it to yourself to protect yourself, There is nothing good in it for you to stay and what will it take for you to finally get it? When she has done severe damage to either you physically or emotionally?

Stap back, look at this clearly, get help if you need to.  This is not healthy or productive.

We are here for you.  Take a step in the right direction for you.

Peace4us

[Silas Pseudonym]

Hi Aggie,

I just want to say..."humiliating & embarrassing" may change very dramatically.  I have lived with my Mom's death a quarter of a century.  When it comes up, I am still surprised by the strong, brilliant women who happily pipe up with amazing comments about their own experience, the hell it was getting out...& how happy with their lives...they are.  Gorgeous, confident, POWERFUL women, I would never imagine allowing themselves to stay, did for a time...

Aggie, you may be male, that is not clear.  There are many men here who have been attacked & even a few stories of MURDER (see Gary & the Ax story, though he was a cop)!  Yes it is more difficult to speak out, but truly there are many MEN here who will.  Bpd women are found in prisons as a result of this behavior!  Women as part of the general part of the population are less violent & murderous, but NOT the Bpd population!

If you are a man, all the more reason to take control.  Many men here have been jailed with false accusations...that is a kettle I'll let them chime in on.  Believe me, you are not alone & it is nothing to be ashamed of!

Silas

PS  Who can mix the most metaphors?

[blamed4all]

Aggie,

I lived what you are going thru for 26+ years with my BPDxw and know the abuse that one who really loves another is willing to tolerate in order to continue the relationship, hoping it will get better.  Unfortunately, it only gets worse---sorry.

First, if I were you, I'd read more on this site.  Understand setting boundaries and the VERY NEXT TIME the gf committed any physical abuse I'd call 911, have her committed (jailed will also get her help)----this is for HER good as well as yours.  I know it may sound harsh, but it is for the best so that she will have to start taking responsibility for her raging violence against you (and possible others).

Do you have children in the home?

As a man, I felt that I had to take and bare the brunt of her raging, anger, and abuse.   She pulled knives (her weapon of choice) and guns on me, hit and threw things and I did nothing-----A BIG MISTAKE--cause eventually I was arrested after one of her violent rages for trying to defend myself, she called 911 and told cops lies when they arrived.  T and everyone else know now what  the real story is, but it caused me major problems at the time. I DID NOT TAKE CONTROL OF AN OUT OF CONTROL BPD WIFE--Don't make the same mistake, you'll hate it the rest of your life.

You deserve better and can get it if you take control of this situation to lessen the harm she will cause you.

Best of luck.

Blamed4all

[aggie99]

I just wanted to thank everyone on this board for their comments so far.  It is appreciated more than you know.  I think i just need some time to think clearly and figure out how to get out of this abyss that ive fallen into. 

[sundaynoise]

Hey There,

This is my first response, but I can tell you that everyone else who has responded thus far is right on.  Things are only going to get worse if you allow them to continue.  For the last 7 years of my life, I have seen my wife's - the supposed "love of my life" - outbursts go from verbal abuse to spitting on me, from spitting came slapping, from slapping came hitting (which, as humbling as it is to say, hurt dammnit), from punching me in my arms, face and chest came kneeing in the nuts (which after one episode left life-long damage)...then broken bones.  The sad thing is, I let this happen to me in the name of "love".  But, after her most violent outburst ever (which came because I wouldn't bring her a glass of wine in bed - she was "sick" and I was doing my best to take care of her) outburst, I snapped.  Grabbing her arms, I threw her on the couch, raised my fist...then stopped.  Trembling at the thought of what I was about do, I stood up and looked at the almost glee in her eyes that came from reducing me to what she did, then I wept.  That night I left and haven't been back.   You owe it to yourself to do the same...or else you will risk losing yourself along the way.

[Silas Pseudonym]

Hi Aggie,

Sorry I do see the gf in your post.  The literature still applies, one book very much geared at women, but still valid to identify behavior, verbal too, "Why Does He Do That?", by Lundy Bancroft.  It could help you see some of the more twisted & subtle behavior.

We have to own our own part too.  What do you fear?  Being alone?  Never finding another?  There are nice people out there..so I tell myself...

Anyway, don't sink too low without calling for help.  You do not have to be specific, face to face with a Doc (though therapy would be good) to get anti depressants.  It is ok to get help, through this.

Read more.  Feel free to post anywhere you think you can add or gain insight.  Vent, that's why were're here.

Silas

[Zihuatanejo]

Things have gotten worse and worse as time goes by...she has become very physically abusive. Anything that triggers her, results in hitting or slapping.  And what bothers me is that I just allow it to happen... so in a nut shell i just take the abuse - why?

Aggie, I'm going to keep it real here. Reading a post that describes physical abuse makes my temperature rise up a notch or two.

One reason you allow it to happen, well, it is called co-dependency, and the bottom line is- you cannot take responsibility for her problems.

I always hesitate to tell someone what to do, because I do feel people do need to make their own decisions, but I truly feel a good therapist would help you get to the core root of the fear that keeps you in this situation.

I'm here for you...

Z.

[NewLifeforHGG]

Get out of this now.
Physical abuse is wrong and dangerous. If she is capable of hitting she is capable of worse.

You deserve more out of life.

[macman]

You need to get out.  And you need to get out before you end up hurting her as well.  If she hits you, but does not leave a mark, and you hit her back and do, guess who is in trouble.  It is a big train wreck waiting to happen.  I am in a similar situation, although not quite as abusive, and am afraid that I will lash out at her.  I have seen the look of glee in her eyes as well when she thought I was about to finally snap. You not deserve what you are getting.

[TonyC]

one night my ex went on a rampage... and said some really horrible stuff...you know the drilll...

when i went across the room and grabbed and lifted her off the ground and popped every button on her jacked off... i realised what i was doing...i took her coat... sewed akk the buttons back on...

then i handed her her jacket back and said i lost control... im sorry...
but before i do something im gonna regret ... i think you should stay away from me...

she was pushing to the point...

it was time for me to get away from her...

[aggie99]

The thing that really hurts and bothers me about all the abuse is there is never an apology in sight.  I've even asked her on occassion how she can treat me so badly.. Her response: " I only react to how you treat me".. and the " Im not going to change unless you change."..  She even has the audacity to make remarks like "what do you like better.. me hitting you or blah blah blah" ...Such disrespect - is she proud of this? 

Whats crazy is that she blames me for her being embarrassed to go outside or having to hide from the neighbors.. Aparently, i make her act badly.  Ive told her she was abusive a few times.. Her response?  "I am not abusive.. Dont you ever call me that again."..some how she thinks her behavior is "justice" for me mistreating her.

 

[JoannaK]

Please understand, aggie, that in her problem mind, with her distorted memories and cognitive impairments, she actually does think you have mistreated her and she probably feels justified in hitting you and abusing you in other ways.

[ZenLady]

abusers don't take responsibility for their behaviors, no. met a lot of 'em, through the course of my work in various social services over the years. they pretty much without exception blame the person they are abusing for "pushing them" to it. you don't get an apology from her because she's not sorry.

[Pinnacle]

Aggie, There is not much more I can say that the others have not already said but I agree with them.

I used to get the same answer:  " I hit you because you made me"  or  " then don't get me mad"

Its abuse, clear and simple.  No one can protect you except you.

Puddin

[TonyC]

have you had occasion...where right after an all out rage , with some physical sht going on has she walked over to ou and said..
why dont we go to bed early?  and you just blankly stare?
WTH?

tony