20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking:
1. I will always be alone
2. There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.
3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.
4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.
5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.
6. I have no control of myself.
7. I can't discipline myself.
8. I don't really know what I want.
9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.
10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.
11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.
12. I will never get what I want.
13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.
14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.
15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself.
16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.
17. Other people are evil and abuse you.
18. I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself.
19. If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable.
20. Other people are not willing or helpful.Source: Behaviour Research & Therapy article [only abstract available]
This has been a huge insight, my boyfriend has BPD and he exhibits and flats out say most of the things on the list himself. However, I spend a lot o my time trying to show him that he is not a monster, I (and others) love him for the person he is when he's having a 'good day' (will not go into his past, but I completely understand WHY he has BPD).
I feel that because he knows he has BPD, he tries by himself to moderate. But it doesn't work and he goes through the whole above process again. It is truly heartbreaking to have your love thrown back in your face and having to start all over again. But i know it's equally if not more, hard for him. Which sends me into a loop of anger against him, then guilt because it's not his fault, then more anger because if he tried as hard as you clearly have, Ocean, then we would be in a better place, then guilt again etc...
My point is, that there are BPDs who will try and explain their perspective through some means, and the problem is then what the nonBPD does with that information (I may be doing it wrong, or maybe there is no correct way to comfort them when they express their feelings)