The more you give...

[Think About It...]

Hi

Im a newbie. 
What i have found over time, is that the more understanding i am, the more forgiving, the more that is taken, if that makes any sense.

I have learned alot about how I need to get on with my own life.  I am a long way off from the pit i find that i have sunk into, (become somewhat lazy and resentful, why should i do everything) but am getting better, and am learning to be less resentful about things that you would normally expect, (i.e i am at work all the time, bf is not, yet nothing gets done).

However, i find that the more i detach from resentful behaviours, and just get on with things that need to be done, pretty much feeling like a singleton at times, the more the behaviours get worse.

I know that this is a necessary evil for me to ensure that my and my kids lives functions as normally as possible, but i do wonder when you draw the line?

It seems like a no win sitch.  You ask for something to be done, or helped with, and you know that generally, it just isnt going to happen.  You get over this by just getting things done yourself.

Where is the line between enabling and maintaining the relationship?

In my own personal view, i now feel that the support has for a long while turned to enabling, because any advice or discussion about balance is just not accepted, nor done.  I have found that if we discuss that nothing is getting done, an effort may be made for a few days, but then it returns to him being up all night, computer gaming, then sleeping all day whilst I work.  He may apologise for this, but what is an apology if the behaviour never changes?

I just feel that there is a no win for me in this.  To argue the toss just causes rages and resentment.  To decide to be independant, just eventually leaves me worn out being my partners mother!

Does anyone else feel this way - how do you cope?

[upisdown]

Hi

Im a newbie. 
What i have found over time, is that the more understanding i am, the more forgiving, the more that is taken, if that makes any sense.

I have learned alot about how I need to get on with my own life.  I am a long way off from the pit i find that i have sunk into, (become somewhat lazy and resentful, why should i do everything) but am getting better, and am learning to be less resentful about things that you would normally expect, (i.e i am at work all the time, bf is not, yet nothing gets done).

However, i find that the more i detach from resentful behaviours, and just get on with things that need to be done, pretty much feeling like a singleton at times, the more the behaviours get worse.

I know that this is a necessary evil for me to ensure that my and my kids lives functions as normally as possible, but i do wonder when you draw the line?

It seems like a no win sitch.  You ask for something to be done, or helped with, and you know that generally, it just isnt going to happen.  You get over this by just getting things done yourself.

Where is the line between enabling and maintaining the relationship?

In my own personal view, i now feel that the support has for a long while turned to enabling, because any advice or discussion about balance is just not accepted, nor done.  I have found that if we discuss that nothing is getting done, an effort may be made for a few days, but then it returns to him being up all night, computer gaming, then sleeping all day whilst I work.  He may apologise for this, but what is an apology if the behaviour never changes?

I just feel that there is a no win for me in this.  To argue the toss just causes rages and resentment.  To decide to be independant, just eventually leaves me worn out being my partners mother!

Does anyone else feel this way - how do you cope?

[Bdawn]

I just feel that there is a no win for me in this.  To argue the toss just causes rages and resentment.  To decide to be independant, just eventually leaves me worn out being my partners mother!

ahhhh...but there is another alternative that you failed to consider. That would be you deciding that you deserve better and then putting this relationship to bed.

Where is the line between enabling and maintaining the relationship?

Once again there is no good reason for you to enable or maintain this relationship. I mean your post really sums it up. There is no progress being made, if you ask him for help he makes a weak effort for a couple of days and then the situation returns. If you say nothing and do everything all on your own, then you feel tired and cheated out of having a loving helpful partner. This is not going to change with this person. You can accept it or not, the choice is yours.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Palooka]

I deal with the same thing with my Husband. I keep on trying day after day to get him to do things. Somedays he doesn't do nothing and I end up doing his share without a thank you and ever once in a while he helps out. I think I am finding the days he helps out is on one of his good days, which don't come to often anymore. So I am sorry to say that I can give no advice because I haven't found nothing that works yet either.