What age to inform son of ex's BPD?

[Think About It....]

Just curios,


  At what age do you suggest I inform my son of the wifes mental illness. I know it is in the future.
Eventually he will need to be told.

Thanks guys,

 Another_guyD

[another_guyD]

Just curios,


  At what age do you suggest I inform my son of the wifes mental illness. I know it is in the future.
Eventually he will need to be told.

Thanks guys,

 Another_guyD

[Mr. M]

When you think he is old enough to understand "the sickness" and how the sickness impacts his mother's behavior.

[sonnyboy]

From the home page of this site, there is a book called "Alex's Umbrella," a book intended for kids who have a borderline parent.  Check it out!

SB

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Rich]

Great question.  Unfortunately, I haven't a clue.  Anytime I say anything negative about the MOMSTER, my 13 year old daughter takes it back to her mother and I catch hell. My daughter is extrmely loyal and protective of her mother.  Yet, her mother trashes me all the time.

Rich

[JoannaK]

Unless the BPD parent is diagnosed with BPD, you simply cannot tell an underaged child that you think she has BPD.  It could result in serious custody problems.  If she is diagnosed, then tie in any discussions of her illness with bizarre behaviors.  The kid will start to realize at age 9 or so that Mommy is different.  Talk with the child about anything unusual in the way mom acts.  This is much more difficult if the mom is high-functioning and just does the digging/complaining/nasty comments stuff. 

If the parent isn't diagnosed, then, again, discuss weird behaviors, but don't use any term like "BPD" or "mentally ill".  Just mention that Mom sometimes overreacts, drinks too much, whatever, and discuss how to handle that, but don't label it.  The earlierst is probably 8 or 9 as the kids will start to see their parents more objectively at that time. 

[bewildered]

A most difficult question ... If the BPD behavior is not BPD all the time - or extremely normal and wonderful during the times the child is with the BPD (for e.g. visits etc) - then it will be confusing to the child for a long time as to why "mommy/daddy" are not there to see them more frequently ... My guess is that over time, the BPD will be unable to maintain the pretense of normalcy/normal behavior and slowly but steadily behavior patterns will emerge that will force the child to wonder - and hopefully ask questions - to which (as JoannaK said) answers can be given that may be age appropriate - Yes, the BPD may trash the non all the time, but the Non cannot do the same ... so the nons definitely have a much difficult time as the child grows .. Right now, my little one has a wonderful time visiting with her mom - and misses her when she is not there - but seems to transition back OK - with occassional pleadings/cries ... "When will I see mommy again?" ... (Oh, she filed an emergency petition to take the child out of state - many falsities in the motion - they had requested a hearing/ruling - none came (certainly not yet) - and apparently she is headed back to her cave in a few days ... apparently she did file using an attorney and my attorney had some choice words about him ... Interesting tidbit - when that attorney called my attorney's office - he apparently let it slip that he had difficulty getting hold of her - she had hired him apparently 3 months ago - and they filed on Dec 19 for an emergency hearing/motion ... Ah yes ... letters from the courts come back, she does not let the court know her whereabouts etc etc and then shows up with an emergency request to take the child for the holidays ... I guess seems reasonable to a BPD!)

[Rose]

I have two SS's, ages 15 and 18.  We still have not mentioned that their mom may be BPD.  However, we constantly are addressing the behaviors that exBPD has, and pointing out (point blank) when exBPD's behavior is wrong, and why.  In addition, we are using the terminology to deal with an exBPD in the house -- like, "re-engaging, setting boundaries, raging, splitting", etc., and that is also helping to guide the conversation.  It's not enough to simply say, "your mom has BPD."  That doesn't really matter, and they won't know how to digest that.  What matters is how to go about addressing the behaviors, the ones that they are specifically addressing at the moment -- like, the million phone calls they may receive in a given night. 

[bewildered]

However, we constantly are addressing the behaviors that exBPD has ...  What matters is how to go about addressing the behaviors, the ones that they are specifically addressing at the moment -- like, the million phone calls they may receive in a given night. 

Sounds like a way to do it ... I am sure the kids will see a contrast between what they see/hear and how other moms deal with issues ... the best lessons learned are those that the kids themselves learn, by internalizing the events into something they can make some sense of ... "Yea, that thing that mom does does not make sense" OR "What mom did was wrong.  Look at how Joey's mom dealt with it" or something like that ...

[JoannaK]

Hi Another guy...  I did read your intro.  You are in a custody situation; your child is 2; and your wife has some kind of diagnosis but she is claiming she doesn't have it, and the custody evaluator seems to side with her and wants you two to get along.

Again, deal with the behaviors, now and in the future, in an age-appropriate way.  Depending on what happens in the future, you can explain to your child when he (I think you have a boy) is at least 9, perhaps 10 or 11, that Mommy's brain sometimes doesn't work right and she needs medications to keep her brain working right.  I think you said she is also diagnosed bipolar.  Then find some books, the "Umbrella for Alex" is a good one, and read them with your child. 

Also read "Divorce Poison" and anything you can get your hands on about Parental Alienation.  The problem is that many of the difficult behaviors are subtle and kids don't pick up on them.  My exh just complained and complained and complained about me, he did it in front of our son, and my son has a view of me that isn't necessarily great...  and he's 20.  If I sat down with him now, over the Christmas break, and made it clear exactly why I divorced his dad, I still don't think he would be receptive.  So all I can do is to be the best Mom I can and address specific comments and behaviors that my son makes.