Am I over reacting

[Think About It....]

I brought our daughter to the Christmas party at her daycare the other day, I normaly dont send her to daycare on my days off, but we didnt have any other plans so I took her. I noticed that her teacher had put up a new board with all the pictures of the kids and there families. I noticed that my daughters picture was just of STBXW, her son(10)previous marrige, and our daughter. Our daughter was the only one who did not have a picture of her father up there. I was pissed to say the least. When I got home I sent STBXW a email reminding her that if asked for a family picture to please remember that our daughter has a father. I got a nasty response saying that we were asked for the picture at the start of the year in an open house flyer and that the picture she gave was of her family, the three of them. I sent back a response saying thats her family, our daughters family has a mother and a father. I checked the paperwork I recieved at the open house and it in fact did ask for a family picture somehow I over looked it. I can honestly say that if I would have caught it I would have made sure that I also brought in a picture of her mother. One of the excuses she used was that she did not have a current picture of me. We separated in March of 07 and had gone on several vacations in the months prior where many pictures were taken all of which she took when she moved out. Am I over reacting or does anybody else see what she did as wrong. I know it is my fault for over looking the requet for a family picture, but had I caught it i assure you our daughter would have had a picture of her mother hanging up. Thanks

[h2o50]

I brought our daughter to the Christmas party at her daycare the other day, I normaly dont send her to daycare on my days off, but we didnt have any other plans so I took her. I noticed that her teacher had put up a new board with all the pictures of the kids and there families. I noticed that my daughters picture was just of STBXW, her son(10)previous marrige, and our daughter. Our daughter was the only one who did not have a picture of her father up there. I was pissed to say the least. When I got home I sent STBXW a email reminding her that if asked for a family picture to please remember that our daughter has a father. I got a nasty response saying that we were asked for the picture at the start of the year in an open house flyer and that the picture she gave was of her family, the three of them. I sent back a response saying thats her family, our daughters family has a mother and a father. I checked the paperwork I recieved at the open house and it in fact did ask for a family picture somehow I over looked it. I can honestly say that if I would have caught it I would have made sure that I also brought in a picture of her mother. One of the excuses she used was that she did not have a current picture of me. We separated in March of 07 and had gone on several vacations in the months prior where many pictures were taken all of which she took when she moved out. Am I over reacting or does anybody else see what she did as wrong. I know it is my fault for over looking the requet for a family picture, but had I caught it i assure you our daughter would have had a picture of her mother hanging up. Thanks

[Rose]

I think that this is a form of PAS, but that it was your responsibility to bring the picture.

One year, my SS, then 8 years old, had a project where he had to bring in pictures of his "family tree."  He asked us for a picture, we gave it to him.  He went home to exBPD's, and we never heard about the project again.  We arrived at the school for open house night, and the picture hanging up was of exBPD and her boyfriend.  Those were his parents.  :  My DH was also upset, but did not call exBPD or bring it up with her -- instead, opted to talk with SS directly about it to see what had happened.  Turned out that exBPD had completely banned the idea of DH being in the picture, and it placed SS in a very precarious position.  My DH had to explain to SS that this was wrong, that he has a mother and a father -- that he understood the pressure he was under to put up that picture up -- but, nonetheness, it was erroneous.

I think the issue should be addressed with your daughter -- addressing it with the exBPD is like giving them an option to hurt you more.

[Mr. M]

Two things: 

1 - Addressing it with her was foolish, she doesn't care, you engaged, that's what she wants.  If you care about the school having a photo of D with you - make it happen.


2 - If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have sent a picture of me, mmm, and the boys.  At the very least it would have been me and the boys.  If they want a "family" photo - they would have gotten one from 4 years ago... a lot of good that would do.

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[happygirl]

I think the issue should be addressed with your daughter -- addressing it with the exBPD is like giving them an option to hurt you more.

I understand the sensitivity and the hurt but the fact of the matter is, that you will face many more of these as time goes on,  You will have BPD putting up pictures without you, falsifying school records to deny you access, having someone else called daddy,  not recording you as a parent on any other form, telling teachers, coaches and any other child related figure that you are a piece of crap, not worthy of being a dad.  These are all things perpetrated by other BPD's here and that Joho has done to Walt.

What is the first way to handle it? Not through the BPD.  As was noted, she now gets a charge out of knowing that you were hurt and chastising you for irresponsibility.  Expecting her to show remorse or learn from it is faulty thinking, aint going to happen.  So vent to the people who care about you in your life and then learn to predict these things.  Now you know that a picture is required, ask if there is anything else necessary for the rest of the year.  Be sure to volunteer for field trips and activitities so that you keep yourself as a parent figure to the people who matter to your daugther.

When your daughter is enrolled in places, check to see that you are listed as a parent on all forms.  We recently had a situation here where the father had not been listed at the school and then could not get access to the Special Education IEP that he had every right and obligation to be involved in.  I think that non custodial parents need to check the forms every year to ascertain that they are listed as parents, Walt was shocked to find that she had listed Hojo as the dad, indeed we had to jump through hoops to get the school to give him information because of her lies and deception.  Walt travelled five hours to go to the school, to introduce himself to them to help ease the transition, so damaging were her initial stories.  Leave your contact information and make a request to get a copy of all report cards and progress reports.  Definitely take time to meet the teacher early, put a name to a face.  Don't badmouth mom but let teacher know that you struggle in your communication with her and want to be apprised of any situations that would require a call to mom, that you would hope that she would take the time to brief you also. 

As a teacher, with a known custodial issue, I always offer to make the extra contact if the other parent wants it.  I want them both to be involved and informed and don't mind doing that if I think that they don't have the ability to communicate freely.  the child deserves mom and dad invested inthem and I htink it is our job to facilitate that.

I guess my point here is that you will need to work extra hard to make those contacts but they pay off when there are problems such as this.  Think ahead to what events might be coming up andhow the BPD mother might use this to cause hurt and pain.

So, no, you aren't too sensitive, just expecting her to care or to modify her future behavior is not a wise course and likely gave her a charge. 

Hope that helped.

HG

[sonnyboy]

I wanted to add that if the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn't be petty about it.  I would have a picture of the daughter and you (and new partner/spouse) and then would find a separate photo of the bio mom, or at least tell her to send one in.  It shows that you are above that kind of b.s.

Keep the boundaries, confront and prevent PAS, but never act like them.

SB